– The scene –

Sean. Chilling. Bee Gees playing. Phone rings. Private number. I never answer these…curious. Let me take it.

“Hello Sean speaking”

Oh no. It’s Standard Bank. Offering me a Funeral Plan!

Sean on the phone to Standard Bank

You know why they’re doing this? Because they’re trying to kill me, I promise you. I have a cheque account and get charged around R100 per month, for doing nothing. Then I still get charged to deposit money and withdraw money. I have an ABSA account that I’m trying to run dry, because I’m actually too scared to know how much it will cost me to transfer my money from there into my Standard Bank account.

But I should actually be using Capitec bank for my day to day usage. Because they have no fees. You can buy a Coke, pay on your card and you won’t be charged a thing. I have fees on my statements such as R14…for whatever it was. A deposit, or a withdrawal or something. Absolute robbery.

Capitec look a little better with this:

• Zero transaction fees on debit card purchases – e.g. your shopping, retail accounts and petrol.

• Cash withdrawals R1 at Pick n Pay and Boxer tills.

• Cashback transactions at Shoprite, Checkers and PEP tills for R1 (cash withdrawal with your purchases).

In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the banks actually own a cemetary and a funeral home. Because at the rates they are charging, they are trying to kill us all. And they’ll still be making money from us when we’re dead. The sole reason I have a cheque account, is so that I can buy things online. Naturally I don’t quality for credit cards because I don’t have a PREVIOUS HISTORY OF ACCOUNTS I.E DEBT.

Well I’m sorry for that.

Just take me now, you clearly want to kill me, so just do it already.

And please stop stealing my money.

For your managers yacht parties.

CEO’s and other high profile banking people: Live like this, on your money

Thanks.