My English teacher in high school, Mr Wilson, would fall out the second floor window of RBHS if he saw the ILLITERATE FOOLS in the world today! No doubt inspired by all that is wrong with the world (Mxit), I saw this on the Ster Kinekor Facebook group right now:

For crying in a bucket of coke! How do you expect anyone to take you seriously in life if you write like that, Bapollo? If I were handling the Ster Kinekor Facebook page, I wouldn’t reply on principal.

Or maybe Beebop should read THIS (For the Mxit generation)

Or I’d tell Poppadom to Just Fucking Google It (HERE)

I’ll be honest, I love chilling with my mates! And I love music. But we seriously chill so hard, I wonder what it is that some fo my friends do. You know when you’re a little embarrassed to ask? Because you can call your mates up at any time of the day, and they’re never working, and you’re like “Maybe they’re hookers, or drug dealers?”

Well I never ask, because as long as they can chill at anytime of the day, then that’s cool with me.

The crew: Chilling, while my hand reaches for…

So the Captain Morgan Adventure allows you and three mates the chance to win three days of bliss, braais and adventure. And then you can choose your activities from the Captain Map. There are so many activities! Climbing, golfing, off roading, duning, fishing, scuba, surfing, bushwacking and something about watching the Bokke. It will be madness and at some stage, you will surely find yourself doing something like this:

Oh my God, it is a MANS weekend out! I probably wouldn’t be allowed to take the girls.

So if you, like me, like to just chill and leisure out, then the Captain Morgan Adventure is surely for you?

But don’t listen to me (Because then chicks will NEVER dig you!), rather listen to the Captain and get on over to the site, and get winning!

Click here to win the ultimate weekend away for you and three of your mates.

WTF?

So apparently this is the conference to attend, it’s not really in my league because I don’t deal in business. I deal in ‘chill’ but for those of you interested, here are the details:

WTF MEDIA CONFERENCE on social media, mobile media and cloud computing will take place from april 27 – 29, 2010 at CTICC (Cape Town International Convention Centre).  The conference will include a boot camp:  How to negotiate the social media landscape.  The WTF MEDIA CONF will be powered by Neotel.

WTF MEDIA CONF aims to talk to real people about its key social media themes, using common old garden words to provide relevant answers to real questions as to what works and what doesn’t..  It will strip down social media to its core so that we are able to understand what it is, how it works and what has worked well.  It will educate and inform, as well as provide access to the online/mobile environment, explore, explain, speculate, debate and to talk about things that matter to us.

Confirmed speakers include Andrew Cardoza – Mobilitrix.  Andrew Rens – Shuttleworth Foundation.  Arthur Goldstuck – World Wide Worx.  Christine Da Silva – Altersage.   Dave Duarte – Huddlemind.  Hannes Van Rensburg – Fundamo.  Hans Mol – Be-Mobile.  Heidi Schneigansz – Quirk E Marketing.  Ivor Price – Media 24.  Johannes Cronje – CPUT. Justin Hartman – Afrigator.  Justin Spratt – Internet Solutions.  Mandy De Waal – Journalist/ Blogger.  Mark Gray – Gray Link.  Marlon Parker – CPUT.  Matthew Buckland – Creative Spark.  Matthew Visser – Buynary Digital. Melissa Attree – Geton.  Nic Haralambous – Vodacom.  Paul Jacobson – Jacobson Attorneys.  Philipp Schmidt – Shuttleworth Foundation.  Sheena Gates – NerdMag.  Shel Israel – Twitterville.  Simon Leps – Fontera.  Steve Vosloo – Shuttleworth Foundation.  Vincent  Maher – Vodacom.  Yossi Hasson – Synaq and Zibusiso Mkhwananzi – Krazyboyz Digital. Alexia Beckerling & Lynann Bradbury – Digital story telling. Allan Kent – AtPlay. Andrew Brand – 99c. Andy Hadfield – FNB.  Paris Mashile – ICASA. Mark Gray – Graylink. Mark Horner – Shuttleworth Foundation. Gordin Parkin – Brandscape Marketing. Eran Eyal – Springleap. Daniel Neville – Idea Bounty. Paul Stafford – Mimecast. Neels van der Westhuizen – Open Innovation Studio.

This is the 12th annual media conference organisated by Cape Peninsula University of Technology (CPUT).  Since 1998 the media conference has covered topics like  2003:  CoNextion:  The Relationship between Branding, Public Relations and Advertising.    2004:  Upfront & Uncut – Can You Handle Free Speech?  2005:  Media on Trial.  2006:  Women In the Media.  2007:  Protect the Unprotected.   2008:  Social Technology:   2009  Online.
The cost of WTF MEDIA CONF is R4,500.00.  (Includes all tea/coffe; lunch, socials and parking).  The BootCamp is an optional extra, which delegates must book in advance.  Delegates are advised to bring their WiFi enabled laptop and your cellphone (topped-up) so they can fully embrace the new technology.  Laptop and cellphone essential for Boot Camp as it has a strong practical basis.

For more information, please contact the organising committe on either 021 460 4287 / 021 460 9077

Search “WTF Media” on Facebook and the event details will come up as well.

You’ll remember we had that video of that politician mumbling his way through a speech (HERE), awesome! Well here is the answer to what was going on:

What do you think of the ad? After the initial excitement, do you think it delivered?

I think it’s great that local agencies are trying the whole viral ad campaign angle, we’ve seen how phenomenally it can work (Ray Ban’s Never Hide campaign was stellar)

Hopefully this opens things up for a lot more viral campaigns on the local scene.

Director: Danny Boyle – Sweet Spot Content
Creative: Ross Nieuwenhuizen, Mike Pearson
Creative Directors: Ivan Johnson, Mike Schalit
Producer: Sarah Southey
Strategy: Matt Riley
Account Management: Vanessa Bowles, Abigail Louw

(Thanks Mike)

Gumtree is AWESOME and that is a scientific fact! You’ll remember we once had the student offering a room at his house for a female, basically in return for sex while his parents were away (HERE)

And now this:

Oh my gosh.

Click here for the ad on Gumtree.

(Thanks Marc)

To those not schooled in cool, Edie Sedgwick was one of Andy Warhol’s muses.

But I’ve found a better muse!

David Sessions now has a website and while some may want to admire the photography, angles, lighting and make-up, I’m a simpler person than that and just dig chicks.

God, it’s a pity chicks don’t dig me! I really wish I was a kid again, at that age where girls are gross and you don’t want anything to do with them. But now, as soon as I see the slight hint of a nip slip, I go mental and lose my mind. What is so great about boobs? I have no idea, but they’re GREAT.

But that’s not the point, David Sessions’s'zss’s'z muse happens to be Abi Parker. Nice choice! Let’s see:

GREAT!

GREAT! (People are asking how this photo happened, well I was actually placed in front of them, naturally the dude was a little put off but Abi was like “Is that Fabio? God? Leonidas? Achilles? Troy? Agamemnon? Brad?”

I had a muse once. Yeah…actually we were in love. I think I met her in Tin Roof. I’m not quite sure because I was quite drunk. Few fish bowls after school. I think I pulled her right after vomiting outside Blink. I can’t remember her name either. Jerry might remember. Oh no, he was passed out in the parking lot in the Beetle.

But I’m pretty sure that’s what love feels like, right?

Right?

Oh there is also this glorious angel, Sally Smith.

GREAT!

So yeah…Davids doing alright for himself!

GREAT!

Click here to check out more hotties on the David Sessions Photography website. There are quite a couple of Abi, I mean…that is if…you find her attractive.

Do you?

I might…a little.

I won’t lie, I do turn the voice off on my GPS because listening to that automated voice is like shagging a robot…it’s not so kiff.

So anyway, after hearing stories of Minki being at the finish of the Cape Epic this weekend, I all of a sudden remembered Minki! She’s been off the radar for a bit but now she can be on the radar on your GPS. Mad.

You see, they’ve put her in a tank and made her shout and talk and gaan aan (You like that? Because she’s Afrikaans. Yeah…nice!) and now you can put her inside your Garmin, which is quite a feat of human ingenuity!

Obviously I can’t remember what Minki looks like so here is a photo of her most important features:

Woopsie daisies! Nice tea cosy…

Oh and not to forget what her face looks like:

So click below to have the Minx direct you on your merry cruises! Oh and they also have Vanessa Haywood. SICK!

The only problem I have is, when you get out the car, what do you do with your boner?

Tuck it up into your waist band?

What if your shirt is tucked in?

My parents were right. Life is full of difficult decisions.

Let’s all turn off our lights tomorrow, it’s just for an hour and the awareness raised is phenomenal. Every bit helps.

Just click the banner on the right to find out everything you need to know.

Because the planet needs more love!

I sometimes worry about myself when I read past pieces of writing, especially pieces that you don’t see on SLXS. The pieces that are stored on my desktop because I’m too scared to unleash them on the world. But I thought this was quite funny, because I have absolutely no recollection of writing it. Check this out for scary, it was entitled ‘Random’:

I could have a head transplant with Leighton Meester, but then I’d be cracking one off every 5 minutes to my own face. And that would be strange. But I’d like it.

Ha ha and the next thing my shipment of illegal Playstations doesn’t arrive in town!

What? Nothing, subject change. Absolutely brutal in here.

Is anyone else sweating like me? Seriously pass my Evian.

*Spritz spritz*

Divine darling!

No I feel refreshed now. Powder my nose. Much better skat!

Look the day catches up to you at nearly 1 am when you’re writing and not really thinking while listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and trying to remember when school breaks up and if everyone still really likes Sparkles or should we buy sour worms or stretchy gummy snakes? But life is like that and there is pretty much no stopping a freight train full of crack cocaine. Andy Warhol said that, I’m sure of it.

Could have been Dom Nezbick, but at 1am I think Google is sleeping and you really should let the beasty lay low while in some sort of paranoid state like that. No point waking Google now, it’ll probably eat you.

WHAT…IS…GOING…ON?

Were you and me just typing together, with no clothes on? I don’t know if the 24 hour Woolworths is still open but driving there now is a bad idea, you never know what’s roaming the streets at these hours. Dogs out to kill, cats that want to slash your tyres while you drive and kill you, goats pissing in the road that cause your car to aqua plane. The thoughts of going out are enough to scare you into a life more ordinary instead of less ordinary.

Ha ha but that’s just me!

Should I be worried? Do we need a psychiatrist in here?

Is this real?

THE Don

If you’re ugly or poor or stupid then this is not a problem.

If you’re all three of these at the same time, well then you’re screwed.

You see I’ve been playing with some figures in my head, and feeling some figures in my hands. I can’t quite decide whether I’m a bum or boobs guy. Everyone has their choice, I think at the moment ass is winning though. Besides the point.

The point is, I’m useless as maths but I’ve paired life down to three critical points.

• Intelligence
• Looks
• Money

Intelligence doesn’t just mean being able to study and do well at college or recite a book. Intelligence goes beyond that. You might have got an A for psychology, but if you’re the boring person who NEVER gets the jokes at the party, you’re probably stupid. Boring people are generally stupid. Stupid people are boring. But you see, there are people who are academically stupid who are actually funny and have common sense and knowledge. These people we refer to as intelligent. It’s the rules and we’re sticking by them, because we made them.

Poor people in general need to be intelligent in all spheres of life i.e general knowledge and personality, as well as academic intelligence. Because when life is not handed to you by your parents credit card, you need to garner some intelligence to make a success of life. Poor people cannot rely on looks alone to get them through life and so they work hard. It’s no coincidence that some of the worlds wealthiest people (Through proper intelligence) are also not the easiest on the eye. Donald Trump. Bill Gates. The YouTube guys can’t be too good looking.

But it’s fine because they have made loads of money which has replaced their looks, conveniently.

Good looking people can generally get by on little, posing for the cameras from time to time for money. Or they’ll marry someone else who is wealthy and good looking (Probably trust fund kids) and live off their money.

If you look at most people, they’re 33.33% off of being the perfect people.

Donald Trump: Wealthy. Intelligent. Not good looking. 33.33% of the equation missing.
Paris Hilton: Wealthy. Not intelligent. Good looking. 33.33% of the equation missing.

If you look at your friends, you’ll see a similar trend.

If they are wealthy, and trust fund kids, they’ll probably be pretty stupid. But decent looking.
If they are from a poor family, they will be more intelligent, and will probably work hard and make good money. Now there is a chance they will be good looking. The equation is somewhat flawed here, but the odd thing is that all the best looking people are somehow wealthy. Wealth and looks must be inherited through good genes and a quality family line! I don’t know why it works this way, but from nearly everyone I know, 33.33% of the equation is missing. All the most beautiful people I know, don’t seem to struggle with money at all in their families.

Trust fund kids don’t need to think much and are generally spaced out and aloof, unaware of the worlds problems. Global warming doesn’t concern them, they won’t know what’s happening in the local news, the word ‘blog’ is foreign to them and their online activity is summed up through Facebook. They’re not online much because it takes up too much of their limited brains.

You might be born ugly, dumb and poor, but then you always work on the two areas you can — intelligence, which leads to money.

It’s just, when I look around, everyone seems to be 33.33% short of the most awesome life! Rad.

So I can’t say I have a good idea of the French because I haven’t had the energy to visit France lately. But from friends who have been there, I know they’re a miserable bunch when it comes to helping people who don’t speak French. They will not attempt to help you, even if they understand English.

But then they come here, and use their God forsaken French accents to get away with all sorts of things!

I was basically at that 24 hour Pick ‘n Pay in Hout Bay on Sunday, when some ABSOLUTE FRENCH BELTER happened to be out of money. Not only like a few rand, but she was R50 short of what she needed.

Standing right behind her, I had the greatest view of French ass that I’ve ever seen. I then moved to the till next to her and heard her speaking. She could have been saying that I have a tiny dick or that she wouldn’t sleep with me ever for a million French moneys, but all I was hearing was love and the sounds of laughter coming from the kids that we would no doubt have.

Her voice sounded like God had sent a choir of angels down to earth with instruments hand crafted by him, and the worlds most prestigious choir was now playing to me.

Trying to concentrate on dead animals and old naked people to control my little wood pecker in my jeans, I heard her speaking God knows what.

Next thing

“Excoozi excoozi!”

I didn’t know what was going on, until she opened her wallet to show me it was empty. I thought she was gesturing to me to say that she doesn’t have condoms for me to use, but I thought “No cool I’ll just buy some quick”

I was about to ask for super large when the teller told me she was R50 short to pay for her stuff.

Being a guy, at that moment I didn’t care about the money and only thought of her falling in love with me after we make sweet, sweet love. She would then introduce me to the family who own vast stretches of land in France, and we’d spend the rest of our days growing grapes and vegetables while living in our chateau with the three kids. And banging.

I was obviously getting a bit excited here, and handed over R50 to the teller with a smile. I was in that weird stage, where my little guy was worrying about food supplies if I handed over that R50, but it was also excited about the prospect of going French.

So the money was gone and I was throwing a fake smile, trying to be cool and nonchalant, letting her know that I wasn’t getting excited about possibly hooking up with her.

So she gave me a big hug AND a kiss on the cheek (ITHANKYOU) and walked out. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what she was saying so there was no chance of a conversation. So I cruised out, and she was still outside, and I gave a casual wave which might have come across a little weird, I’m not sure. I never hooked up with her because I couldn’t speak a word of French, but I somehow thought “Well it’s R50, I’m sure I’ll get something!”

Kind of like when you think if you buy drinks from the promo chicks at clubs, they’ll take you home. And they never do, bugger!

So that’s my French love story, and I’m beginning to think that maybe this chick just acts French to get discounts while out shopping.

I’m pretty sure she wanted me though, but I just didn’t pick up on the signs. I probably should have just pointed at my piece, then pointed at her, then pointed at my car.

But I didn’t.

And that’s why I spent Sunday night watching New Moon by myself.

Further proof that life is indeed a bitch.

Did you see what I did there with the brand FCUK, and using French etc etc? Yes, I am a prodigy.

In one of the most phenomenal videos posted to YouTube this year, we have a local politician showing us what it’s like when you fail an IQ test. Mike somehow found this, and posted it to YouTube where it’s quickly turning into a viral hit:

Hey? How about that?! Ayyyy….ummmmmm…JAY-ZUZ!

I, for one, am absolutely stunned! I mean, please, someone send him back to story sum school.

(Thanks Mikeeeee!)

So Uriah Heep and Deep Purple are touring South Africa in June 2010.

OH

MY

GOD

This is one for the oldies! Tell your folks about this. Jason let me know about this and it was weird that I didn’t know about this…to be honest the names Deep Purple and Uriah Heep didn’t mean too much to me until I realised what songs they sang. Then I realised that I had a Uriah Heep CD on my desk all along. Awesome!

Check this about Deep Purple:
“Deep Purple are an English rock band formed in Hertford  in 1968. Along with Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath, they are considered to be among the pioneers of heavy metal and modern hard rock, although some band members have tried not to categorise themselves as any one genre. The band also incorporated classical music, blues-rock, pop and progressive rock elements. They were once listed by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s loudest band, and have sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Deep Purple were ranked #22 on VH1′s Greatest Artists of Hard Rock programme.”

Yeah! That’s quite mad and to have them tour South Africa is mad. They’ll be doing shows in Johannesburg, Cape Town and Durban. It’s all a BIT much to be part of rock history like this, and we don’t even need to leave home. If you don’t recognize the names, you’ll recognize the song “Smoke On The Water” by Deep Purple

It’s been used like a million times in movies and other cool stuff like that. Wickie wow!

Tom Kenmuir would know these guys.

Deep Purple and Uriah Heep touring dates for South Africa:

Friday 28 May 2010 at 19:00 at the Coca-Cola Dome in Johannesburg

Sunday 30 May 2010 at 19:00 at the ICC Durban

Tuesday 1 June 2010 at 19:00 at the Grand Arena at GrandWest in Cape Town

Click here to buy your tickets.