Look, when it comes to Cape Town, it’s a cool place, sure. But when it comes to actually owning property here, it feels like someone has punched you in the stomach, then as you have dropped, they have kneed you in the head. And this is an ongoing cycle! You feel this pain every day. Apartments are going for a cool R1.4 million, and houses are a bit of a joke, unless a student digs is your style.

So my future plan is to just stay in Mozambique one day! Seriously, why would I want to bother working so hard to afford a R10 million house here, when I can just nick a house for R1.4 million in Mozambique? Then I’ll leave Cape Town and all the hipsters, and go chill out there.

And myself and the crew will just go chill there, we’ll ride bokes and walk around and take photos and braai and go mess around in the ocean and lie in the sun and brew beer and not worry about all the fake people telling us that we’re shit at life because we don’t have an iPad, and we don’t have an iPhone, and we haven’t eaten at this restaurant and we don’t know this guy who is so successful and owns this company.

We’ll have none of that, thanks!

Check this out, for R1.45 million in Mozambique you can get a 2 bedroom house in the Kabali Beach Lodge, and there are 41 two, three and four bedroom villas available, with this being what you have to deal with:

How awesome?! Obviously those are digital impressions of what it will look like, and that’s not quite the house you will get for R1.45 million, but that’s the feel. And I tell you what, it feels good!

Here are some further details:

Kubali Beach Lodge, situated near Chidenguele in Southern Mozambique, consists of a series of free standing buildings. It has 41 two-, three- and four-bedroom villas to choose from. The central building will contain a clubhouse, lounge, library, restaurant and bar. The architecture blends Balinese and contemporary designs giving you an ‘island style’ experience, while at the same providing the luxury of modern living. Disclaimer : (In accordance with Mozambique Law, transfer of ownership by way of a transferable 50-year renewable concession of use, can only occur once a residence has been completed)

Features

Reception Rooms: 1
Bedrooms: 2
Bathrooms: 2
Parking:
Garage(s): 1

Additional Details

Property Size: 2000 m2
Building Area Size: 170 m²

Click here if you’re interested in further details.

Then we cast our eyes back to Cape Town, and search for a home in Claremont between R800000 and R1.5 million, and we get…

*Drum roll*

An ‘Adorable cottage in Harfield Village’ I won’t even post a photo or a link. Just to let you know, that you go from beach villa, to a cottage. Rad.

What on earth are we actually doing in Cape Town?!

I love it here, but Mozambique…it’s cheaper and you have to spend less, because no one is trying to compete against you. No one is hosting a bigger party with more celebrities, no one is comparing houses, gadgets and cars.

Am I just crazy or does Mozambique look awesome?

No…WAYS!

I’m a massive fan of Entourage and the lifestyle in general, if you haven’t seen Entourage then don’t worry, you’re probably not reading this right now because you don’t have the internet. If you are a serious fan with some decent cash though, the house is now up for sale.

What this means is that you will be getting loads of action if you buy it! I’m talking so many chicks that you wont know whether to take care of them, or just go play more Playstation…because it’s not like they’re going to go anywhere. Even if there are better houses out there, the fact is, this was Vinny Chases in Entourage and that’s some serious street cred right there. The Entourage House is located in California and is going for $5.75 million.

Check out the rest of the info, as well as some more pictures, by clicking here (Luxist)

Those close to me know the exciting news…I’ve invested in a Cape Town villa! I mean, it’s about time.

Check the new pimp pad:

It’s also known as ‘Lady Slayer’ and we’ve kitted it out with Le Creuset and Philippe Starck because we’re loaded.

Picture taken by G-Rof in Cape Town, madness!

I thought you’d never ask!

Lance Armstrong stayed at Ellerman House in Cape Town while down here where he rode the Argus Cycle Tour and I’ve written about this place before, because it was used as the St Barts Hotel in Lord Of War.

So here it is, and it’s disgusting:

Oh look! I just got depression.

Ellerman House is located at 180 Kloof Road, Bantry Bay.

Click here for the website (Photos via there as well)

And if you want to see that on Google Maps, hey, no problem, I made one last time for the Lord Of War scene thing going on! (And yes, that is why I’m referred to as the Mother Theresa of my generation)
View Ellerman House Cape Town — St Barts Hotel in Lord Of War in a larger map

If you’ve got some spare cash lying around it’s always a good idea to buy a decent house from which to do nothing in! Playstation, X-Box, DVD’s, tanning, braaing…move to Clifton baby! Let’s have a look at this place I found for R55 million:

OUT OF AFRICA – NETTLETON ROAD

Sophisticated and finished to the highest specifications, this exquisite home offers a rare north facing aspect, overlooking the Nature Reserve. Generous accommodation and elevator access make this Peerutin designed home a must to view.

Features

Reception Rooms: 4
Bedrooms: 5
Bathrooms: 5
Parking:Garage(s): 3

General Features:
Balcony
Dining Room
Family/TV Room
Guest Cloakroom
Kitchen
Living Room
Patio
Study
Swimming Pool

Additional Building(s) & Living Areas:

Staff Accommodation:

Beds: 1, Baths: 1, Kitchens: 1

Look, not the worst place to live in and spend your time chilling. If you happen to have that sort of money lying around, then click here to buy it.

Oh you have to love estate agents and the way they mince words about! Instead of just telling it like it is, they like to play with words and paint pictures as it were, of dreamy houses that you’ll lovingly restore over the weekends, while the kids play in the garden, and the milkman and the newspaper boy deliver your weekend goodness. In all likelihood this picture is more one of your kids screaming at you because their room is falling apart, you not getting in any good action because the floors just creak all the time, and the pool being a breeding ground for new disease.

Some very common and popular estate agent terms are “Needs some TLC”, “Huge potential” and “Renovators dream”

If we quickly take the estate agents dictionary away and replace it with the SLXS dictionary, all these things mean the same thing. And that is “It’s kak!”

Look out for ads like these when buying a house:

THREE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!! Are you by any chance SHOUTING?!!!

It’s so awesome that every week they pump out ads like these, and every week, every person reading the ads goes “Cough…cough…bullshit!”

For me reading the estate agents pages is like my weekly dose of humour. I love spotting the broken houses, it’s a game that I just like to play.

Actually that reminds me, I was penning some words last night for a song that I think can be released. Let’s have a look:

Baby…Ooh…
Even in my heart, I see
You’re not being true to me
Deep within my soul, I feel
Nothing’s like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should’ve know from the start
You know you’ve gotta stop (from my heart)
You’re tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart

There was another one I wrote, also a goody:

I loved you so my doll

Until you hooked up with that damn ugly troll

I loved you so

But I never though you were a ho

I’m happy you’re now with John

Oh P.S I hooked up with your mom

I must go now to bang my new supermodel girlfriend

Oh baby baby it’s the weekend

We’re going to Knysna on the train

I’ll be sure to do a boat load of cocaine

And remember your friend Beth?

Well this has nothing to do with her but I love crystal meth!

That’s quite cool if you ask me! I do this stuff most evenings, chill and write love songs. Because I’m probably the deepest person you know.

Where exactly, may I ask, was I expecting to go with this post?

Absolutely no idea, so we’ll end it there.

I love it when Cape Town properties go on sale at such staggering amounts. Granted, R100 million is a small price to pay for living the dream! Check this out, from the Pam Golding website:

Imagine living on top of the ocean – in a 1000M2 of modern sculptural space with every conceivable luxury. High over the Atlantic Ocean and nestled at the foot of the majestic Twelve Apostles mountain range – in a private cul de sac in Cape Towns discreet Bantry Bay, this masterpiece of modern architecture boasts quintessential Atlantic Seaboard Vistas of mountain and sea. Two lounges, one sunken with amazing views over the infinity pool onto the ocean and the other, adjacent to the cocktail bar creates a sublime space for the entertainer. An ultra modern cigar lounge, a gym, steam room and a Zen garden Separate study. State of the art kitchen, generous dining areas, leading to an outside deck with a gas braai and a pizza oven Sun soaked outdoor patios with a Jacuzzi and a rim flow pool that seems to spill into the sea. 5 Bedroom suites – all ocean facing (ultra luxury main suite with spacious dressing room) State of the art heating and cooling – piped music and many luxury features for executive living. Multiple off street parking and garaging for 3 cars.

Um, ok, I can deal with that! Well, what does this beast look like?

I won’t lie, those couches look uncomfortable and awkward. As my folks said, money can’t buy you style.

Look, probably not quite how I’d do my house, I’m more into a little bit of a more lived in look and feel, some typewriters lying around, my old wooden desk, record players, naked models and all the rest that goes with being awesome. But given the house as a gift, I wouldn’t say no. My folks always said that money can buy you things, but it can’t necessarily buy style, nor class. Agreed!

As they say, a gift horse needs a toothbrush. Or something to that effect.

I wonder what sort of comm. the agents are taking from this bad boy? That’s going to be a cool bit of spare change!

Check out the full listing on Pam Golding over here.

If any of you had that sort of cash, would you really spend it on this particular house? Or simply buy an island? Considering that you can easily buy your own private island for R100 million…

My my my, I was reminded of the St Barts hotel they used in Lord Of War that Nicolas Cage rented out for himself (In the movie) yesterday when I decided to nip down to The Vineyard Hotel in Newlands. There was some sort of workshop vibe happening that I was invited to, and look at this…the very same St Barts Hotel used in Lord Of War was displaying their property. Let’s take a little look at a picture I took of my laptop screen, showing Nic Cage in “St Barts”:

When Lord Of War came out, I knew that Ellerman House was the place used for the St Barts setting because I know everything about Cape Town, I know who’s shagging who and what’s going on in parliament, but I never wrote on it because I forgot. But after seeing it again yesterday, I thought that it is important to mention one of the most awesome hotels in Cape Town. And when I recommend something, it’s nothing short of phenomenal and it will give you a warm tingling feeling deep within your loins.

For the St Barts scene in Lord Of War, Ellerman House in Bantry Bay was used because it is where the superstars go to stay! Sometimes I even battle to comprehend that this is in Cape Town and it’s awesome to be awestruck by something in the city that you live in, it never ceases to amaze me.

Now this is where another debate comes up, way too often.I speak to a lot of people who seem to have a thing against wealthy people who do nothing. These people say “Oh but if I were wealthy I would still work” Show me someone who says this, and I’ll show you a liar! Of course some people do make tons of money, and then still ‘work’ afterwards, but they work on things they are passionate about and they are not bound to a desk doing random stuff.

We could say Richard Branson works. We could say Simon Cowell works. We could say Ryan Seacrest works. Paris Hilton, Jay Leno…this is work ,but in the loosest sense of the word. These boys ‘work’, but they also chill to the maximum. But in all honesty, there is nothing wrong with doing absolutely nothing when you have the money to afford to stay at Ellerman House! I’d sit at the pool, go riding motorbikes, work on passion projects, run awesome websites (From my cabana hut at the pool), and I’d be an all round rad master if my wealth were so vast that I could live at Ellerman House.

I’m a person who has no problem with sitting on a couch all day watching DVD’s! Some people call this ambition-less, I call this the dream.

Ellerman house is well placed in Cape Town, in the exclusive retreat we all know as Bantry Bay. It consists of Ellerman House and Ellerman Villa, we’ll look at Ellerman House first. First, let’s look at some photos:

The view from this Cape Town spectacle is quite something, with the Atlantic Ocean in front of you and sunsets that will have you speechless through their beauty. This was once the residence of shipping magnate Sir John Ellerman and his wife Lady Esther, and it was definitely constructed to enjoy only the finest lifestyle that money could buy. It is clear form the views why a shipping magnate would make this his residence…ocean views for miles in one of the worlds favourite cities.

Today, as a luxury retreat for travelers and leisure seekers from all over the world, Ellerman house forms part of the ultra exclusive Relais  & Chateaux 5 star portfolio which is nothing short of spectacular. I have the 2009 Relais  & Chateaux portfolio in front of me and it is stellar. The residence contains over 250 original works of fine art and sculpture, drawing from the cream of South African classic and contemporary artistic talent.

For those interested in staying at this exclusive 5 star residence in Cape Town, there are two superior suites plus nine individually appointed luxury double bedrooms. So that’s a pretty boutique stay you’re going to have, in the utmost privacy. And who cares if you see other guests, it’s hardly likely that they will be plebbs ha ha ha! They’ll probably be so ridiculously wealthy that they’ll be eating cornflakes for breakfast…golden cornflakes. No not roasted ones, real gold. Apparently that’s how high rollers do it.

They’ll also be Greek, and after each meal they will attempt to long shot their plates into the ocean. Hey, you never know.

Then onto Ellerman Villa which happens to be located in the gardens of Ellerman House. Ellerman Villa is virtual insanity as you are treated to your own butler and private chef!

“Garcon! Garcon! Deux mineral waters and a banana leaf for my filthy cabana boy to fan me with. And garcon…bring daddy the nose powder that gives him a rosy outlook on life.”

Ja, that’s how I’d do it! Ellerman Villa has three master bedrooms and two spa rooms.

TWO SPA ROOMS! Are your nerves as shattered as mine? Mine are buggered! This is all besides the fully equipped gym secluded in the gardens near the swimming pool.

Now you’re probably having the same problem as me? Do you take the wife on a trip like this…or do you rent out the entire Ellerman Villa and make a boys weekend of it? I tell you what, if I were dating Gisele I’d tell her to stay home, because this is one weekend where action can take a backseat!

Honestly, I’m spent.

Ellerman House is located at 180 Kloof Road, Bantry Bay.

Click here for the website (Photos via there as well)

And if you want to see that on Google Maps, hey, no problem, I made one! (And yes, that is why I’m referred to as the Mother Theresa of my generation)
View Ellerman House Cape Town — St Barts Hotel in Lord Of War in a larger map

For those of you following the comment on my ultra short Patrick O’Shea piece (Do have a look, HERE, it’s getting quite spicy)  then you will also be interested on the piece that the Sunday Times ran.

Luckily for you, I am awesome and I will give you a link to it!

Simply click HERE to see it.

Wicked styles wild!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

For those of you who missed the fact that O’Shea properties closed down…I made a very brief mention of it and it seems there is more to the story than jsut talks of a recession.

Click HERE for the comments going down there, brings a touch more insight into how O’Shea properties were really operating.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was reading quite an amusing article in the You magazine (Don’t ask)  this afternoon concerning George Michael and his little four week trip to Cape Town. Apparently George Michael arrived in South Africa about five weeks ago, and no one even really noticed. He took a weeks break in a lodge near The Kruger National Park, and then shimmied his way to Cape Town to stay in a R75 million mansion in Clifton.

It’s one of the reason celebrities love Cape Town so much, because we don’t really care how much money or how famous these celebrities really are. We’ve got Cape Town and that’s more than enough for us! But it’s cool to have all the celebs cruising in to come check out what we’re up to (Nothing really…chilling)

So this Nettleton Road villa in Cape Town is fairly phenomenal, and comes in at a phenomenal price. I’m basing this on the photo provided in You magazine, and because I know Cape Town SO well, I immediately knew which villa it was. This villa in Clifton is currently going for around R40000 per night. In summer you’re looking at rates ranging from around R60000 to around R105000 per night.

And for the 2010 World Cup? They’re asking nearly R400000 per night.

Yeah, that’s the type of cash that Cape Town merely plays with! Come on, it’s a small price to pay for this lifestyle.

But you want to live the dream don’t you? You want to hang out with us, don’t you? Well it’s going to cost something. Looking is for free, but touching…that’ll cost you something!

Imagine living there? Rain soaked winter nights filled with HOUSE PARTIES! Sun drenched summer days filled with HOUSE PARTIES! You’d never even need to try and come right, coming right actually jsut comes standard with that place. It’s why people become rich, for easy hook ups.

“Hi” You say to a lady.

“Hi there” She says.

“I…live…in a R75 million villa in Nettleton Road and…”

“How many kids do you want?” She’ll interrupt.

“None” You’ll say.

“No strings attached raucous nights?” She’ll purr.

“Of course”

You’ll hop into your Pagani Zonda and completely OWN the night. I like the sound of that.

Some people dream of coming to this city their whole lives, and we’re already here!

You do know how lucky you are, don’t you? I think you do! You should be seducing yourself right now.

I’m seducing myself. Barry White. Lionel Richie.

Do it to me one more time…

I love you. xxx

Click Afford This Villa for the sorts of money that will afford you this lifestyle.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’ve been scouting for houses that I know you’ll buy in Cape Town, and I really can’t get Villa Lara out of my head. Villa Lara isn’t actually for sale, but once you have…oh…say 27 million pounds in your bank account, I’ll personally give Chris a call and get the bidding started. Villa Lara has, and always will be, my soft spot. Everytime I’m there, or even near there, I get this warm feeling inside and just want to drink Villa Lara, or roll it up and eat it. So right now you’re either living in Cape Town or you’re not. If you are, you’re in the centre of the dream, and you need that special something to top it off.

If you’re not in Cape Town, then there is clearly something wrong with you, and you need a lot of money to get here, and live thed dream. I’m going to show you a quick couple of pics of my one true love:

Ah yeah…that’s Cape Town by the way. That’s what we do for a living. Rock ‘n roll excess! Where are you? Oh…England? Oh that’s cool. Perth? Ok, nice one, DUDE.  While today’s pound exchange rate is about R12 to a pound, at 27 million pounds you’re looking at a cool R324 million, give or take a few bucks. I think it’s fairly safe to say that WE will be able to buy Villa Lara once tonight’s draw is over.

We’ll bask in the sunlight, we’ll write books, seduce ourselves and live the Entourage dream. We’ll be one step closer to having full control of the city!

Keen? Play below, let’s win Villa Lara. I’ll tell you now that I’m in it to win it. I’ve watched The Secret, and only good vibes.

See you at the villa. The first party? Everyone’s invited.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

In another sign that we might in fact be in a recession, O’Shea properties have shut their doors. That’s right, O’Shea properties have closed down. Closed down have O’Shea properties.

It’s a pity O’Shea have closed down, really. I met Patrick O’Shea, the CEO, a couple of months ago whilst I was mincing my way through Greenways Hotel in Cape Town. I remember drinking about a bottle or three of wine that night, wow, pretty hammered. He was quite a cool cat though, drove THE SICKEST Aston!

O’Shea properties had a shop just outside of Cavendish, adjacent from Boardmans. So if you’re starting a business now, don’t go into property or cars, that would be a blunder!

Get into sex, drugs and alcohol.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Mmmmm…so it seems our one bedroom apartment in Sea Point is up for rent, and you can live here, rent your own piece of the dream, live where the legends have roamed!

Here are the details:

Spacious one bedroom apartment for rent in Sea Point off of Beach Road, close to the shops and within walking distance of the Sea Point Promenade. A large open plan living area leads onto a wrap around balcony.

Small kitchen, bathroom with shower and bath, clean and well looked after with new wooden flooring.

Secure complex with electric fencing.

DSTV dish installed

One secure under cover off street parking bay.

Top floor — Views of Table Mountain.

Quiet secure block, very friendly and chilled neighbours.

Price: R5500 per month

Available from 1 June 2009.

If you’re interested in viewing this one bedroom Sea Point apartment drop me an e-mail at: seanl (at) slxs (dot) co (dot) za

Alternatively click HERE for the Gumtree listing and follow the details there, as well as view more photos.

Sean Lloyd

Editor