I’ve been waiting a long time for the days of cars like this Mercedes, offering you looks that will get you boy band amounts of ass, while at the same time using a fraction of the fuel that today’s cars use. I’m just putting this out there (Thanks to The Secret), that I want to be one of the first people to drive this car when it comes out. It’s very space age and slick, and I can definitely see myself cruising past cyclists on this bad boy, without even a worry about the planet! Check this BEAST out:

You know how cyclists go on about how ‘green’ they are? Have you ever seen how much those okes eat? They eat at least two to three times the amount I do, every day. All that food needs to me grown and delivered to them, so when you look at an overall carbon footprint of theirs vs a car that uses 2.9l per 100km’s, you will see that cyclists lose. I mean, how many flippen GU sachets and protein shakes and electrolyte drinks did they use on the Argus on Sunday? Now think about it, you could use all of that, or just use 2.9l of petrol to complete the entire Argus (In your car that looks like SEX), and you wouldn’t need to eat half a wheat field and the ass end of a cow afterwards, because you don’t get that hungry from driving, why? Because you’re doing nothing, it’s marvelous!

And yes, I did just use the world marvelous.

Look, its not news, but in the universe, they have made a car called the BMW X1.

While I think it’s the most useless car on the planet, people who buy the car feel reassured by the fact that they actually make this vehicle. This makes them feel comfortable, because they know there are other idiots like them.

It’s like wearing Crocs, you feel like a cock wearing them, but the reassuring thing is that they make them, and other people wear them. But it doesn’t make it right.

You can compare loads of things to other people to reassure yourself. If you’re a ginger, it’s reassuring to know there are others like you.

If you’re a Jewish drug dealing hooker…there is Sea Point. Not that I have anything against Jewish people, I hang out with Jewish friends all the time. I just don’t run tabs with them.

The point is, the BMW X1 is a car made for idiots. The ones that reassure themselves that it is a good choice in car by saying ‘Well it’s bigger so it’s safer’ and ‘It has more space’ and ‘It’s higher off the ground’

Now the general type of person driving this car is the Constantia mom. Most of her day is spent driving to the shops, so it is reassuring knowing that the shopping bags can fit into the car. Because Constantia moms have established that there is no way in hell that the shopping can fit in a sedan. In fact, if you’re a mom who shops at Constantia Village, your shopping exclusively fits into SUV’s such as the BMW X5. And that’s for the plebbs. Real moms use V8 super charged Range Rovers, because nothing smells better than fresh bread delivered in a Range Rover…I also particularly love the smell of global warming in the morning.

The X5 is definitely not the thinking persons car…it’s the oblivious persons car.

You are no safer in an X1 than you are in any other car while driving ALL THE WAY to Woolworths. High speed accidents happen on highways, not in the four roads it takes you to get to  get to Woolies.

If you want to look down on people from your car, I think you have other issues.

If you feel comforted by the fact that your car could carry 4 other people (Which it never does) then you also have deeper issues.

In fact, it’s a small wonder that any of us were actually born? Because if you were to believe the people who drive SUV’s, we’d all be dead.

‘They are just so much safer’

I quite clearly remember being driven around in my wasted youth in a Beetle,BMW and  then an  Opel Kadett, and then I drove a Citi Golf. None of these cars had any safety measures by any measure. And my parents got me around safely in them, by? Concentrating.

The modern mom is so concerned with her plastic face, tits and the young guy she is banging on the side, that it’s no bloody wonder she needs all the help they can get from ABS, ASC and all those things, because her mind is all over the place! Trying to drop the kids off, sleep with the poolboy, keep hubbie happy, tan, gossip at Vida and all the rest that goes with the hardest lifestyle on planet earth.

Onto BMW though…

The Germans are an interesting bunch! They keep telling us that they are using ‘Efficient Dynamics’ so their cars use less fuel, but they are also quite good at making people want cars that are huge. Sure, their 5l engine may use less petrol than the competitors, but it’s still a 5l engine. It’s like saying ‘Well I’m less paedophine than you…I’ve only had sex with 5 kids this year’

It’s just bizarre.

Having an X1 is kind of like dating Oprah instead of Candice Swanepoel.

It’s bigger, consumes more resources, and you’re NEVER going to need to use it.

You will obviously use it…but those okes in prison use the nearest hole too…why? Because it’s there. If the cars in the driveway, you’ll use it. But you could do with a different car.

But none of this really matters, I can’t afford one.

But I can be your poolboy

But I’m stoked a lot of you have gone home! We had some good times with a few of the GP people, but some of them…were just going full retard! I snapped a few photos around Cape Town of GP people parking like absolute fools. My favourite was this first photo, I saw a note on the car and was interested to see what someone had written on it. Classic.

Two parking bays…kiff

And then these winners parking at the V&A Waterfront, in what were not parking bays, making the whole place a mess as cars could not reverse out properly and traffic in and out was delayed.

If you are one of these cars, you are NOT invited back next holiday season. Please stay at home and play with your iPad/yourself/your protein shakes and your other charnas. Thanks.

*Do you think the ‘G’ stands for ‘groot’? So then I wonder what the ‘P’ stands for?

Hair we go again!

Not Jacques car…but a pretty trashed Audi R8 nonetheless

Crisis I apologize for that, that was the lamest opening line EVER!

I think those hair transplants have done no good, but anyways, accidents happen. He’s alright which is good and no one else was hurt which is good. But crashing an Audi R8? ROCKSTAR!! Many boys dream of doing that, and this man did it. We salute you!

This is what News24 said:

Cape Town – Proteas star batsman Jacques Kallis was apparently involved in a car crash in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

An eyewitness told Sport24 that Kallis had crashed a white Audi R8 through the gate of a neighbour’s house off Herschel Walk in Wynberg, Cape Town around 02:30.

The witness said he awoke to an “almighty bang” and noticed a car inside his neighbour’s property.

His wife, fearing a burglary was in progress, immediately called the police.

“Soon thereafter three cop cars arrived at the scene. I clearly saw it was Jacques Kallis behind the wheel. Kallis at no stage left the car,” the witness told Sport 24.

“Kallis must’ve called his girlfriend as she arrived shortly thereafter and took him away once everyone had left.

“The car, which was severely damaged, was removed from the driveway by a tow truck,” the witness added.

Via News24.

When you’re filthy rich and your car needs an oil well pumping for it, there is only one thing you can do to its name…take out the ‘N’

This is pure class, I saw this about a week ago at that beach…that little one. By the Twelve Apostles. I forget what its called now!

Awesome stuff.

I’m not often impressed with personalised number plates, but this one outside Brad’s Grill this evening is just too awesome:

I like that! Broke with a Mercedes SLK, absolutely phenomenal.

(Spotted in Cape Town today)

You have to wonder where our police budgets come from, because the boys waste no money on the big toys! Huge petrol prices aren’t an issue:

Why? Because they’re the SAPS and they can!

So I do hope you’ve been reading OverDriveTV. Gavin Williams is part of it. You’ll probably remember a couple years back Gavin had the honour of his life when he met me (Even more honorable than being on MTV for Crazy Monkey). You don’t remember that post? (HERE) Strange.

You’ll remember we spoke about the Pagani Zonda before at SLXS when we were in Joburg at the Michelangelo and got photos of the Pagani Zonda outside the Michelangelo Hotel. Is that a good hotel? Check that article HERE.

Anyway, check this little bit of information, straight from OverDriveTV:

“Coming across a Pagani Zonda F Roadster in the metal, in South Africa, is a bit like finding a Panda in Uganda. Let’s just quickly get to grips with this thing: it’s on sale at Future Exotics, in the V&A Waterfront, for a cool R20 million. Depending on the exchange rate, obviously. This particular Zonda F is actually the ‘Cinque’ model, simply meaning ‘five’ in Italian; only five will ever be produced. Ever. The body is made of carbon-titanium fibre, well, because carbon fibre is just so last millennium. The engine is sourced from AMG, and ensures the car reaches 100km/h in 3.4 seconds and doesn’t stop before it hits 350. Small wonder then that it’s fitted with a rosary. The owner’s manual recommends giving it a rub before you switch the traction control off. Just between your thumb and index finger, apparently.”

And photos from OverDriveTV:

I enjoy the fact that it’s R20 million!

“Can I come back tomorrow, I just need to up the limit on my Student Achiever account, we can use a debit card can’t we?”

The guys are doing some cool work on that site, check out their exclusive interview with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond over HERE, from when the Top Gear crew were in SA recently for the Top Gear Live Show.

POW!

Are you saying pow?

POW POW!

The Ferrari 458 Italia is one of the most visually appealing cars on planet earth at this moment, with the performance to match. It’s every mans dream to drive one of these, but at some R1766926 million (ZAR), it can be a little out of touch of the everyday person. Not anymore! Let’s first look at what we’re dealing with:

Engine: 4.5 litre V8
Power: 425kW/540Nm
0-100km/hr: 3.4 seconds
Top Speed: 325km/hr

There really isn’t anything to say about the car, other than the fact that it is car porn. This is the stuff dreams are made of! Imagine burning down the Camps Bay strip in this beast? While I wouldn’t want to be a home wrecker, I’m afraid if I was driving this car, I would simply have to wreck homes! Guys wives would be throwing themselves at me, and while wrong on a moral basis, I would have to sleep with all of them. Only because I’m a giver!

Look, the fact that I only have three minutes in me is besides the point. Three minutes is a round in a heavyweight title match! Yeah…you wouldn’t trash talk Ali would you? So don’t trash talk me! Now that the car porn images are out the way, let’s look at the Ferrari 458 Italia burning around the track like it just doesn’t care:

Not too bad? Want one?

Alright!

Seriously, that’s your only chance of ever owning one. I’m not forcing you to buy tickets, but you’ll look like a bit of a tit if I win, and drive past you on the Camps Bay strip, and throw my slush puppie all over your Yaris. Then bang your girlfriend. And take your mom out for a nice seafood dinner…

And never call her again.