You know what my favourite thing in the world is?

I’m not even going to give you a chance to answer because you probably don’t know what my favourite thing in the world really is.

Well I’m going to tell you whether you care or not!

The absolute highlight of my life is when I’m waiting in my car (Well, when I get one again), waiting to turn into a road, but stuck because of the traffic. So I’m waiting like 10 minutes, and eventually God tells Moses that that Sean oke is a bit of a prick, but really deep down he’s not so bad and superficial, so he goes like this:

God whips out his Crackberry and sends Moses a message through BBM. It reads LIKE SO (For our Kenilworth readers, KC ma bru!):

“Yo Mo. Listen fool…that Mo, that’s not Movember. That’s me abbreviating your name. Hope you don’t mind M-Dawg? Anyways, I’m not near Sean’s hizzle, but I know you’re nearby. And don’t go lying to me saying you in Uzbekistan, because I’m watching you. You know The Truman Show? Of course you do. Well I’m the dude up above, playing the game. So listen this fool been stuck waiting for 10 minutes and he’s threatening to hit an old man in public if the traffic doesn’t disappear. So I’m gonna need you to part the traffic. Ok? Cool. I’m buying beers later, owe you cuzzie”

So Moses is like “Kiff jol, part the traffic, score beers, nice work”

Meanwhile Sean is chilling in the kakkest car in Cape Town (Purple Fiat Palio — getting hit on by okes left, right and centre) and suddenly…lookie woo, the traffic has ceased!

So I’m about to unleash the 1200 beast when suddenly…pow!

There is a civilian walking in front of my car. Not there is rarely a situation in life where I’d want you to take me from behind, but this is an exception. If you are a pedestrian, and I have been waiting feverishly to pull into the road, and you walk in front of my car as Moses does his job…I will kill you. Well actually I won’t, but the energy transferred from my engine, into my car, into you, will knock you into the road where you will be swiftly hit by a bus. Whenever walking near my car, always take it from behind.

I’m just saying, my brain is near capacity with irritating people at the moment. People in the streets rarely illicit excitement from me. At the current census (Official numbers here from the Department Of People Numbers) we have 2 trillion Funny Money vendors, 1,7 kabillion Big Issue vendors, 2,35 kazillion beggars,  50 kanillion okes pissing their pants while asking you for money to “Look after your car nice boss”, 51 billion people selling SA flags that they keep stealing from my car (Pricks), 21 billion people selling illegally picked flowers, 2 million people walking around with blind people, 7,5 million people walking around with rented babies and another 4,5 billion people lying pissed drunk in the road.  Like literally in the road. And then are are still 7,2 shmilliom people saying “Give a 5 cent”.

No wonder people turn to drink and drugs in this country.