If I catch you using these words or saying in the vicinity of my actual self, there is a damn good chance that I’ll make you eat a bag of coal and then punch you in the face with a brick that I happen to carry at all times. Do not ever try using any of the following around me:

“They keep moving the goal posts”

“Yeah these guys need to come to the party”

“Raise their game”

“Web junkie” ( If you’re going to use the word ‘junkie’, at least have some sort of cool heroine addiction. If you’re going to be a strategist, at least strategise something awesome and manly like how many litres of beer the next frat party needs, or something else cool like a World War.)

“Tech guru”

“Social media expert”

“Web 2.0 strategist” (Oh so you’re strategising the web are you? Half of what happens online happens for no reason at all. Could anyone have ’strategised’ websites like College Humour, The Onion or The Superficial? At best you’re a Web 2.0 guesser. It’s the same as entrepeneur being the word for ‘unemployed’)

Your average Web 2.0 Strategist

“It’s a win-win situation” (It’s probably not really)

“Step up to the plate” (Oh sorry are we playing baseball here? Are we going to eat something? You’re losing me!)

“Our company always gives 110%” (Oh really? That’s funny, because that’s like stuffing 110 ml’s of juice into a 100ml glass. Or like climbing 1.1 metres up a 1 metre tree. You’re an idiot)

So unless you have a penchant for eating coal and being force fed a brick, you should avoid saying any of the above.