I don’t know what is wrong with you lot! I merely mention touching, licking, fingering, dildos and crabs and you’re mind is all in the gutter…vomiting on itself!

I really had no other motive for that headline other than to tell you that I was at the Two Oceans Aquarium in Cape Town last night.

You see I’ve been quite busy and naughty this week. Some Rolls Royce engineers have been down and we went to Moyo at Spier on Tuesday night and then to the Two Oceans Aquarium last night. Oh we also took a cruise on the Tigger 2 last night, gorgeous! More on all that later…

Now to the aquarium. It obviously started off with me arriving, and feeling the need to lick something. Obviously with all the school girls being in Plett it’s been a while since I perved a girl. Girls my age are too wise, I could NEVER go for them! And they think they know everything, and are just all over the place, so confused about life.

That’s what I love about these high school girls man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

So I went clowning around and I believe these are clown fish. Don’t quote me on that, I was high as shit! No really, they are clown fish. I licked the tank. I got a bit of the tank inside me.

It was late last night and the aquarium was closed to the public (Read: Plebbs) but it was open to this young sir. I decided to be naughty, and while no one was looking, I would finger something. At the touch pool.

Sea anemones, here I come! I’ve always had this fascination with how many fingers I can get into something. Nothing sexual, purely curious.

I tried one.

Good Lord, so loose!

I tried two.

Still so loose!

I went for the triple.

BOOM! Inside!

On four I knew this was something I had NEVER tried before. Bang! Four all inside.

Jeez Louise, what in the hell is going on here? They say you should try everything at least once, and I can confidently claim this is the first time I have tried to put my whole fist in.

It didn’t fit. If it did, that sea anemone would have been a right slapper!

I minced my way back and as I was passing the end of the touch tank, I saw something very naughty. I always like to be the first to finger and touch these things, but it seems someone else had come before me. It felt like that time I pulled that chick in like standard 9 and I was so happy that none of my other mates had pulled in (Cape Town is so small, you are bound to hook up with someone your buddy has), until later I heard they had all done that, and more. Shit man, I was broken about it!

And so I was broken about last night, knowing that someone had been playing with my anemone with a white dildo.

It shattered my heart knowing that once again, I had come on in second place.

It was then onto the massive crabs. Surely more massive than anything Paris Hilton has seen in her life.

Although I do stand to be corrected.

Check how big these bad boys are.

Yeah, try getting rid of those. I believe they are called Spider Crabs or something.

And that’s it really, I’ll probably go get my hair sheared now, it’s getting a bit long especially in this Cape Town wind that has been pomping me of late.

I still can’t believe you perceived the headline of this article in that way.

I ought to wash your mouth out with soap.

Potty mouth.

Sean Lloyd

Editor