I laughed the other day when someone told me to watch An Inconvenient Truth. The only inconvenient truth that would scare me is if something went wrong in the human code and women started disappearing off the planet until there were only men left. That would scare the life out of me.

But this whole global warming thing is definitely a hoax. And the world running out of oil? I think that’s a lie, if we just close down KFC there will be more than enough oil in the world. I just cooked those vegetables last night in olive oil, and if it runs out I will just go buy more at Woolworths. Their shelves are packed with olive oil.

So this whole thing of global warming, Al? When last did you visit Cape Town? Have you ever been to Cape Town?

I took a little websurf over to CapeTown-Direct.com where they have THIS awesome webcam thing going. So I took a look at a couple of the pictures. Let’s have a see Mr Gore. Or Dr Gore, whatever you call yourself now.

Bloubergstrand in Cape Town- Raining 

Century City in Cape Town- Raining 

Table Mountain Upper Station in Cape Town-  Clearly raining 

What was that Mr Gore? Warming? If anything, it’s getting damn cold in Cape Town! Why don’t you leave your little American ranch and go check out this side of the world. Global food shortages? I went to Woolworths this morning and there was so much food there I nearly died, what with all the choice.

Liar liar, pants would be on fire if there wasn’t so much rain in the world.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I woke up this morning and looked out of my window only to realise that Al Gore is a liar. Once I had wrapped my mind around the fact that An Inconvenient Truth was just a money spinner, I decided to invite some girls over because it’s raining and I’m cold. So I pumped out a couple of phone calls but not one of the little angels answered.

So I sent a couple of messages out.

No replies.

I changed my Facebook status to “Sean is home alone in this rainy weather, so come and visit darlings”

Absolutely no reply, but checking my number of friends it seems that some people had deleted me, probably girls.

Feeling lonely and destitute, I headed over to the fridge to get some food, but there was none because I forgot to leave the house this week.

But there was a bottle of Veuve. Oh Veuve my first true love! I touched the bottle, and as cold as it was, a spark was created. Those of you nerds out there will tell me that glass won’t spark.

Ok Mr “Let’s not shag a mother on a Friday night but rather shag a mother board”, you obviously don’t know about sexual chemistry then. Because that’s what Veuve is, 100% sexual.

Seeing as though there were no angels in the house, I would have to seduce the Veuve. Luckily with the bottle we could skip the foreplay. Check out this Friday morning of mine. I had to seduce a bottle of Veuve and I’m sure that’s more than enough emotional attachment for me, considering no real people will actually message me.

“What? You’re wet? Babe we have been inside all day, not out playing in the rain. Hey? No I have no idea what you are talking about, the rain is outside”

“I’ll just one handedly unclip that LA SENZA(Yeah click that link) bra babes”

“Let’s get you out of that little yellow dress”

“I’m looking at your boobies!”

Obviously I won’t go into what happened next, popping the cork and all.

But I’m sure that is more than enough action for the weekend. You know I’m not lonely here. No, the Playstation is more than enough emotional stimulation for me. However, if you do want to visit me, then don’t hesitate my little Cape Town fashion models. I’m here all weekend.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Chilled 

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

God my eyes nearly fell out of my head now!

I decided to take a bit of a lunch break, get out of Casa del Lloyd for a while and head on over to Kauai in Cavendish Square to pick up a Thai chicken salad. Yes that’s correct. You don’t keep this temple of a body by not eating right.

I was a bit disappointed though as I thought the Thai chicken salad came with a little Thai slave boy. Which it didn’t. Not ideal. Now who is going to walk to the beach every day to get me my Clifton salt water that I like to bathe in?

Anyway I was taking a stroll around and there were many delectable little school girls running amok, prancing around and looking like real tarts. Is there something in the water or have schoolgirls tits gotten a lot bigger since I left school? Just an observation.

So I’m walking along and I see these little darlings putting such rubbish in their bodies.

No silly…not that type of rubbish!

What?

No that would be referencing the girls from Whoreschel!

I mean…um…Herschel.

So this little blonde devil(Not an angel…that’s for sure) is walking next to me chatting to her equally portly friend.

They have McDonalds in their hands.

“I just got a Big Mac and fries Nikky”

So I just whisper every so softly:

“It looks like you got a big ass and thighs fatty”

Well my God you should have seen the look this little devil gave me!

She then says “Excuse me?” With a look of arrogance on her face, like a proper trust fund baby.

She was basically talking to me like she was thin! Which she most certainly was not.

“Don’t worry about it, just enjoy your HO-liday” I said, emphasising the HO.

I honestly thought she was going to karate chop me, but butter buns just walked up to her skater punk boyfriend and left.

Darling, it’s not like I ate you fat like that, so don’t be mad at me. Be mad at you.

That’s it really, and from my observations Cape Town schools are clearly on holiday.

Because at lunch time on a Thursday afternoon these little buggers should normally not be at Cavendish Square.

Lunch time in Cape Town is for the older people who have various cocaine and champagne addictions to attend to, so I expect them to be out.

But not kids.

It’s definitely school holidays.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m not sure if last night was a once off vibe, but Tiger Tiger in Claremont offered us free drinks last night. For the whole club. From 8pm until 10pm.

I can confidently say that I have never felt this shit at 9am on a Wednesday morning. If Tiger Tiger continue this absolute silliness, I am going to have to not work on Wednesdays. Honestly it was insane. All I remember was chilling with Jammo, Brad and Charlie V and literally sitting at the bar downing drinks, one after another. What a silly thing to do when we still have a whole week ahead of us!

And now today I have to sit in front of the computer writing power articles for whoever pays me to write the way I do.

I’m thinking of taking a TC but I think I will survive. There were quite a lot of girls there as well which was nice.

But I didn’t come right. Because I think I may have been drooling. Check out the D-floor below:

Enjoy the guy in the centre going for the lunge. Aaaaaand…bat

Some of you might think that that is a bit full. But it’s not. It’s easy picking, like clubbing baby seals (Oooooh PETA) You might think those girls look young. They probably are. Kind of like that song:

“Young girl get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line”

It was crazy and if they carry on like this I’m going to have to to get a Milk Thistle sponsorship form Natrodale.

Over and out I need to put out some work. Because clearly I didn’t put out last night.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

In a shocking revelation, our so called “health minister” has come out to warn us of a tea that is still being sold that contains an ingredient called “comfrey” and apparently this may cause liver damage. News24 ran the story HERE

If you are a slave child living in the ceiling of a Constantia house, this might not really shock you because you will think this is the right thing for a health minister to be doing. But in South Africa it is QUITE clear that “health” and “Manto Tshabalala Msimang” should never ever be mentioned in the same paragraph, let alone the same magazine or newspaper.

Quite fond of the odd piss up she is, and therefore it is quite shocking for her to say that tea might cause liver damage, but drinking in hospital seems alright. In an article over HERE entitled “Manto’s hospital booze binge”, we realise she likes the odd tipple, so it is quite funny that she warns that a tea might cause liver damage. I would probably believe her if I had a 22 inch gold plated cock, but I don’t. Well at least it’s not gold plated but it is HUGE.

In the same article it also says she would only eat Woolworths food. That’s a given. I mean as the health minister she should only eat the very best food. Woolworths sell healthy stuff. But I’m guessing Manto went for the Chuckles.

It’s also quite clear that our chick Manto is fond of the odd garage pie or 72. It also looks as if she might have consumed all of the worlds oil (Off Manto and global warming will cease to exist). Because let’s not beat around the bush here(Oooooh…gross), she is not big boned. She is…to put it mildly…one huuuuuuuge bitch.

Looking at her is like looking at a tub of lard, covered in more lard, and sprinkled with alcohol. To quote her hospital booze binge article:

“After a party in her room one night, at about 1:30am, the minister demanded lemons”

You might think that a lemon would go nicely in a drink and that is what fatty boom boom used it for. But given the ministers prior health statements, it seems to me that she had hired a rent boy, who had AIDS. And we all know that consuming things such as lemon, beetroot and sweet potatoes will cure AIDS. It’s a South African proven fact. Well at least a South African government proven fact.

Manto: Sucking on a lemon lozenge after sex for maximum protection

Apparently Manto is doing the celebrity thing of unveiling a winter sexual lingerie range. But as we all know G-strings are old news and Manto is releasing the G-Rope.

Fish net stocking are also out, and have been replaced by I&J’s actual deep sea trawling nets, for “plus size bitches”

She is also the celebrity face of various products, and Prohep and Essentiale are in a bidding war to get her to use their liver tablets. With Natrodale Milk Thistle making a sneaky chase for the prize…

Manto: Pops these like Skittles

So that’s it, all the latest news on health that you need to know.

Over and out.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Morning all

Wow, it has been a while and don’t worry, I do still have some cool stuff to write. It’s not like I have writers block or anything!

No really…it’s true. It’s just that I have been put on assignment to write some things for another website and there are deadlines and all that other stuff. Basically I’m cruising around KaapStad looking at properties and that sort of thing, and making it sound so good you want to buy it! You do, just hand the money over to me.

So that’s where we are at right now. Quite busy, quite in demand, quite sexy still.

Not much in the news department but it is all in my head, I just need to find a spot of time to write it. And I went to a manic braai on Sunday night and seemed to have lost my camera, or left it at the house where we were braaing. So I can’t take phottos of the devilish activities that I find myself getting up to. I do have a sick video of the latest Winch Mission and you will want to eat it. I just need to get it from Andy B and we need to put it into the YouTube application on the internet machine.

Did you also get the message from Tiger Tiger? On the Facebook over 21 Tiger Tiger group? Free drinks on house brands from 8pm until 10pm tonight?

I’m going in there with one intention. To break Tigers bank account and drink their bar dry.

I know I have it in me. See you there tonight or maybe see you here on these pages later in the day, I will see how the work goes.

Peace, love, and all that hippie shit.

Sean Lloyd

Editor