For many years tourists and locals alike have been visiting Robben Island because it holds a big piece of South Africa’s history. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned there and he came out and went on to be our most wicked president ever. Madiba was just too cool. He was rad, chilling with Francois Pienaar, and even wearing his jersey, when we won the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

Now Robben Island had a bit of a tough time last year, posting a loss of R25 million. There were problems with Ferries and personally I think another major problem is that once people have seen Robben Island, they don’t really go back. But places like Ibiza, people literally start selling drugs to earn the money to go back. SO…I have a plan.

This might sound crazy and we might be kind of riding over the heritage of this country but hear me out. I highly recommend to parliament that we turn Robben Island from a tourist attraction into a tourist destination! A place that tourists specifically come to visit. A place where the beer flows like a crystal clear mountain stream, where the people instinctively flock like the swallows of Capistrano.

SLXS present Robben Islebiza to THE WORLD!

We turn it into the thumping beat of Ibiza, the soul of Sicily, the heart of the South African dream! Women doing the tango wearing Brazilian bikinis with the fittest bodies you have ever seen, men who resemble Greek Gods, booze piped in like water, cigars burning crisply on the lips of the rich and famous and music to make Ibiza sound like amateur hour. The Ferries at Robben Island have had a bit of a tough time and they never actually work which is one of the many reasons why Robben Island lost R25 million. Who needs boats?

Our pilot Terry would fly guests in by chopper, and we would get the boys from Thunder City to fly people in on fighter jets. Terry could even charter private jets to handle bigger crews of people. Let’s get a hovercraft as well, for fun!

I mean let’s be honest for a second here. Nelson Mandela would like nothing more than for his cell to be a SELL! Am I right? Am I right? YES!

Money does make the world go round and in a country like South Africa there are lot’s of us who could do with a few extra nickels in our pockets. I’m not talking about you or me. Trust me, we are fine. But Robben Islebiza would literally make so much money it would put the world trade in cocaine to shame. It would pump all week because even regular Cape Town people would trade in their night at Ignite and Caprice for the wonderland that is Robben Islebiza.

The R25 million loss over a financial year would turn into a R25 million rand gain a month- at least! Probably more. Holiday season would be on fire and we could easily pump R100 million a month. That type of money can be used to invest in sustainable energy like wind and solar. We could upgrade schools, hospitals, kick some people out of government and replace them with people who actually know what they are doing. Eskom could afford engineers who have at least passed the 5th grade. We could stop messing around curing AIDS with olive oil and African potatoes and get real things like AZT. We could get our health minister sent to Alcoholics Anonymous. And seeing as though she is our health minister, she could at least try Weigh Less. Or USN could sponsor her some Phedra Cut.

No spice…Robben Islebiza would be what oil is to America. It would be pure money. Guest DJ’s could be flown in, we could fly the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in to perform here and it would basically just be 100% fun and debauchery, ALL the time!

Are you getting your head around this? Do you actually understand how big this would be for Cape Town? Forget the 2010 World Cup, this would trump that 9000-1. Imagine sipping a cocktail while Paul van Dyk busts it out on stage. The view would be intense! Looking over the ocean and looking directly at the most beautiful city in the world- Cape Town. And Table Mountain. Paradise would have to be renamed “Robben Islebiza”

It’s clinically insane what I am proposing here because the coolness factor is off the charts. They could even build a hotel and sell some apartments on Robben Islebiza. Throw in a casino, build some nice beaches, install some palm trees. The opportunities for fun are endless.

Sol Kerzner made Sun City in pretty much the desert. Come on Sol, let’s get together for a gin and juice and make Robben Islebiza happen?

I’m available to chat anytime.

Let’s make this happen my boy.

Sean Lloyd

Editor