In a quest to find the best salad in Cape Town, I’ve been down a very decadent and depraved road. Salad is for health, and I’ve walked these roads in search of this eternal fountain of youth.

Cape Town is paved with the sould of supermodels in search of money, sex and fame. It’s paved with cocaine, champagne and good times. And all these times revolve around the supermodels who visit this great city, only eating salads to get work and get the money that allows them to live the dream. In some countries you get Sumo Salad, in Cape Town we take our inspiration from the stick figures who roam the city, and we dedicate our salads to them.

After months of searching, I’ve found the two top contendors.

In the left hand corner, we have Nando’s salad that comes with the strips and spicy rice!

In the right hand corner we have the Mitchells side salad, all the way from the V&A Waterfront!

Now based on the decadent choices here, which would be your favourite side salad?

Cowley, Ramshackle, McGregor and random(Photo via)

Dammit, that bloody came out of nowhere!

I’m joking, who honestly wants to go spend a months salary on dinner?

I’ve never been a fan of high end cuisine, I’d rather be watching live music somewhere random and then swinging past Barcellos afterwards for a chicken. Call me a plebb, but this high end dining is not for me. I feel too uncomfortable, in fact I generally feel uncomfortable anywhere pretentious and smart, although I do still have another character I pull out when speaking to the who’s who of Cape Town. So I use that character when speaking to myself, naturally. I’m talented and gifted like that!

Anyway, Cape Town is a fairly chilled place and people dig to do chilled things, like hang out at clubs listening to music, chilling on the beach and having relaxed evenings. Something like Maze is not a place we’re going to go to. I want to cruise somewhere in my boardshorts and not have to worry about who hears what I have to say. I don’t want to have to be reserved at the dinner table. I want to play with my food, laugh until I cry and I want to spill food on my clothing. That’s just me though…

My first hint that things at Maze may not go so well over the coming months was when I was charged R110 for a Red Bull and a glass of red wine at the bar at The One & Only. Now I actually don’t mind that they charge this, because you are paying for being in a place like that. All I’m saying is that I don’t care much for surroundings, I care for an atmosphere and good friends. Being surrounded by marble and gold and crystal really doesn’t impress me. Being surrounded by awesome friends and live music in a relaxed atmosphere does impress me. So does the fact that I’m not paying towards some R1 billion establishment. While the height of excess, and while I do appreciate it, it’s not some place I’d go ever day. Or ever.

I’ve never been to Maze because it doesn’t appeal to me, in fact I don’t know of many people who have been there. And if they have, they’ve been once. Once to see it, but they won’t go back, and now they can’t.

Actually I’m tired of writing this piece, I don’t know why I started in the first place!

What is this Olimp Sports Betting Bar in Cape Town all about I hear you ask?

When I was a little girl boy I always wanted to be like a real celeb. Then I became a pseudo/faux ‘blogger’ which was like a consolation prize from the people running my life. I really wanted celeb status but you know…you need to work for that and that’s a bit of a mission! Anyway, continuing on my way to be famous by association, I continue to go to society events, in the hope that someone is like “Hey, put that dude in the next Coke commercial!”

Because you only need to be right once, and then bang, you’re done.

So on Thursday night last week, I minced over to the media launch (Nogal) of Olimp bar in Wale Street, Cape Town. Ja, media. You hear me lecturers at Varsity College, I told you I’d do it!

You may or may not know this, but I hate being behind a computer, but I love just cruising around events and socializing and having a bit of a jol. I think I need to do socializing for a career! You know, rent a crowd. But rent me. For an extra dollar we’ll…anyway.

Olimp is surely going to be the place to go during the Soccer World Cup because you can dop, skop en drop some dollars, all the while having a healthy chance of making that money back depending on how good you are at placing your bets. When they said sports betting bar, I wasn’t aware that it was like…full on betting! And by this I mean there are ‘totes’ (Is that the right word?) with real live people in them who take your bets. You feel like such a high roller!

Which naturally you are.

I wasn’t too sure about the place in the beginning because it seemed, well a little small. That is until Gabi and Marina told us there was an upstairs section. Of course! I needed to be higher…up.

The place is awesome and I say this partly biased, because some of the women there were amazing! But all in all…and all (Ey Durbz bru!)…it’s an amazing place. It doesn’t really strike me as a sports betting bar because I always thought they were these seedy places where we’d be drinking shots of diesel and playing games of pool for the pink slips of our cars. But Olimp is kitted! There are so many flat screen TV’s I thought it was a joke. But that’s how they’re rolling I see. It’s so that you can’t miss a second of the game and while it is excessive…well that’s the way we like it.

It’s not for the faint of heart though, because it looks like things could get serious…you know once I drop 40 billion Deutschemark on the donkey at the races! You can also bet on all sorts of races so you don’t need to go there only if you’re into horse racing, you can just bet on whatever is going. Mmmmmm a new addiction for you sir!

But seriously they’ve done it right, it’s in the right place, so you can pop through at lunch, slam a few brews, drop some cash and win some cash, all in  apremium environment, totally different to what I imagined a sports betting bar to be.

Here is the write up on Olimp Sports Betting Bar in Cape Town:

In MAY 2010, our state-of-the-art venue opened it’s doors to avid sports-fans.

OLIMP boasts a total of 35 big screen TV’s, fully licensed bars and delicious food. Most importantly, OLIMP owns an internationally patented betting system that allows one to place bets on both local and international games at any time. Bets can also be placed through their online betting facility by visiting the website www.olimp.co.za

OLIMP is situated at 120 Loop Street, Cape Town (Cnr Loop & Wale) and is open 7 days a week.

OLIMPS SPORTS BETTING BAR will be screening all the big games, all the time, day and night!

Anyway, to prove I was there (And in the hope that I continue getting invited to events to make me look busy and important and international and sexual), I thought I’d throw in a few photos of the night. Mostly of me. I’m vain and superficial like that. Enjoy my facial expressions though, class clown class clown! I might as well throw photos of myself in here, because the regular press will never do that to me. And please enjoy the photo BOMB at the bottom, classic:

Oh howzit miss, I appreciate you looking at us but you are married!

Oh howzit, suit up!

Photo bomb BOOM!

Thanks to Gabi and Marina for the invite, much appreciated

Lots of love, now go win me some money! Writing this badly doesn’t pay for itself.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Neighbourhood in Long Street because of its relaxed atmosphere and homely feel. It puts you at ease. It’s like the girlfriend you always wanted to love you and the parents you always wanted to care for you. It’s that shoulder to cry on. It’s the Dr Phil to your screwed up life.

And now it seems it also had the added ability to make man happy in pants.

I was lighting my pipe (Dr Bond — Cock ‘n Bull) earlier in the day and catching up on my picture Viagra in the latest issue of FHM (Get it, it’s absolutely smoking) when I came across (Not on…Mr Nash!) the most gorgeous girl of YOUR life!

Once I managed to compose myself and stopped sitting on my hand, I read up about this stunner and her name is Jenna Saras. Naturally I Googled her (That accounts for my lazy eye) and I stumbled upon her page on Fusion Models (HERE). Well goodness gracious me Grace! Jenna is quite simply one of the most gorgeous models I’ve ever seen. This is what it says in the FHM calendar:

Where are you from and what were you like as a lightie?

Well, I grew up in Ballito. I was a typical skater girl, hanging with all the okes. I had dreadlocks (Ooooooh sexual desire! — Sean) and there wasn’t a second when I didn’t have my skateboard with me

So how did you get into this modelling vibe, then?

When I was coming to the end of my school career, more and more people started suggesting I try modelling. I resisted it, but then I decided that if I didn’t try, I’d never know. So we combed my dreads out and I went to see an agency. My mom was so stoked!

Where might we have seen you modelling?

I did this Liqui-Fruit TV ad where I had to down the juice really fast. You guys might’ve seen that.

And away from the camera, are you still skating?

Ja, I still skate to my agency in Cape Town for meetings – it’s great cardio. I also do reiki treatments and I’m a barlady at my favourite bar, Neighbourhood in Long Street.

OH MY SHATTERED NERVES SKAT!

Have you ever in your life heard of someone so gorgeous? I surely haven’t! But now onto the photos which The Google found for you (Not for me):

Oh and here is a picture I took of the calendar, but only because you all asked me to. Otherwise, you know, I would never have done it:

So if you want, you could always pop down to Neighbourhood to grab a drink from Jenna Saras.

Mmmmm…I don’t recall her name…but I do recall…her Fez…

Wow…tough crowd.

Where? Neighbourhood, Long Street in Cape Town

Why? The most gorgeous bar ladies and waitresses, good company and AWESOME food! Try the curly fries and the nachos, she’s good!

Praise whoever you praise when you see titties!

In the greatest news ever in the history of mankind, I saw a ‘tweet’ on Twitter from a mate, Nic, who mentioned a link to an article which ended up being the raddest article in the history of life, ever. Like ever ever.

This is what it had to say in brief:

Hooters of America Inc has signed a Franchisee Agreement with Chanticleer and Shaw Food PTY, LTD to open Hooters restaurants in South Africa prior to the 2010 World Cup.

Under the agreement 7 restaurants will open over the next 7 years and the company believes that as many as 4 will open prior to next summers matches.

Chanticleer and Shaw Food PTY, LTD is a joint venture between US based Chanticleer Holding, Inc (CCLR) and South African Shaw Food in which each group controls 50%. The partnership will open its first location in Cape Town in late 2009.

The hooters menu features seafood (Clams?), sandwiches, and Hooters’ signature spicy chicken wings served up by all American cheerleaders, the Hooters girls.

So not only do we get soccer, we get tits as well. South Africa is now the manliest capital of the world, what more do you need than tits and soccer? Exactly.

I really do hope they bring in authentic American waitresses. I love those American girls man!

So here is what Cape Town is going to have to deal with by the end of this year:

Praise the Lord!

Um…yeah…I’m going to go lie down for a few hours while my brain tries to handle this, and then I’ll be back.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I see what Lookout Deck have done here, because they are in the harbour, and sell fish (Paris Hilton excluded), they thought they would make their menu 100% sexual! Naughty naughty! I was there yesterday for some shenanigans. Evil shenanigans!

I mean really now…Crab and Clam Chowder? Gross! Chow clam…

And “Chef’s Soup Of The Day — Depending which way the wind’s blowing”

There are things that blow my balls back, but to make this decide what the soup is is a little bit risky.

“White cream soup coming up!”

And really to put the word “blowing” in is being ever so spicy!

I refuse to even get into the fish cakes. I’m just surprised there isn’t a deep fried, crusty coating.

Yuck…moving on.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Ever since I gave up major league drinking (I still have very interspersed benders where I cannot remember a thing — Thursday last week at Club 91 was a prime example) I’ve needed to replace it with something. Usually girls are a good idea…but you know…I can’t just go pour myself a doll now CAN I?

But I can go pour some coffee, or buy some.

I decided to leave my Nouveau Rich lifestyle and head to the haunting grounds of Camps Bay to scope out the talent. We had decided that vida e was the place to stop off at and talk filth.

I love vida e, I’ve heard a couple of the stores are closing down in the WC. That’s fine, keep it a core brand, boutique style, keep it in the major areas where it needs to be. Kloof Street, Camps Bay, Cavendish etc.

I think vida can obviously be defined by great coffee, but even more than that, their staff are in a completely different league.To have teams of four or five guys at all their coffee shops just gelling like an amzing team is quite some feat. At every vida store the energy is amazing, they’re like barman on top of their game. Service with a smile, jokes, efficient service, never a dull moment.

There is nothing worse than walking into a shop where you know the staff don’t care about you, and worse, they don’t care about their jobs. It’s very difficult to describe the vibe at vida, but it’s electric. I wish i knew how they chose their staff and got them to all interact so easily, it’s amazing. It’s so rare to see that in a working environment, to see everyone getting along.

Anyway, our guy making our coffee looked at Charlie V and said “I’m going to put my face in your coffee”

And he did! Check out this for cool:

Yeah what can I say, vida are amazing with one of the greatest staff complements I have ever seen in any business.

High five!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

This is quite funny because I heard this news just as my new batch of “F The Recession” t-shirts were being printed. Saucy!

So as it goes, The Showroom restaurant in Cape Town has closed (Source). Not surprising really, considering the style of eating there. Set amongst multi million rand cars, it doesn’t quite give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It’s like dining in a garage. Also, the portion sizes were part of this ridiculous “fashion” food, where when you’re done eating you’re thinking “Ok so what’s for dinner?”

Not for me.

Riboville is in liquidation (Source) which is a shame as it really was something spectacular, set in the old bank in Cape Town. But I suppose that what the recession does, it knocks off all the industries of our lifestyle excess. Pity.

Riboville in Cape Town: ALL GONE!

The good news? SLXS is still open to rock out! BANG Chopper Reid!

You know, maybe that Al Gore was right in saying that there is a recession…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

(This piece was written last week, apologies for the delay in getting it to “your” computer)

Wowzer, I awoke this morning to an absolute blinder of a day.

I heard my phone beep, and I was sure it was an angel messaging me thanking me for last night.

But it wasn’t. It was a message from my dad.

“Sorry to see your favourite deli Carlucci’s in Rondebosch in liquidation!”

“Dad, do not mess with me. I’ve just woken up, and I’m in pain from gym yesterday, and not from banging last night. Dad, there is no angel lying in my bed this morning, please stop with the abuse”

“See Cape Times today”

“Will do. Dad, why don’t chicks dig me?”

I got no reply.

THANKS Dad, for helping me out so in the female situation.

Anyway, I stumbled down to the corner cafe, wearing my robe, and purchased the Cape Times. I staggered back into the house, wondering if life could kick me harder while I’m down. I scanned through the pages, thinking surely my old mad was pointing me to an article about myself.

I scanned the headlines, but there was nothing entitled “Raddest dude alive”, so I knew they were not talking of thy Holiness, The Sean.

I sent a chick a message, for fun, because I was bored.

“Wanna do me?”

No reply.

I scanned the paper again. Ah ha! Dad was right in pointing me to these hallowed pages.

Carluccis in Rondebosch had closed down! Well slap me around and call me Susan!

I honestly CAN’T understand why this establishment had closed down. I mean really, it’s not as though it was toilet to start off with.

You can read my original review on Carluccis over HERE.

A couple of snippets from that piece:

“The chicken sandwich arrived and if I had shown a photo here of that thing, you would actually die. Two pieces of white bread, no lettuce, hardly any chicken to speak of and it came in at R28. Do you know what sandwich you can get at Woolworths for R28? An awesome one!”

“The bill arrived and I had been charged R44 for a salad that I actually didn’t receive.”

“I’m pretty sure with that service and quality of food, it will be closing down soon. I will let you know when it happens so we can toast to it. It’s definitely worth cracking a bottle of Veuve for that day.”

Well choke me out, the day arrived!

I really can’t understand WHAT went wrong with Carlucci’s.

Surely it’s not a service problem, because, you know, service isn’t really a part of the service industry, surely?

Well in any case, you can’t complain about the service that was given at Carlucci’s, because there was none.

A few choice snippets from the Cape Times article:

“Ian Williams Property Investments cc, running Carlucci’s in Oranjezicht, Roeland Street, Rondebosch and Bantry Bay, was recently placed under provisional liquidation by the Cape Town Magistrates court”

Williams said ” ‘trading circumstances’ arising ‘from the global credit crisis’ had seen turnover fall more than 30%, while overheads increased by about 10%”

I don’t think the credit crisis can be blamed, I think it’s absolutely shocking service and a poorly, poorly run business in the service industry.

It’s funny how in the credit crisis, the places with service and quality continue to thrive.

Oh wow look how it has had DEVASTATING effects on Kauai, vida e and Giovannis.

Absolutely terrible!

I’d like to get on my knees, say a little prayer to the Gods (Whoever they may be who watch over the restaurant business) and thank them.

You have succeeded, VICTORY!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

( This post is a sequal to “Beluga continue their bizarre service” over HERE)

I was maxing a sick vibe in Hout Bay on Saturday afternoon with the most divine bunch of angels in the entire world. You all looked so stunning, and I never mentioned this, but you all gave me a woodie!

So the girls, who hadn’t eaten in a few days (Nice…) decided that they wanted some Beluga, so HB took her chariot and drove myself and the MD, the Crizzler and Jones to Beluga.

We got stuck in traffic as the Cape Minstrels thought it would be amazing to just walk all over the streets, causing a traffic jam that can only be described as a Baghdad car bomb.

AnyDoogieHowzer, our order was made, we took delivery of two platters and railed it home at pace so the delivery could be made to Hout Bay and the girls could eat.

So Zo and the crew are eating when someone asks me what is in the food. I guessed it was salmon or tuna as is usually the case with sushi. I take a bite of one of the pieces of sushi.

Now it is clear to me that Beluga are trying to kill me, or at the very least remove my testicles in a very rural manner, kind of like just ripping them off with no anaesthetic.

I forget what those stupid sushi things are called, like California rolls or something. But as is the case with every sushi joint in the world, you are served fresh cuts of tuna in these California rolls.

And once again, as is the case with Beluga, they decide on their own rules as if they live in a parallel universe where they are God, and they decided to try and take my life.

Listen to this : Beluga, on Saturday 3 January 2009 (I think, will try find the till slip), replaced the regular fresh cuts of tuna, with TINNED TUNA. Tinned tuna that you buy at the corner shop. Tinned tuna that is the cheap ends of the fish. Tinned tuna that you NEVER serve in a sushi restaurant, especially when you have the status of Beluga, where all the cool kids eat.

Tinned tuna : EXCLUSIVE to Beluga in Cape Town!

I thought my crew were joking when they said there was tinned tuna in the platter, but I can confirm after eating a piece, that it was tinned tuna. I can confirm along with about four other people that day, that Beluga served us tinned tuna.

Beluga, if you want to kill us, just shoot us. Poison us. Don’t do this slow death thing, where every time we visit, a little piece of our soul is taken away, and one more of our lives is taken away.

I don’t know if it’s drugs, but it can be fixed. Tik is a very real problem in Cape Town, and if you are addicted to Tik just let us know.

I’ll pay for your rehab, if it means that we won’t have to eat tinned tuna again.

Sort it out guys, you’re on a zero in my books.

Ok make it a 1, there were some hot chicks at the restaurant. Make it a 2 because I most definitely would.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I had a fairly chilled day on Clifton 4th on Saturday, although I’m starting to notice a bit of a downward trend on Clifton 4th these days.

You know, as you walk onto the beach from the sidewalk, there seems to just be a lot of litter there. Not ideal. That’s why I change of plan was made yesterday to head to my favourite place in the world, Llandudno. Much better:

Llandudno…yesterday…touch yourself in inappropriate places… 

Anyway on Saturday after Clifton we headed off to La Med to get some food, cocktails etc and just chill out because the day had been so demanding!

So I cruise off to the guys bathroom and never in my life have I seen such a disgusting display by a restaurant, especially a place such as La Med. I mean, we’d expect it at Tin Roof at 4am on a Friday, but not at La Med at around 5pm on a Saturday, when the place is not even that busy.

I just find it funny that brands such as Havaianas and Guess are now associating themselves with La Med, and all they can offer is a bathroom of filth. I don’t have photos, but anyone there would back me up, and no one at La Med can deny that the bathroom was disgusting. The place basically smelt like piss, there was a bin in the corner with flies hovering around it, and there were flies everywhere, even on the urinals.

I’m not quite sure what to make of it, but maybe guys, just maybe, a little revamp is in order? The bathrooms are not looking great and I think we can all agree on that. I always judge places by their bathrooms and if a bathroom is filthy, one wonders how hygienic the rest of the place is.

Places such as Hemisphere have their bathrooms sorted, but La Med are slacking in this regard. Just because the bathroom is not the entrance to the restaurant, does not mean that it should look and smell like filth.

In fact, the bathroom should be regularly cleaned and be one of the cleanest places in the restaurant.

I just think Saturday was a major let down, and if I were one of the brands associating myself with La Med, I would get them to sort out those bathrooms immediately if I were going to continue a working relationship with them.

Come on La Med, let’s sort it out now and get ready for a pumping summer.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was out and about shmoozing last week in and amongst Cape Town’s elite. It’s what I do. It’s how insane life is right now. So we went to some sort of relaunch of Marimba Cafe at the Cape Town International Convention Centre. I say “some sort of” because I’m not quite sure why I was there, but I was hooked at the open bar nature of the invite. It’s funny because someone was telling me the other day that there is some sort of economic recession. I honestly was not aware of this. If I was, I probably would not have gone in the Ford F250 stretch limo.

I won’t lie, Marimba Cafe is one of the most stunning restaurants I have been to in ages. Something about it just feels warm and comforting, as though you were chilling at home with your best friends. I think the photos speak for themselves and it is DEFINITELY worth a visit or seventeen. A seperate smoking bar, a DJ section upstairs and a visible kitchen makes it an old school experience of fine dining and style. We were given all sorts of things to eat, from espetadas to calamari and it was all so amazing, I wanted to eat it all.

There was this dude there, and people were claiming that he had stayed in a house with cameras for about three months. “Big deal” I thought, noting that I have many cameras in my house, and I stay in it all the time. He goes by the name Ferdi. Something about a Little Sister, or a Big Brother or something. I wasn’t really listening. Not quite sure about this one. It seems so spiced that I just HAD to pull the cheesiest smile in the history of the world. Because I knew I was being Punk’d. Ashton still has not called me, but even if he did I would not answer his call. I have more important things on my agenda.

Sean, are you alright?

What economic recession?

This is what we do for a living. ALL the time.

Kicking the Marimba

Cape Town’s elite — Chilling

Chilled.

Yeah so that’s the direction my life is currently heading in. Not much to say about this whole recession other than the fact that I think people are lying about it.

Note: A major thanks to Murray for taking these awesome photos on the night!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I recently discovered The Google inside The Internet Machine and it’s absolutely amazing! I was searching fairly simple things like Midget Porn, Circus Freaks and Ron Jeremy when I decided to put this so called “search engine” to use.

And the results were admirable!

I searched for carlucci’s in rondebosch and came across a little piece on a webplot called My Rondebosch if you click here. It contains this pearler, and I quote:

“Sounds delicious, and if the comment from our waiter – that carlucci’s is already turning over three times more in a day than Blake’s did – is anything to go by, then owner Ian Williams is sure to make a success of it”

Sweet mother of God.

If carlucci’s is turning over three times as much in a day than Blake’s did, all I can say is Blake’s must have been SUPER KAK! Or alternatively, Blake’s were turning out between 5 and 6 customers a day.

Or al-alternatively, the reason they are turning over so much more is because you literally need to pay in Jesus Christ for a chicken sambo!

And besides, carlucci’s don’t even have a website. If they were half decent, they would have a website. It’s like any chick in Cape Town who tells you “Well actually I’m a model, and an actress, but I’m just not working at the moment, taking a bit of time off from the industry”

How funny is it that they refer to it as THE INDUSTRY?! As thought it’s the only industry that keeps the coreolis (Spelling?) effect of the earth going! BULLSHIT! If you were any decent you would be modeling in New York, or you would be in Cape Town with loads of work, or you would be acting in LA.

I’m struggling to get my head around all of this on a Monday morning.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We decided on Wednesday morning, seeing as though we were hanging quite badly, to stop off at Carlucci’s in Rondebosch, because we were on our way past it in pursuit of the V&A Waterfront for Sebago Docksides and Diesel Jeans.

The name carlucci’s sounds pretty good and from the outside the place looks semi-alrightish, but walking in and actually experiencing the horror show is another story.

carlucci’s in Rondebosch. Not my vibe. 

To fit in with my vibe of healthy eating during the day, and red wine abuse at night, I thought I would order the chicken salad. A chicken wrap was ordered for my wingman, and a toasted chicken sandwich for my other wingman.

So we order…and we wait…and I start to feel like shotgunning all those drinks the previous night was a bad idea. About 10 minutes go by when Albert Einstein who happens to be manning the restaurant today ambles along and tells us there is no lettuce.

The way she told us was classical though, saying that there would be no lettuce to put in the chicken wrap. Quietly not mentioning the fact that I had actually ordered something based on lettuce!

So I mentioned this, and then ordered something else which we won’t speak of as it’s not even worth mentioning.

I’m not very religious, but a God of sorts was clearly directly above us, just playing the fool! The chicken sandwich arrived and if I had shown a photo here of that thing, you would actually die.

Two pieces of white bread, no lettuce, hardly any chicken to speak of and it came in at R28. Do you know what sandwich you can get at Woolworths for R28? An awesome one! And Woolies sandwiches are fairly expensive. Albert did pull R3 off the price of the sambo when we told her that we didn’t even get lettuce on it.

The bill arrived and I had been charged R44 for a salad that I actually didn’t receive. I told Albert this, and she then apologised and charged me the R33 or something instead for the most hideous roll I have ever had in my life.

JESUS carlucci’s, what type of business are you trying to run? Kids at market days could offer much better service and quality than this.

If you want to experience this, it’s actually worth wasting the R27 and trying out the chicken sandwich at carlucci’s. It is absolutely mind bending how shit it is. You could try a salad, but they probably won’t have lettuce.

We probably should have taken note of the fact that there is never anyone at carlucci’s, that inside it is like a dark cellar, and that on the day in question, there were three other people in the place.

I for one thought that carlucci’s were in the mob business and they were trying to kill me. Surely service and food like this WILL kill a person? Better yet, I thought that maybe they were organising a hit on me. I was certain Bugsy was going to walk in with a henchman, and he would point a machine gun at me. I would flip the table over, and he would shoot at it. I would naturally not get hit by any of these bullets, as in these movie scenes, we all know that wooden tables are miraculously bullet proof.

They would run out of ammo and have to reload. I would take a small gun out of my leather manbag, and pop two caps directly into the thugs heads, killing them. I would go on to be the new leader of the carlucci’s Mob.

My readers would argue that writing rubbish like this on a Friday morning must surely mean that I am drunk. Well surely I should be drunk, considering the weekend started yesterday? Surely? So yes, your suspicions are correct.

So that’s another place in Cape Town not to got to. Not that you would have considered it anyway. I have driven past carlucci’s in Rondebosch hundreds of times, and not once have I felt the need to go in. A hangover made me do it.

But now you know…Skip carlucci’s in Rondebosch.

I’m pretty sure with that service and quality of food, it will be closing down soon.

I will let you know when it happens so we can toast to it. It’s definitely worth cracking a bottle of Veuve for that day.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Following on from THIS post by Chris over at iMod, we were to experience the very worst of Beluga yesterday.

After bending Saturday out of shape at Bishops (More on that later), I could hardly eat the whole of yesterday due to my stomach feeling like a cement mixer. Hanging like the Mona Lisa, some of the girls decided we should hit Beluga for half price sushi. Which was a great idea after Saturday shattered our wallets as a truck load of alcohol was bought, and consumed. All in me!

Anyway, we arrived at Beluga yesterday at 4pm, where I was met by three girls. Luckily two more guys arrived, otherwise I would have looked like the gay best friend. Not ideal when I’m trying to score supermodels.

So our waiter Dave took our orders and we waited…and waited…and waited. Then another waiter arrived and said he was taking over from Dave, but bizarrely, Dave was still around, just serving other tables. After waiting over an hour for sushi for six people, I strolled over to the manager to see if our chef was maybe not still catching the fish in Norway, and harvesting the rice in India. I also thought he might have taken a quick jog to Clifton to get some seaweed.

The manager assured me that everything would be taken care of, and he said it was strange that our order took so long because it was not busy at all.

I then went back to our table, we poured some soy sauce into the bowl vibe, and out came a fruit fly. Awesome. I’m not too stressed about that though, as it’s hardly going to kill me. I partied at Tin Roof in the day so my immune system is like an iron wall.

Then we realised that both of the bottles of soy sauce were the low sodium variety, but one had a red cap (Indicating regular soy sauce) and the other had a green cap (Indicating low sodium) Both bottles stated low sodium. Now this isn’t too much of a problem, and I’m not one of those tools who complains about these minor details, but sometimes it’s the attention to detail that turns a place from good into great.

So our sushi eventually arrived, we smashed it down, and when the bill came we had been given R100 off, plus one or two free Cokes (Cola, not cocaine).

Which is cool, but I still can’t understand why Beluga is slipping like this. Word spreads quickly in Cape Town of bad service, and while I will still go back to Beluga, you can’t offer service like that to international visitors.

Anyway, I’m sure we will be back soon to see if things have been corrected.

Click HERE for the Beluga website.

Sean Lloyd

Editor