I’m pretty confident writing this, because back in the day there were a few things that would just happen in your life. If you are around my age now, there would have been a few constants in your parents life, well actually your dads life. It was so simple being a man back then, because you had to know nothing. You went to work, came back home, chopped wood and cooked meat. Now you’re probably coming home, lighting charcoal and helping the wife make a salad (This was unheard of in my parents days. If you were a man, you didn’t eat anything with bright colours. You ate meat. You drank beer. You sat with the boys). Krist, you’re probably even getting a foot massage. The only foot massage your old man was getting, was from the cheeky brunette who his friend was dating, and was sitting opposite him at a steak dinner at the holiday house the one year.

You grew a moustache.

When you were growing up, your dad probably had a moustache. Not because it was cool. Or because he forgot to take it off after Movember. He had it because he was a man!  Men grew moustaches. And even if women didn’t like it, they accepted it. Hey…I suppose men had to accept Bush being in power back then, so yeah…Karma’s a bitch. There are three things that men were known for back in the day, and this is the first one. The next two follow.

You wore Ray Ban Aviators.

Mike Ditka: A MAN

Back in the day your dad wore Ray Ban Aviators…not because he thought they were cool, or because they suited him. He wore them because dammit, that’s the only sunglass that existed back in the day! Your dad wasn’t a little girlie man, and he didn’t wait in anticipation for the new limited edition Aviator to come out. Your dad wore the gold frames with the green lenses. And that’s the cool thing about the old days! You never had to spend a lot of money. You had one suit, one pair if sunglasses, one car, one pair if jeans…life was simple. Now we have washes on jeans and shit is getting so complicated that it’s actually a mission just to stay alive.

I however take things back to the old school. I wear one pair of jeans, wear white t shirts and alternate between a linen and a leather jacket. I don’t need a different dress code for every day of the week, what is this? The style network? These people who have fifty jackets and 20 pairs of jeans make me crazy. I wake up and my clothes are ready for me. I slap on Old Spice and I roll. And the cool thing is, I don’t need to worry about looking like a complete tit when my clothing goes out of fashion. Mine never does. Life’s not that complicated, people complicate it.

Learn something from your dad, and buy what you need, the essentials. Keep your life simple and tidy. Advertising has you wanting all that shit…

And you wore Old Spice.

I was reminded of Old Spice when I was watching the Old Spice ads, like this very awesome one:

It’s taken me 25 years to buy my very own bottle of Old Spice, and it has been the most exciting purchase of my life.

Now chilling on my bookshelf

But I mean, that’s the thing, your dad was like a primal man. He shaved against the grain with a cheap single blade razor. And then after that, as if the cuts and razor burn were not bad enough, he would slap on Old Spice and burn the life out of his skin. And he’d be red all day from the burn, but in those days every man had a red face all day. Because they were men. Some of your folks friends probably don’t even look like people anymore, because their skin is as haggard as hell, but they’ve still got hot chicks…and they’re rich! They honestly resemble mummies, but they’re funny, wealthy and their wives gives these youngsters a run for their money, I’ll tell you that much.

I must be honest, if parents didn’t mellow in their age, they’d kill us now. My old man, back in the day, would have killed someone had he known they were using a moisturiser, or using a shaving cream to reduce razor burn. Or heaven forbid, using 5 blades on a razor! (Which to be honest, is ridiculous)

I mean, men in the old days did what made them feel awesome, and that’s what makes them cool. People thought Clint Eastwood was hardcore back in the day, but the fact is, if you were a man, you were exactly like Clint Eastwood. Except you weren’t an actor. In fact, acting would have been considered a little girlie mans job back in the day. So your dad is even more hardcore than Clint. For real. Your dad would have kicked Clint in his nuts back in the day, that’s how girlie Clint was. Realising he was a girlie man, Clint would give your dad a hundred bucks, for the honour of being nut kicked by such a primal man. This is the time your dad lived in. It was brutal and honest and manly.

Look, men aren’t perfect! We cannot multitask. I for one, can only concentrate on one thing. I cannot klap a cow dead while thinking of what salad will go with it. That’s why as a man, I dont eat salad with my bloody steak. I eat potatoes because back in the day as a primal man, we’d moer a cow, chow it, and then when we were sawing up the carcass we’d saw a bit into the ground and find potatoes. Which is why today a steak goes with chips. Although your old man would more you in your bek if he saw you eating chips. Men didn’t know chips back in the day, they had whole baked potatoes. Or raw ones. You’re not a chick, you eat what you find and you don’t think about it. This is also the reason men die so young these days, because we eat what we find. And if we find dinner to be a pie and a Coke at the petrol station, then that is dinner. We don’t care what is in it.

Another thing men cannot multi task at is driving and reading. I also cannot drive and read a magazine, which is why I become ridiculously wealthy and buy a driver to drive for me.

I don’t know how to fly, so I become wealthy and buy a plane and hire a pilot. So we aren’t perfect, but God came damn close to perfection with us.

He is making a couple of cock ups lately though, as drug fuelled bad boys like Colin Farrell and Robbie Williams are being replaced by Justin Wiener little girlie men.

Mind you, I throw out my feminine side from time to time, and I’m awesome. I order hair wax from the UK on Ebay. I moisturise. But who wouldn’t throw out some feminine vibes, growing up with parents listening to the Bee Gees and Rod Stewart?

Of course I’m going to bloody moisturise! Of course I’m going to wear tight pants! Of course I’m going to love my hair more than anything else. One of my favorite comedians in the world was, and still is, the late, great Bernie Mac. Now here’s a man who knew how to roll!

The fact is, you can do as many feminine things as you like, but as soon as a woman smells Old Spice, she knows what she is dealing with. You’re an old school man!

Old Spice never dates, and it’s great to take away with you. Going away and losing an R800 bottle of Gucci is a pain in the nuts, but losing a R99 bottle of Old Spice can be handled.

Just look at photos of your folks back in the 80’s, they didn’t care about style (Evidently), they never posed and pouted for photos, they didn’t own a lot of stuff. But they were there, partying, braaing, listening to insane music and having a good time. And they were in many cases happier than we are today, because they owned less, had less to worry about.

We could learn something from our folks, we really could.

And I think we should…