19 Comments Smarties is a rich source of energy

Article written by the majestic Sean Lloyd on the 14 Aug 2008

I generally try to hang around good looking chicks, because otherwise I get a bad reputation. It’s not that I’m a doos or anything, but I know the fat chick mentality.

They see me talking to one fat chick at a club, and suddenly they think I am “fat chick friendly” which I most certainly am not. I’m as cold as ice towards fat chicks. You also don’t want to talk to them because the slightest hint of friendliness has them thinking that they are going to sleep with you. Trust me…I have experienced these beasts before.

What? I’m serious, I’m not shallow. I just like hot girls.

Anyway, you will all know a fat chick by association. Because all hot girls walk around with a bunch of mingers, so they look ultra hot. As soon as Nicole Ritchie started losing her pies, Paris Hilton dropped her. You see, it’s even proven in Hollywood.

Anyway, talking of fat chicks, I think there are some of you (Not you my readers, some other girls I know, and they know who they are) that have been eating way too many pies over winter. It’s time to go for a run, tubby.

Right back to the Smarties. I give this fat chick…

Wait…is it suddenly rude to say “fat chick”? Must I say big boned?

Well I would pumpkin tits, but bones do NOT get cellulite on them!

And anyway, you call guys fat and it seems ok. At least we get fat by drinking beer and having fun with our friends, instead of having a girls sleep over where you all cry over boyfriends and then tuck into Oreos and ice cream.

Shoooo! I’m mean today…this is the lean and angry editor!

So this chick I know, which I will deny to my death, leaves a box of Smarties in my car the other day. I had to lift her somewhere because she cannot walk. She is not disabled, she’s just lazy. And hence she is fat.

So now I see the God forsaken box in my car and immediately it reminds me of her, which is not a good thing. I pick up the box, careful to use a tissue so as not to get sweat from her grubby paws on my delicately crafted hands.


Smarties: Pull fat chicks into a trance

Anyway I start to read the box and realise why tubby has been given a false sense of security over eating a box of Smarties. The box says:

“Did you know? Smarties is a rich source of energy. Each 25 g serving (25 Smarties) provides 483 kilojoules”

Since when can manufacturers do this? McDonalds could also do this.

“McDonalds is the BEST source of energy in the world!”

Then in small print:

“You going to get thunder thighs you tub of lard”

Honestly, it’s not false information, but it’s putting information in the wrong context I suppose. I mean, it’s ridiculous. And I don’t have time to take Nestle to court (Too busy boning supermodels at the pool) but I’m not worried if they lie or not.

But when they lie, and it affects the girls round me, then I get angry. I know one box of Smarties won’t make you fat, just as one drink won’t make you an alcoholic. But let’s be honest, who can only have one drink? I mean really, I refuse to leave the bottle until it is finished.

Have some dignity, there are sober kids in India and here we leave a bottle half empty!

I can see the scenario already, I’m going to walk into a club one night and see one huge ass bitch. As per usual, I will avoid her, but she will call me.

“Sssssshhhhh…ssssshhhh…..SSSSSSeeeeeaaaaaNNNN!” She will splutter, as another Sweetie Pie gets shoved down the hatch.

“Sorry the slaughterhouse is that way, and they don’t do donkeys” I would casually say.

“SSSSEEEEEaaaaaN it’s me! Kate!”

“Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph! What didn’t you eat skank? You are quite a fatty boom boom!”

“Sean I’m not fat! I’m NOT fat! I’m a rich source of energy!”

“Well unless we want to send another man to the moon, or all want drive Hummers, I don’t think we have a need for that amount energy you pie eating machine”

You see what we are dealing with by Smarties replacing “Smarties are fattening” to “Smarties are a rich source of energy”?

DO you see? DO YOU?

I think the consequences are dire for planet earth. The last thing we need are more girls who are wider than they are tall. No wonder I’m single, all the nice girls are big, and all the skinny girls are stuck up.

I know big girls are nice, and intellectual, and fun to speak to, but honestly, If I wanted to look at your brain, or talk to it, I would.

It’s clear though that I want you to be in shape so you don’t break my back and I at least have some sort of credibility in this town. And please don’t read this and cry…because I know when you cry you eat ice cream.

And let’s be honest…that’s the last thing you or your ass needs right now, because a moment on the lips (Facial) means a lifetime on the hips.

Sean Lloyd



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Charlie V @ Reply

oh god, sean, please send me some twinsaver tissues, and huggies nappies, cos i just pissed my jean pant reading that article. so true, so true and i think we all know who the BO-HEE-MITH is that needs to go for some afternoon jogs. I would even volunteer sponsoring a gym contract. Im fat because im unhappy, and im unhappy because i’m fat. its a visious circle, u know carrrbs are the enemy… bla bla bla.(fat bastard in goldmember) Ur fat, deal with it, eat less.

Fauve @ Reply

“you just like hot girls” and then you say hot girls hang out with “mingers” perhaps that is the case because those “mingers” actually like them for who they are and not because of their looks?

How insecure are you? You say you get a bad reputation? Who the hell is really looking anyways? Everyone is absorbed-well should be in what they are doing.. drinking and looking for someone to hook up with.. ha ha ha.. but the main aim of the majority of people when they tend to go out-not to judge on actions of those who are intoxicated.. but to make sure that their own “unethical ways” are making them happy! !

I also like how you have tried to hide your obnoxiousness about “big girls are nice”

Shane @ Website Reply

Charlie, I couldn’t agree more. What pisses me off even more are horizontally challenged chicks who drink Diet Coke/Tab but still scoff fatty shit down there throats. Do they think that because their drinking ‘DIET’ soda it means their actually on a diet?

However, fat girls do come in handy when your in the “where-the-fuck-are-my-pants” drunken state and you need some loving!

Sean Lloyd @ Website Reply

I think we are all on the wrong website. Some of you may care to be redirected to

Shane I love it!

Charlie V you legend!


Doddler @ Website Reply

Waaahaaa haa haa…Sean, bro, you are definitely going to Hell…..

Sean Lloyd @ Website Reply

Doddler! I may be going to hell but I’m catching the Rovos rail ( down there with air conditioning,a contingent of angels who they will allow into hell with me, a cellar full of Veuve champagne and when I get there I’m staying in a luxury air conditioned villa!

Sounds quite good really…

Shane @ Website Reply

“I may be going to hell but I’m catching the Rovos rail (

Classic comment!

Leanne @ Reply

ok ok ok i laughed at this article!! is it wrong for a girl to laugh??
ok i know i am meant to stand up for chicks and stuff… and being a fairly large chick myself i shouldnt find it funny… but you are classic..
i cant look at a box of smarties in the same way ever again…. oh boy!

oh and i went to gym today.. thank god otherwise id feel like sh1t reading this! but i didnt… plus you still speak to me at tiger so i cant be that huge.. or are u just THAT drunk.. mmmm hahahaha

being shallow is one way of saying you have standards… nothing wrong with that!!

and girls only perve hot guys… none of my friends have ever seen a fat or ugly guy and said, i think he has an amazing personality..lets make out… please we are all just as shallow… you are just dumb enuf to publish your shallowness.. and i applaud you for it!


Sean Lloyd @ Website Reply

I’m actually quite deep. Deep enough to realise that I’m shallow

Karl Neef @ Reply

Hahaha… dig this line: “If I wanted to look at your brain, or talk to it, I would.”

Deneil @ Reply

Why do chicks get so anal? Its not like they became fat over night – they actually had to eat a ton to gain a ton.

Rock on SLXS!

Sean Lloyd @ Website Reply

I know. And when you tell them to maybe eat a chicken salad they go “Ahhhh no I don’t like salad!”

But they will happily graze an entire KFC Family Meal by themselves.

If we limited fat peoples food supply…and I’m not joking here, there would be more food available to the people who really need it, like those starving in Africa. FACT!

Natalie @ Reply

Simply amazing. Haven’t laughed so much in ages.

Shaz @ Reply

Sean, u just made my week… and im a chick so you know its gotta be good for a chick to laugh about fat chicks… oh and can i please have a big mac, super sized, extra chicken nuggets, chutney wrap… with a diet coke pls…

Sean Lloyd @ Website Reply

Shaz you can have all that food…but the chicks at Caprice are going to throw lettuce at you if you do…

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[...] I’ve often been slated for taking a bit of a harsh line on some people due to various eating issues. Perfectionism is something I might strive towards, some might say. The thing is, if you were to build the world up from nothing, wouldn’t you want it perfect? Wouldn’t you want models everywhere? My stance comes from one of promoting only the best, and if I were to promote Oprah over Gisele in the salad department, no one would believe in what I do, because it would be fake. And so I do tend to hang out with people who promote this image, 24 hours a day. If I weren’t living what I were writing, there would be no credibility. And so that explains the angle I took on the Smarties article (HERE). [...]

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[...] people say that I lead a crazy life of Llandudno and lazing, partying and Smartieing, maxing and [...]

craig @ Reply

Hahahaahahaa this is a farrrrrking funny article bro… sorry but i gotta agree, who wants to be seen as “fat chick friendly”

nice one dude… good laugh

I should notify my girlfriend about it. w

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