Cars aren’t quite the topic of conversation at any party anymore, whether it be a wealthy cocaine fest, or a poor Coke Light fest.

For the wealthy crowd, they always have a couple of poorer friends and so they don’t talk about excess expenditure, for fear of making their poor friends seem insignificant. I mean, otherwise they would freely do cocaine off the dining room mirror, instead of going to the bathroom. They also don’t mention their Aston’s exorbitant fuel usage, because there is bound to be some hippy nearby who will throttle them with a Prius’ clutch cable, and bash them with a lithium ion battery.

For the poor, they don’t talk about cars because…well…there’s really nothing much to discuss on a Toyota Tazz.

“It’s actually got Bosch windscreen wipers”

“Mmmmmm…interesting…Daaaaave”

And most of them have taken to riding bikes anyway.

I understand all of this, I really do, and that’s why I wrote it. But surely we can put together some decent car program on television? And by decent, here is what I mean:

Young and vibrant

Anyone who sports a moustache and tries to be sexy will fail. I recall a few years ago when that one presenter on TopCar(The dude with the ‘tache) had a model sit in one of the cars. They tried to make the program sexual, but it just doesn’t work.

Dude you’re over 40 and sporting a moustache, it’s hardly going to get your target market bone-ified. Remember, your target market is essentially guys. And yes, girls do watch the show, hence having good looking, young guys as presenters. And hell, why not have some female presenters? It’s always guys, and there are some girls out there who could do a car program.

Imagine me headlining the program! In The Hummer!

No ex sports stars

The problem with ex sports stars is that they were designed to run fast, or save goals, and they were not designed to be funny. Think Gary Bailey on TopCar or whatever it was. The other problem is that a lot of them like Joost van der Westhuizen are constantly doing coke off hookers. Not a good vibe!They also try to hang onto their glory days, and as Joel and Joost have shown…bad idea! It’s over guys, you were the dream. Now you’re just the nightmare.

Don’t give stats

No one cares about torque or any of that stuff. And if they do want to know this stuff, I’ll introduce them to Google. We want fun. What is fun? I’ll show you fun! And whatever you do, don’t try emulate TopGear. We’ve seen M-Net copy overseas programs like Big Brother and Idols, and it always results in broken dreams.

Where are theIdols winners now, singing my “Rooi Rok” at the base of an escalator at a Brakpan shopping centre? Be original boys.

Do out of the ordinary

Come up with cool ideas. Like for instance, do a piece on drivers licenses. Get a driving instructor to rate your driving now that you drive regularly, and not under the watchful eyes of a driving test instructor. Arrive at the test drinking a beer. Wheel spin. Hand brake turn. Talk on your phone. Klap a J. Get him to rate your driving. Just do anything other than drive a car down the road describing it’s new cupholders. The car is a sideline, the entertainment is the feature.

Invite traffic cops onto the show

Let’s be honest, how much funnier could it get than interviewing a spiet kop?

I dunno guys, these are just a couple of ideas off the top of my head. There are a lot of people in South Africa who are way better than ex sports stars, we can surely write an original car program? Put us all in a room, throw some ideas around?

Anyone keen to shoot a pilot?

Sean Lloyd

Editor