I spent some time on the weekend studying the exterior of two bottles of gin, and I also spent about ten hours studying the contents of the bottles when I came towards an enlightened conclusion. Whatever that means. Do you ever read things in the newspapers, where columnists try and use the biggest words possible, and you have no idea what they are saying? And you just read on, hoping it will be put in context later so you might understand it? Well that’s what is happening to me right now, I don’t know what I’m writing.

So anyway, not one to merely taste my alcohol, I’m a connoisseur of sorts and like to delve deeper into the history behind the brands, the taste, the heritage and the bottle shape. What can I say…I’m a stickler! So after pouring myself a G&T, with some fresh lime, I sat down with Jerry D and Charlie V to take in a day of X-Box and deep thinking. Rad!

Anyway we had it all on Saturday, chilling in the apartment, X-Box, internet, gin, tonic, cheese grater abs, braai going on the balcony.

It was during a moment in Colin McRae Dirt where I took a sip of my drink, looked towards the sky(Well actually the ceiling) and thought “It’s…it’s…it’s beautiful!” Obviously we were drinking Tanqueray and so for that price it better damn well be beautiful!

Being the Ronnie Woods that we are, we also had a smaller bottle of Gordons gin available just in case of emergencies. Like for instance, if we had to walk to the shop, we could take the smaller bottle to fuel our walk to the shop. I was then doing an in depth study of both bottles when I looked across the room and said to Charlie V:

“I was just thinking now, can you taste the difference between Smirnoff Red and regular Smirnoff vodka?”

“No not really” came his reply.

And this is where my moment of clarity came in. I was pretty sure that most alcohol goes on some sort of marketing scheme, rather than pure taste, especially towards the younger market. Now this is obvious and anyone in marketing and advertising will tell you this, but my question is, how much more does it cost Smirnoff to produce Smirnoff Red vodka than it does to produce regular Smirnoff?

Smirnoff Red vodka says that it is “Triple Distilled” and that has been it’s trump card over regular Smirnoff. But then on a bottle of Russian Bear, it also says that it is triple distilled, yet Russian Bear is considerably cheaper than Smirnoff Red.

Smirnoff Red however is marketed to a different market, and it’s the type of drink you will see advertised in GQ magazine.

I do understand that there are vodkas that are made to be sipped on their own, without mixer, and this is an entirely different story. But Smirnoff Red vodka is not that great to be considered in these leagues and so will still more likely than not be mixed with Coke. And after mixing it with Coke, can you really, truly tell the difference between Russian Bear, Smirnoff and Smirnoff Red? I doubt you can. And especially after five drinks or so, when you start to get mildly hammered.

You know those evenings, when as more drinks go down the hatch, you start to pour yourself stiffer and stiffer drinks, yet they still taste the same as a single? This is my point. It’s hard enough to taste the difference on your first vodka and Coke, and I think it will be nearly impossible to taste the difference when you are drunk.

As I was saying about the gin though, I had come to study the two different bottles and was reading on the Gordons bottle, the following:

BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TANQUERAY GORDON & COMPANY LIMITED LONDON ENGLAND GIN DISTILLERS.

I then looked over onto the Tanqueray bottle and saw the following:

BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TANQUERAY GORDON & COMPANY LIMITED LONDON ENGLAND GIN DISTILLERS.

Mmmmm let’s see…what’s similiar…ummm…everything! Including the fact that on both bottles, the name “Gordon” and “Tanqueray” are used. Tanqueray is made in Britain though which could to some extent show in the price of it, while Gordon’s is distilled and bottled in South Africa.

Could there be a similarity here or am I just trying to convince myself that most booze is similiar and to the untrained palette will not taste any different?

Gordon’s gin is distilled three times while Tanqueray is distilled four times. Does this extra distillation make it better? If premium market vodka is distilled three times, is triple distilled gin then not just as good relatively speaking?

Anyway, have a look at the Tanqueray bottle available in South Africa:

And then the Gordons gin bottle, well this is the foreign one, but anyway:

You know what? The only thing similar there is the colour! I’m an idiot, I don’t know what I’m talking about!

But is there some sort of connection with Gordons and Tanqueray, or am I mistaken? Are they made by the same people? There are a few similarities and it’s interesting.

The more I drink the more I lose interest in this article.

But I tell you what, you try drink and write. It’s not as easy and fun as it sounds, even though when I write I sound like an international icon of everything excessive in life. It’s sometimes hard being me, and every hangover I am reminded that it was for a good cause. The cause was writing for my readers and for that I am eternally grateful.

I’m just going to pop to the shop to get some more lemons, or limes…don’t do anything I wouldn’t do while I’m gone.

And that’s how you waste a few minutes of your time, reading this. But you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it, but in this state, I would enjoy eating a section of tarred road.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

One of the benefits of living in Cape Town is that it is very chilled out, allowing us to live a life of leisure and pleasure without feeling guilty about it. Go to Clifton beach in Cape Town on any summer day and there will be as many people there doing nothing as there are people working in offices. What an awesome city!

It also seems that, with Friday being the last day of the week, it was designed for Cape Town. Other than not being too stressed about life, we also have the ability to do as we please. Work can wait for another week. But living can’t. We need to live NOW!

And so I found myself today in some warm company. Well that’s if warm company is a cigar, some whisky, and my Hugh Hefner robe while listening to “When doves cry” by Prince on channel 105 DMX on DSTV, awesome!

Kate would only play dirty after I smoked a cigar. Mr Clinton.

And what a relaxing day it was. I wrote a couple of things from my bed, researched a few articles for SLXS and some other people, and generally just took leisure and pleasure to new levels.

It’s only appropriate though, because with SLXS at the forefront of leisure and pleasure, I need to represent for all of us. Which is exactly what I did. Then I’ll go visit Harley next week.

You must taste the Lagavulin, mind blowing! A single Islay malt whisky, 16 years old (Just the way I like my girlfriends…jokes…………………..NOT!) Do take the time to read up a little bit about it over HERE. I don’t know if it’s that easy to find in Cape Town, but my hands are all over this bottle right now. Delicious!

Minki showing us Blue Steels competition: The Lollipop

It’s probably also necessary to tell you that Minki is trying to seduce me right now. While I was trying to capture the Lagavulin bottle, she held a flame to my styled hair and said she wanted to be in the photo. Look how seductive her eyes are though. Look how she looks at me, at YOU! It’s insane.

Later we would play doctor doctor…

And in saying that, I must make haste and surf my way off into the weekend. Enjoy it, behave, party hard, and we will see you all on Monday.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

There are many reasons to go venture into the urban paradise of Constantia. The main reason though is because the amount of hot Constantia mommies are ridiculous. You can basically close your eyes, point anywhere and there will be a MILF. I know this because I tried it and I landed on the fittest, tightest body I have ever seen in my life.

Definitely keeping it in shape for the hubby.

But while the Constantia Pick ‘n Pay is a glorious field of cuisine, it’s the sushi bar that is the attraction.

They have authentic chefs at the sushi bar, and not Ronel from Bellville, so you know it’s good!  There is an actual bar where you can sit at and eat, or you can just have a take out like I did. I ordered the take out and headed back to Casa del Lloyd to listen to some Roger Goode and eat some sushi.

Only then would I touch myself…

And let me tell you…it was good. The sushi.

I got 14 pieces, and it was the “Rainbow roll selection” I thought it appropriate because I saw a rainbow today. The pieces were divided up as such:

6 vegetarian

4 tuna and avocado

4 salmon, crab and avocado

All inside you

In and around your mouth

I also creamed myself with this:

Yeah, I basically bought half a litre of mayonnaise, and that is the packet it came in. I put that mayo in and around my mouth. And my pants. I’m not sure it was such a good idea ingesting it though because the ingredients list is in foreign. And we all know how dangerous that Chinese sounding stuff can be. Remember? Not? You obviously aren’t well read then. You might recall stories of dodgy ingredients being put into their foods. But I ate an hour ago and I still seem fine so I’m fairly confident that I will live few more days.

I do however think that I ate some pieces of a baby, because on the mayo packaging, there was a picture of a baby, and “500g” next to it. So I paid for half a kilogram of a baby. Awesome. The FBI will be over any second now.

Babies: Tastier than you might think

Did I mention that for that sushi, it was R52? I think that’s fairly damn good! I will definitely eat that again.

Where? Pick ‘n Pay Constantia sushi bar

What? Sushi

When? All year round.

Extras? Hot, rich, tappable Constantia mommies

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was at lunch at Greens in Constantia with a pack of angels the other day and not at any one time did it strike me that they actually thought I was gay. I didn’t suspect that, as the only male in the pack of 6, that they thought I was their gay best friend. I honestly thought I was going to sleep with all of them at some point before August.

I honestly believed that.

So these chicks are talking hair(On their head) and what not, and being quite into hair products, I started getting in one the conversation. So I’m going on about GHD’s and split ends and masks and the like when Michelle says to me:

“Are all gay guys this into their hair?”

Well I NEVER!! I nearly choked on my caesar salad right there. So not only did they now think I was gay, even when I explained that I wasn’t they saw me as “just a friend” After all I had at one point or another seen them all naked.

And stupidly, I never thought they let me see them naked because they thought I was gay. Je-zuz. I thought they walked around naked when I was around because it was kind of like window shopping. If I liked what I saw, I could make a purchase.

That lunch turned into the worst lunch of my life. Five of the hottest girls I know are now “just friends”

I actually made all that up, but I had a sneaky morning bender today and there are all weird ideas in my head. Onto the review:

One of the things I never stuff around with are the drugs I put in and around my mouth and brain.

Oh no…that’s for another post. Wait…that’s for my Narcotics Anonymous meeting later today.

Haircare…haircare…ok got it.

So I was out and about the other day and someone remarked on my hair and how awesome it was looking. Because it was. They insulted me by asking what gel I wear.

“Gel? GEL? Does it look like I use that shit? Who do you think I am, some B-grade movie star or boy band member?”

You see, all that stuff you buy from the corner shop contains alcohol and dries out the hair(As Sean recites his hairdressers words and that of many GQ articles)

When another friend remarked that he was using something that cost R30, I nearly keeled over and died.

My hair refuses anything other than salon bought products. Look it’s not cheap, but neither is cocaine and you seem to be able to still afford that.

So basically I have very fussy hair, and it has told me that if I use an inferior product, it will fall out. If I use gel, my hair will fall out. So I need to use something better and more expensive.

My choice? American Crew Fiber. Honestly guys, this is the one product you should be using. It’s not really promoted in Cape Town because it’s not available at stores but it is available to order online from Mantality.co.za.

American Crew Fiber: Put it inside you

For a 100 gram tub of American Crew Fiber it is going to cost you R260 (Somehow it went up by R35 since my last order), but look at yourself caveman. Look at that rubbish you are using. Do you want people to think that you look less than your best? No. Exactly.

The good thing is that you only need to use small amounts and this tub will last a long time. Even if it did only last a month it would only cost you about R7 a day. You won’t spend R7 a day but you will spend R13 for a cup of coffee? Are you sure that’s Canderel in your coffee and not cocaine? Seriously, R7 a day is nothing compared to the amount of action you will get.

Men with cool hairstyles come right more often. True story. David Beckham. Ok he is wealthy and famous but if his hair looked like a wankfest, he might be dating Wayne Rooney right now.

American Crew Fiber is the original and Redken have realised this because they have released Outplay texture putty which is essentially trying to compete for the American Crew market. It should do quite well in Cape Town because Redken is available at salons whereas American Crew is not. But I still recommend the original American Crew Fiber.

Outplay might lead to foreplay

The key to using American Crew Fiber is to towel dry your hair, and then apply a small amount throughout the hair. To do this, take a small amount and rub it between your palms(In the tub it is quite hard), then just apply it all over. This gives the hair a bit of shape, texture and control.

Then after that, apply Fiber to random sections of hair to give it a textured look. What I do is twist my hair into random sections to give it a spiky, ‘chicks fall all over me’ look.

Mmmmmm you like that Candice don’t you? Well apparently so…

American Crew Fiber won’t go hard in your hair and stays pliable all day. It is not greasy at all but rather gives a matte finish and a high hold. It’s what you have been looking for. Serious.

It’s good for any hair type and is pretty damn strong, and if I say that you know it’s true because everyone remarks that I spend the most time of anyone on my hair, and reading up on new hair stuff. Not afraid to admit it then…

Instead of using inferior ingredients though, American Crew Fiber contains lanolin and beeswax so your hair is not going to end up drier than the Sahara desert at lunchtime.

Look if your hair product contains alcohol then you are a fool. I have had my haircut at Evolv, Partners, Edge, Carlton and none of them use inferior products and you should listen to them. American Crew Fiber is the one hair product that I fully recommend and you will want to eat it. If it’s in your hair, you are going to come right.

Think about it:

Non greasy

High hold

Texture, seperation and crazy styles

Healthy for your hair

SLXS approved

To purchase it online (The only way to get it in Cape Town), click below for safe, secure and discreet delivery through Mantality.co.za:

So that’s that right there. Oh yeah…I also decided to get a few other things to add to the collection, bringing it to this:

Mmmmmmm…

I know. Don’t ask.

Oh…there is one more thing:

Chicks dig it

I didn’t spend over a grand though for me. It’s for the girls. Apparently they use it to straighten their hair. A little unconventional as I have always just known shaving and waxing.

But hey…I will give it a go, it must be the trend these days and I will give anything a try at least once.

Shoo that was a sexual article.

Touch it…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

While I was out yesterday building shelters for the homeless people I received an sms that had me dropping my trowel and saying:

“Adios, build this house yourself, I have an event to plan for!”

Jerry D arrived back from Nam yesterday and immediately let me know that we should be attending Bastille weekend in Franschhoek. I enquired as to why, as the word “Bastille” sounded decidedly French to me.

He then let me know that it is a weekend of celebration for some or other reason. Neither of us really cared to do more research into it after we realised that it is nothing more than a booze up. This had us sold on the idea of taking a little trip up this weekend.

The official Franschhoek website lets us know that some of the events this weekend include:

A ‘Long Walk’ commemorating freedom. This is a 21km walk from the prison gates to the monument. This sounds like a foolish idea! Why walk when we can just ask the Saudis to pump more oil so we can get there in our cars? And why would we want to walk 21km’s? Especially when there is a booze up happening nearby!

21km walk or a bottle of wine?

21km walk or a bottle of wine?

21km walk or a bottle of wine?

I think you know what I will be doing. I will be having 6 bottles of wine, to celebrate ‘freedom’ Freedom to choose to drink at any tome of the day.

It also says there is a Food and Wine Marquee. Now that’s what I’m talking about! YES! VICTORY! I don’t care about the food but the wine does sound delicious.

It also mentions that you should wear a beret, but I don’t want us looking like gay French sidewalk painters, so I’m telling the guys to just dress normally. But girls, you can wear berets, as long as you look similiar to this. Or exactly like this:

Kate insisted I shag her on the back seat while Barton our driver drove us to our house in the Hamptons

If you don’t look like that, then please give it a skip.

Honestly…

I’m not shallow!

I just like hot chicks.

Nothing wrong with that.

Click HERE for the Franschhoek website with more details. It runs from the 12th until the 13th of July. And sobriety is for nuns.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It’s quite funny really that I had this diagnosis when I was younger. Obviously the first thing I was diagnosed with, upon being born, was elephantitis.

On my kok.

After that however I was diagnosed bulimic, osmosic and telepathetic. Basically these all combine to give me superpowers unlike anyone else. So I can pick up the earths signals, radio waves etc and I just seem to know what is going on all the time. I’m the only person in the world who can do this. Well my sources in Cape Town tell me there is some other person as well.

I’m guessing he is Mexican though because his name is pronounced “Hay-soos” I think you spell it “Jeeeee-zuz” but he likes to scribe it “Jesus” He belongs to the Christ family. He is apparently quite wealthy because he trademarked the word “Christmas” and so everytime a shop, or magazine, or news reader mentions the word “Christmas” they pay a royalty fee on that. Apparently the Christ family are now multi millionaires and live in the Bahamas where they tend to their Mary Jane plantation.

You can see The Jesus smokes the herb because he has the most amazing “Wild man of Borneo” look to him. Long shaggy hair and a beard. I have seen some photos of him, he is off the hook! If I were The Jesus I would definitely go for the office party haircut. Short back and sides, but long and flowing at the back. So it’s work at the front, and party at the back!

Anyway I was meaning to tell you that due to my genetic capabilities, I know what is happening at the G8 Summit and here I will share my inside views.

The G8 Summit is where various world leaders go to indulge in their wildest fantasies. It’s the Motley Crue of government meetings and the name “G8″ was used, only because BMW had already taken “X5″ and Audi had taken “A8″ and “S4″

George W, Gordon Brown, Jacques Chirac and Tiny Blair

The G8 summit is affectionately referred to as “Gate” or “Great” as that is how it could possibly read. “Great” because it is a great event, and “Gate” because it is a gateway for various leaders to escape their bitchy wives and enter the gateway to hookers and crack cocaine. Coincidentally this year it is being held in Scotland, the home of the elixir of life, whisky. With the G8 summit costing around ten million pounds, that is a fair amount of sex and whisky.

Looking at the character list for this year, it seems that only males are invited, which earns itself the name of “The great(G8) kokfest” But funny enough even though there are many men going, there is only one kok attending and that is the great American hope, George “Whatthefuckyoulookingat” Bush.

Sky News have let us know that they chose Scotland because it is remote and it is easier to protect against terror attacks and assassination attempts. Personally I know this is a lie. Terrorist attacks like 9/11 are coordinated by the US government to give them reasons to invade Iraq for oil. Scotland does not seem to have much oil, so there will be no terrorist attack. And while George W does have a peanut brain, I doubt he would fund ANOTHER terrorist attack on a summit that he is attending. I mean to kill yourself is a bit much, just to quell rumours of a government planned 9/11 attack.

Leaders attending this years drug-fest are also urged to wear their brown pants. Because in between drug fuelled orgies, they are required by law to discuss Africa, global warming, oil and global food shortages.

Looking at oil, there is hardly any left. This leads to food shortages, with Africa getting drop kicked to the head by this. Global warming is just cruising along and no one can seem to stop it. They are basically going to Scotland to discuss how trashed the world is, and the revelations are apparently so shocking that some of the leaders might shit themselves, hence the brown pants to disguise their stress levels.

Scotlands distilleries are being told to triple whisky production as leaders are urged to drink 24 hours a day to ease the pain of these world revelations. George W has asked for barrels of Jack Daniels to be sent down but leaders are urging against this as the threat of Osama Bin Laden hiding in one of these barrels, then jumping out and killing George, is too high.

George W has agreed and is instead taking boxes of roofies with him, as alcohol alone is not enough to calm his deadened nerves. He is also leaving his 25 gallon drums of lube at home even though organisers allowed him to fly these over.

The organisers let him know that the young ladies he will be smashing at the summit don’t in fact need lube as their bodies are not rusted up old Cadillacs like his wifes is.

Tony Blair is arriving with his Entourage and has requested beer goggles, vicodyn and leather whips.

Gordon Brown has been flown in as well, not as a leader, but as a prostitute. Due to the large amount of mouthskis being requested, Gordon has been flown in because he is also known as “Deep Throat” (Not related to W. Mark Felt) due to his unique jaw dropping ability(HERE) which allows him to swallow a cucumber.

Other things that leaders have requested include:

A jackhammer( The prime rib of Proponesia apparently likes it rough)

Kids ( For the “Peterfuckers”)

Brake fluid (Adds another dimension to the effects of alcohol)

Loaves of bread and methylated spirits (To give leaders a demonstration of how poor people of the world get drunk and why alcohol should be cheaper)

Other than that, it’s basically going to be a huge party, as leaders toast to the end of the world. I’m sure Jacques Chirac will pack the Moet, George W will pack the oil, and the rest of the Motley Crue will just come to rock out with their koks out.

I wish I was there boys…

I wish I was there…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Reason enough to buy a Bentley Continental GT!

Check it HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I check my e-mail several times a day because you just won’t stop e-mailing me telling me how RAD I am! I know it though so you don’t have to keep mailing me. Don’t stop with the naked pictures though because I quite enjoy those.

Being a man of integrity I will never post those photos on my website. Nor will I reveal your name, Kerry.

Last week however, I received an e-mail unlike any other. It was quite a long one but it came from a credible source, a friend of ours, a supporter, a great writer.

I won’t post the entire thing here but Jason Mitchell sent us this and it’s beautiful. He wrote it last year and I have it on my computer. “Glorious” is a word that comes to mind.

It’s not often that I read thing that make me cry with laughter, but reading this pearler had me reaching for the bottle to calm my shaking body. It’s all got to do with a bit of the Herschel vibe and was based on Jason’s observations last year on Clifton beach. By the way the “ratbags” I was referring to are also called “hoodrats” as Jason let me know. If you know Herschel and you live in Cape Town, it may strike a familiar chord. Check this out:

“Imagine my surprise when I saw a pack of herschel hoo-rah’s whom had set up their nest just near our location…herschel girls! at the beach! i thought they didnt need tanning anymore after the infamous ‘Fake-tan-gate’ scandal of early September…which probably explains why they were huddled together looking up at the strange bright yellow thing in the sky…its called ‘the sun’ darlings…i must commend them on their efforts to come to the beach, what with such strange objects like ‘the sun’, ‘poor people’ and ‘food’ in abundance in this alien environment…well done girls! The whole fake tan thing I suppose is the next logical step…what with fake nails, fake hair and fake food (you cant eat water children), i wouldnt be surprised if personality was the next thing…’New from Mac…Personality in a Can!’

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa! And if that’s not enough, I was hit with this as well:

“…it was a pleasant sight to see all of you running around, smoking hub (oooh rebels…), using ‘luv’ and ’sweety’ and ‘like oh my god, im SO over him…’ and generally trying to act rather mature…especially Miss Cowgirl with fake Louis Vuitton bag…yes, you… i know its fake…just like your orgasms… oh snap…but i digress…”

FANTASTIC! I think it’s only this type of insight from people living in Cape Town that will truly give you the Herschel vibe. Until then, or maybe until you read this now, you would not be completely up to date on what type of people Herschel produces.

Herschel: Living the dream

It’s a unique blend of old money, snobbery, good looks, the ability to have four boyfriends at once and basically the ability to drive a Bentley around on your 18th birthday with a sticker on the back saying “F*%k the poor”

I enjoyed going onto the Herschel website though and reading the “About” section.

It starts off with the following line:

“Welcome from the Head”

Indeed that is how most guys have been welcomed to the Herschel girls ethos.

“From the Head…”

Brilliant.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Look, this does not happen at the finer establishments in Cape Town, but it does happen at some of the not-so-kosher places in Cape Town. I’m talking about that lying, conniving, blackmailing person.

The rose lady.

When you are out at a club at night you have obviously had a few drinks and sometimes your defences weaken. You show some emotion and are prey for these damn flower ladies that approach you, especially when there is a girl with you.

“Excuse me would you like to buy a rose?”

“No thanks”

“But it’s for a good cause”

“Does it make Herschel girls less snobbish?”

“No you see I work for this kids home and we are currently trying to fund re constructive surgery for little Timmy”

“Why?”

“He was walking down Long Street in the city centre and was attacked by a gaggle of silverback apes”

It’s normally at this point that you are sitting there, wanting to punch this chick in the ovaries because you know you are sitting on your last ten bucks, which is going to go to this rose scam. That means you won’t be able to get that last drink, and this frustrates the life out of you.

There are Facebook groups dedicated to these ruthless animals, with names going something like “Mumble mumble the rose ladies coming”

Rose ladies: Miserable

Because you will notice as people see the devil arriving, they start intense conversations, so when she does walk past, they can brush her off and make out as though they are discusing the Kyoto Protocol.

“Yeah bud I would totally SMASH that chick over there!  I’m SO boozed…”

Guy looks over to see the rose peddlar coming. Changes his conversation:

“Yeah well we were trying to cross reference the hedge funds on the raging end of a bull market, when the anomalies were just dissected by the NASDAQ and the FTSE lost 10 points”

Rose lady walks by, missing this crowd:

“Sick I don’t think she saw us”

I mean, honestly Basil, who on God’s green earth is going to want to buy a rose at 11pm, when they are drunk out of their minds and just trying to pull some hot chick? What the hell are you going to do with a rose, IN A CLUB?

Where do you keep it? And the clubs that these rose ladies wrangle themselves into are not exactly the most romantic places anyway. We are talking about Obz, Claremont etc and so most people there don’t give a toss about being romantic. They just want to come right and a rose is not going to work. If anything a girl is going to be embarrassed by this.

Why don’t they sell useful stuff that we can use. Sell me a hot poker that I can stick in my eye. Sell me bricks. Sell me roofies.

But please don’t ever try to sell me a rose, because I will punch you.

I don’t care that little George has no arms and legs and no eyesight. And you know why I don’t care? Because little George is a made up fairytale!

I know how you operate. You walk in, looking for the weak. You zone around, looking to bite into their necks and suck the life out of them. You give some stupid story about how Johnny was born with a penis on his head and he needs surgery to remove it and attach it to the Asian kid who was born without a penis.

I know you. You’re like a spider mixing up a web of lies.

If I wanted to be a miracle worker, I would have been Mother Theresa.

But I want to be a raging alcoholic on a Friday night and I want to get some action from some hot model.

So please…

Leave me alone.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I posted this piece last year, but as the Tour de France is starting today, here is last years piece on why the Tour de France is still great, despite heavy doping by some of the top riders:

Lance- Letting the pistons do the talking

 No matter what happens in cycling, and what doping does to the image of the sport, it is still one of the greatest sports on the planet. Here are my top reasons why the Tour de France, and cycling in general are still the greatest things on earth:

It produces real heroes

Some of the older generation will recall the days of Greg Le Mond and Eddy Merckx. But todays youth are inspired by a one Lance Armstrong. He came back from testicular cancer to win the tour a record breaking 7 times. He blew the sporting world apart with his determination, his focus and his strength. He has inspired a generation and only a bike race like the Tour de France can produce heroes on a scale like that. Lance went on to start his Livestrong foundation, which offers support to people living with cancer. It is also a great force in making government spend more money on cancer research and treatment.

Lance went on to show that the tour can be won by being clean. People still argue that he must have used drugs to produce his phenomenal performances, but as much as they still test his blood samples, nothing ever comes up. I don’t think Lance was stupid enough to have used drugs. He has way too much to lose. If his blood samples did in the future show drugs, his entire foundation would be disgraced. Lance was the one out training when no one else was. If you read his book and articles on him you will see that while boys like David Millar were out relaxing, Lance was training. Lance would weigh his food and test aerodynamic positions in the wind tunnel. He was involved in every aspect of the sport, and was fanatical about equipment. He would even sometimes use an old school gear lever mounted on the frame for mountain stages, instead of the newer ones mounted on the brake levers to save weight. He would use an unpainted bike to save a few grams. He was fanatical about this stuff. That’s how the tour is won. That is how heroes are made. I don’t think we will ever know how many people Lance has inspired, but it’s millions. In fact he has inspired an entire generation of people.

It’s for everyone

Cycling as a sport is for people of all ages. I have been to countless mountain bike races where I have seen parents riding alongside their kids and enjoying themselves immensely. I have seen people of all ages, sizes and races coming together on weekends to enjoy a cycle surrounded by like minded, healthy people. It’s a sport that unites people, makes them smile and keeps them healthy. It breaks all boundaries, and out there on the bike we are all equal.

It is also suitable for elder people, as it is low impact, and once you know how to ride a bike, you never forget. Not many people are going to be wake boarding or skiing in their sixties, but plenty of people cycle in this age group, and even in higher age groups.

It allows us to focus

Out on the bike you come to appreciate the beauty of the world we live in. You also come to appreciate what is important in life. You never hear people saying on a bike ride “I wish I had more money” or “I wish I had a better job” Out on the bike we come to enjoy the simple things so much more. We appreciate those sips of water, those views over the ocean, the mountain or wherever our bike rides take us. I have cycled through the Knysna forest in the pouring rain for The Karoo to Coast mountain bike race, into Die Hel in Oudtshoorn for the To Hell And Back mountain bike race, through Montague, over Chapmans Peak and I have experienced things you don’t normally experience. You don’t often get to walk next to someone, carrying your bike in the pouring rain in the Knysna forest, not saying anything, your legs too cold to pedal your bike, but still having the time of your life. You don’t often get to descend a hill in the pouring rain with no rain jacket with some riders coming close to hypothermia, and then reaching the bottom of the hill to find that some of the race organisers have built a bonfire to keep the riders warm(This was To Hell And Back). You go from freezing cold, to laughing around a fire with people you have never met. It’s these things that make the sport unique, and it’s about experiencing another side of life that does not come from going out and drinking and doing drugs. Cycling is real.

Not all sports are saintly

While this does not justify drug use in cycling, it is a good point nonetheless. Cycling has some of the strictest drug testing in the world. Cycling as a sport realises it has a problem, and drug testing is its way of getting rid of the guilty riders. Obviously they catch lot’s of riders doing drugs, and this makes people think that cycling is full of cheats. However, if other sports had to be as stringent with drug testing, they would no doubt also find that many of their athletes are using drugs. Cycling is not afraid to admit it has a problem. Of course they could do drug testing less regularly, and then they would not find as many riders guilty. This would make it seem like a clean sport, but all that means is that riders would be using drugs, but would just not be found guilty. This is pointless, and I would rather we have big drug busts in the press, as we then know the drug testing is working.

You still feel like you are flying

You never lose that feeling of flying when you are on your bike. Going downhill at 60km/hr with a smile on your face, not worrying about anything, feeling like a kid again and nothing else comes close to that.

It holds the worlds attention

Every year when the Tour de France comes around, you will hear even non cycling fans talking about it. It’s like a World Cup, only it’s not! Everyone speaks about the Tour de France, and many people learn about how professional cycling works by watching the Tour de France and listening to the legendary commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin. It’s a race that holds the worlds attention, a sport that captures the imagination of everyone, due to the extreme nature of the sport and the iron will of the riders.

It shows that South Africans can still do it

Robbie Hunter became the first South African to ride the tour a few years back, and in 2007 he became the first South African to win a stage in the Tour de France, riding for a South African sponsored team, Barloworld. As I always say, we don’t have a lot of South Africans in the top ranks of sports, but the ones we do have are the very best. Ernie Els in golf, Oscar Pistorius in athletics, Ryk Neethling and Roland Schoeman in swimming and Greg Minnaar in downhill mountain biking. We can do it. And we do.

It has the most beautiful podium girls!

Enough said

As much as the tour suffers all the time due to drug scandals, to me it is still the greatest race on earth. Three weeks of sheer pain, suffering and a race where careers are made and lost. The Tour de France has it all- intrigue, speculation, anger, suffering, joy, pain, ecstasy and above all it is a race that pushes the human body and the mind to the very limit. It shows the resilience of the human body and mind and inspires millions.

This is cycling

This is my sport

And damn…I love it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor