One thing I try to do in my various capacities as the editor of this battleship is to interact amongst the beautiful people of Cape Town, gathering various girls phone number, creating vast networks of contacts and basically just trying to live like a rockstar.

The other night I’m at this house party in Cape Town, chatting to the little angels, mingling, drinking champagne (Ok sparkling wine, we weren’t at that type of party) and this chick is going on about how winter dries out her skin. I didn’t quite know why she was telling me this, because I was about as interested in the conversation as I am in getting acupuncture on my balls.

By this time (I had been there for a couple of hours before her) I was fairly in the swing of things, at least a bottle down and was trying to make my breakaway from her. Make no mistake, she was extremely beautiful, but I was losing interest as more words came out of her mouth.

I was thinking of an escape plan and had planned on doing a ninja bomb. I would say I need to make a phone call, then just leave the party, and rather try again next week at some other party. Suddenly it was as if the Gods had shone a light down on me and I was blessed with this innate knowledge of what women find interesting. All the while I was thinking of this, our girl (What’s mine is yours) had still been jabbering away.

And then…”bla bla bla”…and…”this cream doesn’t work”…and…”I think the government should”…and…”why are all guys such idiots”.

There was absolutely no way a ninja bomb would work because this girl could just not close her mouth. It would have been difficult to get a word in, or even difficult to merely get a letter in.

I had to be clever, and offer something to her that she could connect on. At this point of the one sided conversation she was now going on about how dry her lips (Facial) were.

I then recalled this time where I had been using (This may or may not be true) Elizabeth Ardens eight hour cream for quite a while, because it is just great for everything. Dry washboard abs, dry manly stubble covered chiselled cheekbones and so on and so fifth.

So I said to her

“You should really try Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream ”

Eight hour cream: Fixed my skin but ruined the possible pants party

She stopped, and for a second while she was quiet I knew she was playing with the thought of leaving with me, or even just lunging for me right there.

“Oh my God, how do you know that?”

Now there comes a point in every mans life where he has gotten too clever, or too confident for himself. That point in my life came last week. I thought I could get away with the “I’m straight, but know a lot of girlie stuff” vibe. That whole metrosexual thing. But I think actually admitting to knowing about Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream was where I had reached my pinnacle. From there I definitely could have scored.

But I go and do something stupid.

“Well I actually use it myself”

“Oh…” Came her reply.

“Well not in the last couple of weeks, but I used to use it lot” I said, backtracking a tiny bit.

“Oh that’s really cool” She said, now looking at me, thinking that I was in all likelihood gay.

From there she stopped talking so much which was an absolute blessing, but she also stopped showing even the slightest bit of interest. Her coat, which was next to her, was now put over her lap, covering her crossed legs and little black dress.

And then once she had obviously, in her head, assumed I was gay, even more talk of girls stuff came out. Jeez Louise, we were onto facial cleansers, toners, epilation and all the rest of that rubbish.

I quietly took my phone out my pocket, pretended to take a call and said I would be back in 5 minutes.

I walked outside, got into the car and left alone…

The moral of the story is that every guy should know how to offer advice on really girlie things. Talk about the GHD, talk about Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream (Chicks are impressed when you know about this one, as they all know it and it’s popular)

Just don’t admit to using the cream.

Because you do want to score don’t you?

Obviously my use of eight hour cream bears some link to my use of Simply Aloe regenerating gel (90% organic aloe ferox) which is perched on my beauty shelf.

In fact I don’y even know if you are supposed to use it on your face, but the face pays the bills so it’s worth putting aloe on it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor