It’s quite funny really that I had this diagnosis when I was younger. Obviously the first thing I was diagnosed with, upon being born, was elephantitis.

On my kok.

After that however I was diagnosed bulimic, osmosic and telepathetic. Basically these all combine to give me superpowers unlike anyone else. So I can pick up the earths signals, radio waves etc and I just seem to know what is going on all the time. I’m the only person in the world who can do this. Well my sources in Cape Town tell me there is some other person as well.

I’m guessing he is Mexican though because his name is pronounced “Hay-soos” I think you spell it “Jeeeee-zuz” but he likes to scribe it “Jesus” He belongs to the Christ family. He is apparently quite wealthy because he trademarked the word “Christmas” and so everytime a shop, or magazine, or news reader mentions the word “Christmas” they pay a royalty fee on that. Apparently the Christ family are now multi millionaires and live in the Bahamas where they tend to their Mary Jane plantation.

You can see The Jesus smokes the herb because he has the most amazing “Wild man of Borneo” look to him. Long shaggy hair and a beard. I have seen some photos of him, he is off the hook! If I were The Jesus I would definitely go for the office party haircut. Short back and sides, but long and flowing at the back. So it’s work at the front, and party at the back!

Anyway I was meaning to tell you that due to my genetic capabilities, I know what is happening at the G8 Summit and here I will share my inside views.

The G8 Summit is where various world leaders go to indulge in their wildest fantasies. It’s the Motley Crue of government meetings and the name “G8″ was used, only because BMW had already taken “X5″ and Audi had taken “A8″ and “S4″

George W, Gordon Brown, Jacques Chirac and Tiny Blair

The G8 summit is affectionately referred to as “Gate” or “Great” as that is how it could possibly read. “Great” because it is a great event, and “Gate” because it is a gateway for various leaders to escape their bitchy wives and enter the gateway to hookers and crack cocaine. Coincidentally this year it is being held in Scotland, the home of the elixir of life, whisky. With the G8 summit costing around ten million pounds, that is a fair amount of sex and whisky.

Looking at the character list for this year, it seems that only males are invited, which earns itself the name of “The great(G8) kokfest” But funny enough even though there are many men going, there is only one kok attending and that is the great American hope, George “Whatthefuckyoulookingat” Bush.

Sky News have let us know that they chose Scotland because it is remote and it is easier to protect against terror attacks and assassination attempts. Personally I know this is a lie. Terrorist attacks like 9/11 are coordinated by the US government to give them reasons to invade Iraq for oil. Scotland does not seem to have much oil, so there will be no terrorist attack. And while George W does have a peanut brain, I doubt he would fund ANOTHER terrorist attack on a summit that he is attending. I mean to kill yourself is a bit much, just to quell rumours of a government planned 9/11 attack.

Leaders attending this years drug-fest are also urged to wear their brown pants. Because in between drug fuelled orgies, they are required by law to discuss Africa, global warming, oil and global food shortages.

Looking at oil, there is hardly any left. This leads to food shortages, with Africa getting drop kicked to the head by this. Global warming is just cruising along and no one can seem to stop it. They are basically going to Scotland to discuss how trashed the world is, and the revelations are apparently so shocking that some of the leaders might shit themselves, hence the brown pants to disguise their stress levels.

Scotlands distilleries are being told to triple whisky production as leaders are urged to drink 24 hours a day to ease the pain of these world revelations. George W has asked for barrels of Jack Daniels to be sent down but leaders are urging against this as the threat of Osama Bin Laden hiding in one of these barrels, then jumping out and killing George, is too high.

George W has agreed and is instead taking boxes of roofies with him, as alcohol alone is not enough to calm his deadened nerves. He is also leaving his 25 gallon drums of lube at home even though organisers allowed him to fly these over.

The organisers let him know that the young ladies he will be smashing at the summit don’t in fact need lube as their bodies are not rusted up old Cadillacs like his wifes is.

Tony Blair is arriving with his Entourage and has requested beer goggles, vicodyn and leather whips.

Gordon Brown has been flown in as well, not as a leader, but as a prostitute. Due to the large amount of mouthskis being requested, Gordon has been flown in because he is also known as “Deep Throat” (Not related to W. Mark Felt) due to his unique jaw dropping ability(HERE) which allows him to swallow a cucumber.

Other things that leaders have requested include:

A jackhammer( The prime rib of Proponesia apparently likes it rough)

Kids ( For the “Peterfuckers”)

Brake fluid (Adds another dimension to the effects of alcohol)

Loaves of bread and methylated spirits (To give leaders a demonstration of how poor people of the world get drunk and why alcohol should be cheaper)

Other than that, it’s basically going to be a huge party, as leaders toast to the end of the world. I’m sure Jacques Chirac will pack the Moet, George W will pack the oil, and the rest of the Motley Crue will just come to rock out with their koks out.

I wish I was there boys…

I wish I was there…

Sean Lloyd

Editor