Crisis, I’m like a one man wolf pack at the moment and I’m loving it!

Go hit golf balls…by myself.

Go to the beach…by myself.

Go watch the early morning movies to catch them in peace without teenagers playing with each other…by myself.

I’m like a young George Clooney.

“Excuse me miss, while I realise you want to be all over me, I must pass on this opportunity because I’m going gambling with the boys”

So I’m chillaxing on the beach two weekends ago by myself, just soaking it all up. I was there with the shades on, the usual trucker cap, my Island Tribe Sunscreen smeared all over me like sexual erotica, in and around my mouth…wow…too far there.

And I decided I was going to have a day of just listening. A day of looking is alright, if you want to tan your back (My umbrella pole gets in the way whenever hot girls walk past…how weird is that?!)

So I’m chilling there by the sea when I suddenly tune into the fine radio stations that happen to come from the mouths of the different people in Cape Town. You’ve got the white folk, the black folk, the coloured folk and…well then you have Joburg my CUZZIE!

And it is just semi-hysterical to lie on the beach and listen to all of this, and I was nearly in tears, because each group sometimes say the most hilarious things, and do the most hilarious things.

Firstly we had the coloured guys next to me smoking a hubble and wearing their pants so low that their boxer shorts were showing. But ALWAYS silky, baggy boxers, that’s how they roll! The cops were patrolling, and started asking them questions, searching their bags for weed I suppose. The cops think they are clever like that “Ooooooh a hubble…these folk must be smoking mara-joo-wana!”  As soon as the cop leaves you just hear

“Yoh, jus naai!”

“Jus my brassa, the bass never outdates! Check my kwaai cabbie, new Rockford Fosgate my bru. Ja hooked up a deal at Jamiels cousin. Jussus check that brassa’s new chrome”

Which reminds me of this coloured dude in school, who never wanted to swim in PE, he would just go “Nooooo sir, I don’t have my bather!” I mean, at a young age, I was in hysterics because of this type of language, and I’ll never forget it. I still remember my teacher, Mr Human (Rondebosch Boys Junior School), he thought this was hilarious that a costume was called a bather.

So the coloured ‘brassa’ were sitting on my right hand side.

Then there were some white chicks on my left, discussing men problems. It’s weird, because white girls just can’t get over guys. They have these huge discussions of what went wrong, and how they can’t believe he ‘already has a new girlfriend’. Man, they need to learn a thing or two from the black girls I was listening to about three weeks ago. The ones who somehow are rolling an American accent.

It’s easy to spot the white folk on a beach…just look for anything that looks like it’s walked out of a magazine. Us white people LOVE to follow trends! You see it in GQ or Cosmo…the white people will be wearing it. Wayfarers? Check! Straw hat/panama hat? Check! Sandals…well Havaianas to be precise? Check! We love the trends.  You’ll also see the white girls sitting there putting on their Dermalogica sunscreen and saying “It’s solar activated you know, so as soon as I go in the sun it starts working” Which is nothing short of bizarre, because if you’re putting on sunscreen, then SURELY it means you’re going to go in the sun. Why can’t it just activate when you put it on? We love falling for marketing tricks!

“But it’s got vitamin C” (Forgetting for a moment that vitamin c is better if you just take the tablets, and cheaper) says tart as she pops another goji berri down. “Anti-oxidants”

The white girls also love to sit on the beach, talking about all the latest skandaal. But they’ll go on and on and on…

“But I still hate seeing John with his new girlfriend…I downright refuse to go to a party where he is going to be, with that new skank girlfriend of his that he cheated on me with. I hate it that I still have feelings for him though…”

The black chicks, well they don’t care about ‘John’s’ feelings.

“Oh that mother_ _ _ _ _ _! I’m gonna rip his _ _ _ _ off! Cheating on me with that skinny ass white bitch!”

Then the black dudes are just cruising around “How Jo how’s this dood!” Do I hear correctly, is it ‘Jo’? What does it mean?

I should actually ask Gazza! But Gazza is kicking it in the UK somewhere I think. Gazza is down with all that lingo.

Gazza at 8pm…still fully clothed and still owning a name

By this time I was finding it extremely hard to keep any sort of composure. You can’t very well sit on the beach by yourself and laugh, because people then know you are listening to them and you are labeled a stalker (Ha!)

Now all of this is still funny, because whether we’re black, white or coloured we can look at the way we act and the way we do things, and we can have a laugh.

And then Joburg arrives. And bugger the whole jol up.

“Yussus cuzzie that’s a shweet Ed Hardy cap you got there hey! Bru…check my triceps. Dak CHINA! Yeah Warren put me on this stuff…nah…it’s legal hey, but only just. Bru I’m chilling at The Hat the other night with my broad and this oke scopes her, and I’m like ‘Listen bru, you checking my chick?’ F_ _ _en flexed my tri one time and this oke even said sorry…can you believe it?”

“No so bru I’m on this new stuff hey, glutamine, protein and creatine, I’m so much stronger hey. Yeah I’m gonna go on the ‘roids again hey, but my broad was complaining…you know…can’t get it up hey. And my skin was quite bad hey, had a bit of accers. And the rage as well, but it’s a small side effect to be dak hey”

And that’s the end of the story, because we have spoken about Joburg WAY too much this summer already!

But next time you’re on the beach, listen to the things people say, it’s hilarious. And leave a comment here on your favourite saying from the beach, it’s actually too much for my mind to handle!

And here are some photos of my UGLY weekend that just passed, where I hit Clifton 4th up with Gaz (The other Gaz) and Stace. Mmmmm I think we’ll do that again this naweek!

Boardies by Country Road

Good times.