You would have noticed that the world is turning back to the old school. From people buying record players, to wearing old school watches, shoes and Ray Ban Wayfarers, we are going back to the days of old.

Remember the days when you were a kid and used to own all that lumo clothing?

Well it’s baaaaaaaaack!

You may have noticed lumo shirts being sported around town this summer and the surf brands have kicked it off. I went to Quiksilver on Saturday in Canal Walk to grab myself some new shirts to add to the funky summer vibe that is being kicked around Cape Town.

Check it:

Rad!

Quiksilver are selling them at R169, and they are called “Fluoro”

It’s so sick!

Oh and that is “Quiksilver” not “Quiktits” or “Quikcock”

I can see how easily some of you might mistake that. But I’m here to correct you before you make those mistakes.

All the good surf stores and surf brands are stocking the luminous shirts this summer, and I suggest you go grab a few. It makes me feel young again!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So what happened last week was that a couple of engineers who work on Rolls Royce engines for planes were down in Cape Town. You know planes don’t you? Those big things in the sky that carry people. Yes they land at the Republic International Airport of Cape Town. That’s the one. So I missioned off with these guys last week on a little boat cruise to Clifton just to scope the scene out and survey my territory.

“Ahhhh yes, that’s all mine” I said, hand on forehead, looking over Cape Town from the boat.

We decided on the ever popular Tigger 2 charter, and unfortunately on that particular day the more luxurious Tigger 2 Royale was already booked. We’ll have to try that another time in the summer.

So the day kicked off with me waking up and thinking “You know Sean, if I were a chick, I’d totally do you” A quick spritz with some Hugo Boss had me smelling like teenage desire, and a quick little style of the hair had me looking like some sort of male model. Without the billboard face and chiselled abs.

The Tigger 2 is one my favourite choices in charters and I’m quite alarmed that I haven’t written on it before. So I arrived at my departure point, which is just near Quay Four for you Cape Town regulars. Yeah, there by Alba. Our host on the boat, Juan, probably has the best job in Cape Town. When I asked him what he does, he said he is the host for all the boat trips.

Obviously thinking he can’t possibly live so excessively ALL the time, I asked what else he does, you know, like in winter.

“I do this all year” He casually replied. So Juan basically chills on the Tigger ALL year, shmoozing with guests, making chicks laugh, pouring drinks and socialising. I bet you wish you weren’t in an office! Imagine having, like, an all year round tan, being able to wear Sebago Docksides to work, and generally laughing at the people on the production line in offices. Well Juan does this every day!

“Chicks dig it” I crooned, lifting my champagne glass to the mighty Atlantic.

The cruise got off and we all marvelled at the power of the ocean.

Imagine how many drugs get transported across the ocean? Imagine how many people park their yachts off of Clifton, have sex all day and laugh at the poor people of the world? Imagine how much money is lying in the ocean?

Drugs? Slaves?

It was just too much for words and I couldn’t take the deck anymore. I decided to have a word with the skipper.

“Skip, you mind if I drive?”

“Are you qualified?” He said.

“No, but dude, I’m way too drunk to walk, I need to drive”

“Oh shit son!” He said “You’re Sean from SLXS, right?”

“Indeed” I said, cool as ice.

“Ah go ahead, drive all you want. In fact, here is my wallet and the keys to my house. What’s mine is yours, Sean. You are TOO cool. Seriously, how many chicks must throw themselves at you every day?”

“Well I’ve only really hooked up with 3000 chicks this year you know”

“Liar! It must be much more!”

“I know, it is! It’s so mental, chicks just can’t get enough of me. I mean, I am quite devilishly handsome. I have no personality but my looks make up for it, not to mention my massive cock!”

Ok all that stuff was a lie, but imagine if it was true, how mental would it be?! I did get a stint behind the wheel though.

“Starboard, starboard, this is SLXS rider requesting a drunken fly by”

“Negative SLXS, the pattern is full”

“Cock toboggan Starboard”

“Repeat, SLXS Rider”

“Oh nothing cock balls”

It was so mad, like we were in Top Gun! Obviously a fly by here would be replaced by a sail by.

–You know you look at yourself and you are fine, the next thing you know 2 days have gone by where you haven’t seen anybody, the two bottles of whiskey are empty and you haven’t eaten a thing–

Don’t worry about that, I’m fine.

The day we chose was a little bit windy but I quite enjoyed it. Nothing like the wind blowing on your freshly shaved balls and some sun on your face to cheer you up. A happy ending at Clifton would be great, but we can’t have everything can we? Unless you’re me, then you can organise most things. Like chilling with Rolls Royce engineers.

Looking at Clifton from the Tigger 2 

Not stressed at all 

All the cleverness got a bit much for me though on the deck, what with so many clever people around me. I decided to head back to a place close to my heart, kidneys and liver.

Let’s go to the baaaaaaaaaaaa!

I shimmied my way down from the lounge area on the Tigger 2, past the vomiting sea sick guy in the bathroom and straight into the bar.

Well craft me a dream with angels, there was absolutely no one in the bar! I’m serious, these Rolls guys had no idea. While they were busy marveling at crap like Table Mountain and that stupid “2010 World Cup Stadium”, I was getting right to the centre of the fun brigade.

2010 World Cup Stadium — Coming along nicely 

“Who’s paying for the drinks today?”

“Um…the clients sir”

“Rolls Royce?”

“I believe so sir”

“Gimme a bottle of scotch, make it snappy”

In a happy place 

YES! There I was chilling with a glass of bubbly, a bottle of Jannie Stapper and nothing but myself. I’m used to living the life of solitude as a celebrated writer, playwright, chicks dig it kind of guy. So I was right at home at the bar while everyone enjoyed the salty air and the ridiculous views.

Honestly I don’t see what the big deal about Cape Town is.

Wouldn’t you rather be living in London?

I think with a sunset like this, I would much rather be in the UK. Because look how kak it is!

Average 

I know…pathetic Cape Town. Can’t we put on a better sunset?

The boat trip seemed to be all over in a moment as I spent some solitary time at the bar, away from the hustle and bustle of people looking marveling at how RAD Cape Town is. I already know it’s rad. We landed back at our arrival point, got off the boat and I was welcomed by applause as I made it back alive. If I had fallen overboard, Cape Town would have fallen apart. It can’t do without me.

Arriving back at the V&A Waterfront, Cape Town

Kak 

I slipped Juan a R500 tip and asked if he could empty the contents of the bar into my car.

“Sean I can’t do that!”

“Um…ok…um…why not?”

“That’s stealing”

“You’re stealing” I shouted, stripped off my clothes and ran naked into the sunset shouting “Cock toboggan! Toboggan shmishmortion!”, the whole of Cape Town seeing my bronzed body and massive shlong falling free. Like life should be…free…

It’s a pleasure Cape Town, it’s a pleasure.

(”Thanks to everyone involved including our great host Juan and the crew on the Tigger 2. The Tigger 2 and Tigger 2 Royale depart from the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town and offer cruises along the Atlantic seaboard in fine style. Drinks, snacks…anything can be organised for any occasion from booze cruises with mates, to weddings, functions and much more. The cruises can cater for up to 50 people and a cruise on the Tigger is one of the greatest ways to see Cape Town from a completely different angle. There is a TV and DVD player inside so if you want, you can jam out a Rod Stewart concert all the while cruising along Cape Town’s coast. This might actually give you a bone, I won’t lie. Click here to get to the Tigger 2 website and make your booking for this Cape Town summer. Highly recommended and personally approved by myself to help you live a life of complete excess, SLXS style” — Sean)

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I must be quite honest here because I’d never lie to you. Unless I was cheating on you and also writing for another website in addition to SLXS, then I would lie. I know you only want me to write for YOU, you are quite possessive over this relationship! To be honest I have written for other websites, but I only banged the secretaries of those websites, so it doesn’t count.

What the hell am I saying? I’m sorry, but this Cafe Culture is just so good!

So I have been meaning to tell you guys (Yeah this is a guys article) about my favourite t-shirt in the whole wide world. It’s a widely known fact in Cape Town that I pretty much exclusively wear white t-shirts all year round. Some people think I am dirty because I appear (You like that word? Feel free to use it, I just came up with it now) to wear the same t-shirt every day. In all honesty, all I own is white t-shirts. I’ve tried black, but it just doesn’t suit me as well.

The reason I wear white t-shirts every day is that I never have to choose a shirt, I just thrown on white and it goes with anything. I know it may seem boring, but white t-shirts are classics. James Dean wore it and everyone who is cool wears a white t-shirt. Like me! Cough…cough…splutter…

I stumbled into Woolworths a few months ago, drunk out of my mind looking for a roast chicken and I happened to spot, in the corner of my peripheral field (Shit I’m a good writer), a whole HOST (No, I’m an amazing writer) of white t-shirts, with a price tag of a mere R50. I thought this must surely be a joke, because on further inspection the t-shirts were made of 100% Organic Cotton.

I always thought organic was more expensive, but these weren’t, they weren’t! Anyway, I only weigh 70kg’s (But I’m ripped like a bee-atch) so I take the small and it fits…like a glove!

Anyway a white t-shirt paired with jeans and boots always makes you look like a rockstar and chicks dig rockstars.

Even more astonishing is the fact that it’s organic cotton so you get the rockstar vibe without killing the planet. Chicks dig guys who can save the planet but still give them a good rogering in the back seat of the limo on the way home.

What? Nothing to see here.

But seriously, according to this link, in India, home to over one third of the worlds cotton farmers, cotton accounts for 54% of all pesticides used annually despite occupying just 5% of land under crops.

So going organic makes sense!

The Woolworths organic cotton t-shirts are available in a whole host of colours, but white is the colour to go for.

So I went out and bought one or two white t-shirts. Because when you can find a t-shirt that fits you properly, just buy loads of them, you never know when a good fitting t-shirt will come around again.

I think the price is about R60 now, but it’s still very cheap. I’ve been wearing the Woolworths organic cotton t-shirts for a few months now and they haven’t shrunk or lost their shape at all.

Crisis I’m hungover this morning 

It’s also the perfect length, as I normally find t-shirts to be way to long.

Another top quality product from Woolworths!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I looked outside today and was reminded that we are in THE best city in the world! The weather today is the weather we want to eat. We want it inside us forever. But you can’t just head out into summer without the right kit, and so for now I’m going to give you the bare essentials. Later on we will get into the more luxuruious things you need, but for now you are looking at survival. Let me show you what I’m sporting in Cape Town for this summer.

Sunscreen. Look, you would be a total fool to head out into the sun wearing no sunscreen. Below this level of foolishness is using a below par sunscreen that is loaded with grease such as some of the rubbish like Everysun Aquasport. Hot chicks do every so often go for that slicked back, greasy haired Italian look but for the most part Cape Town girls like a clean cut guy, with a nice tan (Not too dark, let’s stay away from cooking oil…Fabio)

The only sunscreen choice this summer in Cape Town

My personal choice since last summer has been the Aloe Up range because it is the best. And also some of the most expensive. I came across this range when I was hanging with this film crew, and they had bought this stuff overseas. I didn’t realise it was stocked in Cape Town until I went into a surf store here and found it. At R145 (Well last summer it was) for 120 ml’s it’s expensive. It’s not as expensive as cocaine, but cocaine is hectically expensive. Probably around 300 times more expensive than this sunscreen per gram.

On a rough guesstimate. You know…thinking you are paying around R300 a gram. You know…so I hear…via the grapevine. Aloe Up contains 35% aloe gel and is free from alcohol, mineral oil, PABA and is also fragrance free. The best thing about Aloe Up sunscreen is that it’s a dry lotion so you don’t end up looking like a shady drug dealer by mid afternoon. Although it is dry, it is still sweat resistant and waterproof. And the novelty of smearing cream that costs more that R1 per 1ml on your skin is a novelty that doesn’t seem to wear off. It’s just a disgusting display of wealth when you can do this. Not that disgusting displays of wealth are cool, but sometimes it’s fun. Like when we drink whisky that is R800 a bottle. It’s just fun.

Deodorant. I’m quite fortunate that I naturally smell of Gucci and Hugo Boss but for those of you…no I actually don’t naturally smell of that. I’ve always noticed that no matter what you look like, there is nothing quite like being clean and smelling fresh. It’s the least you can do for yourself. Other than following a healthy diet and drinking 2 litres of water a day (Fatty), you should use a good deodorant. Now we have spoken about this before and I’m sad to report back that none of my friends believe me when I tell them about the best deodorant in the world.

They are still using deodorants packed with all sorts of rubbish, including aluminium (Aluminum to the yanks) And they are using anti-perspirants which block your pores which is NOT ideal. Your body sweats and releases toxins and all sorts of things because it is cleaning itself. But here you are plugging your pores, poisoning yourself, FOOL! I pity the fool! (Just made that line up right now…go ahead…don’t be shy…you can use it if you want)

That’s like not visiting the bathroom the entire day. I’m not a doctor or a sweat scientist but I can deduce that this is not ideal.

What you seriously need is a deodorant that will be called “Spray Mist” or “Crystal Mist” I have been buying the Dis Chem name brand Spray Mist. But I went to buy some more last week and they were out of stock of both the spray and the stick. Which means it must be fairly popular and people must be listening to me and it must be a good product. So then I went to the health store in Cavendish Square and asked if they had something similar. And they did! They did! Victory!

It’s called ROK Deodorant Crystal Mist and cost me R55 for 240 ml’s. Now here is where we need to listen, because I want you to be healthy. This deodorant is made up of mineral salts and purified water. That’s it. There is no alumimium, no alcohol and it says it will kill odour causing bacteria. It’s also unscented and non staining.

This is what impresses me. All my old white t-shirts have yellow stains under the arms (Nice) because of the deodorants I was using. For about the past two years I have been using this crystal mist deodorant and my white shirts (Really the only ones I wear) are Omo white! Yes! That’s what we want! YES YES!

I can also confidently claim that I don’t smell like I have been working in a drain all day. Seriously, when I was using regular deodorants, I would not smell fresh at the end of the day. And for some reason, I would use antiperspirants, but I would sweat more than ever. Now obviously everyone sweats, it’s natural. But now I smell good. And so should you! Seriously this is one deodorant worth buying. Don’t give up on it after one day of use though. Use it for a few weeks. It’s the only thing I use.

Obviously after a chilled day at the beach you need to put some moisture back into that tanned hide of yours. Guys…for the face I have found the answer. You know how you get out of the shower, throw a regular moisturiser on and it feels hot and sticky? Enter Green People’s Cool Down Moisturiser for after shaving/sports/sun. Made with organic ingredients and including mint, calendula and aloe vera into the mix, it is THE moisturiser to use after maxing the chillaxing in the sun. It really cools your skin down after some sun time and it also a great after shave cream. It’s what I use and it’s highly recommended. Buy it over HERE at Faithful to Nature or at Wellness Warehouse.

Hemporium, Hemptons, Green People — All over you

For a body moisturiser, you can look at Hemporiums Moisturising Hemp Body Lotion as it’s quite light and easily absorbed. Made with hemp seed oil, vanilla and lavendar essential oils, it takes very good care of your skin. It also has a very natural fragrance, great for those hot days where you don’t want to be smelling like a perfume factory. Actually you never want to smell like that. Unless you’re a Joburg kugel who likes to spray herself with stuff that smells like Toilet Duck. Buy the Hemporium moisturiser over HERE.

A richer lotion is Hemptons Soft Body Butter for normal to dry skin. It is made form hemp, olive oil and a rooibos extract. VERY well priced, it is a must and is also very natural smelling which is great. How do you think my skin is so smooth? Dove soap? Ha ha ha ha ha! At R60 for 300ml’s it’s something you have to have. Buy it HERE.

I’m getting bored of the Gucci’s, need to find something new

Sunglasses. I’m still kicking it with the Gucci’s, but anything will do as long as they are not bought at the side of the road and have all the necessary UV protection. Obviously look for glasses that have a snug fit and possibly even rubber nose and temple grips if you are going to be partaking in some beach action that has you bouncing around. Not sex on the beach, but rugby or something similar.

You can stay with the trends on sunglasses or if you want functional sunglasses, Oakley make the best glasses for sport so you can check them out over HERE. Oakley’s have long been my choice for mountain biking, along with Dragon Rake riding glasses.

So those are the basic essentials for some beach time in Cape Town and we will get onto the more luxurious things such as champagne, yachts and all that in another post.

Sean Lloyd

Editor