So look, I don’t like talking about things the human body does. It must just all work. However, women do get their periods. Just writing that word, which could actually mean a class period at school, gives me shivers. Why a period has to happen is beyond me. But it’s cool, just pretend it isn’t real and it’s not real, right?

Walk straight past the tampon aisle. Don’t look. You’ve now walked further and are now looking at toothpaste and baby powder. You didn’t look at the tampons, right? Good, because that means they don’t exist.

But there’s a very real problem, the problem of eco warriors and hippies, and saving this tender planet. Look I’m all for saving the planet where I can and I recycle stuff. I’m cool like that. What I’m not cool with is filling a cup with blood from your vagina, and then sticking the cup back up there.

WHAT?!

What on earth have I just SAID?! (As I grab myself by the neck, beads of sweat running down my chiselled cheeks, threatening to kill myself)

I’m talking about this:

What is it? A tampon replacement, that you empty out and reuse. I can’t bring my fragile, whiskey fuelled mind to write about it, so I’m just going to post some illustrations from the website:

Looking at that made my penis invert. It is now a vagina.

Look, you put that inside you if you want.

I’m going to go put these inside me:

Via my mouth.

That’ll do pig, that’ll do.