Look, no girls really like a moustache on a guy. They certainly aren’t that keen on a good old 69 when it feels like a walrus is going down on them. But you’re growing a Mo for Movember, so may have the odd sexless night (Or month) with your other half. If you’re going to be slumming it on the couch with the old Cosmo Lingerie edition, you might as well have the right tools at hand. Check it:

Stroke 29

This is the cheapest, best option for protecting your manlihood from those calloused hands of yours! What is it about? Check it:

Stroke 29® premium masturbation cream, is designed to take masturbation to a whole new level. Unlike silicone and water-based lubricants, this thick, non-greasy formula provides more than just wet slipperiness. After years of research, our team has developed a lubricant that gets better the longer you use it. As the cream heats up from the repetitive stroking of masturbation, the product texture transforms at or around the 29th stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. With the combination of heat and friction, a guy might actually forget he’s using his own hand. Stroke 29 provides a glide unlike any other masturbation cream available. The product’s viscosity stays intact and doesn’t break down during its transformation, so there is no need to re-apply.

Click here to buy Stroke 29, safely, securely and discreetly from Mantality.co.za

Yeah, let’s not lie, we all want to try that our right now! Well I mean, obviously not me…I speak in generalities

Now if you’re a bit more well heeled in the money department, why not just buy an artificial vagina? Sure, it would be weird buying it in a store. But with Mantality.co.za’s completely discreet packaging and delivery, you’re the only one who will know! You can even get ones molded on an actual porn star! For instance, here we have the Tegan Presley Fleshlight:

Fleshlight and Skinworxxx Pictures are delighted to offer the Lotus-textured Teagan Presley Fleshlight. Cast from the same body that graced the cover of Penthouse Magazine as January 2009 Pet of the Month, each masturbation sleeve is built to thrill… just like Ms. Teagan. A unique Pearlescent Fleshlight Case, an autographed postcard from Teagan and a free 2 ounce bottle of Gun Oil H2O (water-based personal lubricant) are also included in your order. Hey sexy, I’m Teagan… You may have seen me before, but I know you’ve never gotten to experience me like this! My Fleshlight looks exactly like my real pussy, and its sooo soft! When I first felt it, I couldn’t stop touching it . The Lotus texture inside feels amazing too… when my pussy is warm and slippery, I swear you can’t tell the difference. I shot some realllly hot videos for the Member’s Lounge too, so hurry up and let me rock your world!

And that’s it really, you’ll need a helping hand this Movember, and I’m here to give it to you!

Wait…shit…that came out wrong. I mean, I’m here to guide you in the right direction.