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0 Comments Woolworths help you beat the recession and make you fat

Article written by the brilliant Sean Lloyd on the 27 Aug 2009

I don’t approve of this at all!

Woolworths have released a chocolate called “Credit Crunch”


OMG! *Sean puts hand to mouth*

My readers cannot picture this. Ok, I’ll guide you along:


I sense a Smarties article vibe coming along.


With this credit crunch chocolate, we’re in for a nightmare. All the people struggling with money are going to think “Ah great something for me!” They’re going to pop it in their basket and unwittingly pop it…right on their hips!

Remember all my cocaine snorting/champagne abusing darlings, a moment on the lips equals a lifetime on the hips. Obviously not in the other sense of on the lips…naughty!

“Oooooh Sean you silly Billy!” I hear you say.

“No you’re naw-tee you silly Sally!” I say.

We get into a pillow fight. The pillow breaks. Feathers fly everywhere. I smear wood glue on you. You turn into a chicken. I accidentally think you’re Nandos.

“Oh I’m eating out tonight!” I say.

For once, as a chicken, you don’t need to lay eggs. You get laid.

You’ll scream as my massive member flies around the room. You’ll get a fright and squeal. I’ll get a fright from your squeal and make a rapid movement. I’ll accidentally push you. You’ll fall out the window into a rose bush. Things will be awkward.

Good Lord!

Did I even write that? Did the computer write that for me? We’ll never know. But we’ll always have the pillow fight.

Wait…Now that you’re out of the window, I’ll have nothing to snuggle with. I’ll take to sucking my thumb, which I haven’t done since I was eighteen. You won’t be able to picture this. I’ll give you a picture:


This chocolate has dire consequences for Cape Town kind. Suddenly, I’m going to see a rather portly (You like that? Feel free to use that word) chick, and I may mention that she needs a salad, or nothing at all, and she’ll simply shrug and go:

“I’m not fat, I’m beating the recession!”

“Looks like any profit being made in this recession, is being eaten by you!” My fictional character will say.

For Woolworths, this chocolate is a great tool at selling more chocolates, but for vain, superficial, shallow, money hungry people like me, it spells disaster. Well maybe not, because if you need a credit crunch chocolate, I probably won’t notice you at all. Not to mention the fact I don’t look at girls who eat carbs. What? I haven’t had a carb since Grade 8!

Look, I can’t help it that my genes are attracted to the heroin chic look.

If you want to blame anyone for my attitude, blame God. He came up with genetics and stuff like that. Point fingers at him.  And you know what they say about pointing a finger at someone? Three fingers pointing back at you. Yeah, so there!

Don’t try trick me, I’ll double trick you back

(On a side, to any writers/bloggers out there. Do you ever write something so awesome, that you get aroused and just want everyone to have you and touch you? I’ve just done that. Thursday baby!)

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