So what happened last week was that a couple of engineers who work on Rolls Royce engines for planes were down in Cape Town. You know planes don’t you? Those big things in the sky that carry people. Yes they land at the Republic International Airport of Cape Town. That’s the one. So I missioned off with these guys last week on a little boat cruise to Clifton just to scope the scene out and survey my territory.
“Ahhhh yes, that’s all mine” I said, hand on forehead, looking over Cape Town from the boat.
We decided on the ever popular Tigger 2 charter, and unfortunately on that particular day the more luxurious Tigger 2 Royale was already booked. We’ll have to try that another time in the summer.
So the day kicked off with me waking up and thinking “You know Sean, if I were a chick, I’d totally do you” A quick spritz with some Hugo Boss had me smelling like teenage desire, and a quick little style of the hair had me looking like some sort of male model. Without the billboard face and chiselled abs.
The Tigger 2 is one my favourite choices in charters and I’m quite alarmed that I haven’t written on it before. So I arrived at my departure point, which is just near Quay Four for you Cape Town regulars. Yeah, there by Alba. Our host on the boat, Juan, probably has the best job in Cape Town. When I asked him what he does, he said he is the host for all the boat trips.
Obviously thinking he can’t possibly live so excessively ALL the time, I asked what else he does, you know, like in winter.
“I do this all year” He casually replied. So Juan basically chills on the Tigger ALL year, shmoozing with guests, making chicks laugh, pouring drinks and socialising. I bet you wish you weren’t in an office! Imagine having, like, an all year round tan, being able to wear Sebago Docksides to work, and generally laughing at the people on the production line in offices. Well Juan does this every day!
“Chicks dig it” I crooned, lifting my champagne glass to the mighty Atlantic.
The cruise got off and we all marvelled at the power of the ocean.
Imagine how many drugs get transported across the ocean? Imagine how many people park their yachts off of Clifton, have sex all day and laugh at the poor people of the world? Imagine how much money is lying in the ocean?
Drugs? Slaves?
It was just too much for words and I couldn’t take the deck anymore. I decided to have a word with the skipper.
“Skip, you mind if I drive?”
“Are you qualified?” He said.
“No, but dude, I’m way too drunk to walk, I need to drive”
“Oh shit son!” He said “You’re Sean from SLXS, right?”
“Indeed” I said, cool as ice.
“Ah go ahead, drive all you want. In fact, here is my wallet and the keys to my house. What’s mine is yours, Sean. You are TOO cool. Seriously, how many chicks must throw themselves at you every day?”
“Well I’ve only really hooked up with 3000 chicks this year you know”
“Liar! It must be much more!”
“I know, it is! It’s so mental, chicks just can’t get enough of me. I mean, I am quite devilishly handsome. I have no personality but my looks make up for it, not to mention my massive cock!”
Ok all that stuff was a lie, but imagine if it was true, how mental would it be?! I did get a stint behind the wheel though.
“Starboard, starboard, this is SLXS rider requesting a drunken fly by”
“Negative SLXS, the pattern is full”
“Cock toboggan Starboard”
“Repeat, SLXS Rider”
“Oh nothing cock balls”
It was so mad, like we were in Top Gun! Obviously a fly by here would be replaced by a sail by.
–You know you look at yourself and you are fine, the next thing you know 2 days have gone by where you haven’t seen anybody, the two bottles of whiskey are empty and you haven’t eaten a thing–
Don’t worry about that, I’m fine.
The day we chose was a little bit windy but I quite enjoyed it. Nothing like the wind blowing on your freshly shaved balls and some sun on your face to cheer you up. A happy ending at Clifton would be great, but we can’t have everything can we? Unless you’re me, then you can organise most things. Like chilling with Rolls Royce engineers.
Looking at Clifton from the Tigger 2
Not stressed at all
All the cleverness got a bit much for me though on the deck, what with so many clever people around me. I decided to head back to a place close to my heart, kidneys and liver.
Let’s go to the baaaaaaaaaaaa!
I shimmied my way down from the lounge area on the Tigger 2, past the vomiting sea sick guy in the bathroom and straight into the bar.
Well craft me a dream with angels, there was absolutely no one in the bar! I’m serious, these Rolls guys had no idea. While they were busy marveling at crap like Table Mountain and that stupid “2010 World Cup Stadium”, I was getting right to the centre of the fun brigade.
2010 World Cup Stadium — Coming along nicely
“Who’s paying for the drinks today?”
“Um…the clients sir”
“Rolls Royce?”
“I believe so sir”
“Gimme a bottle of scotch, make it snappy”
In a happy place
YES! There I was chilling with a glass of bubbly, a bottle of Jannie Stapper and nothing but myself. I’m used to living the life of solitude as a celebrated writer, playwright, chicks dig it kind of guy. So I was right at home at the bar while everyone enjoyed the salty air and the ridiculous views.
Honestly I don’t see what the big deal about Cape Town is.
Wouldn’t you rather be living in London?
I think with a sunset like this, I would much rather be in the UK. Because look how kak it is!
Average
I know…pathetic Cape Town. Can’t we put on a better sunset?
The boat trip seemed to be all over in a moment as I spent some solitary time at the bar, away from the hustle and bustle of people looking marveling at how RAD Cape Town is. I already know it’s rad. We landed back at our arrival point, got off the boat and I was welcomed by applause as I made it back alive. If I had fallen overboard, Cape Town would have fallen apart. It can’t do without me.
Arriving back at the V&A Waterfront, Cape Town
Kak
I slipped Juan a R500 tip and asked if he could empty the contents of the bar into my car.
“Sean I can’t do that!”
“Um…ok…um…why not?”
“That’s stealing”
“You’re stealing” I shouted, stripped off my clothes and ran naked into the sunset shouting “Cock toboggan! Toboggan shmishmortion!”, the whole of Cape Town seeing my bronzed body and massive shlong falling free. Like life should be…free…
It’s a pleasure Cape Town, it’s a pleasure.
(”Thanks to everyone involved including our great host Juan and the crew on the Tigger 2. The Tigger 2 and Tigger 2 Royale depart from the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town and offer cruises along the Atlantic seaboard in fine style. Drinks, snacks…anything can be organised for any occasion from booze cruises with mates, to weddings, functions and much more. The cruises can cater for up to 50 people and a cruise on the Tigger is one of the greatest ways to see Cape Town from a completely different angle. There is a TV and DVD player inside so if you want, you can jam out a Rod Stewart concert all the while cruising along Cape Town’s coast. This might actually give you a bone, I won’t lie. Click here to get to the Tigger 2 website and make your booking for this Cape Town summer. Highly recommended and personally approved by myself to help you live a life of complete excess, SLXS style” — Sean)
Sean Lloyd
Editor
