I’m not going to go out and say that I don’t enjoy a bit of celebrity gossip because I’m a celebrity gossip whore! I know everything, who’s dating who, who dated who…I read all the gossip blogs. And while I follow them because most of my day is spent doing fairly uneventful things interspersed with bouts of insanity, I don’t really feel the need to get too deep into their lives. I read news on Robert Pattinson to try and figure out why women like him so much. I read news on Kristen Stewart just to find out the things she likes, because one day I will hook up with her.

My celebrity obsession is mostly used to gather information on celebrities that I’m no doubt going to hook up with. But for these crazy chicks who sms Heat magazine, there must be something seriously wrong with their lives. It’s all very well looking at celebrity photos, but to read something and actually feel the need to send an sms to a magazine is nothing short of SAD! I was reading a fairly new issue of Heat magazine (Don’t ask how I got it) and took a photo of the sms’s sent to Heat:

Honestly, who are these chicks? And the super psychos are the ones who send messages under “Anonymous”

Enjoy the one anonymous message:

“Don’t take it out on Robert, guys, he’s really great and has a good heart! Kristen just has to stop with her nonsense and go back to him…”

Do you enjoy it how anonymous actually knows Robert? Like, yeah cool Rob, high fives! We used to hang out back in the day, I was always going for coffee with him. NOT!

OH MY GOD! You can picture these chicks as the ones sitting at home alone, with their cat in their apartment drinking red wine and stalking guys on Facebook. They’ll be in their pyjamas, and once a week they’ll go out on the town to try pick their next victim. Those librarian types, but not the naughty librarian types. The manic crazy ones. You’ll sleep with them and afterwards they’ll go on to tell you about how they feel Jesus was watching over you two while you were making ‘love’, and it felt so pure. This is a cue to get your visa ready, and get the hell out of the country! And I’m not joking, these chicks exist all too often in Cape Town. They’ll kill you.

And the only reason you haven’t heard about these chicks? Because all the guys they have slept with are dead!

These are surely the girls you want to stay away from. At least if you want to wake up in the morning after a fight with your penis intact. They’re the psychos who cannot fathom that if you break up with them, that you will sleep with another girl. They want you to themselves forever, and will cut your boy off to make sure of this.

These are the exact same chicks that go away for a weekend and then check on your Facebook profile. The mere mention of you going out at night has them phoning you and going absolutely mental asking “Were you drunk? Who were you with? What time did you get home?” Trust me guys, as much as you love a girl, if your girlfriend does this sort of thing she is nothing short of a psycho and she will chop your chap off one day. You need to get to grips with this and get out know before your chicks goes off her tits.

Look, the sex now might be good, but you have to come to terms with the fact that one day she will murder you for kissing an old school girlfriend on the cheek. Is this really the way you want to die?

If you answered yes, then well done, you’re also a psycho!

The general idea here is, it’s cool for your girlfriend to read Heat. But if you see that she is sms’ing a magazine, then I’m afraid it’s best to get out. It’s hard cutting the cords now I’m sure, but imagine how much harder it will be when she shears your shaft off?

Yeah, deal with that!