A machete really is a great addition to any household, and I was kicking it to a clinically insane level with Skateboard J the other day at Sportsmans Warehouse there by the Blue Route.

I feel it necessary to say “there by” when talking about the Blue Route.

So Skateobard saw this machete and knew immediately that it would be useful in our everday quest to live the wickedest most sick lives in the universe. It’s just handy to have something on you that scares beggers away and also doubles up as a household tool.

I think it’s also great for the up and coming killer. It feels like just the other day that I killed seventy three people with a butter knife. I just think it would have been easier had I owned a machete at the time.

I really believe this tool could help you, and we have just demonstrated two uses here, but it comes with a multitude of uses. At R100 at Sportsmans Warehouse, it’s almost criminal to not buy one.

How crazy is that?! Mentioning the word “criminal” while talking about a tool that you will no doubt use in a crime. SO weird! Check check check it:

Shaving:

Shaving the beard I don’t have. Come on, give me a break…I just get first hair on ball!

In a day of eco friendliness, you don’t want to be using anything disposable. You want somethying that will last forever. It will obviously reduce your carbon footprint, but remember if you are using this machete for otherwise reasons, don’t leave any sort of footprint. Horatio Caine will fuck your shit up.

Cutting the cheese:

We eat the Glad Wrap

SO lightweight and sharp, it probably cuts cheese as easily as it cuts bodies.

There are literally 1001 uses for a machete, so go get one.

Wait it was too funny, when we bought the machete we went back into Skateboards apartment, and I had just bought some rubber exercise bands, and they were hanging around my neck. So we get into the elevator and some old duck had held the door open for us. Now we are going into an apartment, and there is absolutely no need for a machete.

So two guys get into a lift, one with rubber bands, no doubt looking like they are going to strangle someone. And Skateboard is holding a machete. This old birds eyes scan me, then the machete and she goes silent.

I whisper to Skteboard, but so the old bird can hear:

“I hope that bitch didn’t escape”

PING!

The elevator door opened and we walked out, leaving an old chick to ponder over the carnage that she no doubt thought was going to unfold. Ha ha it was soooooooooo funny, you should have seen her face!

Mean…but priceless and funny!

Sean Lloyd

Editor