I was kicking it to an insane level of maximumness with my apprentice Skateboard J the other day and we had decided, that to keep the prying lenses of the paparazzi out of his apartment, we would need to install a bamboo blind in the bathroom.

For when we’re boning supermodels.

In the ass.

I apologise, that was uncalled for.

So while I opened the beers, Skateboard J decided to start unpacking the blind. I tried to fake being busy so as to avoid doing any work at all, until I heard a wild scream and Skateboard J had fallen into the bath.

Anyway, it turns out he needed my help, but I couldn’t help but piss my pants when he asked me for the screws. It reminded me of those stupid signs on coffee that say “hot” so the yanks don’t sue them. I’m pretty sure what I stumbled upon on Saturday was the doing of some insane American lawsuit, now brought into South Africa by cheap, slave labour, $1 a day, cut your hands off if you don’t  make 1000 blinds a day sort of workmanship.

If that makes sense to you, well done, you must also be high as shit.

And driving.

So I basically see this packet of screws (And if you young lady don’t stop giving me those saucy looks, we will be doing something using that word as well) and start laughing, but in a manic crying fashion. The neighbours must have thought I was doing a Britney Spears as I was spitting me beers right out of my nostrils.

Don’t dwell on this too long, it’s the number one cause of psychoticness in the world, it’s just so much to deal with.

You think global warming is bad, then you find out about Jacob Zuma. You think he is bad then you find out that you have been shagging your sister for the past two years and your child looks like he has been born in The Lord Of The Rings because it’s inbred to shit. You think that’s bad, and then you find this packet of screws:

And this is not a joke. Put my hand on my cock and hope for it to be cut off, I’m not lying here.

I can see how easily this can be confused. You go out for a few drinks with this chick you have been dying to score for ages and you realise that after giving her the regular six drinks, four eyedrops and one roofie, she is not getting any nearer to your cock.

You lay on the charm, she looks at you, you think shit damn balls I might as well just absolutely legless and chunder if I’m not even going to get a kiss much less a handski or a ZJ. You order six Jagerbombs, seventeen whiskies and a plate of chips. You try your best to kill yourself by finishing this in 11 minutes, but as soon as it’s all down it comes straight back up. You’re chundering like a machine, spitting, swearing…taking yourkok out and flashing it at any female nearby.

You catch a ride home, chunder more, walk into your apartment. You’re so hungry but that skank your housemate has been dating has eaten all the pizza when in fact she should be eating the lettuce and living on a diet of Phedra Cut, coffee and being strapped to a treadmill.

Your last resort at eating something presents itself neatly wrapped in plastic, and you want it inside you like that Skank in Grade 9 wanted you inside her.

You see it, and as you think that this is going to be the most delicious meal of your life, you realise that it has a do not eat sign on it.

You realise that as tasty as the screws look, and as much as they will be so easy to eat, there are rules on the packet.

You stumble into your room, take your piece out and try whack one off so you can at least sleep. You wake up in the morning, you are naked, hand on cock, photos of your digs mates ugly girlfriend, hand lotion everywhere and the photos and videos of you passed out have just been posted on Facebook.

“Fuck my life” you’ll shout.

This would never have happened if you had eaten the screws.

Sean Lloyd

Editor