It was decided that I needed to be more active and so break out some of the golf clubs that have been collecting dust in the garage where I store all my dead bodies.

What?

We all do store the bodies of our victims don’t we? Oh you eat them? Well, each to their own.

So I kicked some of the bodies out of the way and eventually made my way to my golf clubs. Clubs. Like what you club baby seals with.

What? We all do club baby seals don’t we?

I mangled my way through the bag and just took out a few irons, leaving the Greatest Biggest Meanest Mother Fuckerest Enormous Massive Bertha’s COCK in the bag. That’s a lie, I did take it out to have a little caress of its features.

So long

So big

So smooth

So…broken…

When we first got the Big Bertha is seemed massive, but rolling around the Pro Shop the other day, there are drivers there that could easily take down a battleship. I don’t know what the point is of having a turret on the end of the golf shaft, but anyway.

As I was saying, hitting golf balls is like buying toilet paper. When buying manly things like jerry cans,screwdrivers and hammers, you will no doubt be surrounded by old or ugly people, perhaps both. But when buying toilet paper, it’s always funny how a supermodel ends up standing in front or behind you in the line. It’s SO mental! Or in school you are buying condoms at the corner cafe near the school when a teacher strolls in behind you.

The teacher you have been thinking of boning since you first saw her in a g-string in Biology in Standard 7 (Ahem…cough cough…Standard 7…Rondebosch High School…Ms Venter…bending over to put a tape in the VCR…)

And the worst thing about hitting a good shot in golf is that no one ever sees it. They do see the shit ones though, and they also see the after effects of a shit shot. I hot such a massive divot, the River Club is probably going to look at getting a grass sponsorship to cater for golfers like me.

I know…

Seeing as though the Warbird was broken though we took out the Nicklaus and the Burner, now that’s more like it!

If you are in Cape Town and want to practise your game, I suggest the River Club. If it all goes pear shaped, as gold does, you can always chill out at the restaurant and eat and drink away your sorrows.

Prost!

Sean Lloyd

Editor