I had been locked up in my hotel room for a good deal of the day, only venturing out to ask David, the duty manager I believe, where my next drink was coming from. It had been a long tiring day at The Cullinan Hotel where I had been on the internet keeping up international affairs and trying to please the Cape Town crowd with my wit and flair. Not to mention my cheese grater abs and pecs like bricks.

An average workday for me

It was now the evening and as an esteemed guest at the Nokia launch party in Cape Town’s V&A Waterfront I was ready to make my way through.

I decided that it would only be fair to alert the organisers that my undeniable presence would soon be arriving. Prepare mojitos, food and girls. Clothing? Optional.

I sent the following through

“The eagle is ready to depart. Prepare for landing.”

I was only 5 minutes away from the Waterfront and took the shuttle through with some of the crew.

“I’m not really sure if cross referencing the hedge funds on the bull end of a bear market is the wise thing to do right now” I said to a guy next to me, who looked quite high up in Nokia.

Nokia — SICK!

I was trying to impress him by sounding clever, but he was more clever than me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Ah man going to get boozed tonight!” I replied, changing the subject.

“I don’t drink” He casually said, before getting back to his own thoughts.

Fail. Who doesn’t drink?

“Why don’t you have a liver?” I said, thinking I could now SURELY make him laugh.

“I’m Muslim”

“Oh shit son!” I said, realising that now I was properly cocking this whole thing up. I decided some quiet time was in order for me.

I arrived at the venue, which was a tent erected (Ha ha!) on the parking lot above Future Exotics in the V&A Waterfront.

The entrance was some sort of psychedelic vibe that I hadn’t seen since that time we accidentally dropped acid thinking it was just a sheet of paper we could pea-shoot with.

The entrance — Welcome to the jungle!

All sorts of colours were going on and I was sure I was having a relapse of sorts.

I’m freaking out man! No Sean, you’re not freaking out, you are freaked out!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get me out of here!

I did a power run right through the entrance, like Beast would run through a defence line. Appearing on the other side, I was sure I was tripping as I had somehow arrived in heaven.

I’ve always dreamt of heaven as a place where all the best things are and this was surely it.

Booze? Check.

Gourmet food? Check.

Women? DOUBLE CHECK!

“God?” I said, looking at the ceiling.

“Mojito sir?”

“Yes thanks, did God make this for me that quickly?”

“Sir Liquid Chefs are here. Feel free to go to any of the bars for more cocktails.”

Liquid Chefs — Supplying fun and confidence

Nice, I’m comfortable with this. I minced my way through the venue and shot another two mojitos down the hatch, firstly because they were good, and secondly because the girl serving them was quite sexual. To those at the event (To those not: Plebbs) you will know the girl. The bar as you came down the ramp at the main entrance. Very nice! I think we have a photo.

Yes yes, you have a toit body. I can shee that from the shize of your troushers!

All sorts of gadgets were set up, including the Nokia N96 (I believe, as I was mild to middlingly trashed by the time I started playing) which was hooked up to a TV set and you could sit down and play games on it.

I played the car game and literally spun out on every corner. I was chatting to one of the promotion people around the pool the next day and he said to me “Were you the guy driving last night spinning everywhere?”It’s so good to drive drunk! Well on the phone anyway.

The Editor drives drunk. Make that inebriated. Legless after a heavy whiskey session.

 

I sat up from my advanced driving experience and toodled over to another crowd.

“You come here often?” I said to the angel next to me.

“Well no this is only being held once” She said, giving me “The Look”

Before I could utter a reply, I was off to shmooze with the rest of the crowd.

I shot a look around, wondering if someone was watching me. I was looking rather dashing and was sure chicks would be going mental for my vibe. The only thing looking at me was the sushi, so I put it inside of me.

Get inside me food!

“Get inside me sushi!” I shouted as it got fully inside me.

I was now alone and drunk and had lost my crew. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone and drunk, and here I was at a Nokia launch party drunk and alone. And the entire day I had been drinking whiskey alone in my hotel room. Was this the apocalypse? Possibly. I sauntered to the bar in the hope of taking another mojito home and also taking the bar lady home.

I tried to lean on the bar, so I could order a drink and chat the bar lady up.

“Hey sexy…” She didn’t even hear me as the music was pumping. Fail.

CRASH! AHHHHHHH!

I had leant onto the bar and knocked a glass off. Epic fail.

“Fook me” I shouted.

“Can I just get another mojito please”

“Of course” She replied, acting very professional as though nothing had happened.

I decided now was not the time to talk to her. I decided I should never talk to her. I mean, if I was that nervous around her after a few drinks and at a random party, imagine our future together?

I had decided earlier in the night we would have two kids, Storm and River. But imagine trying to propose to her? I would be a nervous wreck! And imagine trying to make Storm and River? I would be shooting blanks!

So my true love story was thrown out the window, and in came flying another mojito through the window.

Then as if out of nowhere these chicks come out on the stage, doing some sort of dance vibe, with fibre optics on their heads. It was all too much for me and I thought I would put my drink down.

MOSES! What they had done, was install a motion sensor bar counter, so that when you put your drink down, it lights up beneath it. There were then these direction signals with things such as “sushi” and the like written on them, kind of pointing you to the food. SICK!

SICK!

Later on the bar counter changed, and when you put your drink down a hand would come up and act as if was grabbing your drink.

MENTAL!

 

I nearly died of shock and tried to hit it, but it was not real! I tell you I nearly lost my mind and was now sure Liquid Chefs (Or that Liquid Angel) had spiked my drink. I was now convinced she was trying to roofie me up and take FULL advantage of me, as random people do in this town.Just when you think it can’t get more hectic, it starts pissing with rain on the stage. I thought it necessary to play the song by Travis in my head, where they sing “Why does it always rain on me?”

A sheet of rain. In the tent. MADNESS!

I was sure the guys had forgot to put a section of roof on and it was now raining and the whole launch was ruined. But it was too hectic for rain as it was a straight sheet of water. Then these dudes come out playing drums, IN THE RAIN! I shit you not, they were half kit off playing drums with the rain coming down behind them. I was pretty sure Matthew McConaughey was behind this, or The Village People, but they weren’t, they weren’t! Then there was out guy playing the didgeridoo(Spelling?).

Well then, gooday mate! Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-bee!

I was going completely bonkers as more drinks were persuaded to enter my mouth, the angel crafted me more mojitos and rumours still spun about that I was dating Marisa Miller AND Megan Fox, at the same time! They’re not really my type, a little too chubby. And after having a go at both of them already in Cabo in 2006, I’m over them.

What the launch was really about was a program that should change my life, your life, everyones life! And it’s called OVI.

We shall get into the details of the phones and OVI in the piece I am about to write. I actually missed the day presentation where people were briefed on all of this stuff, because I was in my room hanging like the Mona Lisa on crack.

That’s what I do for a living. I attend stuff. Launches, parties, beach, parties, beach parties, shindigs,weddings etc.

I’m the rent a crowd that drinks, eats, parties and gets naked.

So where was I? Oh yes, we will get into the actual point of the party in the next piece, aptly entitled “The actual point of the party in the next piece”

In the meantime I’ll pour myself a whiskey and try solve this global warming thing that Al Gore keeps insisting is real.

I can’t really feel anything in here. The aircon is pumping ice and the Jamesons is in my legs, which I cannot for the life of me feel.

This is good, real good.

I must make a major thanks to Nokia for letting me into this event as I am sometimes a hazard. Then to Siyabona Africa for supplying my lifestyle woop woop! Liquid Chefs for giving me some insane confidence on the night, and Extreem Kwizeen for supplying food to soak up the disgusting amounts of alcohol being consumed. And also to The Cullinan Hotel in Cape Town for putting up with me running through their passageways at all times of the night, declaring “The apocalypse is coming!”

Sorry about that one, I have no idea how that happened.

And to Nokia, you guys are seriously off the hook at the moment throwing a shindig like that! I thought I was at some sort of Urban Wave party. The only difference was that this time I kept my clothes on. What a mental launch party, with enough booze to float a battleship and enough food to keep Zimbabwe afloat for a good while. Again, economic recession? LIARS!

I’m throwing out such a sick vibe today!

Want some?

Sean Lloyd

Editor