We spent a little bit of time in the leafy, student, alcohol ravaged place of Stellenbosch a little time back and once again I was enormously pleased with the people on display. Stellenbosch is fuelled by students, and the students are fuelled by cheap cane and cream soda as we would come to know on our day visit there.

I arrived fairly early in the day and settled into some Colin McRae: Dirt on the X-Box. This was going well until I realised that I’m better on the X-Box when I’m not so nervous about crashing the car. So I needed a drink. This is one time where it’s fine to drink and drive.

The shop was only around the block but I was stiff from playing Nintendo Wii the previous day and so we thought “What the hell, petrols only R10 a litre so we might as well drive”

We cruised to the Casa Del Bottlio Storio and picked up a bottle of Tanqueray gin( Gin and tonic- I just like to keep my body guessing. One day it’s wine, the next vodka, the next it’s gin. Like any good personal trainer will tell you, you should always vary your workouts as that way your body will grow stronger. This way of drinking ensures my liver never has time to become weak)

We then drove around another corner to the petrol station, where we visited the convenience store to pick up some ice. Now on your average Cape Town day, you will not spot some belter in a petrol station store. But as I was reaching deep into the ice freezer someone walked in without me knowing. Some blonde girl. Now when planning my trip through to The Bosch I never factored this in. When I visit friends in Pinelands I never think “Ok I better look good, spray on some cologne, and actually bother showering right before I leave” because the chances are high that the only people I will see at the petrol station shop are the cashiers, and some drunk guy outside begging for money.

Stellenbosch presents an ever trickier situation, as literally around every corner, there is another girl. Another hot girl.

They are everywhere, it’s bordering on ridiculous. Early in the mornings you see girls(And guys for that matter) walking down the streets, limping, make up smeared, and probably thinking “Fack man, can’t believe I slept with that Swamp Donkey. Oh well…I was drinking cane and cream soda…shit happens. I wonder where we drinking tonight”

So as I was saying…I’m in the petrol station looking like a bus has hit me. Looking terrible and this girl is there, just waiting while her friends card was repeatedly rejected at the till. Now because I looked like hell, I needed to at least act cool, throw in some “I’m Barry White” body language. Unfortunately for me, I literally was ice cold. With only one till open, I was forced to stand behind this girl, with a bag of ice in my left hand. On the verge of frostbite, I just couldn’t let up. I couldn’t put the bag down and swear, because my hand was about to die.

I just had to stand there. Eventually she moves away from the till, but then decided to draw money from the ATM in the store, so her hot blonde friend continues to stand right next to me. I then walk up to the till, heave the bag onto the counter and try to get some coins out of my wallet, with a hand that is now about as good as chopsticks at holding my wallet and coins. I try get some coins out, but due to cell damage in my hands, drop a coin.

Acting like I didn’t notice it, I thought to myself “It’s cool it’s probably a 5c piece”

So I give the cashier my money, about to take my slip and leave and I hear “Sorry me you dropped R5″

I turn around. It’s not the blonde girl but someone else.

Trying to act cool, and don’t ask me why on earth I did this, I casually say:

“No you can keep it”

Looking back on this she probably took it as arrogance on my part as if to say “No you keep the R5, you need it more than me”

I uttered this pathetic line and then walked straight out the shop, got in the car and went home. How embarrassing am I?

Anyway I’m over it now but I still think Stellenbosch is a goldmine. There is plenty of booze as all the vineyards are in the area so you are never short of cheap alcohol. And another thing we spoke about is the fact that in Stellenbosch anyone can get a girlfriend.

Cape Town is a little trickier what with all the girls being models and sometimes wealtheir than the guys, so they don’t really need boyfriends because they can support themselves. But in Stellenbosch everyone is a student and so everyone is broke.

Girls just want anyone, hence the abnormally high score rate in Stellenbosch. Guys who reside in Stellenbosch also just want anyone. Girls also don’t seem to be that phased by what guys look like, because I know some people who battle to get a conversation going with girls, but they go to Stellenbosch and suddenly they are Don Juan.

This is all good but Stellenbosch does give you a false sense of confidence. It’s so easy to come right in Stellenbosch that when you get back to Cape Town you think you are an absolute failure. From scoring four girls in  night, you go to scoring…none. Ever. Because you try and go for girls with the same looks as the Stellenbosch ones. The only problem is that the Cape Town girls are much wealthier, and don’t want you. They want other rich and famous guys.

The false sense of confidence can only be described as you going into a fist fight with an AK 47. You win the fight and suddenly you think you are a good fighter for some reason.

But then you go into a regular fist fight with no weapons you get cleaned.

So you going into Stellenbosch is you with an AK 47.

Going into La Med is you going in just with your bare hands.

It’s a fairly tricky situation, and you should obviously always try go for the wealthy Cape Town models as I like to think I do. This goes for both guys and girls.

But when you are out of luck there’s only one thing to do boys and girls.

STELLENBOSCH!

Sean Lloyd

Editor