You are SO lucky that I have dedicated my entire life to staying in this city. It’s essential that I bring you information for leading a more successful life. And here, my latest piece. It’s like Diesel. But it’s SLXS: For successful Cape Town living.

So we all know there are certain body signals that you put out, and shrinks will go into deep thought about what these mean. But this is all rubbish. What really counts is what your drink is saying about you. So here it is, the SLXS guide to decoding that drink(It’s essentially a guide for guys to read and is what people claim your drinks mean. But females have this INTENSE fascination with the thoughts inside my head and might find this mildly interesting):

Savanna

You are gay. Seriously, don’t try and pick up a Savanna at Forres, or Hemishphere, or Tiger Tiger, or anywhere in Cape Town without being called gay( The same guys who call you gay are also probably the ones who used to draw cocks on the chalk board at school) If you are in fact gay then this is not too much of a problem. Although in this case your gay friends might call you straight which could equally damage your ego. I’m not quite sure.

It’s a strange thing because Savanna is essentially a cider. The bottle is clear, wider and shorter than most bottles such as beer bottles. For some reason this makes it gay. However, guys can easily get away with drinking a Hunters Dry or a Foundry Cider. Both of these come in the standard beer bottle shape and the glass is green. The substance within is essentially the same but the packaging makes it straight.

Which is very odd.

Savanna should keep with the current design for the girls, and the gay guys. Then just release “Savanna MAN- Chuck Norris Edition” in a normal shaped beer bottle. Oh…and make the glass green. Savanna will then have market control over straight males, gay males and also females. That’s the entire spectrum and profits will shoot towards the sky. I think of these ideas like you would think to wash the dirty dishes. It’s easy for me.

I wasn’t called a child prodigy for nothing.

Sex on the beach, Mermaids Orgasm, Flaming Orgasm, Horse Jizz etc

Anything with any reference to anything sexual might have people calling you gay. Once again if you are gay then there is nothing to worry about. While I disagree with people calling me gay for drinking Savanna, I probably would be a little embarrassed telling the little belter in the white mini skirt that I’m drinking a Mermaids Orgasm, or a Donkeys Load. Or anything with reference to “cream” in it.

My chances of coming right on any given night sit at a minuscule 13%( They’ve done studies you know) Now if I had to say I was drinking any one of these drinks, my chances would be zero as the girls run for the club exit. As opposed to the entrance to my love palace on Lake Como in Italy.

I would not blame them though. Whenever I see girls drinking vodka out of the bottle, I think they are a bit too diesel and might in fact like a bit of carpet. So in my case, if I were to be drinking something with a sexual name, they would probably think that I like a few holes on the golf course. And that I putt from the rough.

Beer

Ja no well fine! So okes are the Bulls going to moer those okes this weekend?(We talk not of The Stormers in these here parts) Beer is a real mans drink. Beer can be drunk while watching the game, mowing the lawn, doing the kids homework, fixing the roof, sitting at work and even while out on the town. It’s a weird situation nowadays, because thanks to Men’s Health, it is acceptable to drink light beer. Windhoek Light and Castle Light are regulars on the Cape Town drinking scene and guys are cool with it.

It’s funny because while all the manne are drinking beer, and Toks is drinking a light beer, they still accept Toks as part of the group. They talk sport, gambling, beer and red meat while all the women sit around chatting about girlie things away from the toxic braai smoke (Carcinogens and all that shit) Toks is not seen as gay because he has a beer in his hand.

What the boys fail to realise is that Toks’ beer is more girly than the girls Savanna. Toks is drinking a 2% beer while the girls are smashing a 6% Savanna. They are drinking three times as much alcohol with every drink but the guys say nothing about Toks sexual preferences.

Such is the males train of thought. And I’m a guy, so I know how we think.

Shooters

Once again, a few options here. Anything with reference to anything sexual is a no go zone unless you want your friends calling you gay. “Love Potion” might taste good(It’s delicious!) but bear in mind that you are going to get some weird looks. Most guys refuse to be seen as weak and will always storm up to the bar and demand “Ten tequilas” After having a few of these rounds, and making faces that only a mother could love while drinking the tequila, the boys quietly go and have a chunder.

Classic mixers

The usual John Deere(Cane and cream soda), vodka and coke and brandy and coke are what I call “Classic mixers” They are your average, popular drinks and can be drunk by anyone. They don’t reveal too much about you and with these drinks you can confidently fly under the radar.

Straight whisky

This is for business people or people with an edge. Or just for people who want to try act cool when they are out. Often it’s all smoke and mirrors and they are just trying to impress the ladies. But for a lot of people they really enjoy whisky. It’s a fine drink and one that, if you have acquired the taste for it, can give you many hours of joy. My bottle of Lagavulin 16 year old that I just received is going down a charm.

If you see a guy drinking whisky, and he is wearing white loafers, then you know he is not a real whisky man. Rather he is a player. Girls, if you don’t want your heart shattered, best avoid him. Other than that whisky drinkers are people with culture and class.

Red Bull

Red Bull is for the sporty, crazy type. I really enjoy it. It usually screams of wealth but it’s not really like that. They say mixing energy drinks and alcohol is dangerous. I must say, it makes me a touch crazy and for some reason I want to dance all night. And I do dance all night. Red Bull is for everyone. It’s tasty, makes your head crazy and gives you all night energy. Male, female, gay, straight, we all enjoy it.

Champagne

Well if you are out drinking JC Le Roux, you are just someone who wants to have fun and get really school girl drunk. Which is always good times. If you are drinking Moet or Mumm, you are from the wealthier side of society and you like to break out the money club all the time. These are both fine brands of French champagne(Well if it’s real champagne it is French) and it basically shows that you have made it in life. Or you have inherited bus loads of cash in your life.

Real champagne is for the elite and shows a certain touch of class. Even better is mixing Moet with Red Bull as this shows a touch of youth and carelessness that comes with lots of money. It’s these vulgar displays of wealth that show that you don’t care because you are that wealthy. It’s not necessarily arrogant though, it just means that you were born to party and you want to have a good time, all the time!

Well that’s it for now, in this new section we are calling “Successful Living in Cape Town” It’s going to be the definitive guide to Cape Town living and should help you lead a happier and wealthier life in Cape Town. I hope this small drinks guide has informed you somewhat as to what exactly it means when you take your next sip.

Oh the things I do for you!

Sean Lloyd

Editor