So as you all know, my co-anchor is one of Absolut leisure and pleasure, only accepting the very best in this city. Bathing in Evian, sipping on Cosmopolitans, only eating food from Woolworths and The Wellness Warehouse and generally living it up. One of our favourite reads, 2oceansvibe, recently had a post advertising for a PA for Seth, editor of 2oceansvibe.

In order to infiltrate the 2oceansvibe HQ and get inside Seths head to steal trade secrets and such, we tried to get co-anchor a job there as his PA. I don’t know what went wrong, or if Seth actually knows that co-anchor is from SLXS, but we basically had access denied. Please read below for co-anchors job application. I’m not quite sure why she was denied this prestigious position. In any case, she still works for SLXS which we can all confidently say is NOT a bad thing. Many people believe that I only exist in myth. Co-anchor gets to see me every day. I’m basically like a Buddha, so wise, so serene. Co-anchor is blessed with my presence every day.

In turn, I am blessed with co-anchors presence each and every single day. Not many people are in the position we are. Many people refuse to believe that I can part the water at Llandudno. Most people refuse to believe that co-anchor can turn a seaweed from Llandudno into a Cosmopolitan with an alcohol content to destroy a family of four.

So here was co-anchors application with the photo she included:

Editor: 2oceansvibe

To start off with, my name is Brit. I really want to take home R10000 a month with the absolute minimal of work, and the maximum of partying and debauchery. I don’t currently own a car but I have read about your Mercedes that you sold a while ago, and I also recall something about a Ferrari, which I am more than willing to use to drive aroud the Atlantic seaboard. I also quite enjoy a light lunch at Shimmi in Hermanus two or three times a week, and the helicopters and private jets will more than suffice in getting me to Hermanus and back.

I don’t know who does the cooking in the office, but I have severe food allergies. I am allergic to anything bought from Pick ‘n Pay or any other inferior store. I did have an allergy test and my doctor says that my body rejects food of an inferior quality and therefore only Woolworths will do.

The allergy test also states that I am allowed to drink Savanna and Cosmopolitans, but I can’t drink Smirnoff vodka. Absolut vodka and Grey Goose vodka is fine and I don’t have any reactions to it, other than passing out on the pavement at Caprice. Sushi at Beluga is also fine with me.

My past work experience is kind of non existent and I’m quite a slow learner, which meant that High School was the best 8 years of my life. The 2oceansvibe lifestyle suits me perfectly and I do like to drink in excess, and I do like only the finer things in life. Gucci, Prada and Dolce are all like family to me and I regularly wear their attire.

I don’t really know how to use computers, but I did once play the Google application on the internet machine and it seemed simple enough. I had it sorted within 5 minutes, and so it seems in that sphere of my life that my learning abilities are excellent. After learning the Google people say that you can know anything in the world, so I’m confident that with my knowledge of Google, I can learn anything I need to for the job of your PA(Pissed Assistant)

I do have various substance addictions, and some will call them “problems”. But I fail to see them as problems when I enjoy them.

I don’t really know what else to put here, but I think this application is about “reading between the lines” and I’m sure you will now be well aware that I am more than qualified for the job.

I look forward to your swift reply.

Brit

So we waited a few days and this beautiful reply came back, as though we sent an actual job application and we were being serious!

Dear Brit

Thank you for the interest you’ve shown in considering the PA position for Seth Rotherham.

We have received a number of resumes from people and have made a decision on Friday. Unfortunately your application has not been successful this time.

We would like to thank you once again for your interest, and wish you continued success in the pursuit of your career objectives.

Kind regards

Yes! That is quality right there! Did you enjoy it how the reply was so formal? I have no doubt that Seth is the mastermind behind this humour. Ah we salute you 2oceansvibe. Anyway, now that co-anchor cannot get work there she will just have to sit it out at SLXS. Which, I mention again, is NOT a bad thing.

Only good things for the future.

“In pursuit of your career objectives”

At SLXS it’s more like “The Pursuit of Happyness”

It’s a crazy day. We’re all crazy. Now someone get me a beer.

NOW!

Sean Lloyd

Editor