(I’ll have you know that I listened to Michael Jackson the entire time I was writing this article)

At Cavendish, you’ll know that for an hour of parking you’ll be paying R6, and even for 21 minutes you’ll pay R6. Which most people just write off as part of the shopping experience, but doesn’t this seem a touch expensive? As the hours go up it obviously gets cheaper per hour, but for the most part, people are in and out in an hour.

So you’re paying R6 to park, but now consider that you’re not using the entire parking lot, you’re only using the space that your car is parked on. So if your car is 4,5m by 2m, that’s nine square metres. For an hour, it is R6 to rent nine square metres. At a rate of R6 an hour it would cost R144 per 24 hours, and therefore R4320 to rent 9 square metres for a month. That’s R480 per square metre per month. And that’s not even buying into it!

On the other hand, you can get a 1784 hectare farm in Ceres for R2,9 million! Remember, 1 hectare = 10000 square metres. That’s 17 840 000 square metres! That’s around R6 a square metre to BUY! FOREVER!

The possibilities on a farm in Ceres are endless as well. Want to have an out of control sex party? Done! Want to grow your own weed? Done! Want to start up your own Rocking The Daisies style festival? Done! On a farm you’re free to do anything, you can raise cattle if you want, set up a paintball course, open up a brothel, host insane to the power of MAXIMUM SICK parties, you could shoot things, drive off road vehicles, ride motorbikes…all for the price of an average Cape Town apartment.

In honour of a Main O, I’ll name the farm where we’re going to party  “Pleasure Town”

Come to think of it, I may consider buying property in Ceres. I’d literally have a party every two months that would be off the hook. Bus people up to the farm and let them go wild. Sex drugs and rock ‘n roll? We got it! I for a fact would turn my farm into an Ibiza style oasis. I’d make like Sol Kerzner and turn it into a beach. White sand, fake ocean…are you getting aroused by this? The fact is, Sol Kerzner could do this right now if he wanted to. He could build his own party paradise on a farm in Ceres, and host the most phenomenal parties there once a month or once every two months.

Fly some great bands in, get Columbia (Or Camps Bay) on the phone for some great blow, get Manenberg on the phone for some great tik, get me on the phone for size…I think you’re getting the picture now.

I’ve long believed that struggling farmers would do well to host massive parties on their farms with the most basic facilities. People would go up if the bands playing were good, and with a bit of planning, you could host rocking parties. and then that also might get your kids to meet other people so they stop pomping each other, further fueling the inbred people we so often see roaming around Kalk Bay.

Admit it, I’m a genius.