Some of the things we do in this country are just hilarious. Firstly, we elect the current people in government which include our boy JZ, our health chick Tshabalala Msimang and that other guy…um…Thabs. We can now clearly see that they don’t really have any clue what is going on, but I still was not completely convinced that they were absolute morons.

One of the main things we speak about in South Africa is obviously the crime because it is a bit of a bad situation. Now the government could obviously do a couple of things about this but because they have an IQ of 12, they refuse to. They don’t think of getting more cops, or training the cops better, or putting a better education system in place or just helping the country out by doing anything good. Obviously with the 2010 World Cup coming up, we could look at investing in a reliable and safe transport system. But we don’t do that.

It’s no secret that anyone with half a brain will refuse to take the train in South Africa because it’s quite dangerous. True story.

Being South Africa we are of the opinion that we are going to be attacked by some unknown force who are definitely going to hit us from the ocean. Don’t worry about refugees getting through our border, which is nothing more than in invisible line where anyone can cross at their will.

South Africa will let crime roll on, they will let people through the borders, they will be unable to control some xenophobia violence but being the rock stars they are they will want to buy some boys toys. Basically being the “Motley Crue” of the rock star governments, South Africa are near number one when it comes to blowing money on utter crap. They are the hotel trashing rock stars of government.

In this months GQ magazine, we hear that our boys have broken their credit cards in half by purchasing three submarines which come in at a cool R2 billion each. Never mind that there are people starving, or we face an electricity crisis, or that out transport system is so disgusting that we all have to drive personal cars to work, or that we face a multitude of problems. When our boys want to have fun, they will damn well have fun!

The German built type 209 submarine. Good times!

Personally I would have spent the R6 billion on getting Jacob Zuma through a decent High School education. That way he will learn that showering after sex will not prevent AIDS. I would also get Manto Tshabalala Msimang through a High School education so she can learn that eating beetroot and sweet potatoes will not cure AIDS. Lastly I will get Thabo a degree in running a country, so that when violence breaks out, such as the recent xenophobic violence, he will realise that he actually needs to be in the country, and not touring the world. He will also learn to admit that there is in fact a crisis in Zimbabwe.

If I’m not mistaken, not long ago he said there was no crisis. Yeah…and the Pope is Jewish, lives in Sea Point and walks his poodles on the promenade on Monday mornings.

So anyway it’s clear that our boys from the navy have been watching way too much Entourage and they are trying to live like rock stars.

Apparently, according to the GQ article, “the primary role of the submarines is to defend South Africa’s interests and territorial integrity while also bringing to the region and the African continent ‘a significant strategic deterrent capability’ ”

Good God almighty, who is their speech writer? President Bush would approve! “significant strategic deterrent capability” AWESOME! What drugs are they using? It could be lucrative selling that stuff.

But these submarines are actually quite a good thing. Because I was down at Llandudno the other day when I noticed a definite sense of war in the air. I pulled out my scopes and cast an eye over the horizon. Lo and behold, the Germans were coming! God, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. We were definitely being attacked and this warranted the R6 billion pimp spending spree.

I then woke up and my coffee was cold and my dog was licking peanut butter off my balls. Yes, the German invasion was a bad dream.

I can just see what the navy shopping list looks like:

Three submarines

18 Brazilian supermodels, 6 for each submarine

60 barrels of whisky, 20 for each submarine

3000 condoms

Xanax, Oxycontin, Vicodyn and fourty eight bags of cocaine

Milk Thistle liver tablets

80 bags of weed

Unlimited supply of pizza for the munchies

Let us be honest for a second, who the hell is going to attack South Africa, FROM THE SEA? What are they going to take? Our oil? Our gold? Our ramp models? Our property?

I don’t think they are going to do that.

So I can confidently predict this winters blockbuster movie. We introduce to you a Busted Government film.

“Fear and Loathing in South Africa: Bitches, artillery and the PO-lice”

Starring Thabo Mbeki as the brain dead prez. JZ as the bitch slayer. Manto as the groupies (She counts as 6 middle weight people) With Jacki Selebi Selebi as the evil villain and The Scorpions as the next extinct species.

Thabo. Thinking of his next drink and spliff session with JZ

They went where no government had gone before. They slept with each other to keep the group tight (And loose I suppose) They rocked out with their koks out and had warm showers. They cured AIDS all the while their people suffered. They laughed with Zimbabwe as they saw it collapse. They got drunk in hospital and then told their people that they were “Health ministers”

The biggest criminal mastermind group since Ocean’s 11 with unlimited bank supplies.

They came, they saw, they destroyed.

Now open at a South Africa near you.

Sean Lloyd

Editor