As a hero of mine, Rick James once said “Cocaines a helluva drug!”

Indeed. Indeed.

It is famed amongst the elite of the world as it just keeps them going. They can punish the party circuit all the time with hardly any tell tale signs of abuse other than bleeding noses and collapsing nose bridges. Cape Town chicks dig it.

It’s pretty easy to know though when someone is smuggling cocaine. Normally the giveaway is when you find cocaine on them at the airport. Or in them. In this case, there is a fair to middling chance that they are in fact smuggling natures wonder party accessory. Usually when you find a bag of cocaine in someones bag, they are also smuggling it.

It’s very rare to catch someone with a kilogram of cocaine on them and when questioned about it they say:

“Well actually I was born with that package strapped to my leg, but I don’t really know what it is”

So some British chick was caught in Oslo wearing a wig(Click HERE for the story). Fair enough. Under the wig however she had 1kg of cocaine glued to her hair. It wasn’t as if she was sleeping, and someone quickly slipped a bag of blow under her wig without her noticing. And to be honest, most people would feel if their head was a kilogram heavier.

Anyway the PO-lice find this cocaine glued to her head. This is all quite intense. If I was a cop and I walked in on a chick stabbing her husband in the heart and the head, I would arrest her for murder. There is no suspicion that she was doing it because she was really doing it. Guilty. Into the slammer with the diesel dykes.

Well our cops in Norway had other ideas. They arrested her.

On suspicion of smuggling cocaine.

She had 1 kilogram of cocaine GLUED to her head.

That could feed a supermodel for a month.

SUSPICION.

There was a kilogram of blow ON HER HEAD.

What is there to suspect? Are you seri-aaaaaaaaaas?

Johnny Depp in Blow. At the time of the release all of Cape Town’s slappers were heard saying “Ha ha ha tee hee hee hee I would Blow him. If you know what I mean!” Funny girls

That’s like looking over Camps Bay beach and saying “I have a suspicion that there might be an ocean in front of us but I can’t confirm it. We will have to do further tests and maybe refer this to the government and Stephen Hawking.

Or you walk in in your girlfriend boning your best friend.

“Camilla and Dave, would you disconnect yourselves from each other, we need to have a chat”

“About what?” says Dave

“Dave I suspect you might be boning my girlfriend. Camilla I suspect you might be boning my friend Dave. It’s not concrete evidence though, don’t get nervous. I just suspect something”

To give you an idea of what a kilogram of cocaine might look like on someones head, I got the supermodel to snap this photo of me this evening.

Sexual favours ensured my charges were dropped

That bag on my head is a 1 kilogram bag. If this was cocaine, would it not be a little suspicious? Just a tiny bit? I mean it’s quite hard to confuse the situation here.If police are so stupid, why are we not all smuggling cocaine? Cocaine is the perfect lifestyle choice.

You can sell it for loads of money.

You can use it to keep you awake and in shape.

You will only ever get arrested on suspicion of smuggling it, even if there are 4 condoms filled with cocaine in your stomach.

Slip it into your girlfriends coffee to keep her sharp, alert and in shape!

I think there is still time for a career change.

Sean Lloyd

Editor