Apologies for that headline, that is horrendous.

Anyway for a few seconds a couple of years back I suffered from guilt for not supporting local clothing designers. My main problem was, and still is, quality and pricing. And this is bad because I realise that clothing makers producing things on a small scale here need to charge fairly high prices to make any money.

But when I’m dropping cash, I want my clothing to last. And personally, I’d rather buy something that is cheaper and of higher quality. Country Road is KILLING IT at the moment! I’m basically dressed by them at the moment, busy breaking in a pair of raw denim Country Road jeans.

We’ll grab the jacket later in the week.

Anyway, another reason for not going local is the crap like this…the penis shoe.

Seriously, who is going to wear those?

Apparently this shoe was unveiled at the Joburg Art Fair (Oh it’s art! Oh look at me I’m so arty, there is a shlong on my shoe! I’m so alternative! I’m so creative! There is coke all over my face!)

Do you see me wearing a vag on my shoes? No, exactly, who does this?

I mean REALLY? Are you guys serious? And GQ print this?

Come on guys, let’s get up to international standards. And GQ…you print this stuff under ‘Fashion News’

Who’s in bed with who here?

April 28th, 2010: The world’s number one DJ/producer Tiësto has set another musical milestone with a new collaboration merging his own unique sound with the progressive rock of South Africa’s hottest emerging band BLK JKS -  recently awarded ‘Best Alternative Music Album’ at the SAMA’s. As part of a global Smirnoff Experience event in South Africa called ‘Mashup Street’, Tiësto has created a new and exclusive track for download. “Dreaming” is only available to Smirnoff fans on Facebook.com/SmirnoffSA. The track will be premiered live to a worldwide audience via an online live stream from the ‘Mashup Street’ event on the 15th May in Johannesburg, allowing people from all over the world to participate.

Watch the trailer: HERE and an exclusive interview with Tiësto HERE.

“Dreaming” Tiësto vs BLK JKS … An exclusive download for Smirnoff
“Dreaming” has the Dutch dance music superstar’s signature all over it, with a brooding synthy intro and a building bassline pulsating then breaking to reveal BLK JKS’ intense vocal. The electro-trance breakdown follows a cinematic mix of rising strings and a chorus of call and response using a bass hook of epic proportion, infused with blips of township funk and kwaito bop.
Tiësto  is no stranger to collaborations having recently worked with the likes of Nelly Furtado and Jónsi from Sigur Rós, but even the man himself admitted this one was something special:

Tiësto comments:
“Over the past year, I’ve done several collaborations with artists from a variety of genres, but have never worked with an artist from South Africa. I was excited by the opportunity to work with an act like BLK JKS, who are influenced by their South African roots, but also have some dance music sensibility. I’m looking forward to playing “Dreaming” live for the first time on May 15 at Smirnoff Experience™South Africa and on tour this summer.”

BLK JKS said in response:
“Some people don’t realise it, but we are big fans of dance music. We’re honoured to be selected by Tiësto and Smirnoff to take part in this collaboration. We’ve created a straight up dance track, which is not what we would normally produce on our own. I think “Dreaming” will surprise our own fans, and hopefully open us up to new ones.”

Smirnoff Experience South Africa ‘Mashup Street’ is an event that celebrates the fusion of vibrant South African music and street cultures. Tiësto will preside over this one-of-a-kind experience as the headline talent.  Mixing modern and classic genres of music, fashion art and mixology, ‘Mashup Street’ provides the ultimate canvas for Tiësto and BLK JKS to bring their creative vision to the world.

About Smirnoff Experience
With stops in Moscow, Shanghai, Paris and New York, the Smirnoff Experience™ series continues its journey around the world, having landed last weekend in Berlin on 23rd April with headliner Simian Mobile Disco before heading to South Africa on 15 May. The events celebrate originality in nightlife by bringing to life original concepts, forming one-off collaborations and championing original party experiences.

Tickets to Smirnoff Experience can only be won, not bought, so visit www.smirnoffexperience.co.za to find out how to win.  Tickets are limited to the 18-and-over market.  Terms & Conditions apply.

Not for Sale to Persons Under the Age of 18.  Drink Responsibly.

To find out how to win, visit:

Website: www.smirnoffexperience.co.za
Twitter: SmirnoffSA
Facebook: Facebook.com/SmirnoffSA

So we spoke of the Chateau Marmont just the other day, and someone commented saying we have the Grand Daddy in Cape Town which is our own local hotel of the sorts. I disagreed, on the fact that there just aren’t enough cool stories about it. Other than the tik monster driver from the other week.

Well the Chateau Marmont has lived up to the reputation once again, as Vinnie Jones has had a little go in the hotel. This from The Telegraph (HERE):

Vinnie Jones and Tamer Hassan in LA ‘scuffle’

Vinnie Jones was involved in a scuffle with fellow actor Tamer Hassan following an argument at a hotel in Los Angeles.

Jones, 45, reportedly hurt his nose and Hassan was left with a swollen face after the pair exchanged blows at the Chateau Marmont on Sunset Boulevard.

The fight broke out after Jones allegedly launched an “unprovoked attack” on the 42-year-old, who starred in the Hollywood blockbuster Kick-Ass, Hassan’s lawyer said.

Jones, who is due to begin working with Hassan on a new film – Blood Out – next week, told The Sun: “Me and Tamer had words and a bit of a scuffle like a lot of blokes do on a weekend after a drink and a curry.”

How most okes look after a drink and a curry!

The former Leeds and Chelsea football footballer, who lives in LA with his wife Tanya, added: “We’re making a movie together next week. It’ll all be forgotten about by then.”

It is understood that tensions have been simmering between the two actors since they fell out several months ago.

The fracas broke out after Jones went to talk to Hassan, a former amateur boxer, who was at the celebrity haunt with production crew for the forthcoming film.

Hassan’s lawyer, Eddie Parladorio, said: “My client informs me that he was subjected to an unprovoked attack late last night by Vinnie Jones at the Chateau Marmont in LA.

“He regrets being put in the position of having to defend himself, but defend himself he did.”

A spokesman for Jones, who starred in the film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, categorically denied that the his client launched an unprovoked attack on Hassan.

He said: “Vinnie was having a business dinner with a couple of producers and his wife on Saturday-night when he became involved in an altercation.

“He returned to his table a few minutes later and carried on with his evening. He left the restaurant to go home after midnight. Yesterday he was playing football with his Hollywood Allstars team as normal.”

Although not a household name like Jones, Hassan has carved out a career in film including The Football Factory and recently starred as Ares, the Greek god of war, in the blockbuster Clash Of The Titans.

I mean honestly, THAT is a script in itself! Chateau Marmont, legendary Hollywood and soccer tough guy Vinnie Jones.

Hassan has played a Greek God Of War. He’s starred in the movie ‘Kick-Ass’

Vinnie is from Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels. I dig it how Vinnie simply says they had a scuffle like a lot of guys do on a weekend after a drink and a curry. Ja because I do that! I mean I’m a man. I drink beer and eat steak and chop wood and plant my seed all over this town!

I drive muscle cars!

I definitely don’t moisturise and I have never had something called a ‘smoothie’

In fact the last liquid that passed my lips was brake fluid, because that’s how I roll.

The trailer at Ster Kinekor had me absolutely blown away by the extreme graphics made possible by 3D, so I went onto the Ster Kinekor site but there were no details about it. I put the word out on Twitter and directed it to Ster Kinekor with no reply. Slow there guys…get with the program.

Nu Metro were sharp though and sent me to the right link, because Nu Metro are releasing it on the 7th of May. I have never ever in my life seen such amazing graphics, the 3D is killer on this production and if there is one movie you need to see this year, make the X-Games in 3D that movie.

Now they have not allowed an embed of the video, but all you need to do is click HERE to check it out.

Remember that date, 7 May 2010.

I’d book tickets to that, it’s going to be utter madness. Is it true it’s only on for a week? Well you better start asking for tickets now!

I know I am, Nu Metro.

Don’t you sometimes wonder how on earth you arrive home from a big night out, with literally not a single cent in your wallet. You’ve managed to spend even that last 5 cent, which is difficult, because you’re almost always left with some sort of coins in your wallet when you’re sober, but when you’re drunk, you’ll spend every last cent. Buying sweets or throwing money away when you’re hammered drunk.

And sometimes you find yourself waking up in a Japanese families wreck room while they will not stop screaming, or you up next to Chewbacca and try chew your arm off for your escape to freedom.

There are literally times when you wake up in some unknown apartment and you have no idea where you are. You take a picture and post it on Twitter, asking where you are before fleeing the scene.

It’s time like these that you really need money, to catch a cab home or to make that phone call, because you obviously gave your iPhone away the previous night to some belter, or you dropped it in the toilet or the cane and creme soda jug.

So the cash stash it quite handy because you can leave it on your car keys with maybe a R50 or R100 note in it, the life saver. There is the chance that you may spend this cash too, but generally when it is in a metal case on your keys, your brain knows to leave that bad boy alone, even after 17 beers and a bottle of Jager. And this is also great if you’ve lost your wallet, as one does at Tiger.

So if you’re an alcoholic who loses phones, wallets and dignity, then check it out!

Click here to order online, each Cash Stash costs a mere R95.

That’s a R95 insurance policy, pretty good going.

In the past year there have been three defining moments for me in the local music industry, and that’s Die Antwoord, Locnville and Jack Parow. Anyway, Jack is going to visit my homeland (For real, ek sprechen die Deutsch) this year, and here he tells us where he is going to be.

So if you’re in those areas, you’re in luck.

And yes, we were at Purple Turtle on Friday to watch Jack Parow. Hy’s mos kief!

One day I will go straight to hell! But I’ll be cruising down on an air-conditioned pimp carriage with Quincy Jones on my left and Burt Bacharach on my right, while Lionel croons in the background:

So we hit up the Loaded Wake Jam on the weekend, and a huge congratulations to Andrew Bourne on showing the guys how it’s done, and winning. Nice! Whirly-birds, that other thing…it was crazy styles. Loaded delivered, with their promo girls keeping the sliders watered down for the riders. A nice addition was the fire hat:

Oh jis ma bru!

Then a little Lions Head run:

Ugly

Horrendous

And that’s what you do when you got nothing to do!

Look, I’m pretty sure we all have our reasons for wanting to save Cape Town City Ballet. Generally we should save anything with Cape Town in it, but I really think anything to do with the performing arts has an important part in any city around the world.  Now I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to see a ballet performance in Cape Town, but what can I say, I was raised in this stupid digital age! Until about a week ago I had never been to the Artscape Theatre, and yet I had the time of my life there.

Seeing live performances has changed my outlook on these sorts of things, and I can imagine the sorts of productions that are put on.

Now generally on these pages if I haven’t mentioned something stupid in the first two lines of an article, then readers have already skipped to Egotastic. So if you’re still here, well done on waiting it out, because it’s coming!

You do know why I run in Constantia, right? Well I’ll tell you…it’s not because I care about toning my ass…or getting rid of these monumental amounts of cellulite! It’s because I like to run with the Constantia crowd. They’re wealthy and good looking and while this may come across as Superficial,  don’t worry, because it is! What?

Don’t act like you don’t care about those things! No need to deny it.

Anyway the thing is, I’m sure there are some smoking hot ballet dancers that dance for Cape Town City Ballet, and for this reason alone, closing down Cape Town City Ballet becomes a HUMANITARIAN CRISIS! We cannot let this happen!

I’m pretty sure (Based on my viewing of the Grease Musical, throwing in a bit of generalization as to what the average performing artist looks like) that your average ballet dancer looks like this:

Oh Fabio save me you big sexy man!

Apparently dudes also do ballet, but my Google couldn’t find anything, she’s broken after the Gisele.

On a serious note though, it would be silly if we let Cape Town City Ballet close down. So they need your donations, and I never ask you for anything, but now I’m going to need your extra time and your…kiss. Purple Rain vibes!

So any donations will be helpful, and if we lose Cape Town City Ballet, then the blame will be on you! No seriously, I’ll basically blame you, and then you’ll have bad Karma. Here are where your donations should go:

Cheques should be made out to:

CAPE TOWN CITY BALLET and posted to
PO Box 94, RONDEBOSCH 7701

For direct internet transfers:

Bank: NEDBANK

Account name: CAPE TOWN CITY BALLET
Branch code: 123 209 (Please note: Some banks will require 2 extra 00′s at the end, eg. 123 209 00)
Account no: 123 200 8842
Reference: Name + Reference Number (Your name and the reference number is SL1)

And here are some prizes you can win:

• One of 5 double tickets to the Cape Town City Ballet POETRY IN MOTION GALA EVENT, Artscape Theatre 9 May 2010
• 24 bottles of wine from the personal collection of Cape Town’s food and wine guru, Michael Olivier, plus 3 signed copies of his books.
• A magnificent poster-sized photographic print from Cape Town City Ballet’s current photographer, Pat Bromilow-Downing.

Awesomeness! And remember, any donations are welcome so you don’t need to be a tycoon living in Fresnaye to donate.

Malema could help out by selling his watch, but you know, then how will he know when his little afternoon siesta is?

Tough times all around the country.

So while some people said it wasn’t Minki in that video, I’m pretty sure these photos confirm that it was indeed her.

Nice clean men taking some photos for the hard drive. Enjoy the individual in green, thrusting his package untoward the Minx. Nice one bugger.

Minki there a NINJA next to you!

Fantastic!
(Shot Mitch)

Obviously if you live around here, you know how snobbish people can be if you’re not wearing the right stuff! But sometimes when you have a budget that encompasses multiple facets of your life — wife/husband, mistress/gimp, girlfriend/boyfriend plus all their expenses, then your HIDEOUS cocaine addiction and that French bubbly you insist on drinking, there can sometimes be a little strain on the budget when it comes to clothes. You then have to shop at Mr Price and Ackermans (To the plebbs who want to sound smart, they’ll refer to it as Ay-See- Kermans — see what they’ve done? Clever)

Or do you?

Well with 36 Boutiques, wearing Mr Price might be a thing of the past (As will the shrinkage that Mr Price garments undergo, even after a cold wash!)

And your chick is going to PLUTZ when you present her with a new pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans, and you know what? When she next buys you a present, she’ll buy something of a similiar value, unaware that you were shopping at 80% off! So while you paid 20% of the value of a pair of R5000 jeans, she will in return buy you a R5000 watch at full price.

YOU WIN!

I mean naturally with girls you never win, because one drunken night with the boys and you drive the car through all her stunning new plants in the garden and fill the fish tank with beer, and she kaks you out and withholds sex. So in the end you never really win, but you can have some of your own back.

This is what 36 Boutiques is all about:

36boutiques is a brand new luxury shopping concept in South Africa. 36boutiques is classified as a Private Event Retailer.  Private in the sense that one can register by invitation only. Event in the sense that sales are once off and only lasts 36 hours, which is very exclusive. And Retailer because 36boutiques is establishing a new platform for the retail industry in South Africa.

36boutiques has weekly online sale events that feature the very best designer fashion, both global and local with up to 80% off the retail price! These exclusive online sales last for 36 hours only & boast an array of designers from Stefania Morland, Errol Arendz, 7 For All Mankind Jeans, Jingle and Chime (singer Louise Carver’s jewellery range), Hermanna Rush, Ben Sherman and so the list continues…

The next sale is going to be next Monday, 19 April 2010 which will feature  Jingle & Chime by Louise Carver .  This sale will start at 12 noon on the Monday and ends at midnight of the Tuesday. It is by invite only – so one would need to go to
www.36boutiques.co.za to sign up beforehand.

For other sales, 36boutiques will send you e-mails before each sale event, to tell you what is going on sale.  This product is definitely not reject designer stuff, but rather end-of-season items or designer fashion that boutiques offer 36boutiques exclusively!

I mean, HAVE YOU EVER?! Girls will be chilling like Gisele in no time. And remember ladies, I love skinny jeans tucked into boots. I’m just saying.

But before I waste any more of your time, sign up fool!

Click here to sign up.

And honestly, when your girlfriend is looking at you, holding a new item of expensive clothing (Which you bought for cheap), and thinking of all the animalistic things she is going to do to you, then think of me. I mean obviously only for a second, not while she’s all over you, but you get the point.

And LADIES, just think about this, with all these new clothes, if you’re single, you won’t be for long because guys are going to be mesmerized by your amazing clothes, not to mention that cheeky ass of yours, which you continue to flash beneath that very short skirt!

I’ve seen you walking to The Assembly in that little skirt.

I acted like I wasn’t interested.

I just wasn’t sure what the hell you were doing with that guy.

Surely you deserve better?

I mean, come now, really…

Just call me.

Call me Julio and smother me in custard you naughty girl!

But seriously, we’re now losing the plot, go buy those new clothes and then we’ll chat again.

Sexy. X

Click here to sign up.

In a last minute turn of nut cracking, silk shirt wearing tightness, I found myself mincing into the Artscape Theatre in Cape Town to watch Grease with the family, awesome! Gosh, even my gran was there, WITHOUT her hearing aid, absolute madness!

I’ve always been a  fan of the Grease movie with Johnny T and wasn’t so sure about going to see a musical. Obviously I told the okes I was hunting animals in Siberia while making my own vodka, and not drinking bottled water and eating crackers at the Grease musical. You see we need to keep up appearances around these shallow parts. It’s all we have…

And I tell you, I laughed the entire way though the production! At first I thought “Hmmmmm R350 for a ticket…steep” but after watching it, it was well worth it. Tickets for the shit I watch at Ster Kinekor are R48, plus like R13 parking so that’s R61 and that’s just some tape vibe playing. At the theatre you’re playing for a performance and the cast of Grease were spectacular. For two hours they’re bouncing around the stage giving the show of their lives, and seeing real people on a stage gives you so much joy. I’d forgotten what it was like to see real talent without all the special effects of movies.

The conductor for the band was also a comedic performance on his own, disco dancing all the while leading the band! There is also something classy about going to the theatre, because it weeds out all the commoners you see at movies. You know those kids playing on Mxit during a film, people who have been drinking drugs and smoking doos wyn. I went pretty casual but AWESOME, but I was stoked to see people really dressing up and giving it a good go. People in suits and hats, beautiful dresses, young kids, old cougars, MILF’s…it was the whole Cape Town crowd there!

You never really see me laughing the whole way through a movie, but being to close the the actors on stage, you could see the effort they were putting in and the enjoyment they were getting out of acting. Whereas sometimes you see Megan Fox on screen, and it makes you happy, you wonder how much acting effort she is really putting in. I mean, she’s not trying that hard for the millions of dollars she is making. The Grease cast are really putting so much into each performance, it’s amazing and I loved it. These people are masters of their art and it’s a treat to see them, and worth every rand that you pay.

The dancers, both male and female, were also spectacular, to do the amount of shows that they do with the same energy is really quite phenomenal. They have a massive Johannesburg tour lined up and I suggest if you’re in Johannesburg, you make this a priority. And if you’re in Cape Town, but going to Joburg for business, then make sure you stay long enough to catch a performance of the Grease musical.

For all the Johannesburg tour dates, and to book your tickets, click here. The show runs from the 17th of April until the 13th of June, so you really cannot miss it.

And did I tell you how hot the female cast members are? Smoking.

And the people in the crowd? Smoking.

I think I’m sold on this whole old school theatre thing!

Gosh Gus, is that a woody?

Heck yeah, that’s Hondo, he’s old school S.W.A.T

Anyway, anyone else but me notice the way ‘association’ is spelled? Spelt? I can’t even spell!

That’s amazing, but then again, when there are hot chicks on your poster, why bother with spelling?

Oh jis mammie give a four rand for a piesang Steri Stumpie!

So the big news is that Jeff Dunham will be in South Africa this year, and he is famous for ‘Achmed The Dead Terrorist’ And yes, it is on Boobtube! Click HERE to watch that one. Tell your boss your busy cross referencing the hedge funds for the bull market managers in Hong Kong, and if he bothers you he will be flying planes full or rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong, because that clip is 11 minutes long.

If he says you’re using up all the bandwidth, tell him his wife is using up all the bandwidth. That will keep him quiet.

Jeff Dunham, best known for his ventriloquist character `Achmed the Dead Terrorist` has won over millions of fans with characters that are politically incorrect, insulting, and downright hilarious. Witness why Jeff Dunham is the top-grossing stand up act in North America when he tours South Africa in September.

Here are Jeff Dunham’s South African tour dates:
Sun City Superbowl, Sun City – North-West — Saturday 18 September 2010 at 8:00 PM

Carnival City, Big Top Arena, Johannesburg And Reef – Gauteng — Thursday 23 September 2010 at 8:00 PM

Grand Arena, Grand West, Cape Town – Western Cape

Friday 24 September 2010cat  8:00 PM

Awesome! Click here to buy your tickets.