Sweet infant, has this week been a mess! Not only have I not had access to SLXS, I have not had access to e-mail. Or my computer. It was so trashed, it was disgusting. You know how it goes when you change computers and something does not work. I promise you though, all this week has been stored in my head and it’s ready to be unleashed like the beast that it is onto these pages next week. Right now is not a good time, but I see it’s been a slow week all around for everyone in Cape Town.

Blame Cape Town January, where no one works.

It’s all good now, the nerds have assured me that my gigs, ram and all that stuff is OK.

I don’t know what they are talking about so I assured them that they will never be able to confidently talk to a girl. This got them all giggly.

Which is why I only speak to them when I need my computer to be anti-STD’d.

See you at the J&B Met tomorrow, stories and tales of excess to follow on Monday.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

A lof of you look to me for inspiration and daily advice, as though I am a sort of higher power.

Well it is true that I did create God, but we won’t get into that at this moment.

I know a lot of you see me on the street, and while guys say “I want to be you”, girls say “I want to be on you”

Unfortunately there is only one me, and so many of you. So while every guy in Cape Town can be like me, not every girl can be on me. Unless you ask nicely.

So I’ve been seeing a couple of you in the Cape Town crowd sporting white loafers lately, and I’m not impressed. If you go to Joburg you will see white loafers sported quite freely I believe. Well this is an assumption based on the fact that all of my Joburg buddies sport white loafers.

While I love these guys, I make it quite clear that white loafers are not acceptable. Ever. I don’t care if they are from Gucci, or if GQ recommend them, they are not acceptable in my world. And my world is the world.

Not even Gucci white loafers will be accepted

I’d opt for something better. We will get into what sort of shoes you should be wearing soon, but for now, just know not to buy white loafers. I’m wearing Sixty shoes at the moment, and we will have a look into these soon.

For sure, break white loafers out in Joburg, but we are in Cape Town. In these parts, we do not speak of those who white loafers wear. The only other time you may wear white loafers is if you are an Italian porn star with a dark, dark tan and a 32cm piece.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Because I know that you are the ultimate lothario, I thought it only pertinent to make a mention of this fact!

You know like when you are buying toilet paper, there is always a hot chick standing behind, and in front of you? Well it’s the same with condoms.

You are chilling there and either there is a belter standing behind or in front of you, or you bump into a friend of your moms and she stops to chat, asking you what you are doing at the pharmacy and what is happening with your life. Christ it’s embarrassing.

The only cool thing about buying condoms and then having a hot chick standing near you is that she knows you are banging like you were born to. But the problem is that she knows you are not banging her. So she knows you are banging someone else.

On the other hand, if you were standing there with Berocca or Vitamin C, you could still try chat this chick up and bang her without her knowing you actually have a girlfriend. Some call this cheating, I call it playing the field and living life.

But really, this rubbish of buying toilet paper and condoms, and then having a runway model stand next to you in the queue needs to end. I thought it would be cool to buy condoms and lube online in South Africa.

And at SLXS we are ending it once and for all! With the help of Mantality, the days of these cringe worthy condom episodes are over! It is now easy to buy lube and condoms online in South Africa, yes please darling!

No need to go into this in any detail.

Just click the banner below and you can order as many condoms and lube as your heart desires, safely, securely, discreetly and online. No queues, safe and secure, overnight delivery and 4 different payment methods courtesy of Mantality:

The days of late night petrol station convenience store condom shopping are over! As are the days of buying 35 other items to kind of hide the 5 packs of condoms that you are buying.

So once again, click HERE to order condoms online in South Africa, as well as lube and avoid all the hassles, and then rock out with your…

YEAH!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

If you , like me, still have something called “money” during the current “recession”, then you will need something to put it in.

I bought something called a wallet a while ago and it works a treat! Basically it’s this thing that can fold up, and stores your notes, coins and credit cards. And best of all it is quite small and fits in your pocket.

God, why didn’t I think of this? I’m pretty sure if I had invented it 5 years ago, I would have made millions by now.

Alas, I was too slow on the draw, and someone else had capitalised on it.

But my favourite wallet at the moment is the J.Fold, the “original sports wallet”

The J.Fold is super slim which is exactly what you are looking for. Because you don’t need to carry a lot in a wallet, all you need is two R200 notes, a few coins for the misfits of society and for crack whores, and your credit card.

The J.Fold wallet has been seen on celebrities such as Justin Timberlake (Or JT as I, and many of his personal friends, like to call him), Snoop Dogg (D-Gizzle as I, and many of his personal friends, like to call him) and Ashton Kutcher (Demi’s shag, as I, and many of his personal friends, like to call him)

It’s ridiculous how slim and cool this wallet is, and it’s been featured in favourites such as GQ, FHM and Men’s Health.

Now it’s featured here!

Stop lugging your hard earned cash around in that bulky wallet that bulges out of your back pocket, and get yourself a J.Fold.

Trust me, it’s cool, plus chicks dig it and chicks dig wealthy guys with style. Seriously, go around Cape Town and look at the belters dating guys who might make it into Farmers Weekly if they are lucky. It’s because they are rich.

Being rich immediately means girls see your face and body as that of Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Proven scientific fact!

Store your money in style this summer with a J.Fold.

Click HERE to purchase one.

My favourite is the J.Fold black with green detail. Sexual!

And no, you should NOT store your condoms in your wallet! The heat can damage them.

You know, unless you really want a child, you shouldn’t keep them in your wallet.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

While we are talking about all things rock ‘n roll, I thought it necessary to mention that a dedicated Converse store will be opening up in Canal Walk, in the MIDST of the economic crisis! So rock star are Converse, that they do this type of stuff.

That’s how they roll!

Converse are pretty rock star and old school, matching nicely with those skinny jeans I have seen you wearing lately. Guys and girls wear them, and I’m sure the Converse store in Canal Walk will have the most awesome range from which to choose.Kurt Cobain also wore them, so if you have the cardigan, now all you need are the Converse. Then it’s time to quit the job, and just rock out with your cock out all day.

So I thought, if you’re a converse fan, you might like to know this. I’m not sure when it opens, but it must be soon. There are already signs in Canal Walk saying that the store is there, but I asked, and it’s not open.

Not ideal, but it will be worth the wait.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

So we have been having a few odd days of weather in Cape Town, but it’s not necessary to get your mates in the UK to send over London battle gear. In Cape Town there is never a need for trench coats and army boots…just a little more cover up than usual.

And there is nothing better than a classic cardigan! Probably best known for always being seen on Kurt Cobain, the cardigan is a classic wardrobe staple we should all own. I won’t lie, I don’t own one yet, but I will. A cardigan is a type pf sweater that ties, buttons or zips down the front. So it’s not the same as a pullover, which is closed.

Kurt Cobain rocking a cardigan — And so can you!

I searched through Cavendish, The V&A Waterfront as well as Canal Walk, but couldn’t find anything. I suppose I could have found something if I went into the more exclusive stores such as Diesel, but I’m not keen on dropping R2000 on a cardigan.

Enter Urban by Hilton Weiner! Currently out of stock, they have assured me that in about two weeks they should be receiving stock of their awesome cardigans. I will be the first one in there.

I did get impatient and braved losing my mind by going to that store in Access Park where they stock Aca Joe and Urban. And they did have cardigans, but only in size large and up, and they only cost R200. So if you are a large or bigger, and are desperately looking for a cardigan like I am, then head on over to Access Park and hit up the Urban store there, you should find something. Urban’s cardigans are 100% cotton, none of that polyester rubbish.

So that’s it really, the cardigan is cool and you can wear it. It’s great for cooler days and you can wear it open so no need to completely sweat your tits off.

I’ll be wearing one, so you know it’s good!

And Kurt wore one so you can too, as well as doing sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I loved this advert in the latest Men’s Health Best Life.

Just a car crusing. Immediately recognisable. No need to say anything else.

It sort of reminds me of the Bentley ad over HERE, probably the best advert I’ve ever seen!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I pumped out a couple of messages this evening to some chicks I know (Well I know them…they probably claim they know nothing of me) and quite bizarrely I got no replies!

I don’t quite understand what chicks don’t dig about me!

Rude, arrogant, self centred, superficial, vain…what’s not to like?

So I realised I was starting to sound a bit weird when I started sending messages to these chicks saying things such as:

“Seriously just come round and touch it”

“Let’s just bang. For the feeling”

“This is your last chance at banging a legend”

“You’ll never work in this town again”

“I don’t care if you don’t come round anyway, you’re not hot, I just thought I could use you to get to your hot friends”

“Ah babe I thought we could cuddle tonight, I love cuddling in this stormy weather”

“Has anyone told you lately that you are beautiful? I think you have a stunning personality, I’m more a personality man than  a boobs man”

So those didn’t get me any replies either, just more hatred.

SWEET!

It was then that I decided to seduce myself with a bit of Rod Stewart. I’ve been listening to Rod Stewart for many years, ever since I was a little girl.

I was at the Rod Stewart concert in Cape Town last year and it was sexual. Not only did all the chicks want to bang Rod…hell, in the heat of the moment I wanted to bang Rod!

I sat down tonight, not even bothering to turn my phone off as I knew no messages would be coming through, and I maxed out to Rod Stewart Live At The Royal Albert Hall.

The lights were low.

Tears rolled down my eyes.

I remembered the times when I was king of the world, I had fans for miles and miles, every restaurant had a table reserved for me every night, just in case I arrived, doors opened magically for me, action was like beer…on tap.

Ahhh those were the days!

They were so great, I never had to pay for drugs and I would say stupid things like “I painted my dining room today” and people would burst into laughter.

I was like an onion. Many layers to the legend. But now I’ve been reduced to rubble!

And then I realised, I have the perfect life.

Life is complete with Rod Stewart in it. I wiped away my tears and told myself to harden up. I jammed “Maggie May” through the stereo. I knocked back the tears. I lay back on the couch, Ronnie Wood played a solo during Maggie May, and I smiled.

It is good to be me.

I quietly chuckled to myself. “What economic recession?” I thought.

I lay there, like the bronzed gladiator I am, and realised that as shallow as I am, I’m actually quite deep.

I also realised I should think more before I do things…

I think I’ll hit another bong.

The evening’s entertainment was provided by Rod Stewart Live At The Royal Albert Hall, on DVD, available by clicking HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

In keeping within the theme of excess, I think it’s only right to show a man of pure excess, someone who you will probably aspire to.

I won’t go into too much here, other than to give you the introduction to the Tucker Max website:

“My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.

I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions,  mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.

But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world”.

Click HERE to read The Famous “Sushi Pants” story.

Then click HERE to read the rest.

Hating!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It’s a well known fact that I am AWESOME.

I mean it’s a well known fact that I like to indulge in some…shall we say…leisurely pursuits that have my body looking like it’s just come off a modelling shoot. I’ve done quite a number of orders through Faithful to Nature and I must say, late last year a package was delivered to me and it contained my order of Chai Tea Soap.

Now I wasn’t quite expecting it to actually smell like proper chai tea, but it did, it did!

And the great thing about Faithful to Nature is that all their products are natural. So it’s not like that crap you buy at Pick ‘n Pay that says “natural” or “Green Tea soap” when it’s just chemical laden rubbish.

The Chai Tea soap is made up of all natural oils and when used with one of those shower sponges lathers so well! It lasts ages if you leave it to dry (Don’t leave it in the shower where it gets wet all the time. It needs to dry to make it last ultra long) I’ve always had people comment on my skin, saying it glows, and there was this time my friend Gisele Bundchen thought I was going for special chemical procedures to keep my skin looking so good that all chicks want to do is bang me.

Chai Tea Soap on my nipples. If I were a chick, I’d totally bang me.

But it’s down to only the best products used my entire life, lot’s of water and never buying brands available at your local cafe.

For me the chai tea soap is amazing, it’s natural and won’t dry your skin out, but best of all is the delicious chai tea fragrance. It’s great!

But seriously, take my word for it right now and place an order for this soap, I guarantee you will never want to use another soap again in your life. I’m hooked on it and would order more but my card maxed out tik last night.

This is the finest soap you will ever use, and for great natural, healthy gift ideas, you can throw together a few products on Faithful to Nature, and have them delivered to your loved one.

Nobody loves me and all I get is people throwing bags of shit on my porch, but I’m a humanitarian, and all I think about is you.

I think about you so much that I even composed a song called “Morning Glory”

That’s right my readers, I wake up every morning with a massive one courtesy of dreaming of you all night.

I know it’s quite naughty and incestuous because you are virtually family, but my love for you is so.

Click HERE to order your chai tea soap, it’s R29 for a 160 gram bar, excluding delivery. Order like four bars, you will want to eat this stuff.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I quickly nipped into the pharmacy the other day because there is this chick that I really, really like.

But when I like chicks a lot, I get a bit shy around them and never know if they like me or not.I decided to buy myself some Xanax to calm myself down.These nerves had me left with quite a thirst.

So I nipped to the fridge, grabbed a USN Spike (Spicy) and a bottle of water. So I’m chilling drinking the water outside the shop with a bag full of tranquilisers when I realise I have bought, for R5,50, a bottle of USN Oxygenated H20.

USN Oxygen Spice H20

“Jesus, what next?” I shouted.

“Sean, next you will date a really hot girl”

“No Jesus, not what is next in my life, but what next are the guys in marketing going to try to do to make us buy their products?”

“Oh sorry, I don’t do marketing Sean. I just deal in radness. Keep it real homie”

“Peace out J-Dog”

So a little squizz on the USN website brought this up:

“Research done in 1967 (Fucking recent – Sean) revealed that oxygen rich water decreases nitrates, increased oxygen levels and enhanced the body’s ability to remove toxins. Further studies also showed that oral oxygen is absorbed by diffusion and osmosis through the cells lining the”

And that’s where it ends. I kid you not. Click HERE to read up about USN Oxygen Water. They realise that they are spicing this story beyond belief, and just cut their losses and stop talking!

It says that oxygenated water contains a maximum 10,9mg of oxygen per litre. So you could drink one litre of water to receive 10,9mg of oxygen.

OR, my wise young men, women and Buddhas, you could simply open your mouth…breathe in…and be prepared to have a large one inserted into your mouth courtesy of this bit of knowledge, from Wikipedia:

Average human lung capacity is 4 to 6 litres.

Obviously with every breath we don’t breath in pure oxygen, but taking about 10-20 breaths per minute means we taking in between 40 and 120 litres of air every minute.

So I really don’t think 10,9 mg of oxygen, being absorbed through my stomach lining, is going to do me any good!

Not to mention the fact that bottled water travels hundreds of kilometres to get to us, wasting fuel, and then most of you don’t recycle the plastic bottles.

So stick to tap water, buy a water filter, and don’t believe everything that USN tell you.

They are quite a spicy bunch.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

While many office workers get wheeled down to the operating theatre for triple bypass surgery, we at SLXS have decided to avoid this by just avoiding the economic recession altogether.

An office is all work, gloom and skanky office chicks who don’t get out enough.

At SLXS, it’s Successful Living, Xcess Sex! It’s all sun, fun and hot birds.

Here’s how to live like we do:

Do male grooming, but do it sexually

Hours and hours in the gym mean you want to show your cannons and pecs off. Waxing, shaving, it’s all not very Magnum PI or Chuck Norris. But sometimes it needs to be done.

Don’t book an appointment to get your chest waxed, instead get three angels around to your house to wax your chest!

How often do you get an angel holding your head up, one sitting on you, and another smearing hot wax on you? Does this happen at a regular office? Does this happen in a regular office lifestyle?

NO!

Exactly!

SLXS make even the most metrosexual activities sexual and AWESOME!

Shoot things like a real man

WORRIED about recessions 

With all the worries about the environment, we aren’t exactly going to go out and shoot a lion. But there are other things to shoot. Swimwear models!

Get a gun (Ours cost around R2500, but check out the sick scope), tear a swimwear model out of the SA Sports Illustrated Swimwear edition, and try shoot her in the box. Or the nipples. Either way, it makes for much better target practice.

“Yeah dude I gave Gerda Marie Mare a shot in the pants today”

It also makes for much better and more interesting conversation.

Get chicks to play with the guns

Don’t allow girlfriends to actually handle a loaded gun, because inevitably they will shoot you and then take over all your bank accounts, take the house, the car and none of your buddies will get a thing. But do allow them to handle the gun.

Take proper care of your gun and put it back in its box… 

Insert a cigar into Megans mouth

“Well thank you Mr President”

“I did NOT have sexual relations with that women”

And remember, if none of this gets you any action whatsoever, eye drops work a charm. Especially on blonde angels.

And there we have it my loved ones, the essential guide to getting action, having fun and completely bypassing world collapse!

Hey?

The Nobel Peace Prize?

That’s really NOT necessary! Silly!

But thank you anyway, I shall mount it on my mantlepiece.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Well apparently we are voting for the new 7 Wonders of the World and Cape Town’s Table Mountain seems to have qualified. You don’t need to know anymore information at all!

It’s Table Mountain. It’s in Cape Town. You need to vote for it. Cape Town is already on the Monopoly board, so let’s give Table Mountain a few votes here.

It’s SO weird, talking about wonders of the world and Table Mountain. For me, oil rigs have always been a fascination and a wonder of the world, cruising out to sea and drilling thousands of metres down for oil, then pumping it up, and it eventually gets refined and powers my powerful car. It’s SO weird then that I had this photo taken about two weeks ago.

Waiting for Barton, my pilot, to fetch me for lunch at the Twelve Apostles

Yeah, that’s me on the helipad on the Scarabeo 7 oil rig, with Table Mountain in the background.

I know!

What, have I not told you about my time on the oil rig? Good beef! I will have to get onto that.

Anyway, to vote for Table Mountain as a wonder of the world, simply click HERE.

Crazy times.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I must be honest, I was completely oblivious to the current “recession” in the “economy” I don’t even know what those words mean, but someone said something about money problems.

So it was with some shock that I went out to buy some things today and they came to just under R60. I only had a R100 note so I just tore about 1/3 off the note, thinking that this is surely suitable payment. In fact, it even allows a little tip for the cashier should she have wanted it.

Apparently money is not wanted by cashiers…

But she declined my money! I can’t understand it. This further proves that there is no economic recession, as even a till lady does not need a few extra rands when presented with them.

I don’t know what all these people in wbanking are talking about, but they are no good at their jobs.

Seriously, is no one going to take the R67 note? Can I spend it anywhere?

Maybe I should just cut my losses and trade it for a tin of tuna at Beluga.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’ll be honest, we have been spending an obscene amount of time on the beaches of Cape Town, Llandudno in particular. Never mind the ‘roid bunnies walking around, we stumbled upon possibly the most pathetic umbrella in existence. A couple were using it, so we waited for them to leave to get a photo of it.

First we have my crew chilling here (Hello lady on the right! Our current vibe…) with the umbrella in the background.

Then we get some perspective and throw one of us into the shadow cast by said umbrella.

It covers a man crouched down like this. It might be handy to keep your bag in the shade. Other than that this umbrella is made of FAIL!Shit son! My summer has been all chicks and beach. It still is all chicks and beach! The whole year will be all chicks and beach, sick!

How’s your summer going?

Sean Lloyd

Editor