While I was relaxing at the Red Bull Big Wave Africa, I had some absolute tool in front of me, taking photos. He was there with his  dog that was about to drive me to drink. Which it did.

Please enjoy tit wearing his blue top and his psycho dog

I was busy eating, and his retarded alsation kept on coming up and trying to steal my food, then it tried to dig in my bag and it was just being like an ADD child the whole day. Not for one second did it’s  owner think to actually keep any control over it. He just let it run amok while he snapped photos.

Every single thing this guy did amazed me. He was there, presumably with his child, and the kid got in the way of the camera or something, so he just starts pushing the kid out of the way. Way to treat a kid, champ.

Eventually his dog started getting seriously crazy, and nearly attacked a child walking past. Then randomly, the dog would lash out at people walking past, not biting them, but going a bit mental.

Eating it’s own foot. Clever.

If you can’t control your dog dude, stay home.

Do you realise what an idiot you are? It’s like people who take their kids to church, and they just make a scene the whole time. It’s stupid and retarded and these sorts of people should be put down. Because if you are born with one tenth of a brain then you really don’t deserve even one square metre on the planet.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

This article WILL contain swearing! Kids…

Imagine the end of the month comes and you’re waiting for that pay cheque because you desperately need the money ASAP. You have been working hard the whole month, but in order to get paid you need to survive one last obstacle.

You walk into the office towards the end of the month, hoping for good things.

Suddenly your boss comes barreling out of his office, wielding a steel baseball bat. You think he is joking, but suddenly he comes towards you and starts fucking you up. Beating you, he breaks your ribs, dislocates your shoulder and leaves you lying in the passageway concussed.

If you think this is far from the truth, then think again because this sums up the Red Bull Big wave Africa 2008 that took place at Dunegeons on the 26th of February, this past Saturday.

I was actually unaware that the Big Wave Africa was even in the waiting period, when I received an sms at 7:34 on Saturday morning.

“Red Bull BWA 2008: Green alert! We have a go, contest aiming to start at 8:30am”

I woke up, jumped in the shower and bent it towards Hout Bay at a phenomenal rate. Brendan was the only person willing to meet up at that time to see some crazy guys go out at Dungeons in the hope of finding glory.

We stopped off at Woolworths to get some food, and obviously some booze. We settled on something low key and easy to carry. A classic box of wine!

We drink wherever we go

We found signs near the Hout Bay harbour pointing towards a parking lot, where we would then be picked up in the VIP shuttle (I’m not joking, there were two shuttles, and naturally we got picked up by the VIP shuttle)

They drove us towards the top of the township vibe in Hout By and we made the short walk over to the Sentinel to settle on for some big wave action.

On arrival there was quite a decent size crowd, and people were coming and going the whole day, leaving us with a good size crowd throughout.

The gathering crowd

Within the first half hour of arriving, we definitely saw some of the finest action. The crowd could be heard cheering as the riders took to the waves, unsure of how they would fare. Collective gasps could be heard as wave after wave, guys were getting absolutely cleaned by the devastating power that Dungeons produces.

Our view over Dungeons

Boats in the distance, getting a good view point of the action

There were three surfers who were ambling along, waiting for a wave, when suddenly one caught them by surprise, crashed on them and sent boards and bodies all over the place. Some were unfortunate because successive waves came crashing down on their lives, and the support teams on jet ski’s were unable to reach them in time.

For the entire day, you could see boards being pulled out from the ocean, some of them broken, testament to the raw power that nature unleashes. Leashes were snapped and bones were broken, but these guys were out there for the love of the sport.

As much as you do something for a living and for the money, there is no way big wave surfing is focused on money for one second. I can think of millions of other ways to make money without risking my life at all. Office jobs won’t directly kill you.

Your boss might drive you insane and you might try off yourself, or your heart will attack you and you will die. You might even die as your boss sucks your life and soul out of you by paying you shit while he works from a laptop in the Bahamas. But the office walls are hardly going to come crashing down on you, smashing you to pieces while a rescue crew try and save you.

Big wave surfing will kill you if you are not at your peak. The ocean is your boss, and of you don’t treat him right, he will completely obliterate you. The waves are your office walls, and every single time you type a document, those walls come crashing down. Every time you make a phone call, or attempt any work, those walls will break apart all over your helpless body.

The 20 odd foot waves on Saturday are hardly the biggest waves ever surfed, but being there in person, it is scary to see how big 20 foot actually is. It’s 20 foot of power which you need to try control in a graceful manner. It’s not only about surviving, but about impressing the judges. One slip…and you’re gone. Imagine being in the office and you send in a document 3 seconds late and your boss fires you?

This is big wave surfing. Judge anything wrong by even so much as a second and you will come crashing down and might find yourself out of the next heat, and out of the competition.

But that’s the sport, it’s about who is best on the day. And as the competition has quite a fair window period, you need to be on top of your game throughout the waiting period. No easy feat…

It was one of the crazier days out and it was amazing to experience athletes of such a high calibre, it’s a definite must see event in Cape Town. For more information, videos, photos and results click BWA.

I also just want to say a big thanks to the sponsors Red Bull and everyone involved for making the event a success. From the marshals to the shuttle drivers, the team keeping a watch on the surfing conditions and all the support teams, you guys did a great job, I’m just happy the event got to take place this year with great surfing conditions!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I (“I” being 1.85m, ripped, tanned and toned- Call me Stacy) was browsing the internet the other day, as that pretty much sums up my job. I look for cool stuff! And I party around Cape Town and cause general mayhem wherever I go (Ask Kelvin Grove about Tuesday nights performance) I was looking for this whole organic vibe that everyone is on about at the moment.

Then I was looking at some products in my cupboard and reading the ingredients list, which sounded like a list to construct some sort of atomic bomb. Because my health largely depends on my lifestyle (Let’s forget about the drinking for a moment), and my lifestyle largely depends on what you get to read here every day, I thought it ONLY appropriate that I keep this body working!

I mean imagine…imagine for one day I got sick, your life would pretty much fall apart at the seams. I know… I love you back in the same way!

So I searched around on the Google application (You should try it- Absolutely amazing) and found myself over at this shop called Faithful to Nature. Ok it’s not actually a shop, but it’s on the internet. I don’t know how to explain this, but it kind of shows images to you in (Inside the computer- Insane) the computer, but you can order the products, and you get them in real life.

I know. I can’t get my mind around the concept either.You order a one dimensional product through your internet, and you get the real, usable product in real life.

I was looking for an organic aftershave to keep my skin as soft as a babies bum after dragging my Mach 33 over it. I haven’t touched a babies bum, so I can only go on reports from these “magazines” that are “in print” Interesting concept, not having your magazine online like we do. Very strange.

So I stumbled upon the “Green People Cool Down Moisturiser” It’s used as an aftershave and as an after sports/ sun cooling moisturiser.

I always find that my regular moisturiser makes me feel like I’m putting oil on my face after I have been at the beach all day, or out mountain biking. It makes me all sweaty, so I needed something to cool this engine of mine down.

And what a treat did I stumble upon. “Gorgeous” comes to mind, when trying to utter words on this products. It contains, amongst many other ingredients, aloe and mint to help soothe and cool the skin. You probably know that feeling after gym, where you put cream on your face and it feels too hot. I know, that’s why I’m here to guide you.

It’s not ideal to use everyday as it’s quite light, and makes your skin feel very cool. But it’s a treat, as I said earlier, for after sport, shaving or after bronzing it up on Clifton or Llandudno (God, I’m going to punish summer so hard this year)

And it’s organic, so there is none of that artificial rubbish being absorbed into your body which will probably make you live longer, which is not a bad thing.

While I was breaking the credit card out I also bought some Enchantrix Orange and Amaranth Hair and Body wash, which is ALSO organic. On the bottle it says it “will not harm the environment, the animals or you” and it doesn’t contain any petrochemicals or mineral oils.

And I think we can all nod in agreement, that’s a good thing!

Yeah that’s what I’m talking about!

It says that our bodies can absorb up to 60% of what we put onto them, and this excessive exposure to toxic chemicals in regular products has been linked to disease in people of all ages. And it’s not ideal to have your life membership cancelled, because you were using inferior products on that temple of a body of yours!

But that is not all, I took a little browse around for the ladies and stumbled upon some of the most DIVINE products I have ever seen. I nearly platzed when I saw how STUNNING they are!

I think my personal choice for the ladies (Because I think you are stunning) would be the Esse range, all organic and they are all packaged in very slick looking containers. And the products are not even expensive!

There are things such as the Esse deep moisturiser which, at R189 for 50ml’s, is actually cheap! The cream cleanser, at 100ml’s and selling for R87, is also cheap!

Esse – Like the Mexican gringos

The range looks so good that I would probably use it. You know…even though it’s a chicks range. I mean…not that I have used it before. I mean, clearly I don’t use moisturiser.

No! Are you crazy? I just eat red meat, drink beer and watch rugby. No seriously…you don’t believe me?

Oh…me neither.

I can’t go into all the detail here but I think this information is more than enough to help you live a healthier life that puts less strain on the environment. It’s an absolute pleasure finding out all this information for you. No really you don’t have to congratulate me.

No don’t be silly!

What?

The Nobel Peace Prize?

Come on that’s not necessary!

But I will take it. Thank you.

For the Faithful to Nature website, click HERE. They deliver within South Africa and also to Namibia, Botswana and Swaziland. I just want to buy everything on the website, but that would be a bit over the top.

Look, after this post, my reputation as a tough guy might take a bit of a beating. So to reinvent myself I’m off to the Kruger Park to shoot an elephant. Then I will probably fly to Dubai and get my drill out, and drill for some oil. Then I’m coming back on Friday so I can play rugby on Saturday. Apparently I’m replacing Nick Koster on the bench…

One last thing. Thank the Lord I have my Elton John and Phil Collins DVD’s to keep me entertained after the rugby.

What? I never said I have a Phil Collins and Elton John DVD!

Oh I did?

Whoopsie daisies!

What?

Guys don’t say whoopsie daisies?

Whoopsie daisies!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Nick Koster: Will run over you like a freight train

You might recall, we did an interview on the 9th of October 2007 over HERE with Nick Koster. Obviously you might already know the good news, but Nick has deservedly found himself on the bench for Saturdays Cape Derby against Boland at Newlands in Cape Town.

To briefly quote the Cape Argus:

Western Province’s teenage wonderboy Nick Koster, heir apparent as the next Bob Skinstad of South African rugby, is one short step away from making his Currie Cup debut after being named on the bench for Saturday’s Cape derby against Boland at Newlands.

Koster, prodigy of former WP director of rugby Nick Mallett, head boy of Bishops and WP Under-18 captain a year ago, and a post matric graduate to the WP Academy, was also a member of the SA team that played in the IRB Junior World Championships earlier this season

So I’d just like to congratulate Nick on this, and hopefully he will get to go out onto the field on Saturday, we’re all supporting you. Well done, you’ve earned it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Cape Town – Owners of luxury Cape Town properties are set to break into the money club over the period of the 2010 Soccer World Cup with rental prices set to triple, to the delight of luxury home owners.

So says Ric Meulemans, director of www.capetown-direct.com and owner of 2 luxurious villas he successfully rents in Constantia.

We chatted to Ric about the price increases of property rentals and whether people will be willing to pay such high prices considering the current economic climate worldwide, which finds itself unstable riding on the back end of of high oil prices.

“Well essentially the people that these properties cater towards are more interested in the quality of the rental, money is a secondary consideration. They will not be affected like most of the population with regards to oil hikes. You must remember that these people are coming from overseas, so the exchange rate is highly in their favour, and in their countries they are already wealthy, so factor in the exchange rate and they are basically royalty in Cape Town”

“Looking at our rental options, our villas are top of the line properties situated in the finest areas of Cape Town such as Hout Bay, Constantia and Camps Bay. We aren’t marketing houses in Kenilworth, we are selling movie star living in elite suburbs” Said Ric

Lambo or Ferrarri? Lambo or Ferrari? No, let’s get the Lear jet

“We are targeting the top end of the market and our villas are top tier places. You are paying for exclusivity and if our guests want a butler, or a chef from a top restaurant to cook for them, we will organise it for them. If they want bodyguards, or they want to charter a private jet to Plettenberg Bay for the day then we will take care of that. Essentially guests are paying for a professional service and a professional team. If they want to be driven to a wine farm in a Hummer for a wine tasting session, and then dropped back home in a helicopter, we will do it, but obviously it comes at a cost”

“You must remember that these people are used to living like royalty in the finest areas the world has to offer. For them, helicopters are nothing and private jets are their form of transport”

Veuve or Moet? Veuve or Moet? Honey, let’s just buy France

I also asked which would be the most popular areas in Cape Town for rentals.

“Our enquiries are mainly focused around the following areas”, says Ric:

Camps Bay

Hout Bay

Clifton

Constantia

“Another thing that the general public forget is that major corporations will also send their top directors down for the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Let’s say, for example, Coca-Cola decide to send their major directors down to Cape Town for the 2010 Soccer World Cup, they will obviously be looking for top accommodation and will pay no matter what the cost. For these types of companies, this spending is nothing in comparison to their turnover and profits”

“To give you an idea, Carpe Diem, a villa in Camps Bay, could fetch 100k (ZAR) per day come World Cup time”

Ric’s parting quote sums it all up:

“There are no bad times for these clients. Oil can rise to $300 a barrel and they are still going to be drinking Moet at their Clifton villa while a sushi chef prepares their meal and the Lambo sits in the driveway”

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Four things consume my weekends:

1) Shagging supermodels

2) Drinking alcohol

3) Staying in luxury accommodation

4) Dancing

Sean Lloyd: Wednesday Nights: FTV Bar Cape Town

And so I didn’t have too much time to read the newspaper this weekend, but my Butler, Barton (More on him later) delivered me the weekends papers today, Monday 21 July 2008 and insisted I read them. I insisted he bring me a bottle of wine (Which I later spilled on the carpet) while I go about my job of writing and inspiring the Cape Town masses.

I was fairly bored with the news as I actually had no interest in anything in this country if it didn’t have something to do with luxury and excess.

I ended up meandering to page 13 of the Weekend Argus where I cracked wood because there was an article that had blood rushing from my overworked brain directly to my Jack Johnson, which produced a magnificent bone.

I stumbled upon an article entitled “Clubbers combat climate change” with a byline of “Dance floor to generate electricity”

To quote:

“Cape Town clubbers will soon be doing their bit to save the environment by dancing the night away in the world’s second multi-million rand eco-friendly club”

“A ‘sustainable’ club will open in the city in September”

“The vibrations caused by dancing bounce off springs in the dance floor into a series of power generating blocks. Through a process known as piezoelectricity, the blocks, which are made of crystals, produce an electric current when squashed.”

The man behind these clubs, which are known as Club4Climate, estimated that if clubbers were to dance vigorously all night, the dance floor could supply about 60% of the club’s electricity needs.

It’s quite a radical idea and personally, I’m amped for it.

The club’s water requirements will be harvested rain water, and instead of a dress code to enter the club, party goers will be required to sign a pledge at the door to help save the environment and fight global warming. The club will also include waterless urinals, solar panels and wind turbines.

Apparently the club will cost more than R60 million to set up.

In my personal opinion, I don’t think this will combat global warming at all. I have been known to heat up to over five times the natural human body temperature whilst dancing. Some people call me the “Sun God” while dancing and I have been known to raise the temperatures of the females in the club to such an extent that they douse themselves in Smirnoff Spin. Some even believe old age is coming on and complain of hot flushes.

Don’t blame me, hater.

The reason most people don’t recognise me in night clubs is because I am sometimes mistaken for John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

And the rumour that I have banged 100 runway models in Cape Town?

It’s not a rumour.

But I really believe in this idea and I’m really excited for it to come to Cape Town. I think it’s brilliant that Cape Town is heading on the eco-friendly direction. I personally, even though I am excessive, believe in recycling and helping the environment because Cape Town is running out of landfill space, and the planet is in Dire States (Excuse me, I was listening to Dire Straits on DVD)

I’m hectically excited to try out this club when it opens in Cape Town, and no doubt SLXS will be the first to try it out. I guarantee I can produce as much energy in an hour as Koeberg would produce in a week.

I’m that smoking hot.

I’m really impressed though that Cape Town is seen as a destination for projects like these, as it is something that I am passionate abou, and pretty much recycle anything I can in my house. More on that later…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Firstly…if you place an order with Fitfuel (Until the end of July), mention SLXS in the comments field and you will receive a free protein bar (Not a protein shot…you are SO naughty!)

Do you want me to spank you my sweet cheeks?

You do?!

Get over here!

Mmmmm lacy lingerie…

Anyway…and more importantly…I was meaning to post this a while back but then it slipped my mind because I was too busy trying to think of what’s her name from the previous night. Then it slipped further into the dark abyss of my fragile mind as people kept on sending me free gifts, alcohol being one of them.

Liquor Ranch gave us enough booze to sink the Titanic for our birthday, and instead of sinking a cruise liner, it’s quite evident we sank ourselves! I can’t remember much of the past two months but from reports it has been a cracker. Sophie won’t stop calling me and it’s evident we have another stage 5 clinger. Abort mission! Assume the foetal position! GET OUT!

So what I was meaning to tell you is that we are giving away a bottle of Veuve Clicquot for our first birthday which was actually on the…Um…I think it was in May actually. And I tell you what, it’s magical stuff! It’s probably around R300 a bottle, R350, I don’t know, it’s not like I pay for it! My body usually rids itself of one bottle at least twice a week. I can’t help that I get given free booze! It’s a side effect of the lifestyle I suppose. In fact it’s more of a side benefit!

Veuve Clicquot: In and around your mouth 

Ok…and I know this might seem like I’m a bit of an idiot, and that I love women…

But…this competition is not actually open to guys. And it’s only open to women in Cape Town. We will have a competition later for guys and we will give away something manly. Like a beer keg. I’m serious. We will. Have I ever lied to you?

For now what we need is for the women to be wide awake. What you need to do is write the words “Happy birthday SLXS” anywhere on your body. We are not judging. If you want to write it on your boobies, or your bum (Front bum included), then so be it. Then take a photo of this, and we will pick our favourite photo and publish it here on SLXS (We won’t mention your name, if you so desire), so do keep that in mind.
What’s more, is that I, accompanied by my partner in crime, Charlie V, will hand deliver the gift, TO YOUR DOOR! I’m not joking. Even more astonishing is that we will deliver it to your work if that is what you desire.

Come on…a bottle of the bubbly(We will throw in a pack of USN Energy Spike to mix it with), two Cape Town guys, and hand delivery(Uh…of the booze). Which means you will get to meet the team behind SLXS. The masters of party. The masters of excess. See what makes us tick. Get inside our minds. See if we really have day jobs. See if we are real. Feel my razor sharp cheekbones. Many chicks would vomit up a Caesar salad for an opportunity like this.

So that is it girls. Get your entries in! You have two weeks so entries close on about the 4th of August.

See you on the town.

Oh yes…just touch it.

What?

Touch it.

Hey?

You’re beautiful.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I received an e-mail from an associate that had me quite excited. Being into mountain biking myself (Yes yes…I don’t only drink alcohol) I am intrigued.

USN and New Balance are sponsoring the X-Roads duathlon series which consists of a 5km run and an 18km mountain bike ride, or a 25 km road bike ride and a 2.5km run. From what I understand it’s a run/ bike/ run format(Although I have just had a bottle of red wine)

The flyer says it takes place on 24 August 2008, as well as the 28th of September 2008 and the 2nd of November 2008.

However, more information can be found over HERE at the Atlantic Triathlon Club.

You can also enter HERE on Entrytime.

I think this is a great deal to get you into the summer sporting vibe. I don’t want any of you looking less than your best come summer time, and this sort of exercise places you in an environment of like minded people who want to have fun, be healthy and yet still have a bit of a competitive streak going.

I’m pretty sure there will be a couple of angels in their tight suits as well…not that you should need that to motivate you to exercise…

I’m just saying.

Throwing it out there.

Take it…or leave it. The ball is in your court.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Sometimes I mention articles, and readers e-mail me asking what is happening with them, and so here I am to update you:

1) I still do have an interview coming up, with someone quite clever

2) We are still giving away a booze prize (Ladies)

3) I am still writing on “Wally” and “Harley”

But as my life is quite busy, important, exciting and fulfilling, sometimes I struggle to fit it all in.

But it’s still all coming up…hush…

Sleep tight child…

I love you…

xxx

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I absolutely LOVE stories like this one! You might recall sometime ago, some absolute legend was found floating in the sea off the Irish coast, surrounded by, oh..um…R1 billion worth of cocaine! Can you imagine? That must be absolutely hilarious. Rescue crews are used to finding people on trees, or in life rafts, but to be floating on bags of cocaine, you are a special kind of special! (Click HERE for the story)

The Po-Po pleased with a catch of R1 billion!

Anyway, our boy Martin Wanden had been living the true excess lifestyle in Cape Town, but a little bit beyond the usual realms that SLXS might promote. Basically he was this cocaine king and decided that Cape Town would be a nice little point to enjoy his drug money. And Cape Town is a great place to enjoy your money, as we all know. But Martin Wanden had gone overboard and was basically boning his wife fuelled by drug money. I assume he boned his wife…

So they find him, clinging to life on bags of cocaine off the Irish coast. Funny enough, him clinging to life was basically him clinging not to his lavish life of old, but to his new life of taking it up the ass with no lube. Awesome!

It’s funny how quickly things change. I mean just the other day I was having a threesome with some supermodels from Brazil, who were on assignment in Cape Town. Now I’m stuck dating a lousy American supermodel, but I take what I can get.

I think Martin Wanden would rather have died off the Irish coast as high as a kite than die sober in a prison with a staunch one in his zero. I mean that would be my choice…surrounded by cocaine…floating in the ocean with the suns rays beaming down on me…in fact that could have been the perfect way to go. But Martins survival instincts kicked and and he would not give up. I will not die today (I think Leo said this in “The Beach”) Martin Wanden will never go on to star in The Beach like Leo, but he will be the bee-atch who will have some guy in him.

I would have taken gulps of sea water and cocaine and gone peacefully like Leo did in Titanic. Leo even came back to life and got to bone Gisele Bundchen a couple of years later. And then Bar Rafaeli. Sometimes dying just seems like the right option. You might not come back to shag 100 virgins, but two super- supermodels would be fine for me thanks!

To quote the Sunday Times:

“SA authorities hope the luxury home, which boasts a spa-bath, a wraparound terrace with a pool, four-car garage and views of the coast, will fetch around R14 million”

Martin Wanden’s Cape Town house in Llandudno

Martin Wanden’s other lair in Hout Bay, Cape Town

Not too bad Nige! I would buy it and rent it out all year round as a Cape Town villa, you will make some good cash. I was at Villa Lara the other day in Llandudno, and I’m sure that’s a cool R20000 per day. You know…obviously I don’t know too much about Cape Town villas…I’m not really in the industry…but we have connections.

But anyway the house in Llandudno, Cape Town, will be auctioned off on August 8, 2008 at 12h00 by ClareMart auction. The auction will take place on site at 4 Sandy Bay Road Llandudno. The next show date for the property is Sunday 27 July 2008 from 2pm – 5pm.

Funny enough, we hang out in the same areas as Martin Wanden did, to those interested. Click HERE to see Casa del Holiday, where we spend our summers in Llandudno. And click HERE for Villa Sandenbergh, where we host our parties in Hout Bay. RAD!

For more information on the auction of Martin Wanden’s coke lair please click HERE.

I knew you would like to know this, nothing captures the imagination quite like drugs and luxury houses in Cape Town!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Ok we are doing a few small updates which I probably should tell you about. Nothing hectic at all. As you will see we are adding the various bookmarking widget things, but they are supposed to be at the bottom of each article, but they are on the side of the screen at the moment, not ideal but iBob is on it as I have absolutely no knowledge of this whole business on computers. I just write. And booze.

Also, I should have links on the side of my page, but for some reason they don’t work so I’m adding a page under “Pages” on the left hand column called “What we read”

I must be honest, there are not a lot of blogs that I read. I’m so vain, narcissistic, whatever it is that for a while I only read my articles. I still do. And I still laugh at them and think “If I were a chick reading this, I would want to smash the guy writing these pieces”

So that would be me. You want to smash me.

Anyway here are my choices:

2oceansvibe – This was the first blog I ever read, and still one of my favourite choices. Cape Town, sex, champagne, million rand cars, expensive number plates and plenty of humour, Seth brings the A-game to writing on 2oceansvibe. A pearler of a read and an influence to many blogs, you will see Seth’s style copied on many blogs, and from time to time we will use words, quotes or humour that originated on 2oceans, such is the hilarity of the writing.
Shaun Oakes – I started reading Shaun Oakes after he commented on a post on a site called Joblog many times ago, where I said they were boring. I followed his link, arrived at the home of Cape Town’s favourite son and never left. Shaun’s writing will sometimes leave you with a feeling of “what the hell just happened”, but it is normal for you to feel like that and you should embrace it.

The House of Marketing – I found out about this when Shane commented on one of my posts, followed the link and landed at their brilliant marketing website. I’m not one to follow this marketing vibe at all, and I hate these so called “marketing professionals” and “Web 2.0 professionals” because everyone is suddenly a professional at what they do. There are obviously guys in the field who are good at what they do (Dave Duarte etc), but it seems everyone is a “professional” and an “expert” Just because I studied journalism, I don’t go around calling myself a “Writing expert” or “Writing professional” I’m a writer, that’s what I do.

I also drink.

Anyway, The House of Marketing had me sold at a post they wrote over HERE, mentioning drugs and spit roasts. My type of humour, my type of site!

And those are the only sites I read actually. Those are my daily visits, and between us and them, you will never go a day without something interesting to read and laugh at.

Also, because I can’t live this lifestyle by myself, there is an entourage section in the left column where we will be adding the profiles of the various people who help us every day to make us who we are.

And that is all for the moment, thanks everyone.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

One thing I try to do in my various capacities as the editor of this battleship is to interact amongst the beautiful people of Cape Town, gathering various girls phone number, creating vast networks of contacts and basically just trying to live like a rockstar.

The other night I’m at this house party in Cape Town, chatting to the little angels, mingling, drinking champagne (Ok sparkling wine, we weren’t at that type of party) and this chick is going on about how winter dries out her skin. I didn’t quite know why she was telling me this, because I was about as interested in the conversation as I am in getting acupuncture on my balls.

By this time (I had been there for a couple of hours before her) I was fairly in the swing of things, at least a bottle down and was trying to make my breakaway from her. Make no mistake, she was extremely beautiful, but I was losing interest as more words came out of her mouth.

I was thinking of an escape plan and had planned on doing a ninja bomb. I would say I need to make a phone call, then just leave the party, and rather try again next week at some other party. Suddenly it was as if the Gods had shone a light down on me and I was blessed with this innate knowledge of what women find interesting. All the while I was thinking of this, our girl (What’s mine is yours) had still been jabbering away.

And then…”bla bla bla”…and…”this cream doesn’t work”…and…”I think the government should”…and…”why are all guys such idiots”.

There was absolutely no way a ninja bomb would work because this girl could just not close her mouth. It would have been difficult to get a word in, or even difficult to merely get a letter in.

I had to be clever, and offer something to her that she could connect on. At this point of the one sided conversation she was now going on about how dry her lips (Facial) were.

I then recalled this time where I had been using (This may or may not be true) Elizabeth Ardens eight hour cream for quite a while, because it is just great for everything. Dry washboard abs, dry manly stubble covered chiselled cheekbones and so on and so fifth.

So I said to her

“You should really try Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream ”

Eight hour cream: Fixed my skin but ruined the possible pants party

She stopped, and for a second while she was quiet I knew she was playing with the thought of leaving with me, or even just lunging for me right there.

“Oh my God, how do you know that?”

Now there comes a point in every mans life where he has gotten too clever, or too confident for himself. That point in my life came last week. I thought I could get away with the “I’m straight, but know a lot of girlie stuff” vibe. That whole metrosexual thing. But I think actually admitting to knowing about Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream was where I had reached my pinnacle. From there I definitely could have scored.

But I go and do something stupid.

“Well I actually use it myself”

“Oh…” Came her reply.

“Well not in the last couple of weeks, but I used to use it lot” I said, backtracking a tiny bit.

“Oh that’s really cool” She said, now looking at me, thinking that I was in all likelihood gay.

From there she stopped talking so much which was an absolute blessing, but she also stopped showing even the slightest bit of interest. Her coat, which was next to her, was now put over her lap, covering her crossed legs and little black dress.

And then once she had obviously, in her head, assumed I was gay, even more talk of girls stuff came out. Jeez Louise, we were onto facial cleansers, toners, epilation and all the rest of that rubbish.

I quietly took my phone out my pocket, pretended to take a call and said I would be back in 5 minutes.

I walked outside, got into the car and left alone…

The moral of the story is that every guy should know how to offer advice on really girlie things. Talk about the GHD, talk about Elizabeth Arden eight hour cream (Chicks are impressed when you know about this one, as they all know it and it’s popular)

Just don’t admit to using the cream.

Because you do want to score don’t you?

Obviously my use of eight hour cream bears some link to my use of Simply Aloe regenerating gel (90% organic aloe ferox) which is perched on my beauty shelf.

In fact I don’y even know if you are supposed to use it on your face, but the face pays the bills so it’s worth putting aloe on it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Ok so what happened last night was that I decided to be good and actually, for once in my life, try to be productive and get some work done. I had poured some wine, cooked some food and was busy writing when I got a call from none other than Andy B!

I chatted to him and he asked what I was doing. Obviously I make out as though I live excessively every night of the week so I said that I was just having a pants party, and that there were 5 angels waiting in a bubble bath with the Veuve we are about to give away.

He said that sounded cool, but he had something better. He had guest list and VIP access for us at Hemisphere.

“Sweet, I’ll tell these chicks to dry off and wait for sugar daddy while he hits Hemisphere”

So I left all the birds at home, and told them they could go wild on the booze, play TV games, smother each other in gravy and whatever else it is that they like to do.

I musked up with some Armani Black Code, put on my blue suede shoes and got into the VR3 for some heart pounding speed.

I sent it the whole way to the Cape Town city centre where I had to go the the 31st floor of the ABSA building, which is where Hemisphere finds itself perched.

I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I will tell you that the bathrooms are sharp. Everytime you wash your hands, you get a fresh towel. Like, they must go through a kazillion (Give or take a few) towels every night.

They also have this cool thing on the slips, where it says “Take the lift not the window”

Being 31 floors up, the last thing you want to do is fall and break your collarbone, or chip a nail, and then still have to drive the Aston Martin home.

Pistol Pete also had himself talking to a girl of sorts, so I took a photo as evidence that he actually doesn’t get pre-race nerves. He was holding a proper conversation. She didn’t like me taking photos of her though, as can be seen:

I like them mean. Makes taming them a greater challenge.

They also serve Skyy vodka (Inside me) which is a change from Russian Bull Terrier.

On our way out we decided on a little impromptu photo shoot on the Aston Martin. God we gave it a good rev. Those pistons pump. It rides like a sweet dream.

And next week we will chat about the car…

Sometimes it’s tough leading my lifestyle.

Ooooh another angel. I hate my life.

Check out the Hemisphere website HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

(I wrote this last night, do excuse me, never had time to do the pictures, I was going to Hemisphere, more on that later)

So as you all know, I drove the sixty odd rand to Franschhoek on the weekend to attend a soiree vibe and drink lots of wine. None of this happened and so in the interests of making this interesting (See what I did there? Me neither) I decided to pop down to the bottle store and get a bottle of wine. I settled on the Nederburg Baronne, not trying to be too fancy, just trying to get mildly to moderately in the mood to write something of substance.

So the vibe is right now, Woolworths cooked the chicken tonight, and all I have to do is cook the organic sweet potatoes. Contrary to popular belief I don’t lead a totally excessive lifestyle in that manner. I had a classical chicken salad for lunch, and dinner is sweet potatoes and chicken. The only let down on the health side are the various drinks that my body consumes, but I think you can forgive me for that. At least I don’t eat McDonalds chubby cheeks.

So that previous paragraph is for those who delight in finding the inner details of this wild lifestyle I lead.

The VR3 was filled with fuel on Saturday morning, and oddly enough I was in decent shape for a Saturday morning. I didn’t bend it too hard the previous night. I decided I would do a two phase trip to Franschhoek, firstly by driving to Casa del Jerry in Stellenbosch, where we would then change chariots and get into the Black Viper (Write up to come soon, but it’s the successor to THE BOMBER!)

I arrived at Casa del Jerry to find someone on the couch, not hungover, but still drunk. Apparently Fiction in town was the cause of the mornings pain. And shame.

Jerry D was in fine shape that morning and he looked fresh, but he doesn’t drink wine so I was let down there.

We strapped ourselves in and programmed the GPS to direct us to the French Corner. For a bit of fun, we had the chick on the GPS talk in Dutch. Like not South African dutchman, but egter Nederlandse taal.

Ja de koperslager! I do know little bits of Dutch, holding a Dutch passport myself, thank you very much!

We definitively proved that Al Gore is a liar on the trip up to French Corner. And as all our readers know, liars go to hell. Check this picture out of this so called “global warming” phenomenon.

To me that looks like snow. The air was cold outside like it was snowing. Unless it was proper Columbian blow on that mountain top, it was definitely snow!

Our first sign that the day was going pear shaped was the traffic. On a Saturday afternoon. Going into Franschhoek.

I was mildly annoyed that this was happening, and told GPS bitch to find a new route. She couldn’t. All she could do was give us an alternate route that would have found us going through the south of Thailand, before catching a boat back to Cape Town, mooring off of Clifton 4th beach, swimming to shore and taking the helicopter back to Franschhoek. Personally, I didn’t have the energy for that.

Eventually we get into Franschhoek and realise that it’s proper festival. In that everyone and their dog was there. The first school boy error was that I never checked the festival schedule. I assumed that due to the good name I cultivated in Cape Town, someone there would know me, and obviously let me drink for free and possibly give me a hand around behind the tent while I eat some ham or something.

The crowds, with Diamond’s Liquor Store in the background. NICE!

Unfortunately for this good sir, I was not in such luck. We arrived at the tent and I was standing behind a smoking belter, so I pitched a tent of my own. Well a marquee anyway.

Thinking that it was all free, and that a slip of my business card would have people falling at my feet, I thought the situation would be easy.

We found out that entrance into the tent was R100, and there were 4 of us. That’s R400. Obviously. Now one of the team didn’t drink wine, another was hanging like the Mona Lisa which left myself and Nedine as the only ones wanting to get absolutely shattered in the sun. Which would have made it boring for the other two.

So we decided to take a meander along the streets and find a quaint little restaurant where I could shuck oysters and swirl wine in this delicate mouth of mine. Once again it was a proper festival and EVERYONE was in Franschhoek, and so all the restaurants were full.

To me it was like holding a t-bone steak (Not in any way related to Tommy “T-bone” Lee or Kid “Minute steak” Rock) in front of a rottweiller, but not actually giving the steak to the dog.

I was surrounded by, at a conservative guesstimate, MILLIONS of litres of wine. We were in wine country. We were at the melting pot of millions of litres of liquidy goodness, and yet I could not get hold of a drink. All I could get without going to a restaurant or the wine tent, was beer and things like “Skelter”, some citrus-drink-vibe-effort-thing.

Not one drop of wine passed my lips the entire day. I was bleak about this but came to realise I never liked the French much anyway, what with their constant jabbering of “Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-beeeee!” and “Gooday mate!”

It irritates me. So I decided to be the manly, steak eating, beer drinking man that I am (Or am not. Can you say amn’t? No? Why not?)

So I headed to the Biltong Bar, which oddly enough had the French colours on it. It’s like the Voortrekkers invading the French winelands on their trekkers (Tractors the the layperson)

But actually one of the main reasons why I didn’t go to the restaurants, or into the tent, is because anything with a calorific value had been consumed. Wine, food, everything, by someone called “Landfill” Check, check, check him out:

Enjoy the kids reaction to Landfill, on the right. Spectacular!

Absolutely stunning. And so we end off one of my more mediocre pieces, as I end off this bottle of wine, and this bottle of wine ends off me.

Prost! (As the French like to say)

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m not going to go too much into this, but the website Wantitall are PROPERLY expensive. I was looking around at a few Microsoft X-Box systems, went onto Wantitall and saw the middle of the range X-Box with a 20GB hard drive. In the shops in Cape Town it sells for R3000.

Wantitall’s price?

R6324.

Unbelievable.

Check it HERE.

Clearly Wantitall do wantitall, including your cash.

Sean Lloyd

Editor