I sometimes think of these little gems while doing random things. The other day the herd were having lunch and we were thinking of more terrible ways to end relationships(We spoke about it a while back over HERE). A classic was sending a girl an sms saying “I’ve been thinking…”

When she asks what about you say “About our relationship, I think we should start seeing other people”

So she will reply something like “Oh so you’re just going to break up with me by sms? Are you not man enough to call me?”

That’s when you say “Of course I’m going to call you, but my free minutes only start at 8pm, so I will call you after that”

Needless to say, you won’t even need to make the call, so you can save those free minutes for calling your mates and organising a massive house party.

Then an absolute blinder came into my head, just as I was sipping my water, and looking at the angel across the way from me.

You load a video onto YouTube of you saying that the relationship is over and whatever else. Then some smoker comes on screen and feeds you strawberries while pouring you a nice chilled flute of champagne. It fades out as your new girlfriends top magically disappears to show the greatest set of twins on the planet.

You then send your now ex bird the link saying “Hey babe check this RAD link out!”

How awesome would that be? You would be living like a rock star. Living like they do in Entourage!

I must state once again that I have never done this, but just give yourself a bit of a sense of humour here. Forget about peoples feelings for a moment and imagine how hilarious this would be? Ha ha ha! And it’s great because girls and guys can do it.

I think I might have started a new YouTube trend here!

That’s what I do…I start trends.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was thinking the other day of who uses more electricity in the world, males or females. Obviously it’s impossible to calculate(Because my brain is the size of a small squirrels), but we can draw up a fun table to see how each of the sexes abuse the world’s energy situation. From oil to coal, we are cleaning up at a rapid rate! In the first part of this two part series (If I feel like writing the second part…probably not), we look at men. That’s me!

We don’t recycle and then say things like “Recycle. What? That’s gay!”

We only work hard, so we can afford money for big cars and private jets in order to impress the chicks. Uglier guys use more fuel than good looking guys(Me) because they need a private jet to impress the ladies. Whereas in my case I can drive a terrible car but to pull the angels I just use my super chiselled cheek bones, cheese grater abs and slightly dry twist of humour all the while sipping on a rare whisky. That’s right, you read that all correctly.

We do extreme fuel abusing sports. From car racing, to motorbike racing, to wakeboarding, to flying fighter jets, the more fuel we use the more extreme we are. Our fuel use is almost directly proportional to our score rate. The more fuel we use, the more titties we get to see.

Chicks dig it

We like to get away. While girls are sometimes happy with just chilling round the pool at the apartment, guys freak out when they are in the city too long, and just pack up and go on massive road trips across the country. Because they can. While on road trips they use petrol to make fires and also make petrol bombs with old t-shirts and beer bottles. Once again, only because they can.

We make huge braais. Sometimes, and this is no joke, I will use two or three bags of wood to cook a few pieces of chicken. Because I like to sit around watching the first two bags burn down while I try hammer my way through a case of beer. Then on the last bag, I will cook my chicken. And then watch the rest of the coals burn out while I try hammer my way through the bottle of Absolut vodka.

One piece of chicken? Don’t pan fry it, coal braai it!

I still find it amazing to this day that myself and my guy friends can have a get together and just chill. We invite all the girls and while they sit inside, no doubt talking about us and what idiots we are, telling their friends that we need to make more money, drink less, do more work around the house and whatever else…15 of my guy mates and myself can just stare into the flames while getting absolutely broken on home brewed beer…with no drama whatsoever. We don’t have to say a word…there is a mutual understanding that standing at the braai with a beer is a good time, interpsersed with the odd grabbing of a piece of boerie, looking towards the girls and shouting “Want some of this?” which is met by replies of “God you guys are disgusting!” and “I’m not your girlfriend tonight”

Throw 15 girls into a room and they need to get the low down on everyone…and inevitably one of them ends up crying about boyfriend problems even though their boyfriend treats them so well you would think they are royalty.

Older guys drive everywhere. Many years spent drinking beer while watching the fire burn down lead to conditions such as arthritis and gout. Unable to possibly walk to the shop, we drive, using up loads of fuel in the process.

We like imported things. While girls are happy buying wine from a local winery, or drinking Savannah which is locally produced, guys like real manly drinks. I like my whisky to come from Scotland and America(Whiskey), and I like my vodka to come from Sweden. I also like my women to come from Brazil. With a Brazilian…I thank you!

We just like to eat meat. It’s well known that to rear animals takes up a lot of resources, and eating vegetarian is kinder to the planet. Men like to eat steak and drink beer(I meant to say funnel beer). But this is negated by the fact that men live shorter lives due to these dietary choices. We have massive heart attacks at the age of 50, while women like to live until about 90. And in these 40 years, they use a lot of the worlds resources(Especially mens money)

We fly across the world to visit girls. They broke up with us when they moved away or we moved away. They kept in contact, saying they still love us. We made lots of money so we could afford plane tickets to get overseas. We get overseas and find out they have been shagging Antonio, the greasy Italian who works at the pizza joint. My God…what a waste of petrol!

We burn everything. It’s so much fun to burn things. Guys just get together and burn old stuff. That wooden chair that you inherited from your grandparents but is ugly as sin? Don’t sell it, burn it! And release C02 into the atmosphere.

We like to blow things up. Look at wars all around the world. Guys just like to use fuel to make bombs and blow things up. For no particular reason. George Bush however does have a reason- To get his hands on more oil! Which will then be used to abuse the planet even more.

We go into industries that use lot’s of oil because there is lots of money to be made in these industries. We do this to make money to impress all the beautiful girls. Eventually we make loads of money only to be rejected by these girls because we are in a “dirty” business. Then these girls go shack up with Bruno, the ugliest man in the world who was at school with you and was 1st team chess and a 1st team mathlete. He went on to find out a way to effectively store electricity from wind and solar farms and then put it into the national grid on demand. Now he gets the hot girl and we quietly take a box of rat poison and wash it down with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

We invent cool things. All the coolest stuff in the world has been invented by men. I’m actually just taking a wild guess but it’s probably semi true. Cool things use loads of power. It’s a curse…

We don’ think “Local is lekker” we think “Foreign means no worryin’!” We are convinced foreign products are better and that’s why we like to use dirty shipping to get our hands on products that are only available overseas.

We like to have extreme mind adventures. Drinking absinthe is the most fun you can have without really doing drugs. Imported absinthe makes you see fairies. Guys enjoy this sort of stuff, and therefore import products, just so their minds can see things that are not there. Girls will just do bus loads of cocaine and champagne. I guess these cancel each other out.

Guys watch extreme movies. While girls enjoy tame, soppy rubbish like the Notebook(Admittedly, most guys did cry. Obviously not me. I cried tears of rusty CV joints) and Must Love Dogs(Gay), us guys like to see Tom Cruise in movies where there are lot’s of explosions caused by oil that the earth has painstakingly produced over millions of years. We also like to see Marky Mark Wahlberg blowing things up in Shooter, because it’s fun and makes us feel alive.

We enjoy the smell of petrol. I never want to fill my car up with corn, or sugar ethanol or any of that stuff. I don’t want an electric car. I want to sit there and get high on proper petrol, from the earth. I want to stop my car at the petrol station after sitting in an hours worth of traffic. I want to arrive in a bad mood. I then want to sit there while the tank gets filled and inhale real petrol fumes. I want to get high, so that when I leave I am in a good mood and I don’t drive home. I fly home.

This is the world I envision. A real tough guy, Chuck Norris world.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

One of the SLXS crew members based in Stellenbosch received this invite to a party last week. Probably one of the many reasons why people are now doing 3 year degrees in 6 years and why parents can expect to not get any returns on the money they spend on their kids in their first year of university. They should know that first year is like a money drain because whatever you put in, you won’t see again. It’s also the reason why many conservative girls end up studying at Stellenbosch and a year later they are drinking harder than Ronnie Wood and shagging like race horses.

Ahhhh…the student days 

Hey…it happens…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

The South African Wakeboard champs arrived in Cape Town this year for the very first time, and obviously we were there to witness it and hang out with South Africa’s top riders which was quite a novel idea. I stated that if I went to this event, I wanted to roll first class, and this was all catered for. I wanted access to the top riders, the boats…everything. So that’s what happened, we kicked it old school.

We had organised to go through with Andrew Bourne, the 2007 Western Province wakeboard champion. Andy is suffering with a knee injury though and is still going to be out of riding for a couple of months, so we had the privilege of chilling with him and watching the event. Andy had also introduced us to Gina and Shaun Faccio, the dynamite brother sister pair who we will be talking about later.

The first day was a bit of a slow start for the SLXS crew as we had partied until 4:30am on Saturday morning. The reason we partied so late was that…well we did not really have anything else to do at that time of the day. What do people do at that time? We work in the day (2 hours) and then party at night. We don’t ever stop. This is normal for us and we usually recover in due time for a fresh start to a week. However we had to be up only three hours later at 7:30am in order to get to Rietvlei to watch the riders. So we drove through in the Bourne2Ride chariot, with myself sitting silent the whole drive there, unable to comprehend the utter feeling of despair and pain permeating through my body. It felt like there was a little man in my head, kicking my eyeballs from the back. After all we had partied with The Pimp Herd the night before, and these nights never end easily.

Upon arrival it was obviously necessary to get a boat in the water.Everyone else was sitting on dry land, but it was necessary for us to not be “everyone else” The X-Star got it’s boots in the water and we all jumped in, and took the cruise to the other side of the vlei to see what was going on. We pumped the music out of a sound system on the X-Star that could shatter the windows in my house. Being a sporting event everyone was in awesome shape and quite healthy. Seeing as though we are in awesome shape and healthy, we decided that we could safely put back a beer at 11am. We were in for a long day and definitely needed the carbs, as athletes do. Here we show you what two real athletes look like:

It’s this type of laid back lifestyle that keeps us all so youthful and allows us to keep on living the lifestyle. While most companies go through employees like they do sugar and coffee, we just keep rolling at a nice even pace(Read: Lightspeed) If it’s an excess lifestyle that you are after, but one that at the same time is relaxed and filled with the best things in Cape Town, then SLXS is the place to be. It gets crazy at times with minimal work being done and maximal partying being done.

While we chilled on the boat Andy made use of his USN sponsorship and took along a case of USN Energy Spike. But not in the small cans, he went for a case of the man sized 440ml cans. Enough caffeine to kill a horse, floor a family and power a jet, it was the fuel of the weekend. The new cans are perfectly suited to us, because the smaller cans were just never enough for our powerful bodies that were actually designed, engineered and built upon the blueprint of the the behemoths in the movie 300.

One of the testers comments on the new 440ml USN Spike was “I’m actually battling to blink right now” Which summed up the Spike experience. I thought I was in America when I saw Cape Towns sickest mullet, obviously paying homage to Billy Ray Cyrus. It was a beautiful piece of work. A classic case of the “Office party” Short on the back and sides for work, and long and flowing at the back for the party! I’m guessing he uses Redken- The womens range- to keep those locks in order. True artistry like this deserves to be mentioned to the world.

I AM THE YETI!

Rietvlei is also home to some natural phenomena that no one can explain. Al Gore and Stephen Hawking would even be humbled by the true power of the earth and it’s ecosystems. We sometimes think that the earth is not capable of thought, but it is. Like in the sand, it thought it would be funny to position sand particles in such a way as to resemble a part of the male anatomy. Obviously just having a bit of class clown session with us.

Naughty sand

It was hilarious, the earth was recognising what we had drawn on the chalk boards at school! It know that we found it funny and thought that it would humour us a bit. Thanks Rietvlei, you are a laugh! A giant penis. Awesome.

We arrived with Gina and Shaun Faccio, who are from Joburg and were down here to compete. They were staying with Andy and we were rolling with them and what I did not realise is how awesome they were. If I were a top athlete I would stand on the ABSA building in town and let everyone know that I’m a top athlete. I would shun sponsorship deals and instead just plaster my name all over my clothing and all over my car. There is something cool about being an athlete that would make me feel powerful. Gina and Shaun however are different. I spent the whole of Saturday with them and I didn’t even realise that they were seriously talented athletes.

We spoke about everything except their actual careers, which was kind of cool. We spoke parties, parties, parties…then we spoke about Joburg and Cape Town. We spoke about Coke Light and eye drops(Thanks Peter) We spoke about the actual event and we spoke about how cool it was to just be in Cape Town, in the sun, while some other people were probably in a tube in London thinking “I hate my life” We couldn’t complain because we were loving life!

The first day was kind of slow as we were bent from beating the night clubs on the head with a stick the night before. While the athletes went to bed early, we also went to bed early. I count 4:30am as early. Rolling with South Africas top wakeboarders is kind of like having a crack sandwich in the morning- once it starts your day off, you never want it to end! It’s a bit of a thrill ride as they live a lifestyle that office workers can only dream of- That of seeing sun all the time!

Plus the benefits of being an extreme athlete mean that you will never struggle to hook up with the opposite sex.

In my case girls ask “So what do you do?”

“Well actually honey muffin, I’m a writer”

This is usually enough to warrant them to take the double vodka and Red Bull I have just bought them, and walk off. My new vibe is this: You’re single, that’s why you’re speaking to me with your tabs hanging out. As a single person, you are normally buying your own drinks anyway, so if you want to speak to me, then you can buy your own drinks as well. Do I really have to spend R50 to talk to you? Look at yourself, you’re a seven…If I’m talking to an 11 I might consider spending the R50. But even then I probably won’t. It’s not being rude or arrogant, it’s just that, why do girls never pay for guys drinks? Exactly.

So…as the day rolled on and the sun disappeared on another Cape Town day, I was not sure what was going on. The first day of the SA Wakeboard champs had gone by in a blur, but that’s why we had day two….

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Good morning to you all, and it is a beauty! I have just come off a bender of a weekend with the SA Wakeboard championship happening and also a bit of pond wakeskating yesterday in Cape Town. The Pimp Herd rolled out and did a little bit of the old Urban Mayhem by being pulled through the pond by the winch.

I’m trying to write it all up and this week is going to be all about sport and health…with a bit of a party thrown in.

See you all soon.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

By now you will know this, but I have to tell you anyway. Mnet stars are taking it right back to the old school of late!

To recap, I got home last night at an hour that my parents would not have known in their days, and settled in and watched Grease. Yesterday was spent watching Footloose, I watched Flashdance this morning and about two days ago I was watching Saturday Night Fever. It’s virtual insanity!

Danny Zuko and Betty Rizzo are on screen right now. Yes, Grease is playing again! Turn on the TV! You’re in the office? What?

I’m sorry. My condolences.

So I’m watching Grease right now and it gives me so much joy. Incidentally Grease was made in 1978, around the same time that my B&O I just spoke about was made. Some useless information there. I have also just lit an entire braai, to cook three pieces of chicken for myself for lunch(Bought some NOMU spice, mixed it with olive oil, marinated for 24 hours. Sexual). Just pretending that Al Gore is making a big joke about this whole planetary heating thing.

So if you want to chill, with your girlfriend, pour a glass of red, light the coals then switch over to channel 154 on DSTV and prepare to be thrown back into the old school while you come right.

Great success!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

There have been many whispers in Cape Town of my work being very sparse this week, which it has. But that’s a given because I have been fending off chicks from Casa del Lloyd because they all want me! They want me because they want what they can’t have.

No…no…they can have me, make no mistake. But they can’t have my Bang & Olufsen!

One of the great things about SLXS is that we can do things that some other people can’t. We get things that cannot be gotted! (My English teacher would be crying at the use of language) Which is why I got my hands on a Bang & Olufsen Beomaster 1100 amplifier(Click HERE for link). Made between 1975 and 1978, it’s a chick magnet. Right now I could be getting so much ass, it’s a joke. Like boy band amounts of ass! But that’s not what I want right now.

Now now ladies…focus on the B&O and not my cycling sculpted calves. Naughty naughty!

Right now I want to be sitting by myself, playing around with my new B&O, playing Barry White, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams and I want to cry. I want to cry until the amplifier short circuits! It’s the most beautiful thing in my life right now(Other than my cheese grater abs…but that’s a given)

It’s one of those things that you buy and then you have sleepless nights over. You know how you watch your girlfriend fall asleep?(This only happens if you love her though. If she’s a total bitch you probably never see her fall asleep because you are boys nighting it at the pub, wishing you had a new girlfriend)

Well anyway last night I watched the B&O fall asleep. Good grief it was emotional. I woke up this morning and wiped my tears off of it, and wished that I loved a person as much as I love my B&O. Funny enough if I drink enough, and ply myself with four sheets of acid, the B&O does start to feel like a girlfriend. It’s virtually maintenance free though, so it’s not really a girlfriend. Obviously it’s not a girlfriend either because it’s wood and metal, but it is warmer than a lot of girls in this city. You know the ice cold, trust fund baby kind. The B&O has a warm rosewood exterior and once it wakes up, it reaches a nice temperature, much warmer than some of the ice queens I have met in my life.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, so this whole week has been filled with excitement as I have been pumping out the beats like Roger Goode would. Old lady Bernice(My 100 year old neighbour) nearly had a heart attack from the sound.

Unfortunately only nearly.

So that’s it really, I have in my hands a piece of the 70′s. Yes, those were the days. The days of hippie acid trips where my parents did not know what year it was, let alone their own names. The days before global warming and food riots. The days of tripping balls for days. Can you imagine what this B&O has seen in it’s lifetime? I rate some pretty crazy things!

I bet it’s even taken some narcotics itself.

I still dig it though. I’m taking it back to the very old school with this piece of equipment and no doubt my popularity(Which has been in the gutter of late) should shoot up a notch.

That puts me on notch 1.

Well it’s the weekend, which is easily identifiable by the smell of cheap booze and tik in the air. It’s going to be an absolute cracker this weekend, and don’t bend it too much, I still want to see you on Monday morning. I want to touch you. You want to touch me. We all want to get in a circle. Take our clothes off…

I must stop now, I’m losing the plot. I actually am losing the plot, I planned a mountain bike ride today, the coldest day of the week. I’m going to go lycra up and saddle up, wish me luck.

Love and respect.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

This has got to be a sport that chicks dig, because I know they do! Which is why all Cape Towns boys and girls need to get to Milnerton this weekend to watch the SA Wakeboard Champs. We were riding with one of the guys on Sunday, Dylan Mitchell, and he is insane, so you should watch out for him. The moves you pull out on the wakeboard are directly proportional to the number of girlfriends you will have. Great success!

So, according to the Facebook event (HERE), it starts at 3pm on Friday 25 April (That’s tomorrow) and ends on Monday the 28th of April at 8pm. That’s an entire weekend of excess! There is going to be wakeboarding and wakeskating and the categories include pro, masters, novice, open men, junior men, junior boys and ladies. It’s happening at the Milnerton Aquatic Club at Rietvlei and you will see a whole lot of awesome people there.

Chicks in bikinis, guys in boardshorts sporting 6 packs(Me), R60000 worth of prizes, a party (In my pants) and so and…so forth. If you’re not sure that wakeboarding is as cool as it sounds, then check this photo out of Andrew Bourne.

Nice day job

Enough said! See you there on the weekend everyone. Oh wait…I have been on weekend the whole week. I kind of forgot to do any work on Monday and decided I did not want to start the week off on a bad note. So I just never started the week. Viking Quest!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was reading something or other about the rising cost of food worldwide, which has many contributing factors, especially the rising cost of oil. Oil is used to farm food, to produce fertilisers, to transport the food to the shops and so on and so forth. Obviously oil is not in huge supply(Check THIS out. Bleak) and we are looking at the end of the world pretty much if nothing is done. That’s kind of crazy, if oil runs out and we have no back up plan, the world could literally end in disaster! And not even a Playstation 3 or all the money in the world could save us. Bizarre! But let’s not worry about that, that’s why we have scientists.

Who incidentally have no answer to what we can use in place of oil. So yeah in ten years the world could end. No pressure then to come up with an alternative. Especially seeing as though bio fuels are proving to not be the answer as the amount of energy expended making them pretty much cancels out their benefits.

So anyway…with global wheat prices rising 181% over the 36 months leading up to last February (Source) you are no doubt going to see that pizza gets more expensive. I don’t really know what pizza cost a year ago and what it costs now, but I’m sure somewhere along the line it has gone up because no doubt the cost of all ingredients has gone up.

But to offset these prices why don’t pizza houses place advertising on the boxes? Or if that takes away too much from the actual brand, then place an advert on the inside of the lid. It’s advertising that cannot be missed. You open the box…BOOM…an advert in your face. And unlike pop up adverts on the internet you can’t just click this one away. You have to see it. And it’s unlike any other advertising, because you place only one advert in a box. Whereas newspapers or magazines have many different adverts, this could be a dream come true for advertisers.

Mmmmm this looks GOOD…open the box…cheese, salami, mushrooms…look up…BAM…an advert for Weigh Less!

Advertisers can buy however many ad placements they want i.e buy 1000 adverts on 1000 boxes and then they pay accordingly.

Why has no one thought of this? I’m sure someone has but maybe advertising in a pizza box just takes too much away from the actual brand that makes the pizza. But then again, why should it? You know where you are going to order from normally, and off the top of my head it would be Butlers, Scooters or St Elmos. In any case, it’s not as if anyone else sees the box except for the customer so it doesn’t take away from the branding on the delivery guys bikes or cars.

I know I know…I’m an absolute prodigy. I have said this before and I will say it again…many people only believe that I exist in myth. But lucky for you (Girls) I am real, and you can touch me.

That’s right, form an orderly queue.

Clothing optional…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

On Sunday we decided to hit up a bit of Misverstand, just to get out of town, centre ourselves, find our souls, do some soul searching…yeah whatever! We went up to cruise around on the boat and watch some of the guys do some crazy wakeboarding and then we also thought it necessary on Sunday night to do a little cruise in the boat. Clothing optional…It was a great success!

It’s necessary to point out here that we just horsed around the entire time at Misverstand. Literally! When we were driving out we saw this horse with a massive shlong, just chilling! Eating some hay or something.

Red rocket red rocket! 

Imagine the looks I would get if I was chilling in a field, eating weed while showing off the most massive boner. I would probably be sent to an insane asylum! Or someone would shoot me. It’s crazy that horses live such leisurely lifestyles. Hanging out with the old wang out…eating some grass…probably go for a shag later while all the humans watch. That’s your horses standard day.

It’s still amusing that at my age, I find it absolutely HILARIOUS to see a horse just rocking out…with it’s kok hanging out. I made Brendon stop the car immediately because I needed to get a photo of it’s piece. It’s not that it was entirely necessary to get a photo but it did make me feel better as a person for some twisted reason.

I don’t feel ashamed though because given the chance to do what we did, all of you would have pushed, shoved and jumped at the opportunity. Some of you might have wanted to touch…

Anyway thanks must go to Andy B(Check out Andrews website at Bourne2Ride.co.za) for the house, boat and all sorts of other stuff, Charlie V for also finding a horses boner hilarious and Brendon for driving with such road rage that I laughed the whole way home, especially when he started getting angry with the truck drivers.

So that was it, another successful day in The Valley.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Sometimes you think there can’t possibly be any more money and complete excess in this city and then something else comes along and blows your mind to pieces. Kids just run amok in Cape Town and I must admit, I’m fine with it. My school days were a little different at a public school where…you know…our parents were not quite in the same league as some of the other schools.

Look we still maxed out the fun though, from drawing disgusting things on the school board to throwing chicken skin onto the roof of Docs Biology class which earned me a nice little afternoon in detention, which is where the conceptualisation for SLXS came from. Actually it didn’t, but anyway.

So we all know about the Lamborghini that is seen at Bishops, but now there seems to be a new matric kid on the block.

I was driving through Rondebosch and saw, I think it was either a Bentley or a Rolls Royce, with the number plate “Matric 08″ Unfortunately I drive a monumentally slower car and so lost sighting of this beast and could not get a photo. So if anyone has a photo of this car, or sees it and manages to get a photo, it would be THE radness if you could e-mail it to me at seanl@slxs.co.za You know, so we can show people how kids in this city roll. Damn there is a lot of money floating around! These are the same kids that will finish school and go on to have disgustingly expensive cocaine addictions. Probably. Because cocaine’s a hell of a drug!

I highly doubt the car belongs to the parents of a Rustenberg girl or a SACS boy. I’m thinking along the lines of…Herschel.

I still remember being so broke in school I used to sell crack sandwiches to the kids outside the junior school. Because once you get the kids hooked young, they are customers for life. I still get a nice income from returning customers and with that money I buy small little things. Only small things though that the tiny bit of crack money offers. Like Michel Herbelin watches and Gucci sunglasses.

Drug money- Buys me nice lifestyle accessories

You think I’m joking? A lifestyle like this does not get earned through an honest living! I mean my name might not even be Sean.

Up until 6 months ago I thought everyone earned an income from selling crack. While most people see regular work as being an accountant or a doctor, I literally thought everyone made their money selling drugs.

I thought they called my dad “The Jackhammer” because he killed people with a Jackhammer if they did not pay him.

It turns out he used to work on construction sites when he was 19. Weird!

Look obviously I made all this up because it’s Friday and sometimes the truth is boring…this week nothing exciting has happened that is truthful and funny so I just had to make the drug thing up. It’s little things like this that constantly filter through my brain that have me thinking “I’m pretty sure my mom dropped me on my head when I was young”

Alternatively she smoked a crack pipe when she was pregnant. It’s definitely one or the other.

Or both…
Sean Lloyd

Editor

Obviously the other day when I wrote about the non existent service at News Cafe at Cape Town International Airport, I sent them a link to the article and explained what had happened. So…I received a reply yesterday:

Hi Sean

Thank you for taking the time to inform us of your experience at News Cafe and please accept my apologies for the poor service received.

News Cafe is at a key entry-exit point and therefore any experience created there, could have a lasting impression on a visitor’s overall experience of Cape Town.

Please be assured that this matter has been addressed with our managers at the unit. They do not take this matter lightly and are committed to providing a great experience everytime.

When you do pass by the airport again, please do visit us and rate our service; I would appreciate your feedback.

(I was then given the contact numbers of the operations manager and the manager at News Cafe in Cape Town)

Regards

Jacques James

So that is where we are at the moment and I will definitely make a stop past News Cafe next time I’m at Cape Town International Airport. The great thing is that I now have the managers number so if anything goes wrong, I can just give him a call directly from my table. Awesome!

I also has some readers e-mailing me asking if I made that story at News Cafe up. Trust me, you cannot make a story like that up! It’s too bizarre to think of a story like that. We left there with some anger but for me it was more amusement than anything else, just thinking that service like that existed in the world.

Anyway that’s the story at the moment I will let you know what happens next time.

I mean it can’t possibly get any worse, so anything will be an improvement on last time.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

As we notice that the days are getting a little cooler, I remind you of the last chance to hire our pool boy before summer leaves us and we don’t use the pool anymore.

JD is a pool boy with vast experience in the field of aquatics. A former waterpolo player turned playa, he is now available to clean your pool. Your regular pool boy is probably old. JD is young and athletic and will give any bored housewife something to look at. Operating in nothing but a Speedo, you can ply him with alcohol as he goes about his work. He also mixes those pool chemicals like a chemist!

Cape Town pool boy for hire- Chicks dig it! 

Unfortunately this pool boy is aimed at the elite market and thus a premium price is charged. It’s R10000 a day to hire this pool boy and he will not do anything more than that. He also only operates in the Bishops Court area to the female population.

That’s it ladies, your last chance to hire this pool boy.

If you need the services of this pool boy please e-mail me at: seanl@slxs.co.za and I will put you in contact with him. He won’t necessarily take the work, even if offered R10000 a day, but you never know…you might just get lucky.

Now that’s a sweet offer!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I have, in my time, been known to enjoy a party from time to time. And so on Friday I spent some time with G-Unit and his crew and we had a nice little drink. A little drink turned into many and it inspired this piece. Throughout the night I was using terms that are commonplace in my vocabulary, but that might be foreign to others. Here I present to you, the terms you need to learn in order to successfully party in Cape Town.

Lunge

The lunge is basically just when you think the time is right to pull in, and you lunge forward to kiss someone. The lunge, if unsuccessful leads to…

The bat

Basically you get batted if the girl/ guy rejects the lunge. In really bad cases(Say you go for the lunge, and the girl pulls away and slaps you) then this is known as being “Hit for six”

Minger

This is someone who is no oil painting in the looks department. Swamp donkey etc.

Chew off your arm

Sometimes the beer goggles get combined with the jager bomb goggles and this can actually blind a person. So you take the minger home and when you wake up the next morning, he/she/it is lying on your arm. In order not to wake he/she/it, because you cannot possibly stomach the thought of it, you chew your arm off in order to make a sneaky escape. Only do this once though, otherwise you will have chewed both arms off. Not ideal.

Tactical chunder

An all too familiar word in my books. Affectionately referred to as the TC, it is a life saver, in line with The Hoff. Say you are really hammered, and the room is spinning, but you can’t vomit but REALLY need to otherwise you think you will spin off the earth. This is where you make like Kate Moss, and make yourself vomit. A great way to avoid a hangover and feel better immediately. Also a great way to lose pounds before a runway show to the schmodels out there.

The tactical chunder is a hard boozers best friend.

School boy error

Refers to any error in partying that a school boy might make. For instance downing a bottle of vodka is a school boy error. No one of age will do this, as they have already done it at school an know that it will kill you.

Scoring your best friends sister might also be a school boy error. You do it once in school and realise it’s a really bad idea.

Toni Braxton- Unbreak my heart. Sorry, just the current track playing on the “SLXS Love Songs Crooner Come Right Tonight Mix”

Ninja bomb

Essentially, a ninja bomb is when you make yourself disappear. If you are at a party and are fading fast after drinking too much, too quickly, you will pull a ninja bomb. You leave the party without telling anyone. Usually no one will realise you have left for at least an hour. In which time you are already sleeping and your phone has been turned off.

A ninja bomb is used in many situations. Sometimes it’s easier just to leave than to have to explain to everyone that you are fading.

Also, if you are at your best friends party, and he has a smoking hot sister, and you want to pull her, you would naturally not leave with her and let him know that. The ninja bomb works a charm here.

The 24 hour medic

If you have cut yourself or have been in some sort of accident, you will need to call on a medic. However, if you have had a massive accident and quite possible crashed The Cane Train, you need a medic of a different kind. Enter the 24 hour shops. Petrol stations selling pies, Woolworths selling everything that dreams are made of and Barcellos pumping out two chicken burgers for about R20. Steers at the Engen in Claremont is also one of Gods greatest inventions. Especially if you have bent it out of shape on a Tiger Tuesday student night and you find yourself at Engen at 3am.

Because then it’s actually Wednesday and you score a Wacky Wednesday!

The Cane Train

This refers to the art of jumping on the cane train by drinking copious amounts of cane, traditionally mixed with cream soda. It’s the drink you make yourself when you are a poor student. But then when you become wealthy you still drink it because it tastes good and brings back so many good memories of nights in Hermanus spent drinking on the beach.

The Cane Train

The hangover look

This is for the guys really. Girls always need to look good. Guys can wake up with red eyes, green teeth, hectic stubble and yet still walk down the street with a Coke and a pie and feel like a million bucks.

Bender

Using the term would go like this “JEEEEE-ZUZ we had a bender of note last night!” A bender is essentially where the night loses it’s shape, it get’s bent out of shape and things get messy. We might also say the night has gone “Pear shaped”

On a bender!

You might look like this after a bender. Collapsing in the passage on your way to the apartment

A sneaky bender

A sneaky bender is commonplace in a place like Cape Town. Because we don’t really work for more than two hours a day, we have loads of time to spend at beachside cafes and at bars around the city, laughing and drinking as though a global recession does not exist. Sneaky benders often occur at Forresters Arms in Newlands of Peddlars (On the bend) I think “On the bend” is actually put in there, not because Peddlars finds itself situated on a bend in the road, but because everyone there is always getting smashed, thus being constantly “on the bend”

And when they are not on the bend, they are chilling at a 24 hour medic, “on the mend”

Did you see that? What I did there? I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! What’s the plan, Japan?

Ok pushing it a little far there.

So a sneaky bender is when you receive an sms from someone at around 12 or 1′ish. I usually get my Forres updates from Lex. It normally says something along the lines of “If you’re not wasted, then the day is. Get to Forres” or “If anybody is over this day, I’m at Forres having ONE drink” It’s the whole phenomenon of having “just one drink” that turns into many and before you know it, a little lunch time post siesta drink has turned into the whole crew absolutely mashed and thinking of hitting Tiger until 3am then getting to Barcellos to mend our ways.

Sneaky benders are basically afternoon meetings, with sober intentions, that turn into alcohol fueled binges that last until the next day.

I think that gives you a fairly good guide into the SLXS party dictionary. Seriously, use these terms, don’t lose them.

Now someone get me a beer.

I said NOW!

Son of a bitch!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Not since the Crazy Monkey boys invented Foot Skating have I been so excited about a uniquely urban, cutting edge sport. I’m tired of traditional sports and it’s always like a dream come true when something new is invented in your home town. By people that went to the same school as you. And I even know some of the crew involved in this ground breaking sport. It makes me all excited and once you hear what it’s about, you will be excited as well.

Like all things these days, Xtreme Sterrie Stumping was brought to my knowledge through the internet. In particular Facebook where I stumbled upon their group “Xtreme Sterrie Stumping” Not quite sure how I would react to it, I needed something calming. So I went down to DVD Nouveau in Newlands to hire some comedy in the form of Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle. Awesome.

But I reacted well to it and I can confidently say that Xtreme Sterrie Stumping is the best sport to hit the streets since the foot skating days. It’s virtually insane how xtreme these guys are and the lengths they are willing to go to honour their sport. Already the members have started naming the various moves and have claimed the names “The Waterfall”, “The Cyclops”, “The Two Hand Long Arm” and “Double Dragon” On the breaking edge of urban culture, this is a sport that seems to be born out of necessity for survival in the urban jungle. It’s a sport that unapologetically abuses the human bodies limits.

The Cyclops: With the Steri Stumpie positioned perfectly between the eyes

In a world gone crazy, a world gone global warming, a world gone eco-friendly, comes a sport that will shatter all expectations of what it is to be “xtreme” Redefining boundaries, merging xtreme physical fitness with absolute raw talent, Xtreme Sterrie Stumping is the sport for the generation tired of being force fed ideas on what exactly “sport” is. The Xtreme Sterrie Stumping team disregard their own personal safety in pursuit of the next big thrill.

This can quite clearly be seen when viewing photos of the team doing “The Waterfall”

The Waterfall: A long, continuous flow of the blue bubble gum Steri Stumpie

Such physically demanding and mentally tiring pursuits are hard to come by in a world where safety is a priority. These guys probably purposefully don’t take out life insurance, such is the way they live their lives. On the knife edge.

It’s been along time since the urban setting of Cape Town has seen such a group of revolutionaries, a group full of raw talent waiting to be discovered, a group of people who defy gravity and defy the odds to become the best they can be.

Some of the athletes: Take their sport seriously

This is Xtreme Sterrie Stumping, and it’s coming to a neighbourhood near you.

As the group says “This group is on the breaking edge of defining a whole new culture of old school, bite it from the bottom,crazy manoeuvering…”

Click HERE for the Facebook group (You will obviously need a Facebook account to log in)

Sean Lloyd

Editor