Hi.

This is Marzaan.

Marzaan is from Cape Town.

Marzaan is a swimwear model.

Marzaan is what we’d quietly refer to as “gorgeous” or “beautiful” Well those of us who are model scouts, which I obviously am. (And I can even tell if a guy is good looking or not)

Shame I hate it that the ladies look like this!

Click here for the full Marzaan Kallis gallery (Image via that gallery as well)

It’s Friday and the smell of tik is heavy in the air. Feel it!

No but seriously I’m completely over today, I’m going to go catch some sun time. Later later!

(And yes the photos have been big this week. No idea why. I felt like it. I felt me. It felt good. Crisis that was lame. Sorry been struggling today)

Why do they still insist on writing like this?

Being vain, superficial and shallow is not easy.

But it’s something I live with every day.

When giving gifts, I never think of the person I’m giving the gift to, I always like to take myself into account. If it’s someones birthday I’ll go “Ok I’ve got R1000 spare to spend on their birthday present”

Then I’ll try convince myself that there is something in the world that costs R1000 that I need for my survival, and that this R1000 needs to be spent on me and not the person whose birthday it is.

So I’ll drop a grand at Grandwest and go “Oh but it’s an addiction, I cannot help it! You can’t mess with genetics”

Or I’ll buy another iPod, convincing myself that two are needed so I can listen to music at all times not having to worry about charging my battery.

But such is life!

Anyway for the superficial, shallow set like myself, I like to gift sugar. In a recession it makes perfect sense! Lull people into a sugary coma so they don’t know how cheap you really are. And while I thought I was the only one really cheap on gift giving, it seems it’s more of a trend than I thought!

Get it Magazine Cape Town have an ad for Huletts sugar that looks like so: (No, don’t be like SO!)

Enjoy the text if you couldn’t read that:

Cutting back on spending doesn’t mean minimising on style. Huletts speciality sugars allow you to be practical and stylish this Festive season with the most affordable and sensible gift idea. Huletts White & Brown Cubes and Rainbow Crystals, available in table friendly and re-usable packs, are the perfect gift solution…tra la la la I don’t feel like typing the rest!

That gives me so much joy!

I can now be selfish and self centred, and still feel good about myself.

Thank you Huletts!

Look I’m not a fashionista, or a trend spotter or anything like that but in general I’m also not a complete moron when it comes to life and what makes sense and what doesn’t.

(In a related thought, how hilarious is it that anyone on the internet with a technology website is a ‘web strategist’, ‘marketing geek’, ‘trend spotter’, ‘web junkie’, ‘PHP addict’ or whatever it is. CRISIS you okes are hilarious and a complete JOKE! I love it how things like ‘junkie’ and ‘addict’ are just loosely thrown around, as though these are as cool as a heroine addiction. Black tar heroine beats the internet 10-0.No one on the web is as cool as Tommy Lee, we shouldn’t throw these words around lightly)

Anyway that’s slightly off the topic which I’m known to do.

Your moms quite nice.

Again…off the…

Ok ok so we’re talking about the GQ Best Dressed Men Of The Year 2009 and I’m going straight out and saying it is the biggest waste of time in the world. Not only are the results abysmal, but it really doesn’t add any substance to the magazine.

Number one on the list is Jon-Paul Bolus from Loading Bay in Cape Town. Look this is nothing personal and I’ve met JP, he’s extremely passionate about his brand and what he does and his store sells kick ass clothing (We’ve mentioned it many times here on SLXS). I love the Blue Blood brand but I just have to ask myself “Is this really a true reflection of the best dressed men in South Africa? Have GQ really looked into the situation, more than just using people they always use in their magazine and who are in the right places?” . I know this is the best dressed men awards, but personally for me being best dressed is also about how you wear clothes, the attitude you roll with and how you can pull stuff off. Anyone with money can buy into trends and buy the latest style from a magazine but not everyone can pull off a look and a  lifestyle.

One thing I’ve noticed in Cape Town is that the black guys dress really well, without spending loads of cash. I often take note of guys getting out of taxi’s with their shoes shined, hats on and rocking jackets in all styles, tweed, black, rolling scarfs and looking really cool. And the reason they pull it off so well also has a lot to do with attitude and confidence. They’re taking taxi’s so I’d gather that they’re not extremely wealthy, but with the cash they have, they pull off a good look. Then you get people with loads of money looking absolutely atrocious. We really should do a picture documentary of people on the street who are well dressed, and don’t just choose them on their clothes, but the confidence and style and grace with which they wear their clothes.

GQ really should do a more on the ground issue as a supplement to their best dressed men awards. If you look at all the men in the best dressed awards, they’re all wealthy so obviously they’re not going to look like they just woke up in a trash can. And the style tips are also just ridiculous. Just look at this question posed to JP, and his reply:

South Africa’s Two Best Dressed Men

GQ: What’s a good look this summer?

JP: A great pair of distressed denims to mix with a basic V, a cardigan or a light leather jacket combined with a scarf and vintage shades. Next, you need to have a pair of raw selvedge denim jeans which you’ve been wearing every day through winter, and by now have amazing character and unique marks. Roll them up, slip on some loafers and a nice quirky shirt. Have a cardi and a light suede jacket as back up for the night out. Other key items: a beautiful cropped blazer, chinos, veldskoens and shorts.

Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that this is for SUMMER?! OH MY SHATTERED FACE IN A CUSTARD BOWL!

I’m sorry but I didn’t actually take any of that information in, it literally went into my eyes and got zapped by the “Ridiculous Zapper” in my brain which is on at all times.

I mean come now, veldskoen and shorts? To me, dress is as much about attitude as it is about money and clothing. Look at Johnny Depp:

Now it’s a fact that most men cannot pull those looks off. They’re not necessarily strictly the best looks, the clothes are torn, he’s wearing random stuff but he is just doing it with such an attitude that it’s awesome. Admit it, Johnny Depp is a cool dude (Oh and good looking…SHOCK!)

I don’t see any of that in GQ. So in that photo we have seen first and second place, now let’s look at 3rd and 4th place:

Absolutely thrilling.

Oh and by the way GQ, where’s my nomination?

According to your voting system, these photos should be able to do it (This is like rocket fuel to my stalkers):

I’m wearing a waist coat, have the salmon shirt and a tie, I think I’m ready to win this thing?

There is even this variation, with a different expression and a grey Polo shirt:

Seriously, now send me my trophy. I also want in on this!

I may be completely wrong on this, and these guys might dress phenomenally at all other times. But I just feel this GQ shoot was poor. Shoot the guys in a natural setting, shoot them on the street, at work, on Table Mountain, just not in a boring studio or something! Shoot them on the beach in a suit…do something different.

And I’m spent.

Something I’m always sort of perplexed by is most guys inabilities to actually just go out and say “Ja, that guy is good looking”

It came up the other day in a conversation, and I was saying something about some guy being good looking. Now for some reason society has deemed it wrong for any man to admit that another man is good looking. All guys know if someone is ugly and they’ll go “Oh have you seen this oke, jeepers bru I can’t believe he’s dating Nicole”

Lyle Lovett: Uuuuuuugly

So they do know what ugly looks like, and they must have some sort of benchmark to set ugly against, and that benchmark would be beauty. So a guy will say Lyle Lovett is ugly but he will never say that Brad Pitt is beautiful, good looking, call it what you may.

Brad Pitt: Beautiful

Because we’re so scared of what other people think, and we can’t possibly have people refer to us as gay can we? No, never, that would be terrible!

To be honest, I don’t really care what other people think of me. I’ll openly let people know that a guy is good looking if someone is asking, because everyone else knows it anyway, they’re just afraid of being judged. And what is the problem really?

So if I say a guy is good looking, from that you can either deduce that I’m gay or straight. If I’m straight, then what’s the problem?

If I’m gay, what’s the problem?

It’s just annoying when conversations come up and guys stay out of them going “How am I supposed to know if a guy is good looking?”

Ok well done tool, now that you have asserted how manly you are, let us know what you really think!

I’m just saying, as a straight guy it’s fine to admit that a guy is good looking.

No one’s going to kill you.

You’re not going to suddenly turn gay.

The world will keep on turning.

You’ll receive a salary at the end of the month.

Good, now that’s out of the way.

I saw an ad on Facebook, clicked through and found this:

Um, that is a little too close to pedophiles for me!

I know you like to strut with your kugelsak’s out, but seriously, stay away from the kids people. They going to grow up with all sorts of issues.

I’m sure you know of Andre Harper. You don’t?

Mutters under breath…PLEBB…

Ok well this is what the website says:

WHO IS ANDREW HARPER?

It’s a Mystery for a Reason…

Andrew Harper is the pseudonym of a gentleman traveler who, frustrated by commercially driven travel coverage, began writing his own candid reviews of smaller, unique hotels. The Hideaway Report, which began as a small newsletter for friends and family, is now one of the most distinct voices in luxury travel. Impatient with pretension and skeptical of passing trends, Andrew Harper has an abiding passion for classic hospitality and refined service amid peaceful surroundings. He is on the road for several months each year, and hotels are his second home.

“The popular newsletter’s creator and editor in chief, whose real name is known but to God (and his wife), has paid his own way at thousands of hotels worldwide and published his impressions without fear or favor.” — Forbes

Anyway the writer has changed over the years but it’s still classic and Andrew Harper currently seems to be in Cape Town and I know this because I know everything in Cape Town and follow Andrew Harper on Twitter. Check his Tweets:

Ok. So maybe not ideal then! But I had to let you know anyway.

Click here for the Andrew Harper website.

Click here for Andrew Harper on Twitter.

Don’t you love it when the kids go “No mammie give a Steri Stumpie!”

It’s what we in the industry refer to as “priceless”

Anyway you can win one of 900 Limited Edition Steri Stumpie t-shirts which we will get into now. I am going to show you a photo from the Steri Stumpie website of the t-shirt but I’m only showing you one!

I can’t handle this!

The reason being is because I’m truly freaked out by the masks the models are wearing! I’m being serious it really freaks me out and it’s due to me hating anything with a mask on. If I can’t see your face I get freaked out.

I also HATE porcelain dolls and I don’t know how people can have them in their rooms. I once slept at a house where the spare room bed was covered in porcelain dolls, and I had to take each one off one by one, with those funny eyes looking at me. It was honestly the scariest day of my life and I know I’m a grown man but I admit to being freaked out by porcelain dolls. Oh and clowns.  Do not approach me in a clown suit! I’m serious because I will kill you. I will, I will grab the nearest object and start beating you. I’ll drive over you in my car.

But my main reason for being scared of things like porcelain dolls and clowns is because of a story I heard from many different people and apparently it’s true.

This chick was baby sitting some kids, and the parents left the house…

No jokes, I’m on the verge of tears, it’s nearly 10pm and I’m writing this alone and…is my back door locked?

…so the parents leave the house and this chick is left to put the kids to bed and sleep over, in the spare room. She goes into the room, turns the light on and sees in the corner, on a chair, a life size clown mannequin. Finding this a little freaky for a family to keep a life size clown, she tries to ignore it and goes to bed anyway. She’s lying there, but has this weird feeling about her that it’s not normal for a family to keep this clown.

The rest of the house was completely normal and there were no collections of anything that would hint at this family keeping a clown in the spare room. Anyway she cannot help but thinking that things are strange. She gets out of bed and looks at the clown and it hasn’t moved.

So she cruises out the room and gets onto the phone. She phones the parents and asks them if she can please sleep in the other room because as weird as it is, she is a little freaked out by the clown sitting on the chair in the corner of the room.

The parents are shocked and ask “What clown?”

“You know, the clown in the corner of the spare room?”

“There is no clown in the spare room”

At this point she was told to immediately grab the kids, call the police and evacuate the house!

So as the story goes, the clown was a real person from a mental ward who was harmless but used to dress as a clown, break into peoples houses and just sit there!

I mean, have you ever in your life?! This is probably my main reason for still being scared of the dark. You think I’m joking but I’m dead serious, I cannot handle clowns, the dark and porcelain dolls. Make no mistake I love the dolls! And I like going out at night, but coming into the driveway (Not like that — sis) at 4am still freaks me out every time. I’m one of those people who is like “I bet I’ll be the statistic of that weird crime this month”

You know the crimes that never happen, but you’re convinced they’ll happen to you? Yeah those ones! I have at certain times in my life been convinced that:

• I’ll be washing my face in the shower, eyes closed, I’ll open them and I will see the figure of a clown through the frosted glass door. It got so bad at one time that I would refuse to close my eyes in the shower, and I’d leave the door open and make the dogs sit at the door.

• I’ll arrive home one night and my dogs will have been poisoned and then I’ll basically walk into a crime scene and be witness to some mad stuff!

• I’ll wake up with a crew of criminals ransacking my room.

• And my absolute worst nightmare is that I’m going to get into my car and a hijacker will either be on my backseat or in my boot. To this day before getting into my car at night I first look in to see of there is someone on the back seat, I’m paranoid like that!

So anyway this is about Steri Stumpie and they have launched new flavours and all that jazz, including Marshmallow and Raspberry.

Which sounds fantastic! Unfortunately I don’t drink milk so I won’t be trying them, but I’d probably wrap one of those shirts around my tanned body! And the next thing you know, you’ll be wrapped around me!

Anyway check out the vibe and enter to win one of the t-shirts by clicking here

One of the things that is difficult to gauge when you’re in Cape Town, is what night clubs are good to visit and where the best nightlife in Cape Town is. I know these things because I live here, but for people visiting Cape Town it can become somewhat tricky.

Fortunately for you, we’re hooking you up with the hottest ticket in Cape Town nightlife tours, Luna Nights!

Now you don’t actually have to do anything, you simply sit back and let the Luna Nights team organise everything for you. You’ll be having dinner in style at Cape Town’s finest restaurants, before being chauffeured right into the centre of Cape Town nightlife scene. You don’t need to know the hotspots because Luna Nights know them all already, and they’ll hook you up with the hottest tickets.

Queues? Ha ha! Not a chance, with Luna Nights you’ll be treated to the VIP Experience, rolling straight into the club from your chauffeur drive. You won’t even need to sit with the regular crowd, you’ll be hitting up the VIP section as you toast to the scintillating Cape Town nightlife scene. And best of all you don’t need to worry about drinking and driving, because your chauffeur will be waiting for you at the door. Exit in a blaze of glory, and let your chauffeur drive you home safe and sound.

Luna Nights is ideal for locals and tourists to Cape Town as you can experience the best of the city without doing a thing. Every single aspect of your night is planned out by the team at Luna Nights and you’re free to party away in style. It’s especially handy for birthday parties and other events where planning can be a hassle, especially trying to coordinate everything on time. This is where Luna Nights take over and make partying in Cape Town a breeze.

While Luna Nights offer completely bespoke tour packages, there are also set tours to give you an idea of what is possible and what you can enjoy such as:

• Dinner Club Tours

• Jazz Tours

• Cape Town’s Nightlife / African Kaleidoscope Tours

• Club Tours

• Special Events

And my personal favourite? Oh this is easy! The Erotic Tour, check it:

Erotic Tour:

• 3 course meal at a top restaurant

• Complementary bottle of wine/per 4 people

• Security Qualified Guides, 1 Host/Guard To Every Group Of 9-12 To Guarantee A Safe Night  out

• VIP entrance to a strip club

• Access to VIP area at venues

• Chauffeur driven

• Table dance

• Collection and drop off at your chosen location

• Champagne on arrival at first venue

Alright alright!

But honestly, what are you waiting for? It’s summer and the Cape Town nightlife is pumping. Make sure you’re not caught standing in queues or hanging in the regular section. Skip the queues, go VIP and even more importantly, don’t drive drunk.

Enjoy the finest of the Cape Town nightlife with Luna Nights.

Click here to visit Luna Nights.

You know what I love? You know what I really love?

I love it when people arrive on the beach in summer and ask to borrow my sunscreen because they ‘forgot theirs’. Honestly, what is wrong with you?

Did Mayweather ever arrive in the boxing ring and go “Oh shit, I forgot to train”?

Did the brewery in Newlands open this morning and go “Oh shit, we forgot to make beer”?

Have you ever been about to make sweet, sweet love to your girlfriend and you have forgotten that you are a man, so you hand your girlfriend a strap on and go “Honestly, just break me”?

Have any of these things ever happened? Because there is as much a chance of these happening as there is of you forgetting your sunscreen! Oh my shattered left testicle you people are irritating!

It’s just something you don’t forget. But I know why you ‘forget’ these things and you should not be afraid to admit it. You’re a cheap sonofabitch.

If you say to me “Sean can I borrow your sunscreen because I forgot mine?” I will kick sand in your face and I will watch in sheer delight as your skin turns into crispy bacon. Then I’ll kick more sand in your face and smash a cooler box on your head and send you home like a naughty child.

However if you tell the truth  and say “Sean I’m a cheap sonofabitch and don’t want to spend money on sunscreen, can I borrow yours?” then I’ll probably give you a bit.

There are some people who go through the entire summer ‘forgetting’ sunscreen. And it always happens to be me that is dishing out the sunscreen because there is a rumour going around that I’m Mother Theresa and will just do good things for mankind. Well I’m going to tell you something pendejo, I’m not Mother Theresa.

In fact I’m the devil and I will in all likeliness watch you burn while I’m protected from the sun with R160 worth of power.

The SLXS choice for summer 2009

Yeah you read correctly, that is what sunscreen now costs. You don’t go to a mates house with no drinks and then still ask for shot after shot of Jack do you? If you do you’re a lowlife and I don’t like you. The most you should drink then is whatever he’s serving!

And on the beach this summer Sean is serving pain and it’s free. You can have some and you don’t have to do anything for it. All you need to do is arrive on the beach with no sunscreen and I’ll give you pain.

This isn’t a threat, it’s a light message from me. I honestly don’t care anymore, because you will NOT borrow my sunscreen. Look if my name was Piz Buin it would be fine, but I’m not paying R160 to see you turning a nice bronze colour courtesy of my expensive sun lotions.

This summer the devil is going to sit back and watch you turn red. Then I’m going to slap your face with a hand full of Deep Heat and take your mom out for a nice seafood dinner.

And never call her again.

I’ve really been meaning to try this Woolworths Earth Friendly Range since it was launched a few months ago but for some or other reason I never got around to it.

So on Friday after doing my rounds (Lunch with Madiba, tea with the Dalai Lama and some random charity work, and I also saved a baby from getting hit by a bus) I nipped into Woolworths and while my initial intention was only to perve a few MILFS, I got a little sidetracked. You see I had been running and was quite sweaty, I was basically pitting at the Fruit and Veg aisle. That’s veg with an “e” and not an “a” Easily confused.

Now my body has been compared to Achilles, and generally I do throw out a Greek God type vibe especially in summer when I’m more bronze that Tom Jones. And because I’m what they (Not me) call a public figure (Ha ha! Have you ever?!) it is essential that I keep my body in perfect shape, for you all!

So that when you see me in real life,  you are as awe struck as what you are when you read my writing. So other than my trail running which keeps me fit so I can dance circles around Justin Timberlake, I also like to use some good skincare products. I have my ranges that I stick to, but as they say diversity is the mother of all bitches.

Or something to that effect.

Well I was in Woolworths, checking out some mommy from between the loaves of bread (Around 30 inches long — the bread. What, do you think that is all there is to me?) when I realised that I was Fritzeling from beneath my arm pits. I was sweating like a hooker OD’ing on E, it was quite bad. This is normal though after a trail run, or if you’re a stalker about to get caught in the playground.

I then realised that I had run out of my old shower gel and the health store was closed so I would need to buy something at Woolworths. My body is only used to the finest quality ingredients and my hands have been known to refuse to even put inferior products onto my statuesque like body. It’s that bad. But such is my quest for a better life for us all!

I popped a couple of items in the basket and bang, jumped into the VR3 and headed home. Along the way I will admit to having hit a kid as well as a hooker. It was a vicious ride I tell you! I’m not sure why the kid was getting a piggy back on the hooker, I can only assume that he was trying to get a crack lolly. But enough about me living in Mitchells Plein. Moving on…

I got back home in my usual fit of depression, as one does. We all do, don’t we? Am I the only one taking crazy pills to balance myself? Anyway I stripped naked way before I could make it into the house, leaving Auntie Gertrude next door very aroused. I also find it weird that Uncle Bert next door was also aroused.

I lathered myself up with the Woolworths Earth Friendly Body Wash and it’s simply divine! It soaps up good which is great when you’re in prison but even better when you’re not, because there is never the deathly thrill of surprise sex.

Then again there is also very little chance of you going for a trail run, or shopping at Woolworths for their Earth Friendly Range if you’re a prisoner. The hand wash is also simply a treat so now you can have clean hands even though you have a dirty mind. It’s got tea tree oil which is anti-bacterial or something, I wasn’t quite reading because I had my hand in my pants. And for good reason too!

I was powdering my kugelsak!

No I’m joking babes.

I bought it for my nappy rash. I still wet myself at night, but it’s not really a problem. I mean, I shower in the morning so that’s fine isn’t it? And the only reason I wet myself is because I still get nightmares about the boogie man, which is a common concern amongst grown men.

No but really I’m joking about all this, I bought the baby powder for Carlos.

My firstborn child.

I love you Carlos.

Wow that was a terrible article and you have learnt absolutely nothing about the Woolworths Earth Friendly Range, but it has something to do with biodegradable ingredients, not tested on animals, no petrochemicals, no artificial colours, no animal ingredients and stuff like that. Not that you care, but that’s what I’m throwing down. Can you handle me hot stuff?

xxx

I love spending my time in the car with the music pumping and nothing but the open road ahead of me. Unfortunately in a city you are constantly surrounded by lunatics. Like this woman who parked, but I forgive her because she was 173 years old, which is quite old. She probably takes ‘roids:

And then this guy:

Answer? No, I’m not ready.

Or should I say, Jesus is not ready.

I was out hammering a run on Sunday morning in Tokai with G-Bizzle, just going along the trail, catching some outdoors vibes and Tokai really is a beautiful place to run. The road kills me! Because it’s so boring. The trail is nice and shaded and you come along awesome photo opportunities. Such as:

Check my black yeti arm!

This is basically my lifeblood, this sort of thing. I have absolutely no desire to write long things anymore, my life and SLXS are going to be presented in snippets for you. Little photos of how I see things.

Or maybe I have writers block.

On a completely unrelated note is anyone keen on sponsoring me a netbook? Like that SICK Acer Aspire One D250? If you do that, I can’t offer you anything in return but my love. And that is all you need!

You’ll basically ooze teenage desire after giving me a gift, such is the power of gifting The Sean.

Have you seen the wind pump on your way to Stellenbosch? The one that pumps way too much! Someone honestly needs to turn that bad boy off.

Yeah so I’ll only catch you tomorrow, I really have no desire to write today, to be completely honest! You know the whole writers block thing? Big time.

That’s right you heard me, well sort of. Tonight is the first night of the South African Powerball Lottery which I will be winning  (Obviously), and to kick the celebrations off like a dead lepers head, we’ll just give away a Volkswagen Scirocco as a sort of little prize. Then we’ll get into the real stuff.

Anyway I have no idea how the Powerball works but you can click here to read about it. Enter because tonight is the first draw and it’s chilling at R30 million. Now we all know the SA lottery is a scam and all the profits get eaten by some greedy bastards, but look, you wear Gap and Nike so you essentially support slave labour anyway. So this is the least of your worries!