Judging by the crew at Bang Bang last night, lumo needs to be worn. It’s all party and no work around here. But hey…someone has to do it.

You forget how hot school girls and 1st year girls are, until you hit Bang Bang for their Get Dumb student night. Damn son.

South Africa’s future…oooooooh spicy!

Quietly avoiding the recession

Sweating off the recession and cane

DJ’s…very average jobs

Sean Lloyd

Editor

My body is known to be an absolute temple, and I will use only the finest products on, and in it. So while I was sculpting my guns at the gym today, I remembered about something I needed to tell you. For the past few weeks, before and after gym, I have been using this gel which is for stiffness, soreness and painful muscles. So I rub it into my muscles (Razor cut abs) before gym, and after gym and it works a treat!

The only thing is, it’s actually not really made for humans, but I got it at the vet. It’s called Arnica Ice and it’s for horses, but seeing as though I’m like horse, I thought I could use the gel on my guns, abs etc when training.

It does say “For external animal use only” but you know, I sometimes just think that I’m raw power anyway.

Like on your box of cigarettes it says smoking will kill you, and you smoke anyway. And cane and cream soda will cause disease in the body, and it will make you sleep with randoms, but you drink it anyway. Basically this gel contains 1% arnica and 1% menthol and it’s absolutely divine (Joburg kugel) It also contains camphor and witch hazel.

So you rub it on and about 5 minutes later the spot where you have applied it feels ice cold. You could also get your girlfriend to rub it in, but make sure you don’t get too frisky. Seriously, if she starts playing with you while there is still this stuff on her hands, your piece will hurt. It will go ice cold, freeze and fall off. True story.

Anyway for any athletes out there, this stuff is amazing and I highly recommend it as a pre and post workout muscle rub. You don’t have to buy Arnica Ice for horses, you can also buy it at the pharmacies and it’s called “Ice Man” or “Herbal Ice” One of those. It’s essentially the same stuff. My 500 gram tub only cost like R45, which is quite awesome. It’s one of the few gels I have used that really works, and it relieves muscle stiffness quite well.

It’s cheap, it works, and it makes you look manly.

“What you doing over there son?”

“Rubbing horse pain relieving gel into my muscles. I did 1000 gun curls today, and this is the only stuff that works.”

Chicks dig it. Plus, I know you’ve been taking ketamine as a party drug anyway, so a bit of horse gel won’t hurt.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

“Sean, are you alright?”

I know that’s what you have all been asking! I’m fine…but my computer…she’s broke.

I’m working on Skateboard J’s computer at the moment and I cannot get my e-mails yet so I will reply to those hopefully tomorrow if my computer can get sorted out, but it’s in bad shape. It’s heating up, like, seriously. Even the keyboard is hot.

Anyway I went with some of my contemporaries to usher them into Bang Bang for their Get Dumb student nights. Very young, but quite fun, especially when you can hardly walk.

Quite a couple of young birds there, so if that’s your vibe, pull in. I found this photo now of Skateboard J and a flock of chicks.

I have no idea where the drawing came from

I love you all so much that every morning, without fail, I have a massive one.

Not in a weird way, but in a “I love you so damn much way”

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’ve got this thing on my computer, so when I search the Google telephone machine, it tells me whether websites are safe to visit or not. So I’ve never seen any website with a cross next to it, warning me that it is unsafe. I thought to myself “What would the average person search, and would this ever bring up an unsafe website?”

Because all the websites I have ever seen have been safe. So I did a quick little test, for the common (Surely) search term “Chick banging a horse” (I know the screenshots are small, but just look at the green ticks, which means it’s all safe)

Check it out, all these sites came up clean:

Another very common search term “Man sucking a donkey penis”

And look, no problems!

I just don’t understand where we would find any websites that are unsafe. Have you ever found an unsafe website?

I can’t seem to find any problematic sites, even using the most basic of school kid search terms.

It’s so mad at the moment, I don’t know how to control it!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was kicking it to an insane level of maximumness with my apprentice Skateboard J the other day and we had decided, that to keep the prying lenses of the paparazzi out of his apartment, we would need to install a bamboo blind in the bathroom.

For when we’re tapping supermodels.

I apologise, that was uncalled for.

So while I opened the beers, Skateboard J decided to start unpacking the blind. I tried to fake being busy so as to avoid doing any work at all, until I heard a wild scream and Skateboard J had fallen into the bath.

Anyway, it turns out he needed my help, but I couldn’t help but piss my pants when he asked me for the screws. It reminded me of those stupid signs on coffee that say “hot” so the yanks don’t sue them. I’m pretty sure what I stumbled upon on Saturday was the doing of some insane American lawsuit, now brought into South Africa by cheap, slave labour, $1 a day, cut your hands off if you don’t  make 1000 blinds a day sort of workmanship.

If that makes sense to you, well done, you must also be high.

And driving.

So I basically see this packet of screws (And if you young lady don’t stop giving me those saucy looks, we will be doing something using that word as well) and start laughing, but in a manic crying fashion. The neighbours must have thought I was doing a Britney Spears as I was spitting me beers right out of my nostrils.

Don’t dwell on this too long, it’s the number one cause of psychoticness in the world, it’s just so much to deal with.

You think global warming is bad, then you find out about Jacob Zuma. You think he is bad then you find this packet of screws:

And this is not a joke.

QUITE amazing right there.
Sean Lloyd

Editor  

Naughty

Quicker than what?

Mother Theresa naked?

Come on boys, some perspective here.

But I’ll admit, I enjoyed this one. It’s for Dial A Nerd who will fix your computer.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Kulula have put up a new ad on the highway and it’s not as effective as their last one. Something about an aeroplane sized dildo appeals to me.

Do you remember the new fleet of dildos? Click HERE for that hilarity.

This one says “Time for that holiday”

You can’t see it here, but the guy is putting his toothpaste onto his razor. So he needs a holiday. Yeah…exactly.

Come on guys, we all knows sex sells.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I buzzed my old ballie the other day, this was how it went down:

“Yo yo yo dad, what’s cracking with you son?”

“Not much bee-atch, and you?”

“Dad is that mom in the background?”

“Yeah”

“Where are you?”

“Cleaning up the garage”

Actually that was another story, I don’t know where I’m going with it. Well another made up story, my folks are divorced.

So anyway, I was checking the Lottery Results from this past Saturday, and call me whatever you want, but this looks spicy!

To hit you upfront with this, 18 people won the jackpot on Saturday.

That’s actually a kak screenshot, too small. Too lazy to do it again, but if you put on your super dooper vision goggles, you will see it.

EIGHTEEN!

Are you kidding me?

I think I know a few naughty lottery bosses who bought their tickets after the draw, but tricked the machine and set the date and time back. I think I know some naughty CEO’s!

Even worse though, imagine winning the lottery, because you only win it once. And all you win is like a million bucks. What do you even do with a million rand? Buy groceries? Lifetime supply of tik?

You can’t even get half a half decent apartment for that cash. I would just phone up the bottle store and get a bottle of scotch delivered. Then phone the gun store and rent a double barrell shotgun with one round. Then off myself, because there is no point in living after that.

I’m just saying, you know, I think it’s a little extraordinary that this happened. I’m suspicious. My nipples are hard, and that means I’m suspicious.

National Lottery…I’ve got my eyes on you!Watch yourself.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Nash of BangersAndNash SMASHED an e-mail into my computer from his computer, shattering Outlook XSPress into a million pieces with the force of his words:

dude,

Her name is Anya.

Phenomenal!

And there we have it, the chick on the right of the photos name is Anya.

I stalked searched her on Facebook and we have 9 mutual friends.

GOD?!

Is this a sign?

I see in her profile picture on Facebook that she is with two other blonde girls and one is drinking out of a bottle. At what looks like Caprice. I’m not sure. Maybe. Actually probably not.

In the photo I found she seems to be drinking a Savanna.

Darling, contact us and you win a case of Savanna, delivered to wherever you want us to deliver it to.

Because I’m literally drowning in cocaine, booze and dead hookers over here! Rid the fort of the excess!
Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was browsing through some of my wank bank photos from years gone by and I came across (And on) this photo, taken at Springboks pub in Newlands from like 2002 or 2003 I believe. It features some chick on the left, my man Skateboard J, myself, and some absolute belter of a chick whose name I don’t know.

I was just wondering if she still cruises the Cape Town shores, because she is a spicy chick indeed. Almost the perfect girl, I remember her being quite sweet.

Look she’s probably banging a male model right now, but you know, if you’re single, don’t hesitate to kick into the SLXS office in the whipped cream bikini.

Thanks babe.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Good grief, I found these photos from my old website (That one…) and was still quite shocked, all these years later!

There is this stuff in the shops called “Drink O Pop” and it’s like an Oros type vibe, but only super concentrated and super fake.

Look, there are diseases we don’t know how to cure, and diseases which we don’t know the causes of.

Enter Dr Lloyd (Cool, I can answer my phone on the golf course now) with the probable cause of global warming, AIDS, cancer, TB, West Nile Virus, Congo Fever, syphillis (Jokes Kate, we all know you are the cause of that. Spicy!) and the very rare, but very potent Danny K.

It’s called Drink O Pop, and it’s basically all disease!

I did a quick test to see whether it could replace the highlighter in my office. Wherever that is.

Result: Affirmative!

This is what it looks like in your basin:

Interestingly it’s not on the World Health Organisations list of diseases, nor does it feature as a prominent ingredient at the Koeberg Nuclear power plant.

If you are poor though it’s great because it’s really cheap, 200ml’s makes 8 litres and it will kill you before your debt does.

So it DOES have it’s uses!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I love it how every year people get dressed up for the J&B Met in Cape Town, and then sweat their tits off. Then I swagger in and make a complete mockery of everyone by rolling shorts, collared shirt…and in 2009…a poor boy hat!

This year the theme was glitz and glamour.
Imagine!

Check, check, check it:

What else did we see?

Some horrendous cop toe:

This sign, which I call bullshit:

Jimmy Hendrix:

And the pearler, this guy at the after party, lapsakdooi!

High five my man, this chap deserves a case of beer.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Some of you may not know this, but I kind of stopped drinking two weeks before new years, and then got absolutely broken on new years, and then stopped drinking again.

I then decided to only drink on special occassions, so naturally at the J&B Met I was completely and utterly obliterated.

But now I’m fine, although I did slip up on Wednesday night, I won’t lie. I went out and went mental and was hanging like a bee-atch the next morning. It was so, so, so painful but all had returned on the health front, except for pissing blood and the kidney stones of cirrhosis of the liver.

Anyway, you can look like this and still save the planet:

That was me on Wednesday evening, not even posing, that was the look of a man consumed in alcohol! I realised I had driven out, and there was no chance that I could drive, let alone walk, so I messaged Skateboard J to fetch me, and then slept over at his pad.

I woke up in the morning thinking that I was in some Japanese families wreck room (And they would NOT stop screaming!) I came round a few minutes later and realised I was in Skateboard J’s pad, so I stumbled into the kitchen and got stuck into the pizza his girlfriend and him had shared the previous night. Washing this down with some cream soda I felt like the rock star that I was, and still am.

I was smashing pizza into my face, hard in order to save my life. And little did I know, as I tried to fight a hangover that was set to consume my super powers, that while eating pizza I was saving the planet! Good grief! Check me out, this is the type of person your mother warned you not to date:

Anyway, I can’t say I’m too into writing this right now, but here are some things St Elmos are doing to help save the planet, in a little way (Every bit counts…motherfucker):

• Printing menus on eco-friendly paper
• They burn, wherever possible, alien, water thirsty wood like Port Jackson and Black Wattle

Ah bugger it, I’m over it. Click HERE to read the rest.

So that’s what I looked like on Thursday, but miracles do happen and I managed to bust out the Mane and Tail and polish myself up to this last night:

It’s so funny that I wasn’t even posing for that, the camera caught me completely off guard! It just takes pictures of me wile I’m chilling.

Madness!

Or Sparta?

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was chatting to someone the other day on a cellular telephone who said she was busy eating a burger, when I nearly choked on my fruit smoothie and nearly uttered “How about a salad?”

Anyway that has nothing to do with this, but I was browsing through the utterly ridiculous TV Magazine that comes with DSTV .

Seriously guys, how about a digital TV Magazine, that we can download onto our computer, and then have a search function, so if we know Zoolander was on this month, we can search Zoolander, and it will bring it up.

BOOM! Save money on postage, fuel delivering these magazines and more importantly, paper.

We like to call this “forward thinking” but DSTV are obviously a little slow on this.

So I’m skirmishing through the DSTV magazine when I come across the anti-Sean, Slim Coffee!

Seriously, is this a joke?

Let me indulge you, this is bad ass:

R149 for 100 grams.
“The new instant weight loss coffee that burns away calories. Suppresses your appetite and helps burn unwanted fat. It gives you an energy boost without jitters, harsh epedra or after taste. Slim Coffee turns your body into a high-energy fat burning system that revs up your metabolism.”

OH

MY

WORD

It’s hope to overweight people out there, that yes, they can eat all the pies and drink them with Coke Zero and they will still look like Megan Fox.

News Flash: IT WON’T!

You must actually see me right now, I’m in complete hysterics that this advert made it into the world. I’m sweating profusely, hallucinating…

It’s full on filth in these parts, but I think I can be excused because this is going beyond ridiculous. Seriously, I’m losing it here. Can’t…go…on…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I shit you not, it’s like 2:33am and I just woke up thinking of you.

I remembered that there is a sale on at Fabiani at the V&A Waterfront, Cavendish Square and Willowbridge.

It’s so mental!

I went out and got a pair of G-Stars (Size 30 waist, ithankyou!) and they are SO sick. Skinny, you know, to fit my sexual body, and raw denim, which we will educate you about in the future.

So head down to Fabiani while the sale is on, and give the finger to this so called threat of a “recession”

It’s getting pathetic, England hits a recession and then gets blanketed in snow, and some people say “the grass is greener on the other side”

Well I tell you what, if there is any grass on the other side it’s pretty fucked with frostbite now, or my buddies have smoked it.

Either way there is no grass on the other side and you should be in Cape Town.Apparently there are fresh mushrooms on the other side, which is weird, because I always thought they grew in grass.

I’d still rather take shitty weed and Cape Town, than great shrooms and London.

But the weeds pretty good as well so it’s what we call a win-win situation.

Sean Lloyd

Editor