Not too much say here really, but one of South Africa’s finest exports, Seether, are coming to play in Cape Town at The Grand Arena at Grandwest.

Who? Seether

Where? Grand Arena, Grandwest Casino and Entertainment World

Date? Sunday 15 June 2008

Time? Gates open at 18:00 and the concert starts at 20:00

Book your tickets over HERE at Computicket.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We spent a little bit of time in the leafy, student, alcohol ravaged place of Stellenbosch a little time back and once again I was enormously pleased with the people on display. Stellenbosch is fuelled by students, and the students are fuelled by cheap cane and cream soda as we would come to know on our day visit there.

I arrived fairly early in the day and settled into some Colin McRae: Dirt on the X-Box. This was going well until I realised that I’m better on the X-Box when I’m not so nervous about crashing the car. So I needed a drink. This is one time where it’s fine to drink and drive.

The shop was only around the block but I was stiff from playing Nintendo Wii the previous day and so we thought “What the hell, petrols only R10 a litre so we might as well drive”

We cruised to the Casa Del Bottlio Storio and picked up a bottle of Tanqueray gin( Gin and tonic- I just like to keep my body guessing. One day it’s wine, the next vodka, the next it’s gin. Like any good personal trainer will tell you, you should always vary your workouts as that way your body will grow stronger. This way of drinking ensures my liver never has time to become weak)

We then drove around another corner to the petrol station, where we visited the convenience store to pick up some ice. Now on your average Cape Town day, you will not spot some belter in a petrol station store. But as I was reaching deep into the ice freezer someone walked in without me knowing. Some blonde girl. Now when planning my trip through to The Bosch I never factored this in. When I visit friends in Pinelands I never think “Ok I better look good, spray on some cologne, and actually bother showering right before I leave” because the chances are high that the only people I will see at the petrol station shop are the cashiers, and some drunk guy outside begging for money.

Stellenbosch presents an ever trickier situation, as literally around every corner, there is another girl. Another hot girl.

They are everywhere, it’s bordering on ridiculous. Early in the mornings you see girls(And guys for that matter) walking down the streets, limping, make up smeared, and probably thinking “Ag nee man, can’t believe I slept with that Swamp Donkey. Oh well…I was drinking cane and cream soda…this happens. I wonder where we drinking tonight”

So as I was saying…I’m in the petrol station looking like a bus has hit me. Looking terrible and this girl is there, just waiting while her friends card was repeatedly rejected at the till. Now because I looked like hell, I needed to at least act cool, throw in some “I’m Barry White” body language. Unfortunately for me, I literally was ice cold. With only one till open, I was forced to stand behind this girl, with a bag of ice in my left hand. On the verge of frostbite, I just couldn’t let up. I couldn’t put the bag down and swear, because my hand was about to die.

I just had to stand there. Eventually she moves away from the till, but then decided to draw money from the ATM in the store, so her hot blonde friend continues to stand right next to me. I then walk up to the till, heave the bag onto the counter and try to get some coins out of my wallet, with a hand that is now about as good as chopsticks at holding my wallet and coins. I try get some coins out, but due to cell damage in my hands, drop a coin.

Acting like I didn’t notice it, I thought to myself “It’s cool it’s probably a 5c piece”

So I give the cashier my money, about to take my slip and leave and I hear “Sorry me you dropped R5″

I turn around. It’s not the blonde girl but someone else.

Trying to act cool, and don’t ask me why on earth I did this, I casually say:

“No you can keep it”

Looking back on this she probably took it as arrogance on my part as if to say “No you keep the R5, you need it more than me”

I uttered this pathetic line and then walked straight out the shop, got in the car and went home. How embarrassing am I?

Anyway I’m over it now but I still think Stellenbosch is a goldmine. There is plenty of booze as all the vineyards are in the area so you are never short of cheap alcohol. And another thing we spoke about is the fact that in Stellenbosch anyone can get a girlfriend.

Cape Town is a little trickier what with all the girls being models and sometimes wealtheir than the guys, so they don’t really need boyfriends because they can support themselves. But in Stellenbosch everyone is a student and so everyone is broke.

Girls just want anyone, hence the abnormally high score rate in Stellenbosch. Guys who reside in Stellenbosch also just want anyone. Girls also don’t seem to be that phased by what guys look like, because I know some people who battle to get a conversation going with girls, but they go to Stellenbosch and suddenly they are Don Juan.

This is all good but Stellenbosch does give you a false sense of confidence. It’s so easy to come right in Stellenbosch that when you get back to Cape Town you think you are an absolute failure. From scoring four girls in  night, you go to scoring…none. Ever. Because you try and go for girls with the same looks as the Stellenbosch ones. The only problem is that the Cape Town girls are much wealthier, and don’t want you. They want other rich and famous guys.

The false sense of confidence can only be described as you going into a fist fight with an AK 47. You win the fight and suddenly you think you are a good fighter for some reason.

But then you go into a regular fist fight with no weapons you get cleaned.

So you going into Stellenbosch is you with an AK 47.

Going into La Med is you going in just with your bare hands.

It’s a fairly tricky situation, and you should obviously always try go for the wealthy Cape Town models as I like to think I do. This goes for both guys and girls.

But when you are out of luck there’s only one thing to do boys and girls.

STELLENBOSCH!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

 UPDATE: Looking for American Crew products in Cape Town? Manology has since closed down, and we now deal with Mantality.co.za for all our American Crew products. Click the banner below to order American Crew products safely and securely online from Mantality.co.za

I’m not afraid to admit that I probably spend more time on my hair than your girlfriend does. Or than you if you are in fact a lady. It’s just that…it’s the only thing I have going for me. My looks faded after doing an advert for The Cape Argus (True story) and my modelling career went down the tubes. The dreams of Paris, Milan and Gucci were swept away. Anyway now I draw attention to my hair, but I would not do this if I was using R30 gel from Pick ‘n Pay.

I always go for the premium range and I’m quite friendly with Redken, Tigi, Joico and all the rest of the crew.

So I walk into the hair stylist the other day and I’m browsing around when a lady comes up behind me ( Ooooooh…naughty naughty) and says:

“Can I help you sir?”

I slowly turn around and realise it’s the same girl who always helps me. Embarrassing.

“Oh it’s you again weren’t you here the other day?”

“I was yes but I now got my haircut and I need a stronger hair wax. Maybe something like a paste”

“You buy a lot here!”

“Yeah well you see I’m actually kind of addicted to hair products and my hair. You know like some people have a sex addiction? Well I would have a sex addiction of it weren’t so difficult to get hold of sex. Hair products on the other hand can be picked up every day”

“Right” she mumbled.

“Have you got American Crew products?”

“No, no one in Cape Town stocks American Crew anymore.”

This was of no help to me. This is my city and I want American Crew! No I NEED American Crew.

So I left and then I remembered getting an e-mail previously from a guy called Wayne praising my witty writing styles(That’s a lie, he didn’t e-mail me to tell me that)

I also remembered that he worked at Manology which is a male grooming store of sorts which is online.

A quick little search and I was onto American Crew Fiber quicker than Lance Armstrong onto an Olsen twin.

I was quite impressed to find such a quality online store in South Africa because I was not quite sure the male grooming thing was that big in South Africa that an online store would actually work. It’s now clear to me that we are quite into looking good which is nice. I like it and I’m sure chicks dig it. Actually I’m not sure chicks dig it, I haven’t really spoken to a real, live girl in a few months.

My restraining orders are expiring so I’m quite keen to start talking to girls again, probably by the middle of June. Unfortunately when people have blocked you on Facebook it’s hard to get them to accept you again and so I will probably start off chatting to the three girls I used to stalk. Obviously I won’t name names so Jacky, Kate and Melissa, your secret is safe with me.

Your photos are as well, on my hard drive.

Right…what was I saying? Ignore that previous bit of rambling I don’t even remember writing it but I’m sure some people are fascinated by my life and would like to hear it.

Soooooooooo…I saw that American Crew Fiber was available at Manology and quickly smashed an order through for the 100 gram tub. It’s not cheap but then neither are drugs. What?

American Crew Fiber is the product you have been looking for if you want strong hold with a matte finish. I dig it’s vibe and it keeps my tresses in order and calms my locks as well. The best way to use it though, because it’s quite a solid product, is to rub it between your hands before you use it. After that it’s green for GO GO GO!

I was expecting it to only arrive the following week as I placed my order on a Wednesday. Well you would not believe the feeling of excitement when I went to my P.O Box on Friday, only about 48 hours after ordering, and my Manology order was there! But the guys at Manology have their stuff sorted and also send you sample products with your orders.

I received a sample of oil free moisturiser from Baxter of California. Which is awesome because no longer do girls need to brush their delicate little hands across my rugged and chiselled cheek bones and think they are touching sandpaper. Winter is a harsh time and your skin will probably be looking like hell so it’s worth moisturising. Unless you don’t want any action in winter. Obviously it’s raining quite a lot lately so you don’t want to leave the house and some of you might be a little shy at buying moisturiser in the shops. Which is why you can order moisturisers HERE at Manology! I’m not shy at all and buy all sorts of stuff that makes me look like a chick. But when you need all the help you can get…you need all the help you can get!

My score rate is directly proportional to the amount of time and money I spend on grooming products such as face washes, scrubs, moisturisers and hair products.

I also received a little sample of Nickel “Eau Maximum” as it says in the delicate little bottle. It didn’t really suit me so I’m sticking to Gucci for the winter. I should mention again here that if you want chicks to go mental for you you should probably be using the Gucci I use (Click HERE for my fragrance choice). It doesn’t work for me but girls have said:

“You see that fat, short guy over there?”

“Yes” I say

“Well if he were wearing the Gucci you are wearing I would totally smash him in bed”

“And what about me?” I say sheepishly.

“No not a chance”

So that’s where my life is at at the moment. The guys at Manology also have that personal service vibe about them and my invoice came with a handwritten note saying “Enjoy your product. The Manology team” They also reply to your e-mails which is quite novel, considering some companies you e-mail and you hear nothing for weeks.

Manology have a whole range of things to make you a better looking person. It’s well known that better looking people do better in life. Mick Hucknall is a scientific mystery but hey…he probably moisturises. It’s true that a well groomed, clean looking and confident gentleman will always get the model girlfriend. Unless you’re in Hollywood where everyone seems to get the hot girl no matter what they look like.

A personality and a wicked sense of humour also works but unfortunately I can’t help you with that. What I can however do is send you over to MANOLOGY where they will groom you proper.

Then take a cruise to Camps Bay, park your Uno Fire on a back road, saunter into Caprice and go score that model.

You’ve earned it big guy.

Click MANOLOGY to be directed to the Manology website.

My pleasure.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Note: This article is just a mash up of various conversations I have heard, and not related to any specific one, so you kind of get the point. Cool.

It’s always amusing to hang out with different crowds in your lifetime. While you may belong to one specific crowd most of the time, it’s always cool to hang out with other people because the way people act, and the things they talk about are a source of constant amusement.

With the local news sources loving the whole crisis in the country at the moment, it is refreshing to remove yourself from that crowd and chat with people who have other important things on their agenda. Like older females.

Which is what I did, I hung out with some of the older, wealthier crowd and surprisingly the weather has been coming up a lot. Now I never got involved hectically in conversations with these people, but I rather giggled from the sideline, as they got into serious conversations about the weather and their views on it, as thought they studied meteorology. The only things they study with a Hawk’s eye are their husbands bank accounts, to see that they can buy some more La Mer eye cream at the end of the month.

I think people in Cape Town believe that once we hit a certain day of the year, a new season automatically starts. Now that the date is the 26th of May people think it wrong that we should have a sunny day.

“You know Joan this weather is doing very funny things, look at it today, it’s a beautiful day!”

“I know but you know what I think?”

“What?” Denise says as though she were listening in on a conversation at the White House.

“I think we are just going to have very concentrated downpours late in the winter. That Al Gore was right, everythings changing, it’s got to do with that whole global warming thing”

“I know and you know I have only just started recycling all my household waste, it’s unbelievable how much I used to throw away”

“You know we have to recycle these days”

Suddenly Diana butts into the conversation.

“It’s very hot today isn’t it?”

“We were just talking about that isn’t it strange?” Says Denise.

And so the conversation goes, in circles, until an hour has gone by and you realise these old chicks have spoken about nothing interesting AT ALL! Not only that, they have spoken the biggest load of rubbish you will ever hear.

The way they dramatise things is awesome as well, as though this stuff is important to national security.

“If we don’t conserve water there is going to be none left you know, I always turn off my tap when I brush my teeth now” Says Denise who lives in Constantia and has a garden the size of Borneo and consumes probably more water than the entire suburb of Claremont!

Elderly, wealthy suburban women come up with the most bizarre topics of conversation, always dramatic though as to make out as their lives are so tough! Meanwhile back at the ranch their husband is CEO of a major company and they earn R50000 a month on investments alone in their name.

But rich friends always have poor friends and so they downplay their situation to the poor friends.

“The price of petrol is ludicrous though” Rich friend says

“I know we just sold our car, traded it in for a Clio, we are saving a lot more money” Says the poor(ish) friend.

“Oh we just bought a new Land Crusier but we need it you know, John and myself like to take the boat up to Hermanus every now and then so we need a big car, but it’s just so expensive around town.” Says rich friend, just to make the poor friend feel better. The poor friend ends up just feeling poorer!

“The price of petrol is ludicrous!” Says the rich wife, as she starts her brand new supercharged BMW X5, and charges off into the Camps Bay sunset.

“I don’t know how ANYONE can afford property these days” Says the rich wife to her poor friend, all the while drinking a glass of Moet and admiring the ocean view.

I believe each and every one of you should hang out with elderly(Well not too old, like 50-ish) suburban women.

The topics of conversation will be the petrol price, the price of food, the weather and anything else dramatic and exciting.

“Organic food! I only eat that now, pesticides are harmful” The wealthy wife says, while taking a long drawn out drag on a pencil thin cigarette. You won’t hear these chicks just having a chilled afternoon conversation!

Although once the white wine starts getting knocked down the hatch you will hear stories of how they would do illegal things to their sons friend, who is 26 years old and models. You will also hear stories about how their husbands drink too much, eat too much junk food and how they don’t really love them, but they have a good lifestyle.

It’s awesome to listen in on the conversations of elderly women. The guys are a lot simpler:

“Jissus our okes got a snot klap in the rugga this weekend hey?”

“Hey barmen when are the C02 shortages going to stop, I’m battling here drinking my brandewyn straight hey, this Coke shortage is kak man”

“No I must go now hey, my missus is going to kak me out if I’m late again”

And so it goes…the lifestyles of the rich and the famous.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

This car is what you would typically see a Bellville Bomber driving. There is a chance that a Parow Arrow might also drive something like this.

It’s typically the crowd that spend thousands kitting out their cars with sound systems (Rockford Fosgate- Try saying that when your two front teeth are missing), rims, jacuzzis, Microsoft X-Box’s and anything over the top like that. However, upon further questioning, you find out that they drive a million rand car and live in a R100000 house. Such is their education…

Try these rims on for size:

Rad.

Also the type of car a certain crowd will see and shout “Naai, kyk die Snoopdeville!”

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

“I like a nice pair of slacks and am rarely late” 

I’m starting the rumour that they accidentally spilled four billion tons of crack cocaine into Cape Town’s water supply this week.

Because I am ALL messed up in my head!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I am particularly fond of this time of the year in Cape Town when suddenly people start saying THE most bizarre things. I don’t know why it is. I’m not sure if people are doing more cocaine, tik, or just abusing the bottle, but something funny is in the air as it is every year around this time that bizarre statements come flowing from peoples mouths.

One of my favourites is “Winter is definitely here!”

Well…you don’t say!

Cold? Check

Dark? Check

Raining? Check

Thunder and lightning? Check

22nd of May? AFFIRMATIVE!

All of this does tend to point to the fact that…yes…we may well be heading into winter, but there is  no need to make it the current topic of conversation. That’s like saying, every day at sunset, “Well nighttime is DEFINITELY coming”

It’s PA-THE-TIC! To make it even more beautiful, a couple of weeks ago one of our local newspapers actually let us know that winter was coming, or was here or something. If I’m not mistaken, it was the waste of trees Cape Argus. Clearly when there is no news worth reporting, we can actually resort to talking about the weather. Which in fact is about as embarrassing as chatting to some chick you have liked for years, and when you eventually speak to her, you realise you have nothing in common and you begin to talk about the weather. It’s just blind.

Another favourite of mine is chatting to people whenthey throw in this pearler…

“So Jimmy, how you doing buddy?”

“No I think I’m coming down with a bit of the flu hey”

“Really, is your body aching?”

“No”

“Are you sweating?”

“No”

“Fever?”

“No, but I just have a blocked nose hey, I think I must go to the doctor and get some flu tablets”

OH. MY. GOD! You cannot be serious, if I hear one more person calling the common cold, “The Flu” I’m going to book a plane ticket straight to Botswana and go live in the bush. I know people who get flu about three of four times a year.

No jokes, I have had it once in my life and I could hardly move I was so buggered!

So seriously…don’t even try tell me you have flu if you just have a cold because I will kick you in the head. With my Cat boots. Then as you are falling down I will smack you on the back of the head with a cricket bat.

And as your body is about to hit the ground I will kick you in the back.

Then one punch…BAM…POW…in your shins.

Another roundhouse kick…WAZAAAM…in the groin.

Then you will know what it feels like to have flu.

Ladies and gentleman, I thank you for your time.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Obviously when you are living in a city, you don’t always have the time to whip out to a dam, or a river somewhere and so you need to bring the action closer to home if you like the pursuit of water borne sports. A friend of mine, Andy B, happens to have a winch which he likes to throw in the back of the truck and then a mission is made to see where the winch can be set up.

To the illiterate out there, and the bricks, a winch basically is just a motor of sorts and it pulls a rope in. So in effect we can hang onto this rope and be pulled by it, and thus we can surf across ponds in the greater Cape Town area. It also comes in handy at Fish Hoek I believe, although I missed that winch mission as I was at Investec that day.

It’s definitely in the same league as Xtreme Sterri Stumping, in the way that it is on the breaking edge of defining a new culture, this time “Urban Mayhem” in Cape Town. It’s things like these that keep us looking so youthful. In fact, a production company made a little video of our winch mission which was in a pond somewhere near…I actually have no idea where we were. That is not important though.

What is important is the fact that we are redefining a culture, like the foot skating boys did. So if you see a herd cruising around in a white bakkie, with a winch on it, you know it’s the crew. The video will surely be posted here, complete with some awesome beats.

Peter…bracing himself

Andy B launching the winch

So that’s it but the best part is the video which we will be loading soon. Just one of the many ways in which we max out the Cape Town action. Winch missions can be set up anywhere and can waste absolute hours of your time which is awesome!

By the way did this on a school day. No big deal! I also like to only party on school nights…rebel.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It turns out I’m borrowing a Nintendo Wii for a few days because I just have to. There is something I need to write for an online magazine, which has not been launched yet, and so that’s where the Wii comes in. I will tell you about that when it is released.

Anyway last night reminded me classically of my school days. I…like many guys at school…just had to draw a massive kok on every single black board in the school! I don’t know why but it was just something we did. Like an inner desire to showcase ourselves…or something like that.

My Geography teacher, Gary, would see myself and my buddies laughing ourselves mental, crack a little grin and then say:

“Ahhhh small things for small minds!”

Basically it has always been the little things in life that amuse me. Drawing koks on school boards. Throwing water bombs at people at school.

Wheel spinning when you are driving your parents car. Driving onto fields and doing donuts on the lawn! Trying to hit the guys who pick up balls at the driving range. Trying to get a photo of Neville at the Cavendish movies. Drinking a case of beer and then trying to come right.

Anyway last night I found myself going on a bit of a fishing excursion, from my bedroom. I was messing about on the Nintendo Wii when I came across the fishing game, which is probably one of the simplest and most mindless games on the planet. Honestly, fishing on the TV screen?

I started playing and about two hours later I had to force myself to stop because the situation I was in was absurd! I was getting hectically excited as I was catching some big fish and racking up some top scores. The funny thing is, I was having the time of my life(Don’t tell anyone) It’s a basic game and you use the controller as your fishing rod, and all you need to do is wait for the fish to bite, and then pull it out. That’s it really and it’s not hard at all.

You get various points for the fish you catch, and you get PUNISHED for catching fish that are too small. It’s kind of like that time I scored that 16 year old in Tin Roof…um…wait…I should keep that on the down low.

You also get major points for catching the big fish. When I caught the big beast neighbours could hear me screaming, and then shouting “GOT ME A MARLIN!” At 1am, nice.

Old lady Bernice who lives next door to me said to me this morning that she heard the screams last night and then she asked how Kate was.

“Sorry old Lady Bernice?”

“Sean I heard the screams last night, was Kate not over again?”

“Oh no don’t be silly! She has not been round in about three days old lady Bernice”

“Oh because she always makes those noises when you are thumping her”

“Yes old lady Bernice, I know, I am a love master, but she is away for work for a few days”

“Oh that’s nice but you do take care Sean and treat her well she is a swell gal”

“Thanks old lady Bernice, and don’t you go dying on me!”

Old lady Bernice is the sweetest old lady, and what she was referring to was the fact that I have lately been bringing this model home, and we go on all night, and because I am quite a Don Juan, she can’t help but screaming and waking the neighbours. So that’s the story there.

Riiiiight…

This is what we’re dealing with

Small fry: That’s what she said

Got me a marlin!

But when you get to my age and find yourself playing this until 1am, you begin to worry about the state of your mental health…I bet there were people last night at that time partying, pulling angels and having a great time. And there I was catching fake fish in my room. I had an awesome time though, and I will probably do some more fishing today.

Right after I finsih this game of Wii tennis.

The Nintendo Wii is awesome though and I’d highly recommend it as a time waster of choice, obviously in second place to this website.

Catching fish on Nintendo Wii at 1am on a Tuesday morning…I am too cool…I mean…what’s not to like?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Always in the pursuit of happyness, I was searching around on some websites today doing research of sorts. I managed to window shop at Distell, Edward Snell and Brandhouse when I cam across an absolute treat and you probably don’t know about it yet. But that’s where I come in!

So I stumbled upon the Bergkelder Vinoteque Wine Bank. What is it you may ask? That’s exactly what I asked myself when I found it. Luckily there is a FAQ section. And I tell you what…this is quite something! On the about section you are told that you get your own private cellar, optimally matured wines, the services of a Cellar-master, delivery service, a unique tasting and entertainment facility and buying just one case of wine makes you a member!

So the Vinoteque is a wine bank where wines are matured under perfect conditions and you can select from the wines on offer. And the website says it’s only R22 per year to mature a case of wine.

Good Lord!

“Jones, won’t you get me another glass of that caber…caber…cabinet sov…sov-in…sovin-yon. Yes that Cabinet Sov-in-yon! Oh it’s delicious!”

“Why of course sir”

Jones the butler pours a tipple for his master.

“Oh I can taste the juniper berries…and…oooooh a hint of red pepper with a leafy oak tree on the end note and a just a hint of…is that…is that…raspberry…yes it is! Jones that is spectacular!”

“Sir that was your Grapetizer starter”

“What? Are you mad? Jones don’t ridicule me like that! I know my wines and I know them well and that is a damn good 1987 Cabinet Sooooo…vin…um…yon.”

“Of course yes sir”

Just goes to show, most of these flavours they talk about are made up.

But the wine bank is a cool idea anyway, if anything, when chatting to Cape Towns notorious ice queens at Ignite, you can tell them that you have your own wine cellar.

That should be a good ice breaker. Another good ice breaker with these Ice Queens is “I have a villa in Camps Bay and an AMEX Black card” They fall for rich guys ALL the time.

But this is not an option for all of us.

Click VINOTEQUE for the website and all the details.

While I’m at it, if you want to buy South African wine online then please visit GETWINE.CO.ZA

Oh…and there is also The Wine Of The Month Club.

It’s winter so let us drink to that!

Please drink responsibly and in moderation etc etc… it makes me sound good.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So the week before last I was quite busy and I had to pay a little visity visit visit to Investec in Cape Town. Yeah the place where guys pack it in at 1pm to go to Beluga for lunch in their Bentleys and Rolls. So anyway, the situation was that I had to deliver three magnums of Moet & Chandon to Investec. God knows why, but it was expensive stuff(This is a true story)

So I roll in thinking that due to my stature and well cultivated name I would breeze past security and walk into the twilight zone, deliver the booze, lunge for Jane in accounts, get a handski in the mail room and then leave.

Well no!

I walked in the front doors to be met by the reception lady, who asked where I was from and who I was coming to visit. So I give her all the necessary details, and she tells me to get into the lift and go to the 4th floor or something. So I do this, and get to another floor where I see another reception desk, manned by quite a stunner. She was very domineering though and I didn’t even attempt to try and hook her, because that would be asking for my main chap to be chopped off and fed to the pigeons. So I see her, a security guard and a set of turnstiles which can only be accessed with this guys security card.

I stroll up to the desk of this chick in her power suit and tell her what I’m here for, which is to try and find a sexy girlfriend. No that’s a lie, but it would be cool. Winter is getting lonely! I let her know that I was the safeguarder of the Moet and that I was here to deliver it. She asks for my name and cellphone number, which I thought was very forward of her! I mean honestly…we hadn’t even spoken and I had not shown her mine, and she had not shown me hers. I was liking it, the whole dominatrix thing. Like a chick picking you up in a bar.

But this never happens because chicks who do that are a little rough, probably ride Harleys and chain smoke Texan plain. And they will chop your kok off and sacrifice it to the diesel dykes.

So then I think “Cool it’s over, she should let me through” She then says to me “Look into the camera”

By this stage I was highly confused and I think I was wearing my “I’m a brick and have an IQ of 12″ face. I did not have a clue why she was asking me to look into the camera, so I looked at it with the dumbest face possible. She could have at least said “Pose for the camera, you sexy man beast you” and at least then I could have angled my head a bit to show my chiseled cheek bones.

But no, I stood there, sweating from the drive, looking at the camera as though I were being sentenced to prison for shagging a goat, and I see her press a button ad BOOM…photo taken! This might sound really stupid, but I didn’t register at first that she was going to actually take a photo. I didn’t even register when she asked me to look into the camera.

Why else would she ask me to look into the camera? There is only one reason and that is to take a photo of me. But I am so stupid I didn’t realise this. Now Investec have my details on their system and my beautiful photo. It’s highly embarrassing that the worst photo ever taken of me has to be stored on Investecs database for everyone to laugh at! Funny guys…but after laugh laugh comes cry cry!

Investec is like a palace though, with gourmet food being seen on some of the desks, people sitting takka takka takka-ing on their keyboards, making millions, thinking about the Camps Bay party in the evening, trying to hook up with the hot girls working with them and so the story goes. I won’t lie there were a few people working there that I would definitely tap. Unfortunately my look on the day was not dapper, it was rather of me wearing worn cargo pants, sweating like a hooker with three magnums of Moet under my arm.

I either looked like a serial killer or a raging alchoholic.

Not the best of looks when you are trying to impress these 30 something angels in their power suits.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Every so often something on the internet catches my eye. Sometimes it’s Gisele Bundchen naked, sometimes it’s breaking news, other times it’s just stupid celebrity stuff such as Megan Fox looking smoking hot. But a lot of the time it has got to do with money, and the excess lifestyle that can be had if you are heir to an oil fortune or just happen to have parents that invented Tik(Methamphetamine) Then you generally have loads of cash. However, there are some things you just cannot afford, even if you are fairly wealthy and stay in a decent suburb.

I bet you cannot afford R250000 per night to stay in a villa in Cape Town during World Cup 2010! Thats a quarter of a million ront every single day! And it doesn’t even come with a happy ending…nor are the walls sand blasted with cocaine! It’s quite outrageous, but even more outrageous is the fact that there will be someone out there who will be able to afford it. Think about it, 8 nights stay there and you could have pumped a R2 million house…and kept it!

But then again R250000 is not that much when you see how much money some people have. It’s probably a days worth of interest for some. In those terms it’s nothing really. R250000 is probably their equivalent of my R250. I won’t lie though, you would definitely come right in that villa. I don’t even know why I mentioned that because it’s SO obvious.

Bra…off

Panties…off

Making kids while enjoying the view…affirmative

You play it all cool though. You come off Clifton, tanned, white boardshorts, and put on a cream linen shirt. You comb your hair back and slip on your Gucci shades. All very low key stuff here.

You walk up to La Med and take a seat near to the hottest women at La Med. You inch closer to her. Eventually you are sitting right next to her, with a Coke looking drink in your hand(There is a reason)

“Hello” you say, in a faux European accent vibe thing.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you” you purr.

“Um…sort of…” she says nervously.

“Can I buy you a drink?” you say, with a twinkle in your eyes.

“Um…I kind of have a boyfriend, and he is going to be here soon, but thanks”

“I don’t know how to put this…but I have a very small penis”

“Um…what? Can you please move away from me freak show”

“That came out all wrong. I have a very small penis, and so to compensate for that I decided my only chance was to become disgustingly wealthy. I’m kind of…I’m kind of a billionaire”

“A billionaire drinking that shitty drink”

“That is a Lagavulin my lady”

“No buddy that’s Coke!”

“Yes, a Lagavulin and Coke. I sometimes actually wash my dishes with Lagavulin, I have tons of the stuff. What I wanted to tell you was that I have no natural charm. And a very small wang. But I’m very rich”

At this point you get up, and drop a bank statement in her lap confirming that you are a billionaire. She looks up at you with those “I could swallow a tree trunk” eyes. She stands up, you take her hand, you crack wood.

Right then her boyfriend comes sauntering up and confronts you.

“What are you doing with my girlfriend FOOL” he demands, as you are now holding her delightfully perky ass.

“I have a one inch penis”

And then you just walk off, leaving him dazed and confused. That’s it really. If you had huge cash, a situation like this would not be far out of reach. Obviously the boyfriend might want to kill you, but that is why you have a bodyguard.

I don’t know where this story was going, but it just goes to show that no matter how ugly, or small you are, money will cure all.

So if you are battling to come right or are just not as well hung as Ron Jeremy, then you should consider becoming a billionaire. It works wonders.

Trust me, this villa is what we refer to as a panty dropper.

Click HERE to check out some more pics. And anyone wanting to sponsor me a night at the villa for free, don’t hesitate to contact.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

A little reminder, there are a few parties coming up.

Click URBAN WAVE and TWENTY BRAND to see what is happening.

Sweet.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

An interesting thing about last week’s Good Food and Wine show was that it was actually labelled The GOOD Food and Wine Show. Clearly their idea of good and my idea of good are two completely opposite things. For one they had a pie stand. This is great because I was hammered beyond all means and pies did look good, and they were free. But it’s not really what you would expect at a food show. There was also the stand giving away samples of crumbed chicken. Again, when completely debauched this looks like a good option and it is. But it does not really fall under the theme of “good”

I won’t lie the only reason I went was because there was loads of wine on offer. I don’t really drink wine but for R45 I could not resist tasting every single available wine three or four times over.

Things at the CTICC are not always planned too well, and sometimes we go to things there that are not ideal. I heard Winex was a bit of a mess. Look, if I had not drunk as much as I did as the Good Food and Wine Show, it might not have been that good. But I did and it was.

Another interesting thing was the bag you received upon entry. You are more likely to get better food at a night shelter…and I’m not joking. I didn’t expect to receive any food in the bad but I did get a packet of ACE instant porridge(Maize) Classy. Then there was the Royco Cottage Pie Cook in Sauce. Again, classy. Packed with MSG and with nothing “good” about it, you would think we were sitting in at amateur hour.

Maize. A delicacy. In Zimbabwe.

I don’t really have much more to say because it bores me, but the game could be stepped up for next year.

Alternatively I will have to drink a vat of wine again and see what happens…

Apologies to the sober people at the food show. You were probably bored. I wasn’t, I had the time of my life.

By the display I put on I think the whole of Cape Town knows I had an awesome time!

Sean Lloyd

Editor