I’m not even going to begin this by lying to you. So I won’t lie, I have basically been by myself the entire day (My Facebook friends are dropping by the double digits daily as my writing intensifies and people have begun to hate me, and avoid me like you would the plague)

So it’s Sunday, and I have been tapping the wine fridge (R5000, thanks for coming) pretty much the entire day In Pursuit of Happyness. I can’t say it’s worked that well but I am beginning to see some sort of light. I think it’s the light above my desk, but anyway.

So Sundays are normally consumed by me being alone, drinking stuff that probably should not be drunk, and then going onto Facebook to see who I will most likely have kids with one day. It’s a nicer way of saying that Sundays are spent on Facebook stalking random girls that I have met and trying to find out exactly what they like, so I can suitably impress them, or roofie them, or whatever. Eye Gene…

Anyway, I’m on this birds page (Katie, no need to worry, I won’t let anyone know your name. It’s my secret) and I see an advert for a place called “Mantality” The advert actually said something about male grooming or something of the sort. I should mention here that I don’t moisturise, neither do I drink Savannah, nor do I use hair products.

Anyway I thought I should click this ad anyway, even though I shy away from male grooming myself. I get onto the Mantality website, and it’s obviously trying to follow in the path created by Manology, who I have used before. So I’m cruising around, looking at moisturisers (Joking dad,the only aftershave I use is Old Spice like you taught me. Nothing like that burn after shaving!) I then see a page called “Sex”

Obvioushleeey being a couple of glasshes of wine down…that’s lie…maybe two bottles…I was quite keen to check this section out.

Well well! I was shocked!

(Insert gasping sounds…breathing in deeply…eyes wide)

There is some crazy stuff there! I’m not joking, Mantality is like MENTAL at the moment! I’m fairly well read and intelligent (Yeah go ahead ahead and laugh. After laugh laugh comes cry cry) but there is stuff there that I never knew existed.

Check some of this stuff out (Kids please go watch the Cartoon Network):

Firstly we have the Fleshlight Original Ice Lady. I had no idea what this was until the description informed me:

“As you penetrate the velvety soft Real Feel Super Skin you will experience the absolute finest in simulated intercourse known to man”

OK! RIGHT! Check the weather outside, it’s mad! Hey mom how you doing! Hey dad! Wooo hoooo! Yeah just shaved my balls…

Quite interesting there. Moving along:

“The Monkey Spanker”

“The Monkey Spanker Vibrator is a brand new tool for spanking the monkey. Based on an innovative diaphragm design…”

Oh GRIEF! This is too much for me ha ha! I can now confirm that my teeth are stained red from the wine and this stuff is too funny.

I mean…let’s not even get into the “Tenga Deep Throat Cup” or the “Tenga Double Hole Cup”

“Oh howzit mom”

“What am I doing? Not much hey, just spending a few grand on a double hole cup for myself and some stuff to choke myself out with. And a monkey spanker. Hey? What is that? Oh it’s just a new rice cooker from Miele. Oh that thing…no it’s the name of a new range of pots I just bought from Le Creuset. Cool, later mo-izzle”

You start off by having one drink on a Sunday, the next thing you know you are looking at fake holes, chatting to your mom on the phone and realising the absurdity of the situation.

I’m on the phone to my folks while looking at sex toys and I’m drunk.

Ahhhh Sunday…the day of the Lord.

Fabulous!

Sean Lloyd

Editor