Most of you will remember Galen Hossack from his surfing days in South Africa and that’s where I first came across Galen. Then you lose touch for a while and the next thing you know Galen seems to be doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that! So I decided to catch up with Galen a week or three ago to see what he is currently involved in. Here we go.

Sean Lloyd: Galen, everyone probably remembers you as a surfer and now you have moved into music, can you just give us a quick re-cap on your main surfing achievements?

Galen Hossack: I won SA Champs U/16, won the Billabong Junior Pro twice, made the SA team twice, came 5th in World Games and 7th in World Champs, both U/19. In the World Champs I beat Mick Fanning in the quarters.

SL: You are also involved in a website called loadtheshow (Click for link) Could you briefly describe this concept and tell us how you came up with the concept of free downloads and paid artists?

GH: You have websites with pirated music on them and they are making tons of cash off advertising. We just gave the advertising money to artists, made it legal through asking artists to load their own stuff up and the more they market the site, the more cash we can give back to them. I think it’s a pretty simple concept really. I don’t know why it wasn’t done before. Fear and greed probably.

SL: And is loadtheshow proving to be a sustainable business model?

GH: Like all internet businesses the margins are very small because the barriers to entry are virtually zero. So it’s all about volume and unfortunately we’re hindered in that department at the moment because of high internet costs. However, the site is growing, we’re creating an awesome brand and creating awareness, so that when SA internet catches a wake up, we can offer as much as possible.

SL: Galen you seem to be involved in all sorts of things, including having your own band, The LP Show. In addition, you have a recording studio. What sorts of bands is your studio geared towards?

GH: We focus on experimenting, song writing, and having the best instruments and textures for the song rather than long hours of trying to get the right take. We’ve developed pretty efficient ways of getting round the problem of not having enough time and so we put the added hours saved into really creating an awesome song.

SL: Surfers are generally seen as laid back, do you still live the laid back surf lifestyle even though you are involved in more “normal” stuff right now?

GH: I don’t think I’ve ever conformed to the so called ‘laid back’ surfer attitude- if there is such a thing. I’ve always been exceptionally excited about life and all it has to offer. So I’ve always done a lot of other things than surf, for example I won art awards at school, did Add. maths until Matric, played guitar throughout my life etc, so perhaps my surfing is just what caught people’s attention.

So I don’t think I’ve really changed much as far as lifestyle goes. I still walk into work and check the surf report and call mates to plan surf trips. Probably too often. It’s just that other parts of my life are starting to come to the surface now. It’s been quite a drawn out difficult process, I must admit, but that’s life, that’s a challenge and that’s why you got to love it.

SL: Galen you’re living in Cape Town, what would be your favourite place where you are most likely to hang out, be it a club, restaurant or anywhere else?

GH: Hang out…I don’t really hang out too much. I kind of go somewhere, do something and get out…but if I had to commit to something, I’d say the UCT pub. It’s got cheap cold drafts, cool old school music, a lot of old friends and interesting conversation. I’m there about once a week. Maybe after a game of squash or the driving range.

Finally Galen, what do you see for the future of all your business interests and what would your dreams for them be?

GH: Before we get into the last question I’d like to drop in that I’ve got a new branch…I just recently started working for a hedge fund as an equity analyst. It’s probably one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. I think my friends and family are sick of hearing about it. It’s incredible how everything, and I mean everything that happens comes out in the stock prices of companies. From snow storms in China to, to an unforeseen granite ridge under the ground in a coal mine.

So…

I’d like to consolidate all my business ideas and interests into one one incredible being. I say ‘being’ because I want it to be so adaptable that it never runs out of ideas, never stands still and never gets caught out. I want to work with the smartest, fastest and most innovative minds across all fields and have them know that what they put in, is what they’ll get out. Nothing should be an obstacle and everything should be inspiring. I’m not sure exactly how it’s all going to fit together, but I believe I’ll find a way.

Anyway…market update…My Standard Bank short is burning me, but my Exxaro and BHP Billitons are pumping. Surf is going to be sick on Sunday and I’m meeting Bean, Jem and Birdo for some beers at the UCT pub at 6:30…

And then Galen was off. Galen would seem to be doing a little bit of everything but rather than spreading himself thin, he has an intense focus and hold on everything he does. From offering free music online, to having his own band, to having a recording studio, to being a top class surfer to working as an equity analyst, it’s hard to pin Galen down.

And so we wait to see where next Galen’s name will be seen on the business radar…

Further information, click the links below:

LP SHOW

loadtheshow

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I have absolutely no idea who Richard Dorfmeister is! Excuse me for my ignorance…

But it would seem that he is playing at Caprice very soon. Next Friday in fact. And you are quite keen to go. Ok. I’m keen myself.

So here is what we need to know and do:

Richard Dorfmeister

4 April 2008

Cafe Caprice

Camps Bay Strip

Cape Town

Click URBANWAVE to apply for an invite. You might get one. Or you might not.

Either way it will be a Friday, the boss will have left at 11am for home and you and your office mates will be smashing back whisky and beer as though the apocalypse is coming.

It’s going to be one crazy Caprice Friday. Once again I will probably be the person throwing my name the furthest. Because that’s what I do. I chuck name at any given opportunity. And on Any Given Sunday(You’d think they would have made a movie with that name already. It just sounds right. You know…I’m just throwing it out there. Movie studio bosses can take it or leave it. Base it on football or something. I don’t know)

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Just to let you know that I probably won’t be doing much in the form of writing today. I basically went to some sort of Twenty Brand party last night at Hemisphere last night where DJ Fresh was playing. As in 5fm’s DJ Fresh.

DJ Stale(How lame am I today?)

Hemisphere is ridiculous. It’s on about the 31st floor of the ABSA building in Cape Town. It’s quite a rad idea. If you fall out the window though you might be in a spot of bother. The dance floor vibe seems a bit small. But I can’t dance(I’m white and male. Justin Timberlake is an exception to this rule) Luckily the windows are not open.

The bar at Hemisphere. Hunter S Thompson’s dream

Then I woke up this morning in some Japanese persons wreck room and they WOULD NOT stop screaming! I also realised that Herschelle Gibbs bent it and got caught for drunk driving.Not ideal.

We hit up Neighbourhood in Long Street in Cape Town as well. Had some spicy food but the only thing spicier was the crowd there. Nice small, extremely good looking crowd. Try Neighbourhood out. You will probably see Gavin Williams there. He footskates there after work.

The new advert on a building in town is interesting. Something for SA FM on childhood obesity. Interesting vibe there. A little unconventional from the normal models we see around. But models never look happy. At least the chubby kid does. And I guess that’s what counts. Stick thin and unhappy or chubby and happy? Let the kid eat. Don’t paste him on a building in town! Because you know he’s going to raid the sweet store with the money he earns from his casting agency. Just perpetuating the cycle!

Chubby kids. Enjoying life.

I was also at Tiger last night you might have seen me chuck my name far into the corner. Yes that was me you saw last night shot putting my name into the corner. My reason for going was that we are getting ourselves prepped for the Blog Awards apparently. I’m not concerned whether I win or not anymore.

Because I checked the guest list and it seems to me that there are some powerful people going. I like to have a drink with powerful people. While everyone strolls around discussing “Web 2.0″ and “Marketing strategies” and “Web experts” and “Web 2.0 strategists” I will be walking around with some of the SLXS team trying to drink simply, better and faster than you.

We have the Standard Bank vibe going on there.

So once again we wake up with photos on the camera of people we don’t know. We work jobs we hate so we can buy stuff we don’t need.

Yeah I’m playing Fight Club at the moment. Let’s forget last night happened.

Remind me to type that interview. Seriously do it.

I will do it once I get back from the bank. Somehow I’m in something called “debt” after last night. My bank managers a laugh, I think he just wants to wake me up early.

Ok Alpha Bravo Charlie check it.

By the way the story on the ship thing is coming along nicely. Just battling to write it without having nightmares.

Over and out.

Ghost Rider requesting a fly by.

Negative Maverick.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I think it’s quite important that we acknowledge the birthday of Seth Rotherham, of 2oceansvibe fame. Seth seems to be coming of age lately but this has not slowed down the debaucherous lifestyle he leads. Something we all strive for.

Seth writes about drinking, about smoking and I’m sure he writes while drinking and smoking. Taking cues from Hunter S Thompson, it’s a crazy lifestyle.

Anyway, it’s his birthday and I’m sure he will be somehow graced by the TBG’s presence. The TBG will part Camps Bay beach and hover through to The Safe House with a Swedish underwear model on his back. He will deliver said model to Seth with a red bow tied at waist height. She will be wearing nothing else.

He will unwrap the bow. He will light a spliff and knock back a whisky.

And geniedit!

Happy birthday Seth.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I had the most awesome laugh the other day when meandering around the Waterfront laughing at tourists. I shouldn’t really because they kind of pay my bills. They pay YOUR bills. They make Cape Town a pool of happy people who just wander around with seemingly no direction, but meanwhile we realise that with a place like Cape Town, we are here to serve one purpose. That purpose is to party. Hard.

So I’m cruising around the Waterfront on my way to Paulaner Brahaus with Charlie V and Brendon B when I realise that the Waterfront is just another spelling for “tourist” Cape Town is a cosmopolitan city and even though it is in Africa as such, we still drink the most expensive drinks in the world, we drive the finest cars and live in beach houses. We don’t keep lions as pets and we are aware of Gucci, Prada and LV. We are in Africa but on a global scale, we are a party city with roots around the world.

But tourists have so much fun here dressing up as though they are in the bush. They go to all the African curio shops and buy massive wooden elephants and giraffes. God knows where they are going to put them on the plane, but that’s not my problem. The speaker systems outside all these shops(Around Quay Four area, going towards The Clock Tower) belt out tunes such as Toto’s Africa and anything by Johnny Clegg. Guys do all sorts of weird tribal dances in animal skins as though we are literally in the Kalahari. If you want to go to the Kalahari, then book a travel package. (On a side here: How embarrassing is the new advert with “Nasty” Naas Botha, promoting the new range of Supersport clothing at Woolworths? It’s HECTIC!)

Tourists walk around blissfully unaware that I’m wearing boxer shorts with Calvin’s name on them and I’m about to go drink German beer. Cape Town is as far removed from the stereotypical African theme as Paris Hilton is removed from clean. Or Danny K from fame. So these tourists basically walk around wearing all this weird African stuff thinking that it’s how you do it.

Do you see me going to Holland and suddenly smoking a fat joint and having a cup of coffee? Yes you do. Bad example.

The breaking point is when you are sitting at Paulaner Brauhaus, a German beer establishment, located in Cape Town, a cosmopolitan city in South Africa, while African dancers make a noise at the Clock Tower as if there is no tomorrow and you have an English person next to you in the sun going a shade of pink you never thought existed. The contrasts are just too much but they are still highly amusing.

I don’t know where I’m taking this post, other than to say that the German Tourist look at the Waterfront is ABSOLUTELY stunning!

Picture people wearing leather sandals, with knee high white socks, khaki pants, khaki shirts and wearing a big hat like Crocodile Dundee. It’s too beautiful for words.

What I wanted to show you though was a picture of a beautiful man I saw at Newlands sometime last week. We went there to watch the school rugby, where schools such as Rondebosch and Bishops were playing. We hit up a few brewskis and then went through. And then we stumbled upon someone I shall call “Piet Visagie”

That is some marvellous choice in fashion. You know…not that we want to discriminate or anything. I just think it’s important that a photo like that is shown to a wider audience than just myself. Enjoy the two tone shirt. The cargo pants. The Caterpillar boots…with shorts.

Look at it.

Enjoy it.

Marvel at it.

Geniet dit.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So there I was thinking on Sunday, while reading the Sunday Times, “Who the hell is Deandra Solomon?” She was featured as a shopper in The Sunday Times and I commented on it this week.

So after I asked who she was I received an e-mail offering more insight. Obviously not to give any names, or give anything away that I shouldn’t, I can tell you the following.

Deandra Solomon seems to have literally been dropped into money. In the same style as Paris Hilton and all the other socialites just do everything excessively on some money they happened to find one day, so Deandra follows a similiar vibe in her lifestyle. Last year she celebrated her 18th birthday at Shoka in Cape Town. Somehow Gavin Rajah designed her dress for the event, and conceptualised the event. Well if Gwen Gill says it, it must be true!

So Deandra is the granddaughter of Etty Glazer. Etty Glazer, the wife of Johannesburg multi millionaire Bernard Glazer, was kidnapped in 1966 with her 22 month old son, Sammy. The ransom was R140000.

Bernard Glazer built the President Hotel in Johannesburg which boasted 260 rooms and cost R7,5 million to construct. This was in the late 60′s I believe and so as you can imagine, that was a fair amount of cash.

So that’s the heritage of Deandra Solomon. So now we know why she is so rich! And now I know why she was in the Sunday Times. People apparently say she is South Africa’s Paris Hilton. I don’t believe it for a minute. No one in the world is anyones Paris Hilton. Unless you have a sex tape and get out of your Mercedes SLK 55 AMG wearing no underwear, you have nothing on Paris.

You also need to register an IQ, and from word what I hear via the grapevine, Deandra is actually quite intelligent.

And so Paris lives another day.

Sources:

Crimes and Mysteries of South Africa

The Times

Business Report

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Alrighty then, I just received this. Have you SEEN the weather today?! It’s a little bit windy but the beer looks cold, the beach looks hot. And I can’t go to the beach today. You know…in case you care about that sort of stuff. Okayyyyyy. Here is the press release concerning the band cancellations at the Warehouse Project at the Old Biscuit Mill in Woodstock last week:

Warehouse Project Press Release

Due to natural forces beyond our control (Wind speeds of 55 knots) the promoters would like to apologise to all that attended the Warehouse Project and were disappointed at the band stage being cancelled. This was a decision made by both the promoters and the authorities in the interest of public safety.

At no point was this ever any fault of the bands, and the promoters would like to apologise to the bands and their fans for the inconvenience and disappointment caused.

Please take into consideration that the safety of the patrons is number one priority and due to excessive winds we were forced to cancel the bands on the night- unfortunately we could not put any of the patrons/band members/ managers safety at risk.

People who attended the event and were not satisfied received a Computicket stub, this stub when taken to Computicket in the Waterfront, each patron reflecting the stub will get a complimentary ticket for Club Chrome any night of the week and further to that Computicket will stamp the stub giving the patron free admission to the next SP Live band event.

Once again we apologise for the inconvenience caused but safety is our priority.

Mark Abrahams

MD

Soundscape Productions

And so that is it.

Cool I’m going for a swim now.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Most Sundays around here at SLXS are SPENT having a braai and recovering from whatever pursuits we have been up to. Whether that is partying, watching polo or completing some sort of event such as the Two Oceans Half Marathon.

So it was fascinating to find the Sunday Times brandishing a new dictionary yesterday. It’s normally pretty chilled out but the editor and writers decided that yesterday it was time to spice things up. I personally think they are taking the lead of Derek Watts, who is making a mockery of everyone by just being the funniest anchorman alive.

Sunday Times: Next week they will throw “cock balls” into the equation

I was reading the intro of the page 3 story entitled “The stinking state of SA’s waters” Well that is NOT a good sign is it! But let us forget about that for a moment and quote the beginning of this article. It’s almost poetic:

“Go to the beach. Have a swim. And wallow in human shit.”

Good grief! Breaking out the big guns there aren’t we? Perhaps they just want to spice things up a little bit to keep their readers guessing. No doubt readers will write in complaining because they have no lives of their own and love writing “strongly worded” letters to editors of various publications. Luckily for me I don’t have people complaining. You all know what we are about. And if you do complain about something stupid, like the fact that it’s disgusting that I joke about stalking people on Facebook, your e-mail accidentally gets dropped in the trash can. That’s the way we do it.

I would also like to spice up this page a bit. Cock. Balls.

There we go, much better.

Then moving swiftly along to page 6 of the Lifestyle section, we have a little piece called “The shopper” It says:

Deandra Solomon- party animal, label whore and footballer’s wife in training.

So we are dealing with a WHORE of sorts it would seem! Quite mild use of the English language there by the Sunday Times.

Not to mention the fact that Deandra is a label whore, I would also like to know who the hell Deandra Solomon is? Where is my piece in the Sunday Times? Can’t I also be labelled something? I feel VERY left out.

But this new turn of events definitely signals a turning point for The Sunday Times. I’m quite excited actually.

Next thing we know it’s going to be all smut complete with page 3 girls and it will be your regular Daily Voice.

I’m pretty excited that The Sunday Times is going down this road. However it took me about two years to scour the internet and remove all the photos of me in a white Speedo on Clifton so I’m scared they might still have a copy of it and reprint me on page 3. Look it’s not that I’m pasty and fat. Quite the opposite in fact. I’m ripped, tanned and toned.

That’s what scares me though. My stalkers are going to come back and I’m going to have to apply for another 500 restraining orders. Especially against Hector who wants to turn me into a lampshade.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Many of you who attended The Warehouse Project last week would have been disappointed that the bands had cancelled. And so you should be! Don’t worry though, I am onto it.

I SMASHED an e-mail through to Soundscape Productions asking them for more information on the turn of events.

I then received a reply from Mark Abrahams, MD of Soundscape Productions. He said the reasons for the bands cancelling were due to weather and safety issues.

SLXS will be getting sent the press release and I will chat more about it after I have read through that and posted it here.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Some of you may be wondering if Derek Watts is actually real after the shenanigans he has been pulling on Carte Blanche. People have asked me if he actually exists in real life, or only in myth, or if he lives in some sort of parallel universe.

Gentlemen, silence please. Ladies, stop sending me underwear. I have done the work here, but no need to praise me, this is my job. So I went onto the Google application, found Derek’s website and promptly got hold of the enigma.

As many of you know yesterday was a public holiday. But obviously according to the book of Derek, there is no such thing as a public holiday! The Man replied to my e-mail, on a public holiday! Bear in mind that I only sent the e-mail yesterday and you will know we are not dealing with an ordinary person here. We are dealing with a top class journalist.

On the other hand with me we are dealing with a D-class journalist who might reply to your e-mail…or I might not.

So I sent this off to Derek:

Hi Derek

Just a quick thanks for making the last two Sunday nights hilarious for me and many others who watched the movie Anchorman.

I literally fell about laughing when you ended the Carte Blanche hows with “You stay classy South Africa” and “Thanks for stopping by” It’s humour of the highest quality!

Just a question: Was it some sort of dare?

It has made many peoples Sunday evenings for the past two weeks and literally EVERYONE is talking about it!

I can wait to see what is in store this coming week.

Best regards

Sean Lloyd

Editor

www.slxs.co.za

Anyway, not quite expecting a reply the exact same day, Derek, ever the professional, get’s back to me the very same day! Here is what Derek had to say:

Hi Sean

Just a bit of fun! Think I’ve watched the movie about a dozen times with the kids.

Sure Ron would understand!

Thanks for your comments

Cheers  now

derek 

Derek is so low key, he never even gave his name a capital letter. That’s what makes him so cool, he is so awesome yet so normal. That is why he is an enigma of sorts.

But just imagine for a second: Imagine Derek was your father? How RAD would life be?! Ha ha it would be virtual insanity!

Derek is cool. He is too cool. And so another piece of the mysterious puzzle we now call “Derek” is put into place.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Has anyone noticed over the past couple of days, when around the area of the escalators near The Wellness Warehouse in Cavendish Connect in Claremont, that it smells like fish? I noticed it sometime last week and on Saturday again.

I was sure I stumbled upon the answer though on Sunday when I read in The Sunday Times that Paris Hilton was in South Africa. But it wasn’t like that. Because it definitely did not smell like snoek. Nor koek. Nor rotting yellowtail. It just smelt fishy.

It’s very odd. I wish I knew what it was because it’s very disturbing. Chilling at The Wellness Warehouse trying to be healthy and stuff, and then smelling fish, is not ideal. I don’t even like fish.

The other reason why I’m convinced Parys has nothing to do with it is because I never broke out into a weird rash afterwards. Last time I got a handski from Paris I was sent to ICU for three months.

If I were Nicole Ritchie I would keep Paris away from the toddler.

You don’t want your child’s hair mysteriously falling out and then self combusting.

It’s a strange, strange world out there.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was stalking this chick on Facebook the other day. You know how you do it…you are writing on a friends wall and you see a comment on the wall from the most amazing girl you have ever seen in your life.

Just before clicking on her profile you get on your knees, take a hit of Jack Daniels and pray that she has no privacy settings on her page so that you can find out more about her. You get onto her page and realise that not only is she an absolute angel, but she is nice as well. Her status says “Kate loves her new puppy” Good Lord you are cute!

You then get that old fashioned loving feeling…where you would do anything to have her kids. Lots of her kids.

Ok moving right along! I do apologise. There is an intern at SLXS today and she held herself close to me there, her lacy bra rubbing the delicate skin around my eyes. She then said “Sean you will write this, and if you don’t I will shoot you” And man, does she have a set of bazookas on her.

I think there is lots of CO2 in the air today, I’m feeling a bit funny and my writing is all lies. I don’t stalk chicks on Facebook. Neither would I ever mention the names of girls I do stalk. So Kate I won’t let my readers know your name. Not that you know me.

Anyway going a little too far there Sean. It’s time to stop now. Maybe even sit the next couple of articles out.

So I was on Facebook the other day looking at all the rubbish people write on walls. Especially people in relationships:

I love you so much babba I can’t wait to see you it’s been ten minutes and I can’t get enough I love you more than life itself mwah mwah mwah xxxxxxxx

All well and peachy. But what happens if this couple break up? So the next girlfriend comes along and wants to write something on her new boyfriends wall and she sees all these messages from the ex which is NOT ideal. Your Facebook wall is somewhat like your cellphone inbox. Just as you would not want your girlfriend reading all your ex-girlfriends messages to you on your cellphone, so you don’t want her reading your ex-girlfriends messages on your Facebook wall. And she probably does not want to read them either, but she probably will.

The only solution is to keep your love messages for sms’s and the message function on Facebook. That’s the easiest thing to do.

Secondly, Facebook is like a photo album of your life. All photos with you in them are tagged and you can leave comments below them. So you and your girlfriend are together in a photo on Facebook and you both comment on it:

Babe you look so sexy!

Thanks babe you look better though! God you’re sexy.

Ahhhh angel I love you LONG TIME! xxxxx

I want your kids…xxxxxxxxx kisses mwah mwah mwah.

And so the cycle of love goes. Until you realise your girlfriend has been hooking up with Juan, the lifeguard she met in Argentinia three years ago and who now lives in Cape Town. You break up with her. You drink a bottle of whisky. You go on thousands of boys nights. You find a new girlfriend.

But now the new girlfriend has to see photos of you and your ex, and she also has to see the love messages you both left below the photos. Facebook is such a part of most peoples lives that it is like another life for many people. Photos on Facebook are there for all to see. Imagine you had a photo next to your bed of you and your ex, with all love messages on it? Not ideal when your girlfriend has to see this every morning when she wakes up.

So to avoid this tricky situation, keep Facebook love messages to a minimum. I mean, if you two love each other, you will know it. No need to make thousands of comments to confirm it. Send messages. Call each other. Better yet, actually see each other and tell your other half that you love him/her.

Because it’s better in real life. You have a real relationship, not a virtual one. So tell your partner you love him/her. Say it while gazing lovingly into their eyes.

Wow this is getting hectic! What am I? Some chick writer? This is not very manly of me. Ok cool ja okes let’s go get a brewski.

Ja lekker we can go shoot game next weekend. Ja I’ll eat the meat off the animal while it’s still alive. No big deal I just drank a bottle of Jack.

Cry? Cry over a girl? Ha ha ha! Me? NEVER!

That is all ladies and gentlemen.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Carte Blanche

So last week we had a little chat about Derek Watts ending off the Carte Blanche program with “You stay classy South Africa” As anyone schooled in the simple act of humour will know, this is the classic line from Ron Burgundy.

Anyway I was honestly thinking that this was a once off and that Derek was never going to do this again. I mean it was so classic that you would think it could not be done again.

Until last night.

I was chilling minding my own business when I realise Carte Blanche is about to end. So casually I just listened in to the last piece of the show.

Mother of God.

Derek, as calm as he could be, uttered the iconic words:

“Thanks for stopping by”

Oh. My. GREATNESS!

Honestly last week my excitement was through the roof, but this week I’m absolutely shattered. I’m broken. I’m silenced. I mean, HAVE YOU EVER?!

Derek actually used the line that Veronica Corningstone made famous. You know what? Derek Watts is achieving what he wanted to achieve all these years. He has been great on Carte Blanche but he has now been catapulted to super stardom. He has captured the young audience for sure.

When I said last week that Derek was about sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll I was kind of just making it up. But now it’s a certainty. It’s a given. Derek IS sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll.

Why don’t we have more presenters like Derek? Why is everyone afraid to have a couple of in jokes?

Derek, well done bud.

We salute you!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I won’t lie this whole Two Oceans Half Marathon just appeared out of nowhere and caught me a little bit off guard. So I registered this morning at the Good Hope centre in Cape Town which was it’s usual mess. And it was packed with all the usual keen people who are just DYING to show the world that they are runners.

Honest to God, people arrive in those disgusting polly shorts that show off more than I care to see, running shoes and tree trunk legs thinking that this impresses people. It doesn’t impress me or anyone else. I on the other hand arrive hanging, with army pants on and a white t-shirt. Like a rock star on his way to White Castle.

I also cycle (Mountain biking) but I’m never quite sure why around the time of events such as the Argus cycle tour, people find it necessary to walk around in their cycling kit. Can you imagine if you were a wakeboarder, just walking around with a lifejacket on? Or holding your board under your arm? No. My point exactly.

So I arrive to find the crowd of short, stocky people who think that running is a religion. The conversation is of fast and slow twitch muscle fibres, V02 max and lactic threshhold levels. All I was thinking about was how pumping the beach is going to be today.

No jokes I completely forgot to train for this event and the first and last time that I ran 21km’s was this time last year for this event. Great pain awaits me.

I took an unconventional approach to this years half marathon by not training. I have all my kit ready as seen below.

Kitted out

As you can see we have Nike Shox to stop my knees from imploding and my ankles from shattering, a Polar heart rate monitor to predict at which point on the route I will die, a Nike Dri-Fit t-shirt to soak up the river I’m going to sweat and two bottles of liquid pain killers for the sheer onslaught of pain that I’m inflicting on my body.Yeah otherwise it’s a pretty normal Friday. Can’t complain too much. My body’s downfall is imminent so I think I will spend today in the sun with a cold one while my pecs turn a bronze colour and Gisele Bundchen smears me in coconut oil before massaging my feet and feeding me fresh fruit.

Then we go back to the Villa and hammer out a couple of Gisellings.

I’m amped.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m not quite sure if all cities around the world have so many functions, but in Cape Town hardly a week walks by when I’m not invited to attend some sort of function. Normally it’s the opening of something where they basically feed you alcohol and snacks and you don’t even know what type of business they are trying to promote. I don’t drive to functions because I know I won’t be able to drive home afterwards.

Anyway it’s hilarious because for some bizarre reason, people think that inviting me to the opening of various things in Cape Town will do something amazing for business. I don’t know where this theory comes from but it exists.

As you all know I live life for the thrill and hardly ever take anything seriously. Unless I have to be serious. But in any event where I can maximise the fun, I go right ahead and do it.

Last week I was to attend some sort of function/gathering/ Freemason meeting/ Messiah gathering/ product launch or something of the type. I actually had no clue what it was but I knew I was going to burn it. So based on my previous functions, and largely on my latest function, here is the SLXS guide to successfully attending a function:

Ignore the invite

To be honest, meetings and phone calls are when business is done and I hardly ever take a function seriously. Everyone knows it’s just an excuse to get drunk. Remember this. If the invite says 6pm, arrive at about 6:30. That way all the people who want to “run some ideas by you” are already in conversation with hideously boring people.

There is nothing worse than arriving there and punishing half a bottle of red wine and then you get some geek in a suit with pants that are too short asking if “we can just touch base” So many business people throw that line out there just like they are throwing out the trash. “Just touch base” Listen dude, you can touch base with your wife or girlfriend, but I’m NOT touching base with you!

Unless you magically transform into a 6ft female model which I highly doubt you can. Although you will assure me that this will be possible in the very near future. Shut up this isn’t a damn science convention. I’m here to get sloshed. Go play with your PalmPilot. Cross reference some hedge funds. Chase the bull market. Check how Bear Sterns are doing. Whatever you do keep your genetic superiority away from me. Nerd.

Ignore the dress code

A decent amount of the time these functions will have a casual dress code but every now and then we get someone trying to be a hero and they will say “Black tie” or “Formal” As a rule I don’t own a black suit. It’s way too common. I’m into more of the old skool dapper vibe. I acquired a tweed suit a while ago and at my last function, the dress code was formal. Don’t ask why the following photo is sideways. It’s saved upright but for some reason this computer won’t work and I don’t have time to mess around now. I’m going to some sort of lunch thing and it’s more interesting than trying to figure out photo editing.

No jokes here, every single person(Around 300 people attended) was wearing a black suit. Your editor? Hell no! I rocked up in tweed and proceeded to blow the function apart. By the end of the night people did not know if I was an investment banker or an oil tycoon.

Change your name and your business

I’m lucky that I don’t need to go to functions and sell myself, and best of all, whatever funny things happen at these functions, it just gives me something to write about. I hardly ever give my real name or my job description. I have gone from owning the Exclusive Books in Cavendish to being a Wall Street mogul who intends to develop apartments in Cape Town. Life is so much more fun when you are just telling stories. If I tell people I’m a writer, it’s not fun.

It was between that and Muhammad

But if I grossly exaggerate things, it’s fun. Plus they are not really that interested in what I have to say. They are only attending these functions to see who they can use as leverage in order to expand their business interests and make more money. I throw them right off the track and have fun.

Honestly, who wants to go to a function at 8pm, then get drunk and talk business? I surely don’t. And the best is when you have to have a little card on you with your name. Last time I was simply “McLovin” The best part was that I was the youngest person there by at least ten years. But most people were cruising past 50 or so, so I had a good laugh. They don’t know that McLovin is a character from SuperBad.

No ways the 80′s music channel is playing “Never gonna give you up” by Rick Astley. SICK!

So I played the situation.

“McLovin?”

“Yeah that’s right my parents couldn’t afford to get me another name”

“Really?”

“No I’m actually not sure I have always just had this name though”

“Oh interesting I’ve never seen that before”

“Yeah it’s kind of weird. Like my third nipple”

Then you just play it from there, tell them you are a serial entrepeneur with a thirst for developing alternative energy sources to reduce the strain on Eskom and to reduce CO2 emissions in accordance with Kyoto.

If you are talking to a person who knows nothing about the topic you are speaking about then they don’t have a foot to stand on. They believe every word you say and just nod in agreement. You could basically tell them that you are starring alongside Colin Farrel in his next film and they will believe you.

I do things like this all the time. I leave functions and no one knows that I was actually there. I arrive and leave no trace of my being there. Like a super stealth law enforcement agent.

Take advantage

Look I’m not shy at these functions. Don’t think “Oh I better not eat all the sushi what if some other people want who have not had the chance to eat”

No no no! Life is brutal and the city is a battle for survival. Do you think the animal kingdom are worried about the other little animals that need to eat? No. Exactly. If there is sushi and some other snacks, eat all the sushi first. Eat as much as you can. Don’t be shy. Wine? Drink as much as you like. No need to be a minster here, you are here to party. I mean…you were born to party!

I like to attend functions by the motto of “If it’s free it’s for me”

On the other hand when I go to the rugby I like to apply the 3-2-1 rule.

3L bakkie. 2L Coke. 1L brandewyn.

Go to lot’s of functions

As much as I act like I don’t care at functions, I go to enough of them to actually now be confident in my composure and character at these events. Like anything else in life, it’s all about practise. I used to arrive at functions all keen and interested until I realised my purpose on earth is to have fun, party and make people laugh so that they have more fun.

Be carefree, mingle with the good crowd, eat the good snacks, drink the good drink and have fun. Life is not ALL about work, ALL the time.

Play with your food

When you are at these dinner functions for various societies you claim to belong to, have fun with the food. My parents always told me not to play with my food. The last thing they saw was a roundhouse kick. I will play with my food if I want to. I will make my food into shapes.

Gentlemen, welcome to Filth Club

There is not all that much to say really about these functions. But to end this off have fun, play the fool and never take life too seriously. There is plenty of time to “network” and “touch base” Functions are there to chillax and take advantage of stuff you are not paying for.

I suppose this is the last time anyone invites me to a function!

Good luck out there.

NOTE: Some people might wonder why I altered the images above. The reason is if I let people know my organisations and affiliations they stalk me. True story. Then they throw their underwear at me. Which looks cool at a rock concert but it’s not cool in real life.

Sean Lloyd

Editor