So you’re wanting to start up a blog in South Africa, and make it to the top? Well that’s easy with my foolproof guide! Here we go minions:

1) As soon as you start your blog, make a list of something maybe praising the top bloggers. They will link to this post because they love to sit high and mighty, knowing that you won’t be as popular as them and you won’t steal your readers, because you only have one post.

Make a list saying that they are ‘SA’s Top Bloggers’ or ‘SA’s Best Looking Bloggers’ and they’ll be all over you like a cheap suit packing coke. Bloggers are attention sluts. They know this. I know it. Love it.

2) Message them on Twitter saying something good. They’ll retweet your message right away. By God NEVER Tweet them if you’re an established blogger, they won’t reply, because they’re too cool for school.

3) Put them in your blogroll. They’ll add you to their list of about 1.2 million blogroll links, knowing that no one ever looks at those links anyway.

4) Let them basically take your articles from the previous day and rewrite them in their own words. Don’t say anything. Of course they didn’t steal your idea. They are content machines and they just happen to constantly publish articles like yours the day after you do. It’s a coincidence. Drink it off with a nice bottle of whiskey big guy.

5)  Claim World Exclusives on things. If you’re the only one in the world writing about it, it’s a World Exclusive, even if everyone else is talking about it. If you’re the first to write it on your blog, it’s yours big guy. “Sean shaves his balls today” BOOM. World Exclusive.

6) Publish 10 articles a day. The more the better. If there is constantly stuff on your site, you’re killing it BRU.

UPDATE:

7) Throw temper tantrums. The line “Do you know who the f*&k I am?!” was basically invented for bloggers. If you are denied access to an event, or a place, or a bar or a restaurant, in fact if you are denied access to anything you have the full right to demand an explanation RIGHT AWAY. Your message needs to make it’s way to top management and shareholders of that establishment just so that they know how famous you are and how Goddamn important you are to society. You’re basically like a medic, or an organ donor, or an international patron of peace and by God you need to be allowed access to all areas because you are doing goodwill work. If you are denied access you are full well entitled to rant about it, and your readers will follow you like sheep and agree with you, because you are GOD. Your readers will listen to anything you say, even when you start advertising vented condoms. No one is actually allowed to question you otherwise they will go to hell. You must reply to all the comments until they get nasty, then you have the full right to get childish about things.

If anyone questions you, they are wrong and they will go to hell. Only bloggers go to heaven. A heaven where they are praised constantly for how awesome they are.

And that’s it really, now up and at ‘em tiger! Go take over the blog world.