You will by now surely have noticed a certain them on this website, a mixture of utter rubbish and also more thoughtful posts, ones that might make you think, or might make you laugh. Or ones that might educate you (Few and far between) You will also realise that I get paid to mention certain companies, and others I mention because I just really like them.

So I’m going to put this out there right now, I’m not getting paid for this piece. If money was offered, sure I would normally take it, but in this instance I’m not sure if I would have taken the money if it was offered.

Because I would basically be paying myself for a hand job then. Imagine paying yourself to give yourself a handski! What would my parents think of me?

The product in question here is the Tenga Masturbator (Jesus…I can’t believe I agreed to this) After writing on Mantality a little while back, I was offered to review this product by the team at Mantality. Naturally I wouldn’t have to pay for the product, it would be sent free of charge (I don’t quite know how to put this…but in Cape Town…I’m kind of a big deal. People know me…)

So I agreed and about a week later, I had a jacking off machine in my PO Box, waiting to be abused. It’s actually called a Deep Throat Cup, and if you think Deep Throat refers to William Mark Felt Sr, then you are an idiot. A complete idiot. Go play with your Pokemon collection.

It’s basically like getting great head without all the hassles, but then it also comes without all the real life benefits, like an actual person. With the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, there are no teeth, so you don’t have any of the hassles of a “biter” Because that hurts. Also, it’s not warm like a mouth, so it might take a few tugs to get it warm. Also, sometimes at house parties, it’s nice to sit back,get a mouthski and use your one hand to eat a bag of chips and the other to drink your vodka and Coke. Unfortunately, when you are using the Tenga to basically give yourself a mouthski/ handski, you only have one hand. So you can’t relax and eat chips and a Coke, you have to do one or the other.

I mean, you could admit to sitting on your hand until it goes numb, and then having a wank so it feels like someone else is doing it. What? Forget I said that. Nothing important. Never tried it.

The great thing about the Tenga is that you don’t have some bird (Or guy, we need to appeal to a wide audience here) coming up afterwards and, with a mouth full, saying “Baby tell me you love me?”

Because as good as it feels at the time, using the L word is extremely difficult to use! Especially at my age. I just want to booze it up with my mates and have a kick ass time, no time for settling down (I’m sure I will receive some hate mail here, go ahead, send it along)

But to make this review as real as possible, I decided that some seduction techniques needed to be used. As there was no actual woman involved, I decided that seducing myself was in order.

I closed the curtains.

Barry White crooned over the stereo.

I looked at myself.

Touched myself.

You like that Sean?

I DO like that Sean!

I threw a couple of pick up lines at myself:

“You come here often?”

“Maybe?”

“Don’t tease me!”

“Do you wanna go halvies on a baby?”

Wait, that’s the one I used on that chick last week at Tiger. It doesn’t quite work on myself.

I was quite nervous around myself, as I’m quite a sexual being. I literally touch myself and sparks fly.

So I decided that I needed to be boozed, because let’s be honest, it’s much easier to chat yourself/ someone else up after a few boozers.

Because Mantality had paid for the product, I thought I had to at least chip in some money to this review so I ambled over to my wine fridge and yanked (Not wanked) out a bottle of Chateau Beychevelle Saint Julien Grand Vin 1995. I can’t remember what I paid for it all those years back, but it’s quite a decent wine and I was saving it for a special occasion. Whether giving yourself a handski is a special occasion or not is yet to be debated (Never maths debated) I also drank a bottle of High Constantia Clos Andre, Cuvee Brut, Methode Cap Classique and I am positively shit faced as I write this.

Absolutely trashed

You like that?

The Tenga has this silicon inside that is SO soft it’s unbelievable. Obviously just putting your cock into a dry piece of silicon would be like shagging Paris Hilton, all dried up from overuse and stuff like that.

So you need lube, which I happened to have lying around. I’m going with the story that it was for a STD 6 (Standard…not sexually transmitted disease) science project.

And it’s quite easy really, you don’t have to be nice to the Tenga for it to go down on you. You don’t have to complement it on it’s lovely hair, or it’s beautiful eyes. You quite simple slam your piece into it without even letting it know.

(Say this to the effect of Horation Cane in CSI)— I think…I’m getting…a boner…YEAH!

I have never done this in real life, that chick at that standard 7 after party asked me to surprise her, and I did. Don’t cry over a sneaky pole in the mouth.

Good grief that’s good! It’s weird because I happened to test it out on a rugby test match day and I declined all the invites to watch the rugby at the pub. It was kind of strange because the one moment you have this picture of Gisele in your mind and it’s all cool, and the next moment you are having a great time by yourself and you are watching Percival Montgomery and thinking “I wonder if he uses EAS or USN? Canterbury or Nike?”

Ooooooooooooooh oooooooohhhhhhhh tik tik tik aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

And then you blow your load at Percy, it’s quite weird really. To give you the exact thoughts in my head at the time, I was wondering what shampoo and conditioner he uses. I know…quite odd.

I’m obviously making this up as I’m quite drunk right now thanks to that bottle of High Constantia sparkling wine and three USN Spikes and one Red Bull. A couple of Phedra Cuts and I would be flying.

Shit, it feels good though. It’s so soft, and if you wank it fast enough it sounds like it’s choking on your main chap! Jesus, it’s hilarous! It can’t open up wider though so the chances of tea bagging it are pretty much zero. Also, in real life, it’s fun to blow your load in and around the mouth (The money shot) but I wouldn’t quite blow my load into this thing, for re-use purposes. It is re-usable though and I won’t admit to re-using it 17 times today. My piece looks like a piece of biltong, BUT…I’m doing this for work. Imagine spending en ENTIRE Monday wanking.

I suppose I don’t have the worst job in the world…

Another RAD feature is that it has a one way valve (Not vulva) that creates suction, just like real life! It’s amazing looking at this white piece of plastic, and to think that the job it does, is the exact same job all the Bishopscourt mommies do to drive nice cars and live in nice houses. It’s quite mind blowing, that blowing will get you all those lifestyle accessories.

Naturally I went the whole nine yards for this review, including dressing myself in the whipped cream bikini and smearing my balls with peanut butter and getting the dogs to lick it off. WHAT? It’s MY dog ok! I can tease you a bit though with the peanut butter nipple:

Yum Yum

To be quite honest, it is kind of weird telling people that you own a masturbator, but it’s also like telling people that you have a GHD, or that you spend 30 minutes on your hair in the morning. It’s something that makes you happy, but you wouldn’t quite admit it.

I wouldn’t normally go down into the pub and talk about my wanking device, but I did. Cape Town is going to know now anyway, so I casually told a couple of mates down at Forries the other day. I can get away with it because it’s my job.

The problem with my lifestyle is that everyone knows what I do all the time, so I’m sure they will laugh. But then they will in all likelihood click HERE and buy a Tenga Deep Throat Cup.

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a shit load of fun! Play some Barry White, get drunk, seduce yourself…and then try jizz 5 metres onto your dog lying on the floor.

I lie, I wouldn’t do that.

It’s weird that the dog is pregnant though.

Strange.

Anyway, looking over the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, it’s quite a cool thing for those lazy days when you can’t get some, and is definitely something that is quite a laugh to have. You know you won’t admit to owning one, but you will admit to wanking over Elsa Benitez (Ummm…NSFW). So whether you use your own hand, or the Tenga, I don’t think it makes much difference.

And to be honest, if you are single, people know you are a wanker anyway! So just come to terms with it, and with online ordering from Mantality, you don’t have to walk into a shop blushing and pick it up. Mantality deliver straight to your door! Brilliant!

It’s no longer embarrassing, like it was buying those condoms in school from the petrol station at Bishops.

Hey? Oh nothing…just mumbling to myself.

You can even order lube at Mantality over HERE. Unfortunately they don’t sell condoms yet, but I’m sure I can have a word with them and see what’s possible. For the product I tested, click HERE.

NOTE: The reviewing time of this product was 47.3 seconds.

YEAH!

A new record!

I’m just going to have a quick smoke and I’ll be back…

UPDATE: Apparently, if you click here, I killed 17 kittens on Monday.

Sean Lloyd

Editor