Yesterday I got a call from Mike who is excessing it because he is on holiday and he told me that Firemans Arms was on for the evening. I was not feeling too great but let him know that I was going to smash the pharmacy into oblivion and then let him know what my plans were.

I did smash the pharmacy. I did not feel that much better. But I went through to Firemans Arms anyway because it was quiz night! An appearance was even made by the SLXS co-anchor. Nice to see some sort of “work” being done. Even if it was drinking. I have made an appearance at one quiz night before and Mike absolutely dominated. I barely had time to even take the question in and Mike had already answered it correctly. It is no small mystery that Mike is the cleverest man ever. Ever. He knows everything, which sometimes makes me feel quite stupid.

Anyway, the quiz started at 7:30 and we arrived at about 7:15, to be greeted by Mike and all the rest of the crew. Mike was clearly at top speed as he was taking a pizza apart, and he was also accompanied by a bucket of beer. The beers were soon gone and Mike was hitting Mach 3, throwing out one liners and shouting “Cheaters!” to our opposition team which included Romy, Kate,Richard and their crew. I think at the last Firemans Arms quiz night we were actually on their team. So this time it was time for a bit of ex teammate trash talking.

We definitely were not on top form and out of about 40 questions, or however many there were, I only managed to get two correct! And the one we did not write down. So I contributed one correct answer to the team! Dismal. The categories range from Geography to Music, and I actually can’t remember the rest. I think History might have been a topic as well. I was a bit sidetracked the entire evening by a certain behemoth of a man, who I thought was Sebastian Chabal, the French rugby player who looks like the wild man of Borneo. And the wild man of Borneo looks like Matthew McConaughey after breaking up with Penelope Cruz and bending it on alcohol in Mexico. Very rugged, a sort of Camel man. I wanted to get a photo of myself with him, but was way too scared. So Mike took my camera,pointed it over his head and took a photo! It was so obvious that he was taking a photo of Chabal that I thought Chabal was going to come over and kill Mike. Luckily that never happened.

Sebastian Chabal is hiding in this photo. Let’s zoom in.

BOOM! Chabal! Notice the eyes.

The real Sebastian Chabal. The resemblance is striking. 

I nearly did die though. The intensity of the questions were IMMENSE!( I don’t even know if you can use “immense” in this context. But hey…I’m the editor and I will let it slide) Half the time I was blacking out, and I think it would have been easier to ask me to explain how the universe started. I was shocked at how little I knew. Not that I need to know a lot about those subjects, because I don’t really care. But still…

One of the more classic quotes was when Mike went to the bathroom and there was a guy there who could not believe that he got the one answer wrong in the Geography section. Mike let him know that it was not that bad and that our team was so poor that we were not getting anything correct. Then the guy said something like this:

“I know but I’m a Geography teacher!”

Good times.

The bathroom was also quite interesting, and I found this poster. If you understand Afrikaans you will know what it means. Otherwise I can’t really explain it here. Those of you who understand it might enjoy it. It says “Robbie Wessels as ‘Poena’ “. In the speech bubble it says “Die pad na ‘n vrou se hart loop deur ‘n koek!” Then there is an arrow pointing at the guy saying “Vaatjie” Only in South Africa!

I can’t really explain this. 

Anywhichway, quiz night takes place at Firemans Arms every Thursday evening, starting at 7:30. It is R20 to enter the quiz and there is a prize for first place. I don’t know what it is because I had no intention of winning. Then there are spot prizes during the evening, and last night this was a round of Captain Morgan for the team that got some random question correct. Naturally we got it wrong.

It is definitely worth paying quiz night a visit, or just visit Firemans Arms anyway and it will take you back to the very old school of watering holes. The memorabilia on the walls is astounding and it’s quite an experience.

Firemans Arms is situated at 25 Mechau Street in Cape Town. It’s on the corner of Buitengracht and Mechau Streets. Call them if you like at : 021 419 1513.

Just make sure you visit this pub, it’s a classic!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

R555 worth of excess- But Cubana was still not up to our standards

I must be completely honest, I have never ever liked Cubana. I went there a couple of times in the past on a Friday night looking for a party and I never really found a good party there. I always found that the people dancing were too close to the bar and space got really cramped. I was always looking for a club party there but I think I was missing the entire point. Cubana is not a club, it is a caffe. It is supposed to be a place where you can relax with a cigar, have some good food and relax with friends in a very chilled out atmosphere. It is supposed to feel like home with plush couches where you can sit around all night just enjoying the vibe.

I had clearly missed the whole point of the place but only realised this last Monday, 25 June 2007. Myself and Jerry D were coming back from Cavendish and were stuck in that terrible traffic that comes on the end of a Monday. We decided to pull The Bomber into the Engen petrol station to fill up with some power fuel, and while we were there we started thinking of things to do in the near vicinity as I realised with the traffic we were not going to get home anytime soon. Jerry looked over at Cubana and then said that we should have a drink there. It was only 5:45pm and I immediately knew this was a bad idea because this was too early to start. So I acted cool and said we will go have one drink.

We waited outside of Cubana as it looked like it was closed. There were a few people inside but I thought they were staff as they were all sitting at one table and I thought they were perhaps having some sort of staff meeting prior to opening. So we stood outside, rain pouring down, waiting for something to happen. The door was closed and there was no sign saying that were actually open. Then not actually being able to stand a thunderstorm anymore, we descended upon the door like two rabid cheetahs. We looked around at the door, tried to open it and nothing happened. Two grown men could not open a door to a caffe. Is this what our lives have come to? Is this really happening now? Are we really doing this? Someone please let us in!

Then some guy came up and after a moment he managed to open the door. It seems that Cubana is person proof and this is not ideal as you normally want people to enter your caffe with ease. It should not be a mission. Not that it was exactly mission impossible with Tom Cruise, but it was a little bit odd.

When we finally got in I was impressed. There was a scattering of a crowd chilling around chatting, a few people at the bar and it was quite warm inside, a needed break from a cold winters day. We decided to skip the tables and the couches and went straight for the bar for a vodka and Red Bull. Our first of four each. Jerry threw his card behind the table and opened a tab which is always going to end in tears. You must understand that between two people, 16 shots of vodka, eight Red Bulls and 6 Jagermeisters are going to make for hungry people. After four Red Bulls I felt as if I were going to buzz off my head and explode. A litre of Red Bull each makes for a very hungry, Attention Deficit Disorder child. Only we were not children. Trying to control the caffeine and taurines effect on our nerves was near impossible and I found myself going to the bathroom quite often. I don’t know if there was a staff strike, but at that time of the day the bathrooms should be spotless. And they weren’t. There was a broken window above the urinals and a piece of the rubber sealing was hanging down from where the glass had broken. There was a piece of glass in one of the urinals and although I’m not going to sit in the thing, it looked messy. It just seemed that they did not think that the bathrooms were that important. Sometimes in cheaper clubs you might expect the bathrooms to be a little untidy, but from the name “Latino Caffe” you would expect something better than this. Enough about the bathrooms though, they need to sort that out.

Out barman, whose name I never caught because I was too busy trying to control my wired head, was not on top form. His name was not on our slip, it was just noted as “Served by: Bar night 1″. We ordered two Jagermeisters with out first or second drink, and he never brought them round. We waited, and waited…and they never came. Anyway, we ordered again and this time they arrived. And they were excellent! Then on our, I think third vodka Red Bull, our man forgot to give us the Red Bull. We had two glasses, with two shots of vodka each, and no mixer. Fantastic. I thought he was going to fetch the Red Bull but then I noticed he was serving other customers and had completely forgotten. And this was at a time when the place was not even busy, I would hate to think what it is like at a busier time.

Our food arrived and we had got some sort of platter for two, which was chicken wings, nachos, salsa, guacomole and all the rest of that stuff like sour cream or whatever it was we were blindly eating. The food was excellent though. I managed to drop a chicken wing on the floor and can’t even remember if I picked it up or not. Sorry about that guys, we were on the back end of a Bull attack and things were fuzzy. It was R85 for the platter and it fed us nicely, and we even had our mate Nic over by now to help us with it. Nic proceeded to have a quick three draughts, and then we were just about done.

Three hours had flown by in no time and then we were off to go hit some other clubs in the area.

Overall I was not that impressed. Firstly, have some sort of sign saying that you are open when the weather is bad. I know the doors are kept closed because of the wind and rain, but at least make the place look inviting.

Then sort the toilets out. I don’t want a broken window with rubber sealing hanging into the toilet. I don’t want the bathroom to look and feel dirty. In all honesty, the bathrooms should be one of the cleanest places in the club. Staff should constantly be on top of that. At clubs like Tiger Tiger they have a staff member in the bathroom ,constantly keeping it in shape. While I’m not saying you need to have a staff member constantly in the bathroom, at least get them to check on it regularly to keep it clean. At about 7:00pm on a Monday I can’t understand how the bathroom could look like it did.

Then make sure the staff are on top of the orders. When the bar is empty they should remember drinks orders. Our guy was forgetting everything, and I kept thinking that maybe he was in some sort of dream world.

When we come into your caffe for three hours and spend R555, I expect something a little bit better than this. I want to feel like it was good. And I think it has potential, everything is there.

The venue is great, it has a nice atmosphere, good food but it just seems that it is lacking that touch that would change it from just a normal “Caffe” and into a true experience.

I can imagine sitting there, eating nachos and chicken, maybe later smoking a cigar and having a good conversation with good friends in that Latino atmosphere. I can imagine how fun this would be. But I never experienced it and I’m sure I will find myself there again in the near future to check that Cubana are not slacking. Unfortunately in the restaurant/club business, you need to be on top form at all times.

There is no prize for second place.

I would love to go back for an evening like we had the other night, and I think if all the little problems were not present it would be a great place.

I went in today to get a photo of Cubana on the inside but was not allowed to. Apparently some of the interior is copyrighted. I have never heard of this in my life, but clearly I don’t run Cubana and I guess I am not at liberty to question whether the interior of their caffe is copyrighted or not. I was going to publish a photo of the outside but I thought “Their loss” If I’m not allowed a photo of the inside then one of the outside is actually quite pointless.

Sean Lloyd

Editor