The Slow Lounge: Qualifying For It And Why You’ll Want To Be In It

I was recently hanging around the airport with my girlfriend Tam and her parents, as we got ready to head off to the Kruger Park in the hopes of seeing some animals, drinking some drink, eating some food and more importantly, not getting eaten ourselves. There is nothing worse than having to fight off a lion with a set of binoculars, a 200mm camera lens and my matchstick arms.

We left to another mind blowing Cape Town sunrise, and arrived to mist that would go very well with Bon Iver’s ‘Skinny Love’ playing in the background.

Now I wasn’t all too aware of what this Slow Lounge entailed. I got signed in by my girlfriend (I am with Standard Bank so I don’t qualify), and at first thought ‘Hey this is quite rad, I wonder what everything costs?’ There was just so much of everything! A bar full of whisky and other good stuff. Fridges packed with Coke and beer and mineral water. A food bar with cereals, yoghurt, fresh cooked oats, fruit salad, desserts, salads…it was as if I had stumbled upon an open vault full of gold and the cops were nowhere to be seen! Oh, and there were Red Velvet cupcakes.

The thing is, nothing is charged for, once you are in the lounge it is an absolute free for all and I naturally lost a small part of my mind. Had I been there for a couple of hours, my mind would either be gone or completely blown. I was eating biltong salad and drinking beer and smashing cappuccinos like it was nobodies business! The Slow Lounge makes waiting awesome, and I’d happily arrive a couple of hours earlier just so I could do a taste tester of everything available in the lounge. It’s like an adults candy store, with beer to take away the flying fear. There is even wine, basically on tap. We spotted an old guy filling his glass to the rim, because…well because flying can be scary for some people.  And when you’re standing in front of a bottle of wine, asking it to empty itself into your glass, then the wine does as it is asked. It’s polite like that and a real crowd pleaser.

I personally opted for Heineken because it’s always nice to adapt a James Bond persona while travelling.

When you’ve finally processed the wine and need to shout, shout, let it all out! then you simply head on over to the loo with a view! It was like a mist convention on the day we travelled. I think all the mists from all over the world flew in for the convention and were holding a little conference at the airport because I could see less than a bat. On a clear day though, you’ll have a view across the airport which is really rad.

You know what I wanted to be when I was younger?

Oh you don’t want to know? Well I’ll tell you anyway. I wanted to be a bird. Not a chicken or anything like that, I wanted to be a real bird that could migrate and stuff. I always thought that would be rad, to one day just fly to a complete different part of the world with your crew for a little chill session and some new horizons. Maybe slap some coconut oil on and get bronzing like a Greek GOD.

What I didn’t realise is that in between the flying, there’s not much else you can do, is there? You’re either flying, walking very awkwardly with your arse out or eating the same food over and over again. Birds can’t eat biltong and drink beer. They can’t drive cars or type on MacBooks. They’d battle to send text messages with their feet as well. So I eventually realised, everything I once dreamed of was completely in my reach as long as I had a couple thousand rand to spend on a flight. It is far cheaper to fly when you have wings, and there is a lot more leg room than in economy, but there are massive negatives to being a bird too.

Have you ever seen a bird being offered chicken or beer in the sky?

Have you ever seen a bird with an iPod in the sky?

Have you EVER seen a bird drinking beer and wine in the sky?

Yeah, me neither.

You probably don’t realise this, but you’ve already gotten a Masters Degree (As long as you’ve been on an airplane at least once)

You have a Masters Degree in Lifehacking because you’ve flown above the birds, all the while eating a proper meal and drinking! It’s really quite insane, but most people call it normal. I think it’s abnormal but awesome at the same time.

I’m sorry to have dragged this article out this long, but I have a bit of a scatter brain and possibly undiagnosed ADHD but yeah, this is where it has taken me. It has taken me on a journey to write this piece because I want to help you live a better life.

I’m joking, I wrote this because I was bored and I’m fairly certain I’m not good at much but writing, so you know, why not write then?

I do want you to live a better life though, and no one should have to sit on a bench while waiting for an airplane. Everyone should experience the joy of the Slow Lounge, and here’s who qualifies:

Qualifying British Airways customers
Qualifying FNB clients
Qualifying RMB Private Bank clients
Qualifying guests of Comair

Click here to find out more about what you need to qualify.

The Slow Lounge is available at:

OR Tambo International Airport (International)
OR Tambo International Airport (Domestic)
Cape Town International Airport (Domestic)
King Shaka International Airport (Domestic)

That brings to an end this article, I’m off to chop some wood and build a fire.