Look, the world has changed a lot since our parents days. We have gone from this:

Wine ‘em, dine ‘em, 69 ‘em

To this:

Yes I actually use these new eco friendly tampons

We’ve gone from rock concerts where all the equipment was destroyed by the end, to Bono preaching about someone starving in Africa. We’ve gone from shaving with axes, to using 5 blades and aloe.

Now I’m not sure quite where it all went wrong, it must be something in the water. The fact is, the Stihl Lumberjack Festival is coming to right what is wrong with the world. It’s coming to replace that ‘healthy’ morning glass of spring water with a double shot of Old Spice. It’s coming to replace that smooth chest with a man hedge. It’s coming to impress the ladies not with some stupid strategy picked up in ‘The Game’, but rather impress them with the braun that built the Great Wall Of China!

It’s coming to kick Justin Bieber in the mangina!

It’s going to travel to Stellenbosch to give you…to give you…this:

Yes that’s right, you read it right. It’s travelling here to give you its seed!

Break out your lip lilo, your lip lizard, your snor, your mo, your face ferret, your sausage face scarf, your crumb catcher, your lady tickler…break it out because manly men, you are in for a spectacle. If you don’t look like this and you don’t chew Big Red then you know what to do:

Oh and also, I’ve spoken to some people and told them about this festival and being CAPETONIAN, they just think they’ll wait until some better party comes along, saying to me ‘Yeah I’ll maybe go’. Oh really, you’re waiting for an ‘Angels & Diamonds’ party to come along? Oh, well that’s really CUTE! Well you know what? I spoke to Chopper earlier via smoke signals and he’s got a message for you (Never mind the Australia part, I think he’s on drugs):

The Stihl Lumberjack Festival 2012. Look I haven’t spoken to the boys behind the festival but *ahem* Anton Taylor wouldn’t make the worst ambassador. He’ll kill you with a look and make a grown man cry, he’s Mr Movember and you better hide your sister…and your mom:

Come on people, it’s the Stihl Lumberjack Festival!!

Got wood?

You damn right I do.

I’ll see you there.