The Kristen Stewart double header

So we’ve all had the Megan Fox stage but obviously I got over it fairly quickly when I realised she has what is described as a “club thumb” (HERE)

The Fox’s club thumb

I’m a bit of a stickler, so this will not do. I know none of us is perfect. For instance, I have this massive growth.In my pants…

If you’re wondering, and I know you are, I didn’t mean for there to be a double meaning in “header” in the title. It just came off that way.

Lucky for me, I’ve quickly claimed a replacement in the form of the latest movie star angel, Kristen Stewart. I’ve previously had a thing for Taylor Swift, but suddenly seem to be drawn to that dark, deep, mysterious energy that Kristen literally chucks out at me. It also doesn’t hurt that she is American.

Those of you who know me realise I have this weird thing for Americans. I was in Exclusive Books the other day (Trucker cap tipped low, collar of tracksuit top flipped high, like Leo — avoiding fans) and I heard this American accent. Well I tell you, I never! I suddenly had this weak feeling, but it dipped as soon as I realised the word “bay-beeee!” was being spoken to another man.

Then she turned around and was no oil painting…but that accent…wow. It had me for a second.

Anyway so ja this Kristen Stewart girl…I think there is something going on between her and myself. Firstly, I hire Twilight on Friday night to watch by myself (I need complete isolation from society at the moment…I’m going for the dark, tortured soul type vibe at the moment)  and Kristen Stewart is in it. I then pump a message through to my creative director, letting him know how hot this bird is. He let’s me know that she is the same chick that I had a thing for in Into The Wild. So I hire this Twilight film firstly to try and get into the minds of why these people are so pale. Well it turns out they’re like vampires and stuff. But the Robert Pattinson guy is also so pale in real life.

Kristen Stewart with a weird, random fan standing behind her

Well so is Kristen Stewart. Leading me to believe they’re real life vampires. And I’m attracted to Kristen in real life. So if you’ve seen the film, I’m the normal one attracted to a vampire, like Kristen was attracted to Robert Pattinsons vampire character.

Sooooo…Kristen will probably want to suck my blood. Which is a little disturbing and gross, especially seeing as though my biggest and easiest vain to get blood from is not in my neck. To set the record straight.

But you’re sitting around on a Saturday night, isolated and Counting Crows are playing, do you expect anything less? Do you expect anything less than pipe smoking and bizarre behaviour, stray thoughts? Let’s pull ourselves together man, before we sidetrack this whole event.

(A bit of information on the formulation of this piece. I had been “writing” for what felt like over an hour, and then I went to grab my pipe, and came back, and there was nothing open on my computer that I was writing. I had essentially been playing with thoughts in my head for an hour, but felt like I had written a complete story. So I had written an entire story in my mind, and believed it to have actually been written. The implications this has with my current mental state is absolutely overpowering to any force currently in existence. So now you know…ok…)

You’ve probably been checking Kristen Stewart out but sorry for you…I’ve just taken her. You don’t have anything next to your name saying she is yours. I do. I have this article and the entire internet backing me up.

You may as well not even begin to think about her because karma will roundhouse kick you.

Then I was watching Adventureland on Saturday just after spending a few bucks getting a pipe at Cock ‘n Bull (Not getting a cock pipe…easily confused) and once again Kristen showed her face! So she appears in my life on Friday night (Isolated) and then on Saturday afternoon (In public)

I think this is a sign of good things to come. She always seems to play a little bit of a mysterious character, leading me to believe she is in fact dark and mysterious in real life. Which if I must not lie to you and be honest here, appeals to me in the most erotic sense my mind can currently conjure. And it’s conjuring custard, a small person of Asian descent and caramelised sugar…but that’s for another time, like my THERAPISTS CHAIR.

I’m really quite into mysterious people, because you’re always walking a fine line between an amazing time in bed, and waking up with her sawing your piece off with a teaspoon. Or just stabbing you. Nothing makes you feel more alive than sleeping lightly because you think you might be killed. Every little creak is a thunderstorm, every gust of wind is a hurricane, every breath is a tornado, every movement an earthquake. It’s quite enlightening really.

On that note I must be off. I’m just going to go put my hand on the stove.

Makes me feel alive.

And no you cannot think about, or talk about Kristen Stewart. Owned already!

Sean Lloyd

Editor