Drinking and driving isn’t such a big deal

I’m pretty alarmed at the fact that I seem to be getting left behind somewhat with writing. I mean, I take it easy for a few days and the next thing I know, Shaun Oakes is writing for Sports Leader. Obviously I’m a fairly keen sportsman as well, and not wanting to be left behind, I wrote a piece on golf to challenge the law set down by Shaun over HERE on Sports Leader. I just cannot be left behind, so I put on my drinking hat and smashed this piece out in a few minutes. Because I also want to be a Sports Leader! Here we go:

Golf is a bizarre sport. There aren’t many other sports where people practise but don’t compete. I have been going to the driving range for years but I have never hit a ball in anger on a golf course. How often do you practise scuba diving in the pool, but never scuba dive in the ocean? Never.

Many of my friends also go to the driving range but don’t actually play golf as it were. Golf on the course is shit. You lose balls(Both kinds depending on who is shanking the ball in the direction of your balls) Losing balls costs money and sends your blood pressure into orbit. You can’t answer your phone on the course unless you are a doctor who is being called on to deliver an infant in the Nandos on Rondebosch Main Road. I don’t understand why a normal person is not allowed to answer their phone on the course. For the love of God, who is going to hear you talking anyway? Bob’s pacemaker makes more noise.

I also think it’s pathetic that you are not allowed to purchase alcohol along the course. When you don’t have the alcohol to calm you down, you shank your brand new Titleist ball into the lake and then proceed to snap your Greatest Big Bertha on your sunburnt forehead. This costs about R5000. The solution to this almighty and costly problem? Sell booze on the course.

Another thing that sucks donkey dong is the fact that there are no targets to hit on the golf course. Apparently, rumour has it, you are supposed to aim the ball at the little hole with the flag sticking out of it. Where is the fun in that? I mean, the hole does not even move!

This is where the driving range is superior. Your target is a moving object that picks up balls. Occasionally a real live human steps out of the cart to manually pick up stray balls. This is the point where you get a big smile on your face, down your pint and begin pelting balls at your target. After you have hit him he will start swearing at you (Trust me, I know) He will then come running in your direction. This is your cue to head to the bar, sink another pint or two and wait for him to piss off. Then you start all over again. This is a foolproof way of having fun. It beats the shit out of the golf course for a number of reasons:

1) You don’t have to walk for miles and miles like an idiot.

2) You can drink. Alcohol.

3) You have a live target.

4) You don’t lose R300 worth of balls every fourth hole.

5) You can talk as loud as you like on your phone and you can swear like a trooper without being scolded by the old ponce playing near you.

6) You don’t have some old wank behind you telling you that you are holding up play.

7) There are no rules.

Now if you insist on playing on a real course I suggest some changes to the sport. I have conveniently written a mock letter that you may want to send to your club. If they agree with everything contained on the letter, your golf course will turn into an oasis of pleasure. Please invite me over for a round of golf and thirty rounds of the 19th hole of this does happen. Here is your letter:

Dear Club Manager

We all reach middle age and realise that the time has come for a makeover. Maybe a wardrobe makeover, a makeover on our hair or an entire body makeover. Golf is a sport that has been around for a very long time and it is getting old, grumpy and slow.

Just like some of the people who play it.

Golf moves at a deathly pace and you can guage this by the suicidal monotone voices of golf commentators. They speak as though they have had an elephant tranquiliser with their coffee that morning.

They talk about the weather, the history of the sport and sometimes they even talk of things we don’t even know about. They basically state the obvious and seem bored with their jobs. If the ball goes in the hole they say “Oh and that’s in the hole!” If it lands near the hole they say “He should be able to one putt it from there” If it lands in a bunker they say “He’s in a spot of bother there. Clearly they are bored because the sport is bored.

They even whisper to each other even though they are in a studio far from where the players are playing. It’s ridiculous! So what we need to do is put the “go” back in golf! It’s time to change the dreary image of the sport. Here are a couple of ideas to throw around:

We could start with the members of these courses. Their sense of humours clearly got lost during the great depression and they have no time for us young people. We are the future and without us they will have nothing.

NOTHING! THEY ARE RUBBLE WITHOUT US!

These old codgers should be grateful when we arrive because we are paying to play at these courses and by doing so we keep them running. Why do the members complain when I get to the 19th hole and sink ten draughts? Yes I do get a little rowdy from time to time, and I have pulled out my immense piece on the bar, but I have paid for those ten draughts and for that the club should be grateful. I am putting South African money into their accounts. Money that I drank hard for (I’m paid to drink for a living)

Another thing that needs to be changed is the warning call for when someone is about to be cleaned off their feet by a golf ball travelling at 200km/hr. Currently they shout “Fore!” Being a drunken celebrity this takes time to register in my brain and when it eventually does I cleverly shout “Five!” before being cleaned off my feet by a plastic space rocket covered in dimples.

For a warning to really catch someones attention it should contain at least five swear words. True story.

Ball makers should also only out dimples on one side of the ball to spice things up a little bit. Every time you hit the ball it will have an unpredictable flight pattern. We will have to re-learn to play the game of golf and this will out interest back in the sport. Besides, variety is the spice of life and golf needs a bit of hot Bombay Chill ass napalm to get it going. Unfortunately most golf player are so old they only have 2 years left of their life membership, and they won’t be able to learn how to play the game. Sorry for you!

What is the rule forbidding the use of cellphones on the course? By the hammer of Thor, this is preposterous! What if a rather striking young lass I met the previous week is calling to see if I want to meet up with her? If I don’t take that call she might give up on me because she thinks I am ignoring her and am not interested in her lovely form. Then what? Are you going to suck me off Mr Club Manager? Are you going to give me a reach around?

Oh you are?! Well…I guess…beggars can’t be choosers!

The current crop of golf cars are a crock of shit as well and they seem to be powered by solar panels, such is their speed. Let’s get BMW on the job to put some petrol drinking, oil burning, over priced engines into them to give them a little more speed and flair. That way we can play 18 holes(Um…of golf) in the time it would normally take to play 9 holes. Time is money and we cannot waste it!

These faster cars on the golf course might lead to more injuries, and possibly deaths on the course but players should be warned to watch out for these fairway hogs crossing the green at high speed.

Come on now, what is with the real grass? Unless it’s grass I can roll into a fat spliff and smoke, then there is no use for it. Why bother watering real lawn when for a large sum of money we could invest in some hockey style Astro-Turf? Of course the new golf carts and faux turf will cost a fair wad of dough but this will be quickly paid off when the youngsters start frequenting the 19th hole and spend obscene amounts of money on alcoholic beverages.

Besides, with the new lawn, the ball will roll better, it’s always green and never needs mowing.

We also might need to look into vending machines at every tee box that supplies beer. Golf is a tiresome sport and we need to quench our thirst every hole. Dehydration is a very serious problem (Ask Tim Noakes) for even the most physically superior being. Beer is actually a wonder drink for golf as it provides carbohydrates for energy, water for hydration and alcohol to soothe your shot nerves. By the end of the 2nd hole my nerves are absolutely shattered and I want to attack anything that crosses my visionary field. Beer will help.

Sean: Enjoys drinking and driving

Fashion is an amazing thing but the golf world does not have fashion in its dictionary. The bland khaki pant and shirt is not a good look! Get somebody like Tom Ford in to design some kit. He resurrected the Gucci brand, now imagine what he would do for the Golf brand.

A couple more young lady members would also be a nice addition. Put out adverts saying something like this “Free earrings/ ring/ hair clip/ MAC lip glass with every ladies membership taken out from now on” Girls love that type of shit. Even better give them the book “He’s just not that into you” Chicks dig it. Then also tell them that a whole crop of strapping young lads have recently joined the club and they look remarkably like Achilles from Troy. Girls will immediately think of Brad Pitt in Troy and flock like the swallows of Capastrano to sign their membership forms.

The increase in membership amongst young people will mean more fun and more money and will carry golf way into the future and make it the most desired sport in the world. Golf will go on to be the sport of warriors, trojans, gladiators and titans the world over! We want to get a petition going and are looking for club managers to join this global movement which sets out to change the face of golf for the better.

If you are interested then please do write back to me asking for further details.

Yours sincerely

The Honourable(Insert your name here)

Ok then…the room is spinning. I’m taking this bottle of vodka back, it’s making me feel sick.
Sean Lloyd

Editor