I have seen a decent amount of rubbish in my time, let me tell you. I mean, if you have ever watched any Verimark adverts you will know what I’m talking about. Let’s have a quick squiz at what Glomail are trying to sell us at the moment.

First we have the Ab Lounge. Please enjoy this. It’s indescribable. It’s absolutely mind boggling.

An Ab Lounge. So you can sit in your chair eating McDonalds and also work your abs. Right…Nice…Interesting. I don’t even want to talk about it, it speaks for itself.We also have this STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS beauty product called celltone, formulated with snail slime extract. Once again, I’m going to keep quiet and let the words “snail slime extract” speak for themselves. Snail slime is basically like human spit. Or piss. Or snot. It should do wonders for your skin.

But moving swiftly along onto the FitFlops which surely must be this years finest crock of shit.

“It’s the Flip-Flop with the gym built in” is the line they are using for their products. Funny enough, they find it necessary to mention on their site that “you saw FitFlops on Oprah”

It’s interesting to see what Oprah looks like:

Oprah with the pregnant man. Looking a little preggers herself.

I don’t really think I would want Oprah to endorse any of my products, unless they were mass gainer products. Imagine Oprah endorsing your health store. It wouldn’t work. At best, you would have a bunch of beached whales arriving at your door wanting to know if you serve a Big Mac and fries. And a Diet Coke. fat people always order Diet Coke, filled with artificial everything and sure to give you a head start on your way to some sort of unknown disease.

And lest (You like that word?) we forget the last time Oprah endorsed something. Remember the book “A Million Little Pieces” and it’s author James Frey? Remember how it turns out parts of the book were lies? Well if you don’t, click HERE for the report on it called A Million Little Lies. Oprah thought this book was the business. Oprah was wrong. See, even fat rich chicks cock it up from time to time. So money can’t buy you out of your tubbiness. Ask Oprah…Ok maybe being the richest big bitch in the world it will, but for a regular millionaire, it won’t.

Look at the set of pins advertising the FitFlops. Look I’d love to have those wrapped around me, but the fact is they didn’t get like that from wearing FitFlops. They got like that from exercise and a good diet!

My favourite thing though is the stupid American chick who is featured on the FitFlops website, with this little review:

“I absolutely LOOOOVEEE my FitFlops because I have NO back pain and NO heel pain at all!! I want to buy every color there is and I absolutely cannot wait for a winter shoe to come out! I don’t wear any other shoe right now! I cannot say enough good things about them! My legs look more toned and less cellulite too! What can I say? FITFLOPS ROCK!”

Now this is from some chick called Tina DeLozier from Lincoln Park in the Democratic Republic of America.

Now lets analyse this a little bit. I know I studied journalism, but I don’t claim to be an expert at writing because I never concentrated at college. Most days I would skip class and head to Villa Sandenbergh in Hout Bay to smash a bottle of wine and some vodkas, while Alain my buddy and classmate would roll the fattest spliff in the world. We would sit back every day and just stare at the ocean and talk rubbish. Then munchies…

Anyway, we never really studied hard, and in fact Alain is still finishing his course this year, but we know one or two things about writing. And that is to never ever use so many exclamation marks in a paragraph like that. It diminishes the effect. A gentleman once told me that you should not swear often, but when you do, make it count and make it worthwhile. I never quite followed that rule, but it does make sense. When you swear a lot it loses the meaning. Then when you swear and you really are angry, no one notices you.

It’s the same as my friends who phone me when they are drunk. They phone so often at 3am that I have stopped answering their calls. But one day when it’s 3am and they are stuck on the side of the N2 and they really need me, I won’t answer the phone. Similar vibe.

ANYsideways…That Tina bird has used an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence, and has put the word “no” in bold, twice. She also drew out the word “love” and put it in bold. In the first sentence she even used two exclamation marks at the end of it.

So basically, she has been shouting that whole review. Who the wank shouts a review? Look, I know what these redneck yanks are about, and they will do anything for cash, but this review is a bit OTT. Seriously come on now, it’s a bit ridiculous (Never ridonculous, who the hell do you think you are?)

Getting a bit deeper into this FitFlop debacle, we can clearly deduce that it is a scam for fat people with half size brains. Clearly.

If you click HERE you will see wearer reviews of the FitFlops. Even if these reviews are legitimate, I don’t think you can trust a bunch of wanktards who use exclamation marks at the end of each sentence.

You sound like a bunch of Herschel hoodrats.

“Like oh my GOD!!!! I can’t believe John kissed Stacy like wooooow! Oh my GOD Kels is SUCH a slut!!!!!! Can you believe it? Why’s she dating Mikey, like, he used to date Kate and she is SUCH a whore!! I’m going for a spray tan now, I’m so pale. Even more pale than Kelly but she’s a slut anyway, so I can’t compare her to me, can I girls?”

Jezuz it’s ridiculous. But you really can’t trust people who use that many exclamation marks. You can only use those sorts of exclamation marks if you are reviewing a porn star. Like if you were test riding Jenna Jameson, you might have an exclamation mark or two after she tries to shove a skiing helmet up your ass. That’s a given…that’s a given.

Under the 7 reasons why everybody is wearing FitFlops…(HERE)

Wait, hold up. Is everybody wearing FitFlops? Well I’m sure as shit not, so already this is a false claim, further fuel to the flame I’m creating here about these FitFlops being a waste of money.

So under these 7 reasons, it says

“FitFlop midsoles incorporate patent pending micro-wobbleboard (TM) technology to give you a workout while you walk”

No come on man! Do you know how expensive it is to trademark something? And here they go and trademark micro-wobbleboard. Does this not sound sketchy to you? Not even one iota? What is an iota? I have no idea, I just wanted to use it somewhere in this text.

Really now, micro-wobbleboard sounds like something you come up with when you are baked. But when I’m blazed, even I could come up with something more believable than that.

Reason 3 says

“Every step you take in your FitFlops helps tone and trim your legs”

Honestly, shove a tree stump up my ass, put an eight ball in my mouth and take full advantage. Are they seriously being serious here? Do me sideways and call me a bitch, because this is THE biggest pile of steaming horse shit I have ever heard! Even if you didn’t wear a FitFlop, every step you take would obviously have a benefit, because it requires your muscles to work and use energy. But why don’t you stop being such a fatty and just hit the elliptical trainer, or the stair machine for 15 minutes a day, trust me, that will have way more benefit than these FitFlops!!!!!!!! (Did you like that?!!!!!)

Look, I’m just…I’m just…I’m about to go crazy here and I refuse to go further into this discussion. It’s just such a pile of old wank that I cannot even muster up another kj of energy to waste on this debate.

To end this off, people, use some common sense when dodging the minefield of crap that people want you to buy.

Look at you, you’re working a job you hate to buy shit you don’t need! Buy healthy food, not junk FitFlops.

Class dismissed.

Do your homework.

Sean Lloyd

Editor